It’s summer and those hot Hollywood babes are stripping down to be hot while they stay cool. If you catch our drift. Shorts, crop tops, tank tops, bikinis, and tube tops are the order of the day. And guys everywhere can’t stop ogling all that exposed skin. Some are tank top kind of guys. Some love those bikinis. But, with all of them, quite frankly, what’s not to love? Well, sad to say, sometimes, rich and sexy celebrities just look like a mess in tube tops. Like a sack of potatoes bad. They may have bra fat, flabby arms, and totally untoned abs in abundance. Or, maybe the fit is the thing. But when the tube top is hot, it is scorching. See, with tube tops, you get the best of all worlds—skintight fit, cleavage, bare shoulders, and toned abs. Hollywood celebs wear tube tops with just about anything short and tight. Some of our babes step out onto the red carpet in tube tops. Eight of our hotties are completely rocking the look. Seven are bombing in tube tops. One celeb makes both the rocking and the bombing list. Read on. Hotties come first. So, good news before really, really bad news.
15. Kaley Cuoco – Sizzling In Black
It’s a kind of stringy tube top thingy, and Kaley Cuoco and her silicone-enhanced (yes, boob job) look great in basic black. The Big Bang Theory star is every nerd’s and any guy’s dream girl. She’s funny, hot and blonde. The former main squeeze of Superman (Henry Cavill) keeps dropping hints that she may quit the long-running TV show. Fans can’t imagine it without her. What on earth will those geeks do? Kaley is a media darling who hardly ever puts a foot wrong. She did get a lot of flack when she told a magazine she wasn’t a feminist because she never suffered inequality. So, she’s alright and to heck with everybody else? Something like that. It’s no surprise that she apologized, and retracted all over the place. Frankly, the way she rocks her tube top, we couldn’t care less. But we’re curious. What’s happening below her navel?
14. Kate Upton – Hot, Hot, And More Hot
Kate Upton is a D-cup model and actress with all American Girl innocence going on and just a hint of bad girl. She is s*x appeal on steroids, with just enough “naughty but nice” to keep her interesting. And, she rocks her tube top and matching mini skirt. Who can forget the Sports Illustrated Swimwear Edition photoshoots of our Kate on a beach wearing not much or, if we got lucky, nothing? Heck, she was on the cover in 2017. She’s made her way from modeling swimsuits to “acting” in movies such as Tower Heist and The Other Woman. The latter is notable not for her acting but for what was spilling out of her bikini as she bounced down a beach. Don’t ask. No, she can’t act. But, she looks really, really hot. With this outfit, it’s hard to know where to look. It’s all good.
13. Courtney Stodden – Adult Film Star Raunchy Hot
If Kate Upton is All American hot, Courtney Stodden is XXX, double Ds in your face, 5-inch day-glow wedge heels with matching tube top hot kind of hot. She’s a “reality star,” which means that she has marched around on Celebrity Big Brother shouting a lot, pissing people off, and wearing outfits like this one that wreaked havoc in the house. When she was 16 years old, she married 50-something actor Doug Hutchison. Why? Nobody knows. It’s not entirely clear if they are still together or not. It seems like there has been talk of them being separated but still living together. Stodden is a clean-living vegetarian (believe it or not) who is an avid supporter of the sometimes rabid PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). And, we are happy to say that this is one of her more conservative outfits. She usually shows a lot more skin.
12. Kim Kardashian – Euro Trash Hot
This is the kind of woman who attends Paris Fashion Week and comes out looking Euro Trash hot. You know. Showy but expensive and trashy-classy hot. Since Kim Kardashian got robbed at Paris Fashion Week, she has (some say hooray) kept a lower social media profile. She’s certainly not posting pictures of her big diamonds on Instagram anymore. These days? She’s celebrating “Northie” West’s fourth birthday and getting flack for maybe (or maybe not) appearing in black face for a cosmetics ad. Photoshopped to heck and back ads like that are part of the reason she’s built up her $150-million fortune. The chick has gotten $400,000 per episode on everybody’s not-so-favorite TV show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Even though IMDb gives it a 2.8 out of 10, it just keeps on airing.
11. Kate Hudson – Elegant Hottie
There aren’t many Hollywood babes who can get away with a sequined tube top on the red carpet, but Kate Hudson and her slightly enhanced silicone assets pull it off in sexy style. The fit of the two-piece is spot on and the choker-designed collar adds a tad of kinkiness to the mix. It’s hard to believe that Kate will hit the Big 4-0 in a couple of years. Word on the street is that she not only rocks tube tops, but totally excels at the cougar thing. Something about a 20-something male model we think. We say go for it, Kate. Goldie Hawn‘s little girl has built a totally successful and solid Hollywood career, with recent gigs in Kung Fu Panda 3 and Deepwater Horizon. Reportedly, she rocks her underwear in the latter. Better than a tube top? Maybe. Maybe not. You’ll have to see the film and decide for yourself.
10. Irina Shayk – Model Chic
Whether in the Sports Illustrated Swimwear Edition or the catwalk, model Irina Shayk rocks everything she wears. And this tube top is no exception. The Russian hottie was all loved up with super-hot and super-rich footballer Cristiano Ronaldo for a while and led a jet-set lifestyle funded by his $375 million. Then, she hooked up with Bradley Cooper (he of wet kisses, according to Jennifer Lawrence). Apparently, he mumbles French in bed, or some such. And, they have a kid! Way back in 2014, she appeared alongside Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in Hercules. It was a bad movie made watchable by Irina wearing not much clothing while doing a dancing girl routine. You know, veils and bangles. Critics advised the hottie not to quit her modeling day job.
9. Jennifer Lopez – Young J-Lo Sizzling
Was J-Lo ever, ever this young? Yes! This is Jennifer Lopez in 2001 at The Teen Choice Awards. She was all of 31 years old and married to Cris Judd. Judd who? He’s a choreographer and, sorry to say, he’s only famous for being married to J-Lo for a couple of years. Our girl is totally cool and hot in her patriotic tube top, complete with a Puerto Rican flag. We’re not certain what the surfboards are about, but it’s a nice trip down memory lane. Sixteen years, two husbands, and countless toy boys later, the 47-year-old cougar is still hotter than hot and richer than rich. And these days, she’s dating Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) of baseball fame. He’s only six years younger than our Latina cougar! Makes a change from those 20-somethings she’s hooked up with in the past.
8. Scarlett Johansson – Chic Hot
Even if we’re not certain of this shot of Scarlett Johansson having been taken before or after her silicone enhancements, it’s still hotter than hot. Guys lust after her. Women sometimes don’t like her (for obvious reasons). And this lacy tube top shows off those toned curves to her best advantage. The woman Ryan Reynolds dumped for Blake Lively is considered one of the sexiest actresses out there. And, her films have made more money than any other North American actress. We’re talking billions. She is Black Widow in Captain America and The Avengers, showing off all of her considerable assets in that leather skintight jumpsuit. Remember when all those cellphone nudies were leaked in 2011? Well, some snaps that our Scarlett had sent to then-hubs Ryan Reynolds were out there for the world to see. They caught the guy and banged him up…for like ten years.
7. Kim Kardashian – Oh No, What A Disaster!
The Kardashians were (supposedly) out and about in New York City to find a “luxury” (as in big and expensive) apartment. And there was Kim, not just in a tube top, but in a boob-to-floor tube dress. It looks like a bad sack of potatoes on her, with bra fat, crinkly flesh, and too much backside making what was meant to be one hot number into an “oh no” moment. See, our Kim is best viewed in Photoshop, where the waist is nipped in and the backside perked up and minimized. Even those crinkly bits of fat disappear. At about the same time as Kim stepped out in this disaster, J-Lo made an appearance on a red carpet in a mini tube dress. Gossips sites asked, “Who is hotter?” Hands down to J-Lo everyone said. We agree!
6. Coco Austin – Plastic Patty Overload
Now, some guys might look at Ice T‘s wifey, Coco Austin, in her lycra tubie and go YES! If you’re one of those guys, then fine. But we think her F cups look like something from a stacked Barbie doll. Fake? Yes. Plastic? Definitely. And, there’s just too much of “IT.” Like it’s too much of a good thing and getting on to a joke. Now, she apparently loves it and has even gotten implants in her backside so that the top and bottom match. WTF! We kid you not. Our Coco makes Courtney Stodden look almost sedate and dignified, we think. It could be worse…or better. You should see Coco in a bikini. Talk about too much of a good thing and overload of boobs. No word on Ice T’s take on it all. But he smiles a lot.
5. Lindsay Lohan – Imitates A Bag Lady
Where do we begin? Lindsay Lohan looks bad, mad, and plain sad. The top does not show off her pre-silicone boobies to best effect. They look uneven. The bod’s not bad, but the legs? Forget it. And we don’t want to know what that towel thingy is covering up. For all the world, she looks like an out-of-sorts bag lady looking for somewhere to sleep or pass out. This was clearly taken in her DUI, skipping-court, orange-is-the-new-black era. These days? She looks even worse. She’s in England filming TV’s Sick Note with Harry Potter‘s Rupert Grint. She’s 30 while he’s 28 and could just about pass for his mumsy. And, she’s…well…overweight. All that booze, we bet.
4. Pamela Anderson – Just Too Darn Old
There are just certain things that are for the young—hot pants, mini skirts, tank tops, and tube tops. Former Baywatch bouncing babe C.J. Parker, aka Pamela Anderson, is pushing 50 and showing it big time. Ten or fifteen years ago, she rocked tube tops. But these days? It just looks like she’s trying too hard and not succeeding. The sunglasses and the tacky lip liner complete the disaster of a look. It’s also sad to see that she’s turned cougar in a big way while, like Lindsay Lohan, her looks have gone South. Pam’s career has gone the same way. She did a turn in 2017’s biggest flop, Baywatch, but seems to spend most of her time applying lip liner badly and cruising for hot young toy boys. It’s sad when a former hottie goes cold. Our advice? Lose the tube top and lip liner like yesterday.
3. Mariah Carey – Cleaning Lady Out And About
Let’s face it. Mariah Carey used to be hot in her heyday. She has always had a tendency to pack on the pounds, which hasn’t helped. But the super-rich singer is single and presumably on the make after her divorce from Nick Cannon. It’s a good thing the getting-onto-50 Carey has $535 million in the bank. Our advice? Lose the tubie unless and until you tone those arms. Oh, by the way, do something with your hair, MC, will you? With that head gear, she looks as if she is on her way to clean somebody’s house while trying to hold up her sagging dowdy top. And, no, we don’t want to see the rest of the outfit. No way! Oh yeah, Mariah, do hire a new stylist while you’re out shopping for a personal trainer.
2. Nicki Minaj – Bag Lady
Nicki Minaj‘s single, “Anaconda,” reached number two on the Hot 100 list. This outfit wouldn’t make the Hot 500 list. Never mind hitting the top ten. The tube top and skirt have a gloomy color that makes her look like a sack of potatoes. And, she’s dressed like this while performing on stage? Bad move, Nicki. This was the chick who previously was freeing her nipple in a hot music video. Like Kim K, when Nicki’s hot, she’s hot and when she is not, well, it’s just plain out sad. What’s with the hand on her lady bits and the handbag? Bag lady alert. Get to the gym, Nicki. Take our advice and cover up until you do something about those “large” arms. Let’s remember her freeing the nipple and forget this moment ever happened.
1. Hilary Duff – Bombs Out
Hilary Duff, the former megastar of Disney’s Lizzie McGuire totally bombs out in this sparkly tube top. Hilary is another yo-yo weight up and down kind of chick and has got bra fat and flabby arm issues going on here big time. Like Kim K, sometimes, she’s hot. Sometimes, she’s totally not. And here, she misses the hot mark by a mile or ten. It’s hard to believe she’s been doing her acting/singing thing since 1993 when she was 6 years old. Once all loved up and married to ice hockey ace Mike Comrie, the two divorced after six years of marriage. Mike has had a spot of bother with the Los Angeles police over and “incident” in which a girl claimed she said “no” and he heard “yes.” There’s a word for that, we think.
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