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15 Things We Absolutely Hate About Tim Allen

Entertainment
15 Things We Absolutely Hate About Tim Allen

There are people that you can look at in Hollywood and wonder how they’ve lasted so long. It doesn’t make sense to us that the Kardashians lasted more than six months or that Ted Danson has starred in a show basically since 1982. One of the biggest mysteries to us, however, is how Tim Allen has lasted so long despite having so little talent.

At this point, there will be a certain group of people who feel that what you’re about to read is part of a “liberal agenda” bent on silencing people like Allen. It’s ludicrous. The truth is, Tim Allen is one of those people who have slipped through the cracks for a long time because they’ve consistently made money for whoever hired them, be it on TV, in the movies or on the comedy stage.

There’s a lot to dislike about Tim Allen, both personally and professionally. He’s routinely made poor decisions, said horrible things, and created “entertainment” that catered to the most basic segments of society. There’s very little creatively redeeming about Allen, and in the end, he’s not going to be remembered.

Tim Allen plays the Hollywood game and plays his fans. His greatest skill is manipulation of the system, and that system includes people who enjoy his brand of entertainment. Don’t count us among those people, though. We’d rather tell you about 15 Things We Absolutely Hate About Tim Allen.

15. He hasn’t explained to fans why Last Man Standing was really canceled

Tim Allen’s fan base, who ironically shouldn’t use power tools, can’t seem to wrap their arms around the idea that his dull show, Last Man Standing, was canceled not because of his political views but because the people whom the network want to watch the show simply weren’t. Believe it or not, it had nothing to do with his Republican Party affiliation… but why let a good right-wing conspiracy theory ruin reality? The truth is, it was never a big hit with anybody, and it was only a modest hit with old people and kids — neither of which are attractive advertising demographics. The 18-to-45 crowd didn’t watch (and don’t argue this… you may be 34 and watched, but large groups of people your age didn’t), and this is the crowd advertisers want. This means ABC couldn’t charge a lot of money for commercials. Last Man Standing isn’t owned by ABC, so they have to pay a per-episode fee to the producer, 20th Century Fox. It’s an expensive show. In the end, the math just didn’t work. It’s about the dollars, not whom Tim Allen votes for, but he won’t come out and say that. He lets the conspiracy theories abound and plays dumb himself.

14. Not proud of his name, because he’s a Dick

That’s right. Tim Allen is a real Dick. He was born June 13, 1953 in Denver, Colorado. He wasn’t born with only the name Tim Allen. That’s just his first and middle name. Nope, Mr. Unfunny was born with the hilarious name Timothy Allen Dick. We can only imagine the teasing he got in school and maybe him having to invent comebacks for kids laughing every time the teacher said his last name. He was planning on staying with Tim Dick when he entered the comedy world but thought people would think he made it up. Who cares? You think Rodney Dangerfield was born with that last name? Dangerfield is funnier than Cohen. At the beginning of Allen’s career, he made the decision to do the unfunny thing. That really set the stage for the rest of his career.

13. He was a drug trafficker

There was almost no Tim Allen to ever pollute our TV airwaves and movie screens. Long before he ever picked up a microphone and started grunting like an idiot, Tim Allen was a drug trafficker. On October 2, 1978, the comedian was arrested at an airport outside of Detroit for possession of over 650 grams of cocaine. That’s almost 1.5 pounds of Blow. That’s not a recreational amount. That’s an amount you sell. The next time you hear him blathering on about the need for strong laws in the country, just know that he got very lucky that drug laws weren’t strong back then because he could still be in prison. He ended up serving two years and four months in the Sandstone Federal Correctional Institution in Minnesota and was paroled June 12, 1981.

12. He ratted out his friends to save himself

Now that you know Tim Allen (Tim Dick at the time, and that last name fit for the decision he made) was a drug trafficker who served 28 months in prison, we should probably point out that he was released early from his three-to-seven-year sentence, and the only reason he got a sentence that light was because he gave prosecutors the names of the other drug dealers involved in the deal he was doing. They say “snitches get stitches,” so we wonder if he had to be put on the other side of the country for his own safety. Nobody in the prison he went to in Minnesota would have been laughing if they knew what he did to his fellow criminals back in Michigan. We’re guessing they never laughed at anything Tim did. We certainly never have.

11. He’s been convicted of drunk driving

There are some crimes that are just extra heinous because they put other people’s lives in danger. One of those is drunk driving. If you want to drink, go for it. If you want to be a drunk, go for it… just don’t bring the people around you down. There were approximately 10,265 drunk-driving fatalities in 2015, with nearly 14% involving children under the age of 14. Before he goes to bed every night, hopefully, Tim Allen says a prayer thanking God that he wasn’t among those numbers back in 2007, when he was arrested for driving under the influence with a blood alcohol content almost double the legal limit of 0.15%. He was sentenced to one year of probation for the crime. He was also ordered by the court to attend rehab as part of his punishment. You’d think a guy with that much to lose would have a driver when he’s hammered.

10. Those horrible Santa Clause movies

There were the original Star Wars trilogy, the Godfather films, and even the three Back to the Future movies. It’s possible to create three good movies involving the same characters and the same basic premise. It’s also possible to create three horrible movies with the same basic premise, and Tim Allen more than proved this when he gave us the Santa Clause trilogy. In 1994, our theaters were besmirched by the original, where Allen plays the ordinary “everyman” and really involves no acting. The character accidentally knocks Santa Claus off his roof, ends up at the North Pole, and it turns out, has to be the new Santa Claus. Hilarity and moments of touching family time ensue. But, in all three movies, there are always catches and contracts, hence the way “Clause” is spelled in the title. That witty wordplay was probably lost on Allen’s core audience. Each movie was just progressively worse until they pulled the plug mercifully after Part 3 in 2006. That gem only got 15% positive at RottenTomatoes.com.

9. He’s hypocritically religious

We have no problem with anybody believing in what they want as long they don’t impede upon the rights of others or show up at our door on Sunday morning when we’re trying to watch nature documentaries on BBC America. Tim Allen, though, during a slow part of his career, when he was just about to make a comeback with the utterly unwatchable Last Man Standing, came out as a man of God. We’re even OK with people finding God. Sure, we’ll let it slide that he was a drug trafficker, drunk driver, and got a divorce. Since he basically played himself on Last Man Standing and knew the show would be conservative family fun, he did an interview with ABC saying, “I just want a relationship with Whoever built me.” It’s convenient he decided that right before his second major series launched.

8. He thinks he’s important enough to appear on political programs

Nothing is more irritating than when entertainers feel like they should tell the rest of the world how to vote and whom to support politically. It’s irritating when a bleeding heart liberal does it, and it’s irritating when a conservative entertainer does it as well. Does anybody remember Clint Eastwood idiotically talking to a chair at the Republican National Convention? Would you vote for somebody because that’s who your dentist voted for? Would you not go to your favorite restaurant if the hostess said she was voting for someone whom you didn’t support? Hopefully, you’re normal enough to answer no on both counts. But there’s Tim Allen, showing up on Hannity or conservative radio, telling people he was supporting John Kasich in Republican primaries. What makes him think anybody is going to care whom Tim the Tool Man is voting for?

7. He has no range as an actor or comic

Tim Allen comes from a time where comics tended to stick to one kind of schtick. Jeff Foxworthy played to hicks, Andrew Dice Clay played to white trash, and Sam Kinison played to people with no taste. Actually… they had the same audience, now that we think about it. Tim Allen was really no different. His gimmick was grunting, unoriginally talking about duct tape, and talking about how men were basically pigs. It plays well to men who are pigs and are looking for permission to act that way and to the women who tolerate that behavior in their partners. Then comes Home Improvement. It was originally billed as “Based on the humor of Tim Allen.” He even played a guy named Tim. Last Man Standing is essentially the same show, except he has three girls instead of three boys, but it’s just Tim the Tool Man 25 years later. He plays a conservative guy with three daughters. In real life? He’s a conservative guy with three daughters. Not a real stretch of the acting muscles.

6. He’s perpetuating the belief his politics are being held against him

Here’s the thing about Hollywood that conservative people don’t seem to understand. It’s not about politics. It’s about money. Why do most people in Hollywood seem to be liberal? It’s because they’re artists, and artists are liberal. You’ll actually find that many of the people above the actor/writer/director level are conservatives because they’re the money people. If you went onto the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, you’d find that most people there are not liberal. Why would you expect them to be? But you don’t hear the random liberal stockbroker whining that everyone around them is out to get them because of their beliefs. Much like Hollywood, the NYSE is all about money. If Allen were the only conservative, that’d be one thing, but there are dozens… just Google it. When he shrugs and lets people think he’s a lone conservative on an island, well, that’s just not right. It’s about the money.

5. Neither of his shows were actually entertaining

We’re sorry if this hurts your feelings, but neither Home Improvement nor Last Man Standing was actually very good. They were written for simple people who stay home on Friday nights. Almost every episode of both shows was exactly the same. Tim’s character (Tim Taylor in HI, Mike Baxter in LMS) has some kind of communication gap with another character and thinks he’s right. He doubles down, somebody talks some sense into him, he sees things the other way, apologizes, and all is forgotten. Meanwhile, in the secondary story, one of his kids does something they shouldn’t, but Tim gives good advice and realizes it pertains to the main story. The secondary character is now a better person because of Tim’s advice. In the end, we’re reminded the most important thing in the world is family. Rinse, Wash, Repeat. There’s nothing entertaining about seeing the same thing over and over again, but Allen knows how to find the audience that will watch anything.

4. He compared his situation in Hollywood to being around Nazis

In the 1930s, Adolf Hitler essentially took over Germany. When you hear people say “Nazi Germany,” it’s the space of time between 1933 and 1945 when this madman not only wanted to take over the world but also wanted to rid it of all Jews, Romanians, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, mentally and physically disabled people, and others he deemed as misfits. During this time, Hitler’s regime killed 11 million innocent people. It’s hard to think of a bigger atrocity. And then there’s Tim Allen. On an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel’s show in January 2017, he talked about attending Donald Trump’s inauguration and the reaction he felt he got in Hollywood. “You gotta be real careful around here. You get beat up if you don’t believe what everybody believes. This is like ‘30s Germany. I don’t know what happened.” There’s hyperbole, and then there’s just being an idiot. No, Tim — your ability to make millions of dollars in Hollywood is nothing like Nazi Germany.

3. He defended his use of the N-word in his act

It probably shouldn’t have surprised anybody that Allen said feels like he’s living in Nazi Germany. It’s not even the most insensitive thing he’s said in the last five years. Back in 2013, he tried to defend his use of the N-word in his stand-up act. He was quoted in an interview with the Tampa Bay Times saying that as long as white people aren’t using it as a racial slur, they shouldn’t be afraid to say the actual word. He said that using the phrase “The N-Word” is more offensive. “If I have no intent, if I show no intent, if I’m clearly not a racist, then how can nig— be bad coming out of my mouth?” He also used his friendship with Martin Lawrence as a reason it’s OK to use the slur. Yes, folks — the guy who played Buzz Lightyear and entertained all of your kids doesn’t understand why he can’t use the slur that slave owners used to call their human property and not have people look at him sideways. It’s just kind of sad.

2. He defended Paula Deen for using the N-word

In the same interview where he claimed he should be allowed to freely use the N-word in his act because he’s not racist (a quote which deserves an award for hypocrisy), he defended Paula Deen, the silver-haired TV cooking personality who got into trouble around the time of the 2013 interview for admitting she used the word and was planning a plantation wedding that would have an all-black waitstaff. Tim Allen defended Deen, saying that her critics were being hypocritical, although his explanation was really cloudy. “So when Paula Deen (uses the word), they go after her, and now we’ve gone backwards in the world. She said (the N-word) in ’83 or something?” We don’t exactly see holding people accountable for their racist language as going backward. It’s actually the opposite of going backward.

1. He doesn’t ask alleged sexual predators to stop defending him

Bill O’Reilly made a ton of money for Fox News over the years, pretending to be the “voice of reason” for a large group of people who simply wanted to be told that the beliefs they had were the correct beliefs by somebody who reminded them again and again that he was “fair and balanced.” If you’re fair and balanced, you don’t have to keep reminding the choir that you’re preaching to, but that’s another issue. O’Reilly was forced off the air in the spring of 2017 when advertisers continued to pull their commercials as more and more evidence was stacking up against him that he had a long history of being an alleged sexual harasser and wife-beater. He did an interview with Glenn Beck shortly after his ouster and compared his situation to that of Last Man Standing being canceled. He said that it was just liberals exerting their power. If we were Tim Allen, we’d yell, “No, it’s nothing like that! We’re nothing like O’Reilly!” But Allen just lets the myth that LMS was canceled because of his politics perpetuate. It was about the money.

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