Without intending to bring any negativity into your life, I must inform you that you are not as cool as Beyoncé. Perhaps once upon a time, you may have posted a photo to social media announcing your pregnancy to friends and followers. Perhaps that hasn't happened yet. Perhaps this photo was or will be your greatest success, breaking your personal record for the most likes on your profile. If so, I’m really happy for you, and I’m going to let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best pregnancy photos of all time. In fact, scrap that, it was the best pregnancy photo of all time, shattering Instagram's all-time record, currently sitting at 11.1 million likes. Simply put, your baby bump has less power than Beyoncé’s little finger.
Granted, Beyoncé is a pop culture icon and the whole world lives in her shadow, which is why this achievement doesn’t stop other celebrities from trying, as they use also Instagram to reach out to their fans with the news that they are pregnant. And then they sit there, counting their comments and likes, comparing their numbers to the rest of Hollywood, assigning a value to their fame. Here are 15 celebrities who definitely did that.
15 Eva Longoria
A fair bit of skepticism is always healthy, which is why I’m going to play devil's advocate and point out the obvious: how do we know that this is a photo of Eva Longoria? We can't even see her face. And therefore, there's no proof. Just because it’s on her official Instagram account does not necessarily mean anything, as maybe Eva is playing some elaborate prank on everyone. After all, this photo was posted on the 1st of January 2018, and therefore, it could be a New Year's trick, using her celebrity status and social media worth as a weapon, mocking us for no particular reason. I’d also like to call attention to the hands on her belly. Whose hands are those anyway? Why are there so many hands? This is confusing me, Eva. No wonder Beyoncé has 10,000,000 more likes than you.
14 Khloe Kardashian
Just imagine the endless bodies hitting the floor on the 20th of December 2017, when fans opened their Instagram feed, read that one of the most famous Kardashians was pregnant, and promptly fainted in utter shock. Just kidding, I think there have been Khloe pregnancy rumors for about three years now. Anyway, the father in question is NBA basketball player Tristan Thompson, and the couple opted to reveal their fertilization status with the overused (but classy) black and white belly close up shot, complete with loving hands strategically placed to really drive the “we’re having a baby" point home. That said, if you still didn’t understand what was going on, then hopefully Khloe’s 200 word caption could better help explain the meaning, complete with a revelation that “God had a plan all along” and confessing she was “excited, nervous, eager, overjoyed and scared," whilst using the word “Thank You” at least eight times in the post.
13 Cheryl Cole
Say what you will about Cheryl Cole (and I will too), but you don’t get a more elegantly tasteful way of confirming your pregnancy rumors by not even acknowledging them whatsoever. Instead, followers of her Instagram account were greeted by a busy image of fifteen different people, and like a real-life version of Where’s Waldo, because it took a few moments before fans not only spotted Cheryl, but also noticed her bump. The photo's caption focused on the admirable team shown above: the Prince's Trust Charity/L'Oreal Paris UK representatives who help young people get their lives back in order. Naturally, the belly news pulled many eyes towards the photo, but Cheryl never made it about her, which is rare in the standard narcissistic world of celebrities, and is almost admirable enough for us to forgive her about that time she assaulted Sophie Amogbokpa in a nightclub toilet. Almost.
12 Alicia Keys
Once upon a time, celebrity couple Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz decided it was selfish for them to hold onto their excessive talent, realizing that they owed it to the world to amalgamate their genetic superpowers and create a new human life together. And being the ambitious headstrong artists they are, in October 2010, that’s exactly what they did. Interestingly enough, this was the exact same month Instagram itself was launched, which meant that the prophecy had come true, as well as making any photo announcement impossible at that time. Imagine all of the likes they missed out on! Never mind, as they got their chance in 2014, when Alicia used the platform to wish her husband a happy anniversary, expressing her undying love for the man, and then parade her bulging biological baby house whilst sporting a very lovely white dress.
In 2013, when Fergie announced her pregnancy to her Instagram followers, she utilized the fancy hashtag #mylovelybabybump. This is really funny if you manage to force your memory back to 2005 when the Black Eyed Peas were still famous, and they released the single "My Humps", which featured the lyric “my lovely lady lumps”. The word “lady” almost rhymes with “baby”, and the word “lumps” almost rhymes with “bump”, which is the exact type of lyrical skills that made Fergie the superstar she is today. Said hashtag came attached to a photoshopped photo of Fergie and (her then partner) Josh Duhamel as babies themselves. Sadly, she and Josh separated in 2017, but Fergie still states that “the hardest boyfriend I ever had to break up with” was drugs, so she’s probably doing okay now in comparison.
10 Jessica Alba
Sit down and pay your respects to Jessica Alba, for she did not play by the rules. Instead of simply snapping an Instagram tummy photo to get it over with, the lady went full Boomerang on everyone, with a silent video statement in July 2017. Said video not only looped infinitely, but also featured her two previous children, and three cleverly placed numbered balloons. These balloons marked the order of each child's conception, featuring a third number bobbing up above Alba’s slightly protruding belly like some helium-filled informant. Pure artistry. A true innovator of the social media preggers announcement technique. And just when you thought you couldn’t love this actress anymore, you read the caption, which playfully observes that she and her husband, Cash Warren, were about to be outnumbered by their children. That’s going to be a funny joke right until the kids become teenagers, and then it won’t be funny anymore.
9 Kelly Rowland
Wait, I have a joke that goes something like this: there were three members in Destiny’s Child. Beyoncé. Kelly Rowland. And the other one. Who was that girl? It doesn't matter! What matters is that I'm really sorry to bring up Beyoncé again, but in some ways, Kelly Rowland is kind of like the second in line to Beyoncé's throne (sort of... not really at all). Regardless, respect when respect is due, and Kelly's Instagram announcement was far funnier and smarter than her former girl group companion’s highly stylised Photoshop statement. Rather, Mrs. Rowland placed a cute little pair of baby Air Jordans next to her husband’s Air Jordans, which got her message across just fine. No plea for baby bump praise found here. Although, Rowland did go on to document much of her pregnancy via Instagram, with inspirational fitness photos encouraging to-be mothers all around the globe to get off the couch and hit the gym. That’s how cool Kelly Rowland is.
8 Liv Tyler
In January 2016, Liv Tyler announced via Instagram that she and her partner (David Gardner) were expecting their second child, a girl, who would be following their first child, a boy, born the year before. One of each gender. Well planned. Perfectly executed. Great, now that we’ve got that out the way, let’s talk about a much more interesting yet related birth: that of Liv Tyler herself! Playboy model Bebe Buell gave Liv life, and raised her with rock musician Todd Rundgren, who Liv believed was her biological daddy for eight years. That was until Liv met Mia Tyler, and upon noticing that they looked almost identical, she realized this was her sister, meaning that her father had been Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler all along! I imagine this moment must have been like learning Santa isn’t real, except in reverse, because Steven Tyler is real! He’s a rock God! Liv, he’s your father! Sorry Todd, but can anyone say upgrade?
7 Jessica Biel
If there is such a thing as a fierce competition between celebrities, one where they compare whose Instagram pregnancy post was the greatest (and I like to believe there is), then the winner has already been established. I don’t need to say her name again (it’s Beyoncé). However, the verdict hasn't come in for the prize for the most original announcement, which brings us to Jessica Biel. She did something so special that I am not sure any expectant mother has ever done anything like it before. Jessica allowed the man of the relationship to do the honors. That’s right - despite having her own sizeable army of 4.9 million followers, the Golden Globe-nominated Mrs. Timberlake let Justin spill the baby beans first, with a photo of himself kissing his wife’s belly, on his birthday in 2015. Isn’t that so sweet? Couldn't you just regurgitate your porridge right now?
6 Carrie Underwood
2005 American Idol winner Carrie Underwood announced her pregnancy with former NHL player Mike Fisher via Instagram on the first Monday of September in 2014. In case you didn’t notice the witty wink back there, I’ll break it down for you: that day was a United States public holiday known as Labor Day. Get it? Labor - as in workers but also as in going into labor. The process of childbirth from the start of uterine contractions to delivery. A very clever pun there, Mrs. Underwood. You get a 7/10. Unfortunately, the post was ruined when she used her dogs wearing dog clothes to relay the message, where each animal's attire stated in first-person that they were "going to be a big brother/sister". Silly Carrie! Those dogs literally have no idea what a human sibling even is! They're dogs!
Despite what you may think, selling over 23 million records worldwide and winning a Grammy award is not necessarily “one of the greatest gifts of all that God could give,” as Ciara only used this exact wording to describe her pregnancy, proving that there is more to life than career success and lots of money, so take note. Announced via Instagram in October 2016, Ciara and Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson brought a daughter into this world the following April. They named her Sienna Princess, and for those who don't know, Sienna is Latin for “reddish brown”. And Princess? Princess is also Ciara’s middle name! Also, it's English for “I’m not Beyoncé, Beyoncé is queen, bow down to Beyoncé”. Oh my gosh, I brought up Beyoncé again, didn't I? Sorry!
4 America Ferrera
Emmy Award/Golden Globe Award/Screen Actors Guild Award winner America Ferrera is probably best known for playing the lead role in Ugly Betty, which I always thought was harsh because she’s not ugly at all. Proof being that actor Ryan Piers Williams thought she was nice enough to marry, and the couple announced their pregnancy super recently, on the 1st of January 2018. Their method of delivering said news consisted of holding up a baby onesie with the words “mas besos (por favor)” printed on the front, which means “more kisses please”. That would be the cutest thing ever for a newborn baby to say, but of course, newborn babies can’t speak, and so even if the little creature didn’t want more kisses, it wouldn’t be able to let anyone know. It would be forced to writhe in the torture of its own undeveloped brain.
3 Olivia Wilde
Born in 1984 as Olivia Jane Cockburn, no one knows for sure why this American-Irish actress changed her surname. But for whatever reason, she stole a new one from poet Oscar Wilde, and then 23 years later, in 2007, she landed a role in the Golden Globe-winning TV series House, becoming famous shortly afterward. Four years down the line, in 2011, she met actor/screenwriter Jason Sudeikis. Three years later, in 2014, they had a son named Otis Alexander Sudeikis. It was a combination of all of these factors that led to 2016, when Olivia Wilde revealed to the 2.7 million people who followed her on Instagram that she had been impregnated by her partner with a photo of her next to her firstborn, both holding their tummies, complete with the caption “Matching baby bumps.” She basically called her son fat.
2 Lauren Conrad
All things considered, I really appreciate the simplicity and tastefulness of TV personality Lauren Conrad’s 2017 Instagram pregnancy unveiling. There was no need to use this opportunity to flaunt her belly. She did not feel compelled to stick her face in the shot, basking in the sunshine of 800,000+ likes. Instead, she knew who the true star of the show was: the baby. So why should she steal the glory? This wasn’t about her. This was about the first photo of her son ever taken. And I totally respect that. I also totally respect her nail polish. Glittery! Did you paint it like that just for the shot, Lauren? Or did you wake up like this? Did you wake up like this like Beyoncé wakes up like this? Just kidding, only Beyoncé wakes up like Beyoncé, hence why she wrote a song about it. Don’t even joke about that; it's not fair.
1 Cher Lloyd
What’s this! We have a brand new surprise entry! In fact, English X-Factor star Cher Lloyd took part in the Instagram pregnancy challenge so recently that I had actually almost finished writing this article before she put her hand up. Lucky! But while I wish her all the love and success in the world, this is not a game, and we must, unfortunately, highlight that her post was uninspired and (even for a first timer) rather amateur. The cliché black and white mood. Her standard pose. The lack of any deeper conceptual value. I didn't even bother reading the caption which was so long. Indeed, the only redeeming factor whatsoever would be Lloyd’s tattoos, which indicate that she might end up being the cool mom of the neighborhood, but otherwise, her reveal was mundane and deserves a C- grade at best. (Please note: this is all a joke, and I’m not actually rating pregnancies here, I couldn’t care less).