If there’s one thing that this world needs less of, aside from war and famine, it’s the constant rise of fairly pointless or completely talentless human beings into positions of fame and riches. One of the most embarrassing things about our species is our seemingly endless obsession with people who, in another life, would’ve never made it past the status that the rest of the world are forced to live in throughout their lives. Rather than idolizing the doctors or scientists who are making a real difference in this world, we obsess over the cosmetically beautiful and the half-talented. We’ll never understand it.
Just in case you hadn’t already guessed, we consider Nicki Minaj to be one of those people. While some look at her as the pinnacle of the modern woman, we believe she glorifies the concept of women as objects while also pretending she’s some sort of feminist icon. More than just a hypocrite though, there’s something about Nicki Minaj’s general demeanor that really gets on our nerves as well. We don’t know if it’s the stupid faces, her voice, or how she carries herself, but none of it works for us.
So, in the spirit of judging her in the way she seems to want to be judged, we decided to put together a list of Minaj’s sexiest moments, alongside the moments where she was actually pretty gross. Obviously, all things are subjective, but we think you’ll probably find it easy to agree with the collection we’ve got for you here.
16. She Knows How To Play It Flirty
There’s nothing better than a woman who understands that one of the greatest attributes in snagging a man is mystique and subtlety. Sure, there are some people who like that all-out mentality where you throw yourself at them, but any man with half a brain will see through that. For a lot of men, this would even be somewhat of a red flag, and while some of them will be scared of an empowered woman, the rest of them are quite rightly suspicious. Instead, use the power of suggestive words and body language to trap yourself a mate. We reckon that’s the best way to pull in any man that you’d want to be with anyway. Maybe we’re just stuck in the past, but we think this should apply to men as well. Men should feel they’re allowed to run head first into a woman with little to no thought, buy her a drink, and then end up in her bed.
15. Showing Everything She Has To Offer
See, now this is the sort of image that would work with those men who want women to be as upfront as they possibly can. If you saw this on the other side of the bar, your mentality should be to run as far away as possible in the opposite direction before you find yourself in a situation that’s a lot more difficult to get out of. That being said, even we can understand why this sort of display can be a tempting look at what could be, which we’re not denying in any way. We’re not sure what it is, but we guess that it’s a sight that you don’t often see. Whenever you’re faced with something that seems insane and out of touch with your reality, it can often hit you in ways you didn’t expect, including excitement. Honestly, it’s like trying to describe a feeling you don’t even understand.
14. We Love Clothing Like This
Over the past decade or so, there’s been a real growth in the number of famous women who’ve been wearing clothes like this that seem to obscure but somehow still show off some of the most sexual parts of a woman’s body. We don’t know what material they’re made of or how they’re put together, but we can tell you right now it’s something that we approve of and hope that more women start wearing them out in public. We foresee a future where this becomes a real fashion trend and spreads across into the real world, with women everywhere walking around in some sort of weird mesh that somehow covers and yet exposes them at the same time. We’re not saying that it would look great at somewhere like a job interview, but everywhere else, you could probably get everything you wanted wearing clothes like this. We know we’d give you everything anyway.
13. Wow. Just Wow.
Look, we know that it’s fake, but when you’re staring at something that large, does it really matter? For anybody who doesn’t think that Nicki Minaj has had plastic surgery, just go on Google and take a look at what this woman used to look like when she was younger because we can tell you now that it was a woman who had much less of a curvy body. We know that puberty can make a huge change to how bodies look, but there’s a line to the amount of change it can make, if you ask us. Despite what various before-and-after puberty photographs may have told you, there’s no chance that puberty can have this sort of effect on you. Sorry kids, but if you’ve got a thin frame and a petite body, you’ll always have somewhat of a thin frame and a petite body, with some variation.
12. Have You Seen A Better Chest?
Despite the fact that they’re also fake, she’s clearly wearing a bra that’s too small for her, and that harness on her body is probably helping to push these guys to the forefront. Even we have to admit that this lady has got one of the best chests in showbiz right now. She may not make it into the top five, but she’s definitely in the top ten, if you ask us. How much money do you think it costs to get a chest like that? Do you think that somebody else paid for them or did Minaj? Honestly, to any woman out there, don’t go out and get massive breasts because it’s a decision that we think most people probably come to regret. It might feel good at first, but the novelty will quickly wear off, and plastic surgery can turn into a crazy addiction on top of everything else.
11. We Love The Hair More Than Anything Else
Sure, you’ve got some side boob going on, but the thing that we really love in this image is Minaj’s hair. Seriously, for a woman who’s spent her entire career cycling through wigs and hairstyles that look absolutely terrible, Minaj definitely needs to make this look a permanent addition to her wardrobe. In fact, she reminds us of Erykah Badu in this photo, which is probably one of the highest compliments you can receive from us because we think that woman is absolute perfection in a way that many other people will never be able to achieve in this lifetime. We know we’re supposed to be talking about Minaj right now but we’re not huge fans, as you can probably tell, so instead, we’re going to take this space to tell everyone reading this to go take a look at Erykah Badu’s body of work, as it’s absolutely brilliant across the board.
10. Just Hanging Out By The Pool
Does anybody else find it really hard to actually enjoy photographs that are set up like this? Sure, Minaj looks absolutely stunning here, despite the color of her hair, but we know that this probably took ages. Not only did Minaj have to set herself up in exactly the position that the person behind the camera wanted, but we’re also not seeing the hundreds of other pictures they took that were terrible. On top of that, the image is probably photoshopped to the point where it doesn’t accurately represent anything about Nicki Minaj. For us, it’s just too much to ignore while we’re looking at the photograph, almost as if one-half of our brain is attempting to enjoy it while the other half is screaming about how ridiculous the image is when you actually start to think about the amount of work that went into it. We just can’t suspend our disbelief.
9. Everything About This Shot Is Perfect
Yeah, so we’ve left the best of the photographs till last because there isn’t a single thing wrong with this image. Honestly, everything that could’ve possibly gone right to capture this moment in time, did go right. The way she’s angled her body is on point, and we think that fringe, just gently edging into the way of her eyes, looks absolutely fantastic. We’re the sort of people who would usually argue that objectifying a woman to this level is a pretty horrendous thing to do, but honestly, sometimes, you’ve just got to let yourself sit back and enjoy an image that’s meant to be enjoyed. Nicki Minaj didn’t let somebody take her picture like this because she thinks it will make people think she’s smart. She wants people to take a look at what she’s got going on because she knows that’s a great way to get people’s attention.
8. Nobody Likes The Crazy Look
We get that there’s probably a spot open in the market for a young rapper who’s a bit crazy, sort of like a hip-hop Lady Gaga, but we have to say that this sort of thing really doesn’t appeal to us at all, and Minaj should probably take a look at the beginning of her career if she wants a look at the direction she definitely shouldn’t be going in. Honestly, we think that the wig could look good if it was fully pink, but cut in two like this, it’s just obvious that Minaj is trying to look as different as possible in the hope of getting people into her. You would be surprised by how many people get pulled in by this sort of surface-level stuff. How do they not get turned off by this sort of thing once they hear how shallow the music is as well?
7. Blonde Hair Doesn’t Suit You
It’s just a fact, Minaj. We’re sorry if we’re the first people to point it out, but that blonde hair doesn’t suit you at all. We can tell you that we know exactly what it feels like to have hair that doesn’t suit you because pretty much all of us in this world has had a haircut or hair coloring at some point in our lives that, within an hour, we’ve realized is one of the biggest mistakes we’ve ever made. If you’re in the middle of a situation like this yourself, just remember that it won’t take as long as you think for it to grow back and that nobody cares about it as much as you do. Seriously, unless you start to draw attention to it, nobody is going to notice your hair in the way you think they’re going to. We can genuinely promise you that right now.
6. A Little Too Much
We think that when it comes to plastic surgery, there’s definitely a point where you can go too far. While many would probably agree that Minaj hasn’t made it to the point of no return like some female celebrities, we reckon that she’s right on the cusp and that if she isn’t careful, she’s going to end up really regretting a number of the artificial liquids and solids she’s had pumped into her body. This is the sort of stuff that you look back on at a later age and really regret, not like the tattoos that you’ll love your entire life, which everybody else tells you you’ll regret. There’s something about that disconnect in modern society that will never make sense to us: sure, go and get things pumped into your body, but don’t you dare have anyone draw anything onto your body because that’s disgusting? Weird.
5. Why Would You Think This Looks Good?
Seriously, what is it about this sort of stuff that some people seem to love as if what Minaj is doing here is in any way interesting or new? We’ve seen it all before. While she’s not the only famous female to take a ride on the shock train in the hope of gaining some more fans on the way, this look is definitely taking it to new heights. There was once a time when the beehive haircut was in fashion, but we don’t think that, even back then, people had hair this big and loud. Throw in the ability to dye and color hair however you want these days, especially when they’re wigs, and you’ve got yourself a messy picture right here. How do you think Minaj actually feels about her aesthetically louder older days? Do you think she looks back and realizes how ridiculous she looked, or does she look back and wish she could still dress like that?
4. She Looks Constipated
Is she trying to look sexy here, or is she doing that face on purpose? Can we also talk about how that hair clashes with the pink that she’s wearing, as well as how much that glitter makes her look violently uncomfortable? Think of how long she must’ve had to roll around looking and feeling like that, just accepting that she had to do it to please the studio and whoever was directing this music video. We’re not Minaj fans, so there’s a chance that this face is actually part of the video and not just catching her at a bad moment. Still, why would they get her to do a face like this unless they were intentionally trying to get rid of the fans who only follow her career because she’s stereotypically attractive? Who knows? Maybe you think she looks good in this image, but we respectfully disagree with you on that one.
3. High Waisted Is Not Working For You, Nicki
Sorry, but there’s a reason people stopped wearing high-waisted pants like this, and this image is a perfect example of why. We think it might have something to do with the fact that Minaj has managed to fit more things into her lower half than most other people in this world. It just doesn’t work so well when you then try to cover them up with pants that don’t look like they should be that high on your body. Honestly, we’re finding it a hard thing to describe, but there’s definitely something in the back of our mind that’s making this look really weird to us. Do any of you agree with us, or are you all looking at this image and thinking that she looks absolutely amazing in these pants? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but we think there are definitely some objective things out there as well.
2. Seriously, Change Your Hair
We’ve told you, mate: blonde just isn’t your look. Start throwing some weird acid-style Alice In Wonderland dress on, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster, if you ask us. Can we accept that people who look like this just aren’t putting in the sort of effort they should be to find their own style, instead relying on looking as ridiculous as physically possible in the hope that this will get their names in the papers and keep people buying their albums? The quicker we do, the quicker people will stop talking about singers and songwriters who just aren’t worth our time and instead should be run out of town as the total con men that they are. That way, we could focus on the true artists and writers who deserve our attention and not those who just happen to look a little bit weird when compared to the norm in society.
1. Why Would You Get Your Teeth Done?
This is a bit of a weird one, and we know that nobody else is going to agree with us, but we really don’t like Nicki Minaj’s teeth. We know that she couldn’t get work done on them because they’re essentially “perfect” in the eyes of the rest of the world, but we always think that teeth like this look really weird and unnatural, like they were made for a robot. Sure, there are definitely times when it’s better to get them artificially made to look straight and white, but most of the time, they just look much worse than the crooked, yellow fangs that you had before. We know this is totally just something that we think about, but it really struck us when we saw this particular image how fake and weird Minaj’s teeth look. Maybe she’s had work done on them in the past, or she might just have great teeth.
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