A lot of guys out there will be happy - or at least willing - to admit their first crush was on a female superhero. Many fewer would admit they still have one today, but old habits died hard. Female superheroes are inherently good people and inherently good people usually aren’t strippers, adult entertainment stars or simply like walking around without a shirt on. It’s really one of the few negatives you can say about the world of superheroes.
Now, some will look at this and think “What a bunch of comic-con geeks who can’t get real girlfriends.” First, have you been to a comic-con? Some of these geeks have the prettiest girlfriends and some of them are dressed up like female superheroes. And there’s an interesting phenomenon when a real-life girl dress up like a fantasy girl. She gets super crazy hot. We wouldn’t say easy or slutty, but definitely someone you want to woo.
We do need to take a moment to point one thing out. A superhero is not a supervillain. Sorry Catwoman or Harley Quinn. You’re both beautiful, but you’re bad. Hey, we like Spiderman, Superman and Iron Man as much as the next person, but where are our strong, brave female representative for justice? More importantly, where are the hot ones? Doesn’t Hollywood know what the 15 to 35-year-old male demographic really wants? Give us sexy ladies kicking butt in short shorts and a push-up corset that makes her boobs bulge out. Actually, since we’re making requests, dump the corset. It’s getting in the way of what the men (and certainly some women) really want to see. The time has come to take the eraser to the comic books and the superhero movies. We’re getting rid of those pesky clothes and we’re doing what we’ve always wanted: Create the ultimate list of the 16 female superheroes we’d like to see bare it all.
Remember Robin, from Batman and Robin? Remember how you always wondered if he liked girls? Well, here’s an alien he dated. Does that count? Did she get to slide down the Batpole? If we were into aliens, this is one we’d certainly consider since she dresses in what amounts to a tiny one-piece bathing suit. Starfire’s real name is Koriand’r and like many superhero ladies, she was a princess, in this case of the planet Tamaran in the Vegan system. Why is it everything about this sexy beast sounds like it can be found in a spice rack? Anyway, Koriand’r has a sister who turned against the family and sold secrets to the bad guys, the Citadel. The villains take over Tamaran and banish Koriand’r to a life of slavery. Not the bad kind. The good kind, where you wear sexy outfits. Eventually her sister sentences her to execution but Koriand’r escapes and comes to Earth where she runs into Dick Grayson, who introduces her to his superhero buddies who rename her Starfire and they form the Teen Titans. When she wasn’t kicking butt, Starfire lived among the humans as Kory Anders, a model. We’re still looking for those pictures.
15 She-Ra, Princess of Power
She-Ra is proof a superhero needn’t come from a far away planet to be strong on sexy. She also proves that you can have a twin brother who is a total meathead and still pull off being the Princess of Power. When she’s not power-lifting robots and tossing them across the valley, she lives a life as Adora, who nails that sexy good girl thing we all like in our princesses, even if they have to cope with a dopey brother like He-Man who likes to scream “I have the power!” Along with her strength, She-Ra has the power of healing, can deflect incoming energy blasts and can communicate with animals. What more do you need in a girl? A hot body? Done. When she can’t simply kick a villain’s butt, She-Ra defends herself with the Sword of Protection. Apparently it also protects her from getting naked. Or maybe it was the fact it was a children’s cartoon.
So you’re into Asian girls with a lot of drama in their lives? Boy, do we have a superhero for you! There’s an average Japanese girl, Tatsu Yamashiro, who for whatever reason marries one of her brothers, Maseo. As in all quality incestual relationships, a second brother, Takeo, gets jealous and is disowned. Years later, he shows up demanding to battle his brother, winner gets Tatsu. During the battle, a fire starts, Maseo gets distracted and is killed. Tatsu shows up when this is happening, grabs Takeo’s sword and kills him after the sword starts talking to her, in the voice of her husband, whose body is still warm. So, with two brothers dead, she flees with the kids and starts training as a samurai, taking the name Kitana. Her magical sword, the Soultaker, true to its name, takes the souls of those who Kitana kills with it. Later on, it gains Sword Totem status of the Outsiders. Maybe we’re being a little crass, but we’d like to see Katana wield a sword call the Clothingtaker and we’d like it to turn on its master.
A 12-year-old boy who fantasized about Hawkgirl when she first made her way into the DC Comics world would be 84 years old now, but we’re guessing one look at this sexy superhero originally seen in Flash Comics #1 from 1940 would make the elderly feel young again. Like many superheroes who have been part of the culture for more than 70 years there are a lot of incarnations of Hawkgirl, but the one we like the best is the original from the Golden Age of DC Comics. Her given name was Shiera Hall and she was actually the reincarnation of an Egyptian princess and was married to another Egyptian reincarnate who went by the name of Carter Hall in the 20th Century, but was also known as Hawkman. Whenever they got killed, they were able to be born again, but fans knew the duo mainly as the Halls. Hawkman spent most of his time in the Justice Society of America, but this being the 1940s, Hawkgirl. We know the technology wasn’t around, but we like to think while Hawkman was away, she spent most of her time taking dirty selfies.
If there’s only one thing the movie American Pie bestowed upon the world (aside from Shannon Elizabeth’s breasts, but that’s a given) it was introducing the mainstream to the term MILF. If you don’t know what it means, ask your mother, teacher or boss...they’ll be happy to explain. We bring this up because there will be many who look at this list and say “Elastigirl? Surely you mean Elasti-girl with the hyphen in her name from DC Comics who made her first appearance in the mid-60s.” No. Not her. We’re talking about the mom from the 2004 Disney/Pixar film The Incredibles. She ranks highest on our Superhero MILF scale. She’s the real life Helen Parr who gets fed up with her husband trying to recapture his superhero glory days and blah, blah, blah...with that tiny waist, but big booty and chest...we weren’t really paying attention to the plot. Yeah, she’s a mom, but mom’s can still be sexy. Otherwise there wouldn’t be MILFs and that’s a world we don’t live in.
We can all agree our favorite part of any magic act is when the sexy lady assistant gets sawed in half or when the sexy lady assistant puts the magician in a straight jacket or when the sexy lady assistant...now that we think about it, we don’t like magic. We like sexy lady assistants and we believe the only thing hotter than a sexy lady assistant is a sexy lady magician. Zatanna appeared in the mid-1960s and discovers she’s able to do real magic when investigating the disappearance of her father. Our favorite act of Zatanna’s wasn’t magic. It was screwing with Jezebel Jet, Batman’s girlfriend at the time. Zatanna was a close friend of Bruce Wayne because of their similar pasts. They talked about a relationship, but didn’t pull the trigger because they knew Bruce Wayne was too devoted to being Batman. She also knows Selina is into Bruce. She goads Selina into telling Bruce, leaving Selina to steal him from Jezebel Jet. It didn’t work out perfectly for Zatanna, but she went on to date The Flash.
10 Ms. Marvel
As with many of these characters who have been around for 50 years, different people have been the alter egos depending on what the comic writer needed. Some characters would appear in five or six issues of a comic, disappear and then reappear 20 years later under a different “alter ego” name. Ms. Marvel is one of these characters, having seen multiple true identities. The one we’re going with her is her second, Sharon Ventura. We choose this version for two reasons. One, she was also known as She-Thing and wore super sexy outfits as that persona. Second because this version of Marvel was a lady wrestler. Sharon runs into The Thing at a school dance or something and agrees to join the Unlimited Class Wrestling Federation. Her strength gets augmented with what amounts to steroids, but she gets away from the people giving her the ‘roids and becomes a superhero wrestler, most notably doing battle with She-Hulk.
9 The Invisible Woman
This is an interesting conundrum. Can a superhero be someone you want to see naked if you can’t see her when she’s a superhero? Susan Storm was gifted the power of invisibility after being exposed to one of those pesky cosmic storms. Along with making herself invisible, she can make other people and objects invisible, usually in a situation of danger. The Invisible Woman made her introduction to the world in the immensely famous Fantastic Four No. 1 released in November 1961. Some may say Stan Lee’s greatest gift to the world was Spiderman, but we’re going to cast our vote for The Invisible Woman. Our favorite version was from 2004 with The Invisible Woman, when visible wearing a tight, tight blue form-fitting outfit that gave her the title of “Superhero with the Best Butt.” Maybe it’s not a real title. It doesn’t matter, we just wish she didn’t hide it part of the time.
This is a list about wishing we could see sexy female superheroes without their super-suits, or whatever they call those stupid, stupid clothes they feel compelled to wear. Most of the incarnations of Crystal show a shapely woman often wearing a yellowish-peach uniform. If one squints their eyes, it’s almost like she’s not wearing any clothes at all. In the last few years she’s been depicted in more of a jumpsuit with short, unsuperhero-like hair, so we’re going to go back to the 1960s and ’70s Crystal for our comic book fantasies. Crystal is from the race of inhumans who developed superhuman abilities when exposed to Terrigen Mist. Aside from her banging body, we also like Crystal because she can do it all. She can control earth, fire air and water, which pretty much covers everything including harnessing electricity or bending metal rods at her will. As long as she keeps wearing that outfit she can do whatever she wants to rods.
We’ve always really liked Batgirl. Then we saw 1997’s Batman & Robin. We know Alicia Silverstone’s breakthrough role was in Clueless, but when it came to knowing how to play this sexy ingenue, Silverstone was completely clueless. Both Silverstone and Yvonne Craig, who played the character on the campy 1960s television show were shown as women trying to prove she belonged with Batman and Robin. We don’t like angst-ridden women who don’t know their place is alongside the men. Our Batgirl stands alongside Batman - and frankly, should stand in front of Robin since she could kick his butt. When first introduced in 1961, Batgirl’s alter ego was known as Betty Kane, but upon reintroduction six years later she became Barbara Gordon, the daughter of Commissioner Gordon. He never recognized it was his daughter, just like he never recognized Batman was that weird rich guy. This kind of detective work is exactly what’s wrong with our law enforcement community today. He may be a dope but Mr. and Mrs. Commissioner Gordon sure make good looking superheroes.
6 Black Widow
There are more versions of Black Widow than there are judges on The Voice, so it’s important to look through the long list of hotties before settling on one. The Black Widow we’d most like to “accidentally” walk in on in the changing room at Target is Russian babe Natasha Romanoff. When you think of a name like Black Widow, it doesn’t evoke thoughts of goodness. It’s the perfect name for a villainess, and when first introduced, Romanoff was a Russian spy whose biggest nemesis was Iron Man. But like every other Soviet ballet dancer in the 1970s, Romanoff defected aligning herself with the Avengers and joining the team at S.H.I.E.L.D. The first Black Widow was Claire Voyant, but if you saw her standing next to Romanoff, it wouldn’t be a debate who to take to the prom. It doesn’t hurt Scarlett Johansson has played Black Widow in a bunch of movies including Iron Man 2 and Captain America: Civil War.
5 Wonder Woman
There’s a generation of hormone-laden teenage boys who only know Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, but for those a little older, their introduction to a real-life Wonder Woman came from the late-1970s television show. Lynda Carter played that Wonder Woman and was actually a spitting image of how the comic had always been portrayed. We’re not saying Gadot wasn’t off-the-chain hot, because she was, but it’s interesting how two women so beautiful yet so different could still portray the icon superhero. For those wondering, this founding member of the Justice League is a demigoddess and warrior princess of the Amazons. Anyway, back to the two hot ladies. Gadot’s performance was unbelievably, the first time Wonder Woman had ever been seen in a live-action movie. Thankfully we won’t have to wait too long to see our pal Gal on the big screen again as a Wonder Woman movie is scheduled for release in 2017
Pathetically, it took one of the two major comic book companies (DC and Marvel) until 1975 to feature an African-American female superhero. She is one of those characters whose backstory has largely stayed the same through the years but she has undergone a number of makeovers. This beauty was born in New York City, the child of a Kenyan tribal princess and an American photographer. Ororo Munroe, as she was named, moved to Cairo as a baby and then a fighter jet crashed into her home killing her parents when she was five. Translated in her language, Ororo means “beauty” and she grew up to be one heck of a beauty. As a member of the X-Men, she’s a well-known superhero who has been portrayed by Halle Berry and Alexandra Shipp in the movies. That’s one of the nice things about superhero movies. Even if they don’t have nudity, they feature actresses who often have done nudity. Want to see Storm in her birthday suit? Just dial up Swordfish or Monster’s Ball. Thank you, Halle Berry.
You know when you’re at an S&M club and you first get there and you’re picking your dominatrix and there are all kinds of tough looking women but your eyes is drawn to the innocent, yet strongly looking blonde in the corner of the room? Yeah, we don’t either, but we imagine Valkyrie would be that woman. Her backstory and alter ego is as difficult to follow as a broken GPS, so we’ll skip it. She’s just a hot, hot not-quite-human lady who is stronger than an ox and is not worth picking a fight with. Like most superheroes, Valkyrie is immune to disease and is next to impossible to injure, yet unlikely her counterparts, she isn’t immortal. She can tell when death is approaching, so she forms a “deathglow” around hers or someone else’s body. If we were beating up bad guys with her and after being injured her deathglow didn’t work, we’d let her die in our arms. We’d also explain she’d be a lot more comfortable dying if she loosened up a few of those buttons and straps.
2 Power Girl
We spent far too long trying to figure out exactly how the family tree works with her, Superman, Kal-L and Supergirl our head starting hurting like we were wearing a kryptonite crown. We think they’re all cousins, but it doesn’t really matter. In terms of looks nobody else in the family can hold a candle to this hottie. What we want to address is how the cleavage of her costume keeps coming and going through the years. Her outfit now reflects the one she debuted in back in All-Star Comics No. 58 with the most important part being a white bodysuit that has a cleavage-exposing windows. The shades were drawn on that window when publisher Jenette Kahn said it was too sexist. Later, she wore a capeless yellow and white unitard, which eventually became blue and white with a small cape. This version also returned the cleavage window, so we assume Kahn was rightfully fired, not understanding her target audience.
It’s been a long day fighting crime with our Marvel Partners like Iron Man, Captain America and The Incredible Hulk. Instead of heading straight home, you and your superhero friends decide to stop in at the local gentlemen’s club where they happen to be having Superhero Amateur Night. Like anybody who stumbles into one of these contests, you immediately wonder if you know any of the superheroes who entered. You’re shocked when they all come walking out for their introductions and half are ladies you work with. There’s Storm. There’s Ms. Marvel. Holy cow! There’s Black Widow. You’re going to see Black Widow dance around naked! Just when you think it’s not going to get any better who comes to the main stage but the superhero you’ve been ogling at work for weeks. There’s Nova. And there is the most perfect superhero body that has ever been put on this Earth. Or Earth-Two. Or Krypton. Or anywhere in this universe. Or the multiverse. You know what to do next: Ask Captain America for a dollar bill.
Sources: marvel.com, dccomics.com
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