There are so many conspiracy theories on the internet, it is like the internet was MADE for conspiracy theories –
Hang on, is that a conspiracy theory?
A lot of them are about Celebrities Who Did Not Really Die. A lot of them are about Celebrities Who Are Reptilian Shapeshifters or the classic Celebrities Who Are Illuminati Agents or whatever the Illuminati have. (Millions of people read my mind altering lists so I guess I must be a part of the Illuminati too – so I won’t say anything too mean to my Illuminati overlords. Who never pay me. So I why do I work for them? *considers shifting allegiance to Big Pharma or Soros who might pay better*)
None of these theories that I will be attempting to debunk for your reading pleasure deal with any of these things and the reason is that there are too many of them and they are too similar. The reason Justin Bieber works for the Illuminati and the reason Britney Spears works for the Illuminati is going to be very similar and can be debunked or not for the same reason. Bo-Ring!
I have scoured the internet looking for interesting theories, three of which are about Beyoncé, and tried as best I can to debunk them using a pinch of common sense and my life experience as an Old.
So read on, fellow common sense valuer, and let’s go to the (non-existent) dark side of the (secretly filmed in a studio) moon of celebrity conspiracy theories and see what is what.
15 Beyoncé Had A Surrogate Carry Her Daughter Blue - Possible
Beyoncé cops a lot of conspiracy theory – partially because she rarely gives interviews and does not participate in social media so MYSTERY, and partially because she is a highly successful Black woman so there must be something going on.
Beyoncé just gave birth to twin babies, siblings of Blue Ivy, her eldest daughter. The furore surrounding what is going on in Beyoncé’s uterus has been quite loud, and we got to see released photos of a pregnant Beyoncé looking very pregnant and Bey-like.
But when Beyoncé was gestating her first child there were no tummy-skin showing photos, only photos of Beyoncé with clothing over her baby bump.
And sometimes the baby bump looked less baby bumpy than people expected. It also on one occasion seemed to ‘fold’ in on itself.
"SHE IS USING A SURROGATE!" shrieked the internet.
Well as there is no available footage of Beyoncé giving birth to Blue, she may well have.
Verdict: It is possible but, to quote people on Facebook who obviously care, “Who cares?”
14 Avril Lavigne Is Dead - Ridiculous
Rather than the many theories that refuse to let celebrities die peacefully, Avril Lavigne has been judged by the internet and found to be dead.
According to legend, Avril died in 2003 and in order to save us all from the knowledge of her death, she was replaced by her stand-in – Melissa.
Avril had herself coached Melissa in the art of Being Avril in order to avoid having to go and be a popstar in the public eye. LUCKY! Because Avril soon killed herself and BAM! There was Melissa.
There are all sorts of photos floating around showing face shape and handwriting comparison, the fact that everyone likes her old stuff better than her new stuff seems to indicate a change in humans (?) and it’s all very exciting.
This is ridiculous because the record company would have had a ‘legend gone before her time’ situation on their hands and probably would have sold more of her songs post-mortem. Why would they rely on some Melissa person to BE Avril Lavigne for the rest of her life and never sell her story for millions of dollars to a journalist?
Verdict: Ridiculous. Avril is not laughing in heaven; she is laughing on earth.
13 Miley Cyrus Is Dead And Has Been Replaced – Ridiculous
Miley Cyrus has had a lot of transformations – in my own personal conspiracy, she has suffered from the ‘Disney Effect’ – after being a Wholesome Disney Child Star for so long she was desperate to prove to the world that she is a proper adult. So she went over the top with being sexual and ratchet and culturally appropriative and licking tools. As so many do. Plus if she had not swung naked on a wrecking ball then we would never have seen Anne Hathaway do it and that was hilarious.
Anyway, the story is that Disney killed Miley for growing up or ‘seeing what was not meant for her eyes’ or some other killable offence, and either her body was found in a bath tub or out in the Arizona desert. Miley was then replaced by a stand-in and went on to be more sexual and provocative.
Why? Would the cost and effort and risk of making a fake Miley really be less than just getting another pop star and grooming them for stardom?
Verdict: Ridiculous because Miley’s voice has sounded exactly the same the whole time despite changes in style. Also – Hannah Montana was not real. Also – no.
12 Michael Jackson Was Castrated – Wild But Possible
Michael Jackson has become somewhat of a fairytale monster in pop culture. There are a million theories about him, whether he is really dead or not, who fathered his children – the list goes on.
But one really interesting conspiracy about Michael might actually have some truth to it, and that is that Michael was chemically castrated as a teen by the use of the drug Cyproterone to address his acne.
Alain Branchereau, a profession of vascular surgery, believes that Michael’s unique voice was that of a castrato – and this is his theory. A Castrato is a male singer who historically was castrated in early teenagehood to prevent the ‘breaking’ of the voice in puberty and keep the boyish high range. This is a practice that luckily has been outlawed in most countries.
Cyproterone prevents the taker growing body hair and gives the taker a slight frame and a high, pre-pubescent voice. There is no information available as to how it affects mental development.
Interestingly, Michael’s own doctor Conrad Murray who served time in jail for the manslaughter of Jackson agrees that he was chemically castrated, for what that is worth.
Verdict: Possibly Michael Jackson was chemically castrated as a teen, but it would have had to have been difficult as Cyproterone has never been prescribed for boys in America, and was at the time Michael was 12 only an experimental drug not yet passed by the FDA.
11 Beyoncé Is Older Than 35 – Possible
Beyoncé is officially 35. There are those that say she is older. SCANDAL!
The music industry wants its stars to be as young as possible because then they are relatable to the young people who have money to spend on their faves and not have to spend on school excursions and home and contents insurance.
As a result they sometimes drop some celebrities' ages a few years. Especially women (Jay-Z is 47 and no one seems to care).
The reason Beyoncé is allegedly older than her official Bey approved age is that her father and a couple of other celebrities have from time to time said she is older.
First of all, her father said she is the same age as Usher and Pink, who are 38 and 37.
Then journalist Bianna Golodryga said that they went to high school together. Bianna is 39.
Then Gabrielle Union said that she and Beyoncé were friends when they were teenagers – Gabrielle is 44 (although she looks about 25. What is with that?)
So what is going on here? Are all these people lying? Is Beyoncé lying?
Verdict: Possible. Lots of people lie about their age. Beyoncé could have dropped a few years.
10 Stevie Wonder Is Not Blind - Ridiculous
Stevie Wonder is a living treasure, and to set the record straight, his sight or lack thereof has nothing to do with his talent as a singer and musician. He was a child prodigy, originally known as ‘Little Stevie Wonder’ way back in the 60s. He suffered Retinopathy of prematurity – an eye disease caused by the effect of oxygen on a premature baby’s eyes.
So Stevie Wonder looks in the direction of voices, he has caught falling mic stands, and he goes to basketball games.
Let's get this straight – ‘blind’ does not necessarily mean fully sightless. It means having measurably poor vision. I know this because for about a month of my life, due to medical treatment, I was legally blind. And I could still see shapes and light, I managed to make it through doorways and I was aware of where I was and who I was talking to.
Blind does not necessarily mean ‘completely black eyeholes with nothing going on’.
Plus the man can hear and has had decades to sort out noise direction, changes in air temperature and feel movement around him.
Verdict: Stevie Wonder is blind but probably doesn’t see pure blackness. Ridiculous.
9 Kanye West And Taylor Swift’s Dramatic Relationship Was Made Up – Possibly
Hollywood is not called Hollyweird for nothing. Behind the scenes, a lot of the artists and professionals are friends and co-workers and share agents and managers. I am sure that much of what goes on in the celebrity news is exaggerated and manufactured for publicity. That is the point of having an agent. That is their job.
The ‘drama’ was that Kanye famously interrupted Taylor 2009 MTV award acceptance, then over the years Taylor and Kanye became friends, then Kanye wrote a song that mentioned Taylor that she said she did not approve of in its entirety, and it turned out Kim Kardashian had recorded Taylor approving the song – which is why Kim is my favourite Kardashian – and called Taylor out on playing the victim.
So was all this made up?
Well, I mean I can’t say for sure but I do believe that they share an agent. Correct me if I am wrong, but that makes it pretty suspicious.
Just like WWE and reality TV shows are scripted, so are celebrity beefs.
Verdict: Possible. I can’t discount that they have the same agent.
8 Katy Perry Is JonBenet Ramsey - Ridiculous
This one is sick. To begin with, I am so over people sharing photos and grisly stories around about that poor little murdered girl like she was some broken doll – she was a six year old painted up to look like a Vegas showgirl, and I don’t think we will ever know for sure what happened to her.
I don’t even like writing about her, but I hate this theory more because it is so stupid.
Apparently the Ramseys faked their baby’s death to ‘transform’ her into Katy Perry and in some versions their parents also ‘transformed’ into Katy Perry’s parents.
There are similarities between the way that poor JonBenet looks with makeup on and the way Katy looks with makeup on. Big deal.
But why, why on earth would JonBenet need to ‘transform’ into Katy Perry? She was already a beautiful, talented child. What would be the point of a faked death?
Verdict: This is RIDICULOUS. Stop it and go away.
7 Khloe Kardashian Is NOT Robert Kardashian's Daughter – Possible
Ok I will say it – I love the Kardashians – well, specifically I love Kim. She is…. Well I could go on for days. Anyway she has inspired me to be my best me and SHUT UP whatever it takes, right?
But, look, let’s have a chat about Khloe.
None of this is a reflection on Khloe, right? She has nothing to do with this except that she exists. But I don’t know that she is Robert Kardashian’s child. I don’t know that she is OJ Simpson's child either – but she doesn’t really look like Robert or the other Kardashians, although I can see her pre-surgery mother in her face.
Khloe looks different to the other Kardashians and I don’t mean just with surgery. Even she has wondered who her father is, and Kris has told her that she had an affair around the time of Khloe’s conception.
So who is the father of Khloe Kardashian? I don’t think we are ever going to be told for sure.
Verdict: Khloe Kardashian may not be the child of Robert Kardashian. Possibly.
6 Eminem Is A Cyborg – Ridiculous
According to internet wisdom, Eminem died in an accident and was replaced by a conveniently prepared cyborg clone that was waiting to take his place and release new albums.
Cyborg clones. Have you seen modern robotics on the internet? Some of the smartest robo-techs in the world and they produce frightening love companion robots who are so far down the uncanny valley they would give the Muppets a fright. And yet they can produce a rapping superstar like Eminem?
Em looks different because he is older and he has battled substance addiction and he has lost weight – and people don’t look the same for their whole lives.
You know who is a cyborg though?
No one is a cyborg.
People might have bionic ear or nifty prosthetics but no one is a cyborg.
Verdict: this is so ridiculous I want to throw things with my bionic arm.
5 Lady Gaga Sacrificially Murdered And Stole The Identity Of An Artist Called Lina Morgana – Ridiculous
This story goes that Lady Gaga was a nobody going nowhere and in order to help herself out she killed (or sacrificed) Lina Morgana, a budding pop star that I for one have never heard of, and stole her identity and her fans.
Even Lina Morgana’s alleged mother seems to believe that Lady Gaga has Lina Morgana’s soul and won’t release it. It’s like Lady Gaga is Ursula the Sea Witch and Lina Morgana is Ariel. Is any of this even real?
What makes another level of this theory is that an artist called Ysan Roche claims that Lady Gaga sole her persona (and also that of artist Roisin Murphy) and that Lina Morgana’s death was faked and that she was paid off to hide the fact that Lady Gaga was a manufactured pop idol cobbled together from stolen talent.
This all makes (no) sense until you then have to factor in that Lady Gaga pre-Gaga was allegedly Lina Morgana’s songwriter. WHUT?
Verdict: Lady Gaga is not a murdering Frankenstein’s Monster dispatching starlets off rooftops and stitching them together to form herself. Put down the glue.
4 Beyonce Is Solange’s Mother – Possible
Solange is my Knowles sister of choice. But is she also her ‘sister’ Beyonce’s oldest daughter?
Apparently Beyonce’s family faked her age, and Solange’s age, to cover up the fact that Bey had a daughter Sol at a very young age – and scandal!
If Beyonce really is the same age as Gabrielle Union, who said that they were teens together, then when she was born in 1986, Beyonce would have been 14 and probably quite capable of giving birth to a baby.
Does this happen? Yes, it definitely does and the further back in time you look the more often it happened to protect the wayward daughter from the scandal of teenage motherhood. The daughter disappeared for a while and the mother of the family suddenly had a new baby. Did it happen in this case? Crickets…..
Solange and Beyonce are close, and seem to share a loving relationship. Is it sisterly love or the bonds of a mother and daughter? Well only they know for sure.
Verdict: Possible. It has happened a million times before in history but it might not be the case this time. And it doesn’t make Beyonce or Solange one tiny bit less wonderful women and entertainers if it is true.
3 Lorde Is Really A Middle-Aged Woman - Ridiculous
Lorde (real name Ella Mraija Lani Yelich-O’Connor, which is a mouthful) is a 20 year old singer/songwriter from New Zealand.
According to South Park, she is a 45 year old transgendered geologist, which is meant to be a joke – but people (blessed people) think that perhaps it is a leak of the Truth.
Because there is NO WAY that a super talented and slightly otherworldly looking human woman called Lorde is really 20. She has to be old and ancient and not as good as she apparently is.
Lorde’s life choices bother other people a lot. First her age bothered people, then her choice of boyfriend. “Not hot enough. Not hot. And too old” – well you can’t have it both ways, he can’t be too old if she is in her 40s!
Then her friendship with Taylor Swift bothered people. Now it seems to be back to age again.
Verdict: Ridiculous. Her birth certificate has been published on the internet and she is not lying about her age.
2 Suri Cruise Is Not Tom Cruise’s Daughter – Possible
Tom and Katie married, and Suri was born some time later.
However, the fact that Tom had only previously adopted children in his marriage with Nicole Kidman made some people suspicious (never mind that Nicole herself may not have wanted to have a baby, oh no it's all about Tom!), and soon the word was passed around that the baby was Chris Klein’s. Chris was Katie’s previous partner.
Suri was also a bit of a no-show to the media for about 5 months after birth, so there were theories that she was an alien, or disfigured, or was obviously not Tom Cruise’s child.
Verdict: It is possible she is not his child. It is possible anyone is not anyone’s child without DNA testing. This one is probably something we will never know.
1 Prince Harry Was Fathered By James Hewett – Ridiculous
Prince Harry is the cute, gingery party boy Prince of England who is the youngest son of his mother, the late Princess Diana and his father, the current Prince of Wales and future King, Prince Charles.
Everyone who has participated in life in the last 20 years knows that Charles and Diana had affairs and their marriage was doomed – they broke up and then Diana died in a fiery car crash. She was not wearing a seat belt.
One of the men with whom Diana was intimate during her relationship with Charles was the dashing and gingery James Hewett, who does indeed look rather like the young prince, in the way that he is a man who is white and gingery.
But there it ends. I just don’t see it – and according to Diana’s former bodyguard Ken Wharfe and backed up by Hewitt himself, Diana and James Hewett did not even meet until well after Harry was born.
Harry looks a lot like his grandfather, Prince Phillip, anyway.
Verdict: Ridiculous. The older Harry gets, the more Mountbatten (Prince Phillip’s Greek family) he looks.