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15 Ugly Fish We’d Throw Back Into The Sea

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15 Ugly Fish We’d Throw Back Into The Sea

I already know what you’re thinking: “Wow, whoever wrote this article must be a total mean girl.” But that’s not the case, as this list is not made up purely of overweight women wandering the ocean shores or people who are just plain fugly but who are trying too hard to look hot in a teeny-tiny bikini. All sorts of people could easily belong on this list of ugly “fish,” and that’s because there are so many things that make women look bad in swimwear. On the beach, it’s not only the old or fat people who look so bad we literally want to throw them back in (although fat people do make up a large portion, I must admit). Poor bikini choice, being too tan, being too fat or too thin, looking old and saggy, not shaving properly, letting everything hang out… Trust me, the possibilities are endless when it comes to looking bad on the beach.

All of the above criteria and more made it pretty easy to compile this list of ugly women at the beach, and some will surprise you. I suppose that really, it’s much easier to get caught looking gross when nearly your entire body is exposed, and since people usually pick out unflattering clothing for themselves in a regular setting, they naturally suck at picking out swimwear to cover their unmentionables. But some people show off way too much (and some not enough), and some people simply have no business on the beach in anything less than regular clothing. Just my opinion, but you may agree after reading this list and seeing everything the world’s beaches have to offer by way of the fugly.

Here are 15 stellar examples of women who remind us of ugly fish we really just want to throw back into the depths of the ocean, never to be seen again.

15. Ugly Lady Dancing

This young woman is the star of a YouTube video in which she dances in a swimsuit on the beach, and the video is aptly-titled “Ugly Lady Dancing.” The faux-redhead (or maybe it’s purple?) wears a turquoise and pink one-piece that might as well be a two-piece, and this terrible choice of swimwear is only her first mistake. You can view the video, but in case you want to spare yourself, you can just read what I have to say about it right now. She shimmies and shakes it to a variety of pop songs during the one-minute and 16-second video, and she even works a pole! The weirdest (but also the part hardest to not watch) is when she rolls around in the muddy water. She clearly loves the beach and dancing (and head-banging), and props to her for that. But just no.

14. American No-No

Can you believe this hag was once the cute star of American Pie? Age hasn’t been kind to Tara Reid, unfortunately, and these photos prove that. At the age of 42 (she was only 24 when American Pie came out), she’s saggy in every area of her body (but especially her boobs), her face is so wrinkly she could be a decade older, and the fact that she’s so pasty and unfit makes it clear that the beach is not the place for her — well, not without a cover-up, that is. The clown makeup doesn’t help things; nor does the fried, bleach-blonde hair that no 42-year-old should have. It’s sad that some women just don’t get how bad they look while trying to look young and hot. For Tara, as for so many other middle-aged women out there clinging to their youth, her attempts have backfired.

13. Bikinis and Body Hair Don’t Mix

I’ve always been of the personal opinion that actress Michelle Rodriguez looks pretty manly. If not manly, then at least androgynous. I genuinely don’t get what the big deal is about her. But I can put my own opinions aside to be fair, although even when I do, she winds up on this list. She has a decent body and nice thick black hair. But I’m talking about the hair on her head; the pit hair is also thick and black but needs to go. How gross! If you already have a manly face, a boyish figure, and a deep voice (for a woman), why on earth would you put on a skimpy bikini, go to the beach, and then flash your hairy pits for the world to see — especially when photographers are right there taking your picture? Maybe she just doesn’t care, and if that’s the case, her confidence is commendable. If she thinks she looks good, however, she’s in for a rude awakening.

12. Serial Killer Fashion, AKA the “Facekini”

Yes, this is a real thing, and if you Google “facekini,” thousands of photos will pop up of women swimming while wearing these serial killer masks. This creepy new trend reminds us more of a serial killer whose prey is in the water or something, but definitely not a swimming accessory. The facekini is popular in China and other countries where fair skin is considered the most beautiful. This includes many Asian countries, where they think very white skin is attractive, which is the exact opposite of what American women prefer, interestingly enough. So, they go to great lengths to keep their skin fair, and actually, despite the reasoning, they’re probably onto something because at least they’ll be less likely to develop skin cancer because they cover up their faces and more of their bodies with more modestly styled swimwear. But there’s no making the facekini attractive; people have tried (see the photo farthest to the right), and even sexy models cannot take the creepiness out of the facekini.

11. Careless Tanning or a Skin Condition?

In the photo of this grandma (probably?), we cannot see her face, but do we really need to? Given that the rest of her looks, well, like this, I think it’s safe to assume that the overly-done tan and the sagging wrinkles extend upwards of her neck, too. On one hand, it’s pretty sad that someone let tanning get this out of hand, and hopefully, it hasn’t led to skin cancer. But her skin looks so raw and burnt that she almost appears to have some sort of disease or skin condition already. Good for her for not caring what people think and taking her grandson to the beach anyway (and wearing something to keep cool despite how bad it looks), but this photo is cringe-worthy. By the looks of it, she may not be around that long for this poor little boy, and obviously, it looks bad enough that some random stranger took this photo while she wasn’t looking, and now it’s all over the internet because everyone else agrees that it’s just that nasty.

10. How Does That Top Even Stay Up?

At first glance, you may be wondering why anyone would consider this fair-skinned bikini babe an “ugly fish” worthy of being tossed back into the sea. Actually, this is actress Olivia Palermo. But famous actress or not, she should have given more thought to her bikini choice because her lack of any sort of boobs whatsoever is so obvious and looks terrible. She looks as flat as a boy! There’s literally nothing holding her bikini top up, and it only stays in place because it’s tightly tied in the back. Olivia looks like a pasty board standing against the white sand. It’s not a good look for her. I’m not a fan of cosmetic surgery, myself, but if ever there was a woman who could benefit from a boob job, it might be Olivia Palermo. Just saying.

9. Great at Winning Game Shows, Not So Great at The Beach

Now, this is the typical kind of photo you’d expect to find on a list such as this because this woman is flabby and overweight, yet running around (literally) in a bikini. Good for her, but not for us. She’s Josie Gibson, and while her talent may not be fitness, it is winning reality television shows (and a lot of money). In 2010, she won Big Brother UK, and the same year, she also competed in Ultimate Big Brother. The fan-favorite has struggled with weight since the age of six. She once said in an interview, “At times, I’ve been so desperate to stop eating that I’ve left the dinner table and gone and put a bikini on for 20 minutes. But it still doesn’t work.” She also has said that when it comes to food, she has no “off” button. This kind of lack of self-control with eating is sadly way too common, and Josie shares her problem with millions of people around the world.

8. This She-Man

And with the opposite problem as Josie Gibson, here we have this woman, who instead of not working out enough, has worked out way too much. Her photo is representative of all the bodybuilders (men included) who take things too far in the gym and turn into freakishly strong but scary-looking mutant people. Especially on a woman, this isn’t a good look, and it’s just as cringeworthy as seeing photos of people looking like beached whales. As they say, everything in moderation. And that goes for exercise as well. There’s nothing attractive or pretty about this photo, and this die-hard bodybuilder probably looks gross enough in clothes that actually cover the majority of her body without flaunting what she thinks looks so good in a tiny little two-piece such as this.

7. Another She-Man

Recognize her? This is Caitlyn (formerly Bruce) Jenner. She’s worn everything from ball gowns to women’s jeans and looked pretty good for still being a man. But the swimwear is crossing the line. In the tight, skin-baring white one-piece, it becomes pretty clear that she was born a man (and technically still is). She has no hips, no curves, and no grace about her whatsoever. Props for the effort, but this is a total fail. Just look at those upper arms, too — no way are those a woman’s arms (although the woman in the picture before this could take him). I feel bad for Caitlyn, and I support her journey. But at the end of the day, I’ve always loved Bruce, and maybe that is clouding my judgment. Seriously, though… do you think this looks good?

6. A Clown at The Beach?

Beaches are natural places that you really don’t need to wear makeup to visit. Perhaps, that’s why this photo looks so very out of place. This woman has really caked it on. She probably looks pretty underneath all that gook, but we’ll never know. Donning some sort of vintage-style swimwear, flats, a hot-pink turban-type head covering, and a long necklace, she looks like she should be pretty much anywhere but the beach. I mean, what would happen if she went in the water? All that paint would probably smear and blend and she would look even scarier than she does now. Women (for the most part) don’t need that level of makeup to look good, and in fact, most of the time, they would look better without it. This is one perfect example of that and of an ugly fish we want to just throw right back in.

5. Showing Too Much Skin… Yet Somehow Not Enough

What a conundrum. These ladies have decent bodies (a couple of them even have hot bodies), but there’s so much distracting us from that, that they might as well have gross bodies. After all, they’ve kind of turned their bodies gross. Besides looking trashy, these women look a lot more clothed than they actually are. Take some of the “artwork” these women have chosen to forever stain their skin with: weird symbols, unintelligible script, machine-like things, etc. Most of the tattoos, I cannot even figure out what they are, and all of them take away from everything that makes a woman look great on the beach: the teeny-tiny bikini, her curves, her skin, and her beauty overall. In my opinion, all four of these women (along with the hundreds of others whose tattooed bikini bodies were so readily available to see online) did themselves a disfavor and should’ve left their skin ink-free (or at least gotten fewer tattoos).

4. Too Tan, Too Skinny

These two ladies prove exactly why not every thin, tan woman on the beach can be considered attractive. At first glance, sure, you think, “What’s ugly about these two?” But the girl on the left is both way too tan and way too skinny, and while the girl on the right is not as badly tanned as the first girl, she is way too skinny, and she could use a little sunblock herself. She looks so frail I’d be afraid to run with her, or toss a ball with her on a beach because she looks like she would be broken very easily! I get it; young women these days think that to be hot, you have to be super thin, have long hair, and have tan skin. But these two have it all wrong because their thinness is gross, their hair is ratty, and the amount of tanning they’ve done (especially Miss Tang in the pink bikini on the left) isn’t attractive in the slightest. I’m willing to bet that most guys would agree with me on this.

3. Big Women, Little Swimsuits 

I’m always stunned to come across photos of this online, especially when they’re clearly pictures taken of real women somewhere and not questionable or photoshopped. These three women pictured above are obviously real, and so are their problems — huge problems, to be exact. All three have, for some reason, chosen to wear (and allowed themselves to be photographed in) disgustingly small swimwear when they’re rather large women. The one on the left in the neon-yellow bikini (bad color choice, too, by the way) has only her stomach roll to cover her nether regions, because that string bottom (is it on backward?) will do nothing, and she might as well not even be wearing a top. The lady in the middle is wearing some sort of candy bikini (enough said — shudder!), and finally, the woman on the right, while definitely better off than the first two, looks just plain ridiculous. Again, why even bother covering your top? We all know you have nipples, and there’s no support there whatsoever. She would look better topless.

2. This Lady

If you look closely, you’ll be able to tell that this lady is wearing a bikini made of CDs. I don’t even know who owns CDs anymore, but to have enough of them to create an entire two-piece out of them (and not on an extremely thin waist)? Now that’s crazy. But she doesn’t seem to care and strolls the beach proudly in her creation while sipping her drink. Between her very strange choice of swimwear, the fact that she thought it up and created it in the first place, and her less than desirable beach body, this unique chick more than deserves her spot on this list. We don’t know who she is, but in a way, she earned her 15 minutes of fame because there are several places online where this photo can be found, mostly on lists of what not to wear and lists of clothing made of garbage.

1. Sometimes, It Doesn’t Matter How Hot You Are

…If you’re willing to be caught wearing anything like this. People have gotten very — shall we say — creative in recent years and have designed swimwear the likes of all of the above. Pictured here, we have the “dad bod” swimsuit, a one-piece with a creepy guy’s face on it (he kind of looks like Bradley Cooper, actually), and a suit that shows off your insides. Yummy. None of these women are unattractive naturally, but their disgusting choice of fashion makes them look that way. And things are getting out of hand when it comes to bathing suits these days because you can find swimwear of literally anything, which is not always a good thing. For example, there are swimsuits out there with the faces of Kim Jong-Un and Donald Trump on them! In my search, I found a bikini top that was made of plastic bags filled with water, and there was a goldfish swimming around in each one. I’m sorry, but clothing can and often does make a person unattractive.

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