There is a lot about Tinder that has scarred us for life. From the questionable profiles to the conversations that some people have had, it’s almost enough to make us avoid the app at all costs. But, if you’re single and looking, it’s a lazy option as opposed to getting off the couch and spending money at the bar.
Now, the other thing about Tinder that makes it a little iffy is all of the bad tattoos that people have decided to emblazon their bodies with. Yes, tattoos are an artistic and personal choice, yet not when other people have to endure looking at them. Think about it, aren’t you glad that your 55-year-old math teacher from high school never came to school in a spandex two-piece? Sometimes, we wish that these people would have simply left their skin alone and never inked it with their mom’s smiling face or a Nike symbol.
As if that weren’t enough, these select ladies and gentlemen have also decided to pair their tattoos with lacklustre profiles that make us wish that Tinder had a ‘hell no’ option. If you’re new to Tinder, use this as a list of the people you should avoid on Tinder. Or, maybe you can learn what not to put on your profile to land a date for the weekend. Unfortunately, if you’ve already gotten a tattoo that hurts the eyes of innocent people walking by, just be sure to cover it up with a t-shirt or Band-Aid until the 3rd date to avoid scarring your date for life.
15. Is There A ‘Super Dislike’ Option Yet?
Apparently, she-whose-name-we-cannot-pronounce doesn’t know what ‘contradiction’ means? Seriously, this woman tattooed her entire leg, used it as her profile picture, but stated that she hates most tattoos? Maybe, she just hates any tattoos that don’t remind her of fairy tales and Disney princess movies? She also hasn’t learned that hate is a strong word to use against innocent little kids when you stole your tattoos from the pictures in their books. She also might have a face tattoo of her own as she prefers men with one. Yet, again remember that if you want to date this Princess, she’s the only one allowed to have a body tattoo. Again, this is a contradiction or her way of letting you know that dating her isn’t a diplomacy and this Princess will always be the boss.
14. We Guess He Looks Like Bart?
We get it, The Simpsons is obviously an iconic show as it’s been running since Taylor Swift was in diapers. Yet, does that mean you really want to tattoo an image of it permanently to your skin? Apparently, this guy loves The Simpsons so much that he thought it would be a great idea to put what looks like Bart’s face as a rock star on his back. Not only did he think it was a great idea, but he thought it’d be great to show off that tattoo as one of his profile pictures. It’s not that great of a tattoo, for one. Second, the whole point of a Tinder profile is for someone to get to know you and what you look like. Showing off your back and that you’re into a popular show doesn’t give a girl much to go off of Fefe.
13. Is That You, Satan?
We’re going out on an uneducated limb here and guessing that this tattoo is an image of a Japanese demon. That might be completely wrong, but whatever Daniel’s tattoo turns out to be, it does bring to mind demons trying to pull you into to the bottom of a fiery pit for all of eternity. What we do know for sure about Daniel is the location of this ‘demon tattoo’. If you haven’t figured it out yet, we’ll give you a guess; that floppy bit of flesh in the center is his ear. That’s right, this screaming monster is permanently tattooed on his neck! Now, his prospective dates will have to guess what other screaming tattoos these 220 lbs. of shaved fun has decided to adorn himself with. At least he seems like he’ll be a fun date if you’re the type who enjoys ‘having’ out.
12. What’s On Your Face, Martin?
Apparently, neck tattoos were a thing at one point with men in their 30s. There is a reason that Matthew is still single at 37 and we think that his tattoos might have something to do with it. Martin Luther King was a prolific figure in the Civil Rights Movement, so if you’re going to have someone’s face permanently inked onto your body, he’s not too bad of a choice. However, please pay homage to the King in a way that doesn’t leave us all scratching our heads wondering what is pointing at his face. It looks like another face has been spliced with his face like Lord Voldemort’s. Although, we can’t be entirely sure if that’s another face or maybe Bane from Batman that is next to the King, because at this point even that seems like it’d make sense to Matthew.
11. The Walking Advertisement
Corporations are slowly taking over the world and Kyle wants us to know that by permanently inking his skin with one of the world’s biggest brands. We’re guessing that his other arm has a green and white mermaid just to let you know where he gets his morning coffee from. Judging by this lack of originality when picking a tattoo we’re also guessing that Kyle is as bland as this long-term choice. He hasn’t even tried to offset this with an interesting word or two on his profile. It says nada, because that’s probably what Kyle will offer as conversation for the first date – absolutely nothing. Although, if you love thinking that the next thirty years of your life will be spent on the couch or getting matching apple tattoos, then Kyle is your man.
10. The New Age Nazi
Want to know what the numbers inked on her chest mean? Well, the number 88 represents the phrase ‘Heil Hitler’, because H is the 8th letter of the alphabet. The number 14 has something to do with a 14-word mission statement from the late KKK member David Lane about ‘ensuring the existence of white children.’ As her profile states that she’s a single mom, we can only guess that Kimberly has taken this statement to heart. In case you didn’t notice, Kimberly has emblazoned these numbers in a big ol’ heart just to show off how much she loves being a white supremacist. For those who don’t stay up to date on white supremacists’ magical numbers, Kim has explicitly outlined her likes and dislikes to read like a love letter to Nazis.
9. New York’s Finest
Lucy isn’t afraid to show off that she’s a little trashy. In fact, she wants you to know that she’s an NYU student always down for having a good time. Match with her and your first date will be all about the time she got this tattoo when a friend dared her after they had one too many shots of tequila. You’ll pray that it’s her only drunk tattoo story. She’ll also tell you how hard and expensive it is living in downtown Manhattan. When you ask her what her day was like, she’ll reply how she had to have her manicurist redo her nails ‘like 3 times’. Yet, judging by her profile description, this NYU student will be down to end the night with you making sure that you have a good time for putting up with all her stories.
8. What’s The Snake Holding?!
Don’t be distracted by her pretty face and flexible position, Constance is a psycho. That tattoo on the back of her left leg is a snake that is either strangling or waiting for the perfect time to eat that cute little puppy. Basically, you’re the puppy and Constance is looking for a snack to trap into her 99 problems. Also, that ‘pool’ looks more like a fountain that has been turned off. Constance isn’t afraid to break the rules, your bank account, and perhaps a young child’s heart when they realize that she’s their mother. Save a child’s future, by hitting the big red X and you’ll your fulfil your charity obligation for the year. If you want to feel good about yourself for two years, warn your buddy about Constance as well.
7. Is That You Hilary?
This is what Hilary Clinton would have looked like in her twenties if she dyed her hair black and worked the night shift at a tattoo parlour. Apparently, that’s what forums and ‘Inked’ magazine thought when this woman’s Tinder profile made people lose their minds about how much she resembled our should-have-been-first-female-president. Her photo went viral and we’re guessing she’ll be set with matches for days. While the real Hilary has no tattoos that we know of, this young woman seems to have dozens. So, far we can see several on her chest, fingers, and both of her arms. Maybe she’s Hilary’s long-lost daughter and the tattoos are her way of acting out over jealous feelings towards Chelsea? Whether she is (or is not) related to Hilary, we bet that you’ll never look at Mrs. Clinton the same way again.
6. The Jersey Shore– Thug Life Edition
Yo, Brent, which one of these shirtless thug wannabes is you, man? We’re guessing Brent is front and center with a fake imitation of Tupac’s ‘thug life’ tattoo on his stomach and gold chainz. Although, he could also just be that guy off to the right. Either of them would be Michelle’s ideal match– well as long as they can grow beards. Do you see all those hard-core tattoos? He isn’t afraid of pain. The other part about this picture that catches our eyes is that we can’t figure out whether or not that scowl across Brent’s face is full of grillz or real teeth. Judging by his hard-core pose, we’re going to say, ‘yep they’re grillz’. This guy is definitely all about showing off his lifestyle and is probably the type to talk about his ‘bros’ and ‘hoes’ while saying, ‘ya know what I mean?’
5. The Activist
Some people wear their hearts on their sleeve. Others present them front and center permanently tattooed for the entire world to see. Sure, this revolutionary is probably an intelligent woman with liberal ideals and ideas, but inking those on your skin seems like a very bold and just a plain bad idea. It’s a sensitive topic for some people (like refugees) and while we’re sure that some people are happy to know that this is her political stance, it can also bring her a lot of unwanted attention. Then, there is the line drawing added to the bold words that kind of rubs you the wrong way. We’re sure that she doesn’t mean any harm, but it almost comes off as offensive; like half of the things that Katy Perry does.
4. It’s A Trap
Don’t be fooled by Michelle’s cute smile. She’ll probably punch you right where it’ll make you squeal just for trying to read what it says on her chest. This young lady wants you to know that she is a tough woman. Notice that big ol’ tattoo spread across her chest? She’s looking for a guy with a similar love of tattoos that say ‘I’m tough’. So, if you make it past her criteria of being a bearded lumberjack with a full sleeve and more tattoos than chest hairs, you’ll probably land a first date. Then, you’ll get to spend it wondering exactly what her tattoo says. Although, as cute as her smile is, it kind of reminds of Jack Nicholson in The Shinning. So, be careful not to stare too hard at her errr… chest.
3. The Boxing Kangaroo
There is more to Australia than just boxing kangaroos, Dean. Outlining your country in stars on your chest is a nice homage to the land that you love. However, it’s only cool if Dean is in fact Australian. Otherwise, it’s full-on weird. Not, that his tattoo isn’t already a little weird since Australians secretly make fun of Americans for their patriotism that is constantly paraded on front lawns with huge flags. It just seems weird that someone who comes from a land that criticizes another country’s hard-core patriotism decided to dedicate his entire front side to his country. Also, just to reiterate why not choose something less stereotypical than kangaroos to represent Australia? Like feral camels, which Australia has nearly 1 million of living in their outback?
2. Dennis Is Back
While we get that this is a total joke since Dennis Rodman is now a 56-year-old ex-basketball player cozying up with Kim Jong-Un, this is still weird. Yes, we know that it’s not exactly the tattoos that are weird (although they are), but the profile itself. It leaves a lot of questions going through our mind like why doesn’t Dennis, aged 25, have any actual photos of himself? Also, why did he choose this particular photo of Dennis in women’s lingerie? Also, judging by his profile does that mean that he likes basketball or North Korea? He doesn’t seem to be interested in giving any more clarification either as his profile is sparse. Yet, we don’t think that too many women will feel desperate enough to swipe right just to figure out exactly what is going on in 25-year-old Dennis’ mind.
1. His Name Is Abby
Date this guy and you’re most likely going on a first date with his ego. We’re just kidding; every date will be with his ego. He takes progress pics of his six-pack and probably uses hair gel just to go to the corner store for milk. How do we know? Because, he shaves his chest hair and has hundreds of photos of his abs on his phone. Although, women should know that he has a sentimental side too. See that tattoo on his left pec? It’s a dedication to someone. And, while we can’t read what his other tattoo says, we’re going to guess that it’s an inspirational quote. Maybe, it says something like, ‘only look for women who are interested in your hard chiseled body and not your face or what you think.’
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