The video game industry is getting overrun by d-bags right now. And the more d-bags there are, the douchier the games are going to get. Because if the market is flooded with d-bags, the games developers are going to cater to their douchiness, making games that are douchier than ever before. Just what kind of games do d-bags like to play? Just look around. They’re everywhere. And it’s not going to get better. It’s stunning that better games were being made 15-20 years ago, like No One Lives Forever 1 & 2, or the beloved Half-Life Series. What happened to games like that?
We got an even bigger glimpse into the oncoming tide of douchey games with this year’s E3. The kinds of games they announced were nothing new. It was just more of the same. With a few exceptions, most of the games were just stale sequels or games that look completely terrible. There’s nothing new. Games like Assassin’s Creed Origins and Farcry 5 are brimming with political commentary, but that still doesn’t change the fact that it’s the same old game being sold to us yet again. But that’s still the future. What are d-bags playing right now?
15. Lollipop Chainsaw
Lollipop Chainsaw came out back in 2012 and got pretty terrible reviews, but that’s not the only thing that makes this a game of choice for d-bags. They tried so hard to sell this game, and the only ones who were drawn in by it were shallow, easily excited virgins. In short, d-bags. They even dressed Jessica Nigri up in a cheerleader outfit in a desperate effort to boost sales. And it probably worked. But again, only D-bags fell for it. IGN gave it a 5 out of 10. Feminists groups around the world had a hissy fit. It’s since been labeled one of the most misogynistic games of all time, meaning they agree that this game is solely reserved for d-bags.
14. Team Fortress Two
I remember playing this game years ago. It came in the famed Orange Box, which also included gems like Half-Life 2 and Portal. This was a great game to play online. The keyword there is “was.” Years later, I found out that people were actually still playing this game. But I then found out that it had devolved into more of a game about collecting hats rather than the actual gameplay. Yes, hats. As someone told me, “It’s basically just about trading hats these days.” If you look into the subculture surrounding this it’s fascinating. But to me, “trading hats” seems like something only d-bags would be interested in.
13. Just Dance
Okay, I have to admit; after watching this video I actually kind of want to play this game. But what kind of person actually stands in their living room or whatever “dancing” along to these songs and actually takes themselves seriously. For me, this is the kind of game you play at the arcade (yes, those things actually existed once) while your friends watch and laugh. Actually purchasing it, taking it home, and devoting hours to playing and beating it? That sounds to me like something only a d-bag would do. It might be fun for the whole family, but if you’re just playing it alone, that’s actually pretty sad.
12. Senran Kagura: Estival Versus
This game has received tons of hype lately. It’s won a lot of nicknames over the months since its release. Some call it “The game that you can never let your girlfriend catch you playing,” or “Hentai: The Game.” While there’s no actual nudity in this game, it’s pretty clear who this game is marketed towards. That’s right: D-bags. The girls you play as and fight against continually lose their clothing. When you activate their special move, they suddenly become nude and pull scrolls out of some very suspect areas of their body. How do I know this? I watched videos… I totally haven’t played it myself… Ahem…
11. The Halo Series
It breaks my heart to include this game on the list. I used to love Halo. Some of my earliest and best memories of playing games were beating Halo at my friend’s house in Co-op mode. And I totally bought into Halo 2… And 3… and ODST… And then I just stopped caring. You can only take this game so far. Face it, it’s over. The game is stale now and it’s time to give this baby the respect she deserves and put her to rest. Otherwise, you’re just milking a dead franchise for more and more money. Of course, people will still keep on buying them. And those people are d-bags. Because due to their mindless purchasing power, we’ll probably see Halo 17 within our lifetimes.
10. Mass Effect: Andromeda
I really feel sorry for those people who were stupid enough to buy Mass Effect: Andromeda. And I totally get it. Mass Effect 1 was incredible. A step in a totally new direction. With Mass Effect 2, it was still cool but it lost a lot of its charm. And then 3 came out… And that’s when everyone should have realized that this franchise was only going to get worse. But somehow, lots of people (d-bags) were naive enough to believe that Bioshock would actually produce a good Mass Effect title this time around. They spent 40 million dollars on it, and it still ended up looking like a joke. Everyone was laughing at this game – from the weird facial expressions to the strange glitches. Everyone, that is, except the d-bags who bought it.
9. The Call Of Duty Series
This is another seriously stale title. You know a franchise is pretty dead when their newest idea is to go back to the same idea they had for the first ever title – set it in World War 2. I mean, come on… How many time are you going to make us storm the beaches of Normandy? But that’s the future. There’s plenty of other reasons this game is for d-bags that we can find here in the present. The main thing for me is that it’s incredibly pro-war. Not only that, it’s pro-American war, which means it’s promoting some seriously corrupt, immoral, and criminal wars. It’s even more pro-war than top gun. In fact, I bet a bunch of d-bags actually signed up to join the military because they played Call Of Duty.
8. Farming Simulator 2017
Does anyone out there actually play this? If there’s someone out there who has poured hours and hours of effort into this game: congratulations, you are a confirmed d-bag. Who in their right minds would find this fun or entertaining? I just don’t get it. What’s the appeal? The only people who I imagine are into this are old people. And old people don’t play video games. This may sound hypocritical after just bashing Call Of Duty, but what’s the point of a video game if you can’t shoot, stab, or kill stuff? Okay, that sounded really hypocritical. So what? Shoot me.
7. Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad
Here’s another video game that made feminists around the world completely flip out. Here’s one game that actually does totally appeal to like, the male fantasy. There’s no denying it. Anyone who still plays this game has some serious problems. Number one, because it came out 2006, so who the hell would still be playing it. Number two, because it got little over 3/10 from most reviewers. And number three, because people who bought this game failed to realize something very important. If you want to see hot girls in bikinis, just use the Internet. It’s that simple. There’s no reason to multi-task by playing video games to achieve the same task. Just do one thing at a time.
6. Train Simulator 2017
Here’s another game I’ve never played, and I never want to. Maybe I would be interested if it was a plane simulator, or a space shuttle simulator, or I don’t know… Pretty much anything that can actually turn. But a train? That thing is stuck on the freaking tracks! You literally have no control over where it goes. All you can do is control the speed. Seriously, where is the fun in that? I get that there’s probably more to it than that, but I’m putting this one in the same boat as Farm Simulator: A boat strictly for the use of d-bags, and d-bags alone. It actually got some pretty decent reviews so I guess for those people who enjoy watching trains go round and round, it could be fun… I guess…
5. Vroom In The Night Sky
It’s pretty obvious by the title that this game is completely stupid. I mean, come on. “Vroom In The Night Sky?” What the hell is that supposed to mean? It got a seriously low score on Metacritic (17%), and is widely considered one of the worst games of 2017. Yes, this game actually came out in 2017. I don’t know why anyone other than D-bags would decide to buy this game. I’ve read that players finish the entire game in one to two hours, tops. And to top it all off, the concept is so dumb. You fly a magical bike around in the night sky. That’s about it. Nintendo Switch is an exciting console, but it’s games like these that make it looks seriously dull and childish, and that’s not good.
4. Second Life
This is the nightmarish side of video games. It’s a sign of what video games could one day be, and this is not a very nice future. Over a million people in the world are regular users of Second Life, meaning they’re probably more obsessed with their lives in Second Life than their reality in the physical world. In Second Life, you can be whoever or whatever you want to be, and your appearance is up to you. People actually spend their real world money to buy in game items, and they even use it to gamble. You know things are bad when Second Life issues a ban on gambling in the world, and then an in-world bank worth 750k collapses. How did it get to this point? D-bags, that’s how.
Runescape is another game that’s been around forever, but there’s still a loyal following of d-bags who play it. I didn’t even know the server was still active until I heard of a crazy story involving the so-called alt-right. Apparently, the developers of Runescape decided to create a fun game for players in the spirit of Pride Month. Players were sent out to find rainbow stones, and if they found them all, they were awarded with a rainbow scarf. But when a certain dark corner of the Internet found out, disaster struck. Thousands of players invaded the Runescape world dressed in white robes and hats, in an effort to emulate the KKK. They typed in homophobic slurs and ruined everyone’s fun.
2. Dead Or Alive: Paradise
Another game that is undoubtedly reserved for D-Bags is the Dead Or Alive beach volleyball video games. There’s actually a whole series of them, and it’s not just Dead Or Alive Paradise. I remember playing this game when I was 13 and thinking it was so cool. I couldn’t believe that they actually made a video game like this. But that’s the point – I was 13. Grown adults playing this game are total d-bags. And the game isn’t even fun. The volleyball game that the whole game revolves around is glitchy and boring. It’s not really worth it to play all that beach volleyball to buy some new skimpy bikinis. Because once again, the Internet is a lot better at finding those sorts of images…
1. Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle
The last game is more of a prediction. Of all the games announced at E3, Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle got the most groans from the gaming community. It just seems destined for complete and utter failure. It might actually end up being okay, but from what we’ve seen of it so far it looks pretty damn cringey. Just look at this picture. To the right of Mario, we see a Rabbid… Dressed as Peach… Taking a selfie… And they all have guns! That is so not in the style of Mario. This is being made by Ubisoft, and I get it, it’s geared towards kids. But whoever plays this is going to grow up to be a huge d-bag.
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