On the surface, you may think to yourself, “Why would anyone shove something down their pants?” Thinking beyond the obvious, the sexual reasons for things going down one’s pants, it can be clear that a wide variety of items can be put down anyone’s pants at any given time. I am pretty certain thousands of items have been stolen and shoved down an individual’s pants. However, only a few are awesome enough to make this list. And then we have the daily things that a man may do. Look, we all gotta “check” the goods every now and then. In fact, doctors tell us to check the twins down below to make sure we don’t have any tumors inside. So self-checks are a requirement and that is straight from the doctor’s mouth. But, yeah, we do kinda check ourselves a bit more than just a casual cancer sweep. We all can agree with that.
And then we have the daily things that a man may do. Look, we all gotta “check” the goods every now and then. In fact, doctors tell us to check the twins down below to make sure we don’t have any tumors inside. So self-checks are a requirement, and that’s straight from the doctor’s mouth. But, yeah, we do kinda check ourselves a bit more than for just a casual cancer sweep. We all can agree with that.
Now, men wear all kinds of pants and travel to all different types of places. Sometimes, things end up down your pants that you never expected. Sometimes you break the law and intentionally shove things down your pants. This has to do with people going to a place like Walmart and shoving a wide variety of things to run off with or the casual drug mules who stick everything and anything in very strange places. Really, when you think about it, there are a multitude of things that have ended up down a man’s pants. We’ll look at the sexual, the strange, and the just plain unexpected. Let’s take a gander at 15 Things Men Have Shoved Down Their Pants.
15. Live Hummingbirds
This one is just odd. It’s not often that a man has more than one pecker in his pants (yes…that joke was terrible). First off, the picture depicts the actual event and the smuggler himself. The man sat on a flight with these little guys inside his pants. The Dutch man wanted to bring in more than a dozen of these little birds with him. The hummingbirds were discovered to be sewn into his pants creatively when the Dutch man was nabbed at Rochambeau Airport in Cayenne, French Guiana. The birds were wrapped in cloth individually, each of them taped up to try and prevent them from escaping from the man’s pants. The authorities noticed the passenger acting strangely, and that led to the authorities searching the man. Hilariously, this wasn’t the first time the man had been arrested for attempting to smuggle small animals.
14. A Monkey
“Is that a monkey down your pants or are you just happy to see me?” Sure, it sounds kind of funny when you talk about it like that. And yes, there have been highly trained monkeys that have emerged out of a pair of pants’ hole in a variety or circus act that has brought quite a bit of amusement to audiences. That may be one reason why a man has had a monkey down his pants. But there are others. People who shoplift toss all kinds of things down their pants. So why not a monkey, you ask? The incident occurred in India when a man with an endangered monkey in his pants attempted to board a flight at New Delhi’s International Airport. The suspect was from the United Arab Emirates and customs officials found the seven-inch Loris monkey when they were frisking him. Obviously, the initial question, “Is that a monkey in your pants?” never had more truth to it than on this occasion.
Okay, fans of superstore Walmarts; here we go. Walmart is one of the largest stores that combine every element a person would need to shop for with many cheap items brought in from the Asian continent. Wondering where all those products made in China and Vietnam go? Well, the answer is Walmart. The solid prices also bring their fair share of “intriguing” clientele. As a regular at Walmart myself (gotta save those $$$), I can personally attest to the sometimes shady, and even highly questionable select group of shoppers who troll these shopping aisles. And meat is a big shoplifting item for many. Obviously, meat can be expensive, so shoving it down your pants by the dozens can really get you quite a good “sticky finger” deal. In one news story, a man was caught pulling out so much meat out of his pants. The Facebook video went viral to the tune of more than 65 million views. This offender pulled out a full rack of ribs amongst a ton of other packaged meats. Now, not to pick on just Walmart and their customer base, because this sort of thing happens everywhere. But much of the shoplifting occurs in stores with money-strapped customers. It may be sad that they’re struggling, but it’s also illegal.
Just a bit of snow to make your day a little happier. Cocaine made a massive splash in the 1980s and has since continued to be a popular drug amongst those with a lot of money. In addition to being a high-priced drug for the wealthy, cocaine has made many a drug dealer multi-millionaires, if not billionaires. So, it shouldn’t be too surprising that everyone goes to such great lengths to move this highly expensive and desired product from its South American origins into the rest of North America. In this instance, a man strapped himself with over $150,000 of cocaine and attempted to illegally transport it into the United States. Clearly, the man’s pants were too big for his britches. He was nabbed by customs agents and arrested for the extra load wrapped in his pants.
11. Bottle It Up
This is an awful story that has a very unhappy ending. When you try and think of why a man would stick a bottle down his pants, it can be quite interesting. That’s how this little story popped up here. The bottle holder above is both interesting and odd, but we’re going to focus on another, far more disturbing sequence of events. It began like any other night when a middle-aged man from Honduras decided it would be a good idea to turn a bottle into a sex toy. That’s right… a bottle into a sex toy. Brutal. And if you think that’s bad, imagine that he had his member stuck in this bottle for 4 days. That’s right. Initially, he couldn’t get the damn bottle off but had not choice but to put a pair of pants on. He was too embarrassed to go to the doctor, so he tried to hide his issue. The man dealt with the issue silently for 4 long days. At the end of the ordeal, he was in so much pain and had so many issues, his tiny member went numb and turned black — as in dead black. The man had to have his penis amputated. Crazy.
10. 51 Turtles
If this heading doesn’t make you turn your head to the side and wonder what the heck is going on, then you’re as crazy as this story. First off, turtles never belong down your pants. There should be no doubting that. In this story, we have a smuggler who thought it wise to stuff turtles down his pants. The Chinese native was going to Ontario, Canada when he was caught smuggling 51 turtles taped to his legs under his pants. He would buy the turtles in Michigan, USA and then head to Canada to ship them back to China. He would pay people to fly to China with large numbers of turtles in their luggage. The criminal was in the process of getting an engineering degree but instead received 5 years in federal prison. The crime was that he was shipping the turtles without a federal permit, and it was estimated that $1 million changed hands over an extended period of time.
9. His Own Hand
Yeah. Kinda obvious, I know. But you can’t leave this one off the list. A man may shove his hands down his pants for any number of reasons. First off, we have the “re-adjustment.” Look, sometimes things get cramped in there. Imagine moving your 3-bedroom apartment and trying to fit everything into a studio. Things get kinda cramped. If a guy puts on a tight pair of pants or shorts, that’s how their junk feels. So, we reach down and free up some space for the big guy and the twins. Aside from reaching into your pants to gain some space, we obviously know a secondary reason. Now, this one could be a bit awkward and sinister at the same time. At home, we probably don’t have pants on while pleasuring ourselves. However, it’s the creepers and peeping Toms who ogle women and reach right down their pants to pleasure themselves that’s a bigger cause for concern. It’s creepy and weird, but it happens. It even happened to an ESPN executive who got arrested and fired for doing it.
8. A Gun
Welcome to the old west! Or, if you live in Compton, California, you know all-too-well this is the ultimate (and required) accessory. Guns are a regular accessory in certain areas of the world. People carry these hand cannons with the express reason of protecting themselves. Much of the time, these individuals are most likely a part of a criminal empire whether it’s drug running, a gang, the mafia, etc. These various criminals need a gun handy at a moment’s notice. So a gun being slid into someone’s deep pants pocket, or under their belt, or even attached to a gun strap around your calf, is normal for someone possessing a gun. As for other people, sometimes, you just live in a crappy neighborhood where you want to protect yourself. Having a gun hidden in your pants is commonplace in certain parts of the world.
Ah, for those who can’t afford to get a gun or don’t want to illegally carry the weapon, a knife is easier to hide at times. If anyone has seen the movie, Desperado, you know the awesome dude with knives strapped to a belt under the lining of his pants. This knife holder would qualify as going under both the shirt and pants. The knife belt can be a really big help for those with high-level knife-throwing skills. Going beyond crazy Mexican killers in movies, people will often keep a switchblade in their pocket for safety. Additionally, people have had knives in holders strapped around their calf area, the same place where someone may conceal a gun. A knife is an effective weapon and one that can be used for protection, aggression, and more general uses like hunters and fishermen. There are practical reasons for knives being held under, or in, someone’s pants.
6. Fender Guitar
Well, this one is definitely an interesting story. Let’s jump right into the dude that decides he wants a $1700 guitar but can’t afford it. Fender Guitars are a special brand of guitars that have been owned and played by legends in the music industry. Now, not to get too technical here, but Fender has created a broad line of electric and acoustic guitar products from the Telecaster, Stratocaster, Jazzmaster, Jaguar, Mustang, and numerous other awesome lines of guitars. One man in Fort Worth, Texas entered a Fender Guitar center and stuffed the Fender down his pants and was able to exit the store unnoticed. However, the man did not realize he was captured on security cameras doing the bad deed. Amazingly, the man was able to sneak out, and security footage was released to the public to aid in catching the thief.
5. A Woman’s Touch
Yeah, now things are getting good. Ever see the movie Wedding Crashers? Let’s start there. We’ll set the mood. Vince Vaughn is sitting in the family dining room during a big family dinner when his main squeeze decides to reach down into his pants. She starts to give him a “massage” of sorts, but not the kind that loosens up muscles. This kind of massage is very “handy” and gets things pretty firm. From there, you can understand what’s going down. And the movie reflects incidents that occur from time-to-time with gamey couples who hope to have some carnal fun in public locales. The hand job is something that can occur quite easily and unnoticed in a restaurant booth when her hand carefully slides between his legs, unzips his pants, and slides beneath his boxers. With a tablecloth successfully guarding against anyone else seeing, this is one of the more common public occurrences when something like this could go down. The other is in the car. If he’s driving and she wants to have a little fun with him, (although unsafe) this has happened now and again as well.
Batons, also called truncheons, are weapons that are most associated with law enforcement. These weapons are used in lieu of guns and knives. The batons have evolved over time from a simple hard stick to a thinner wicked stick that expands out. The baton goes from a smaller, easy-to-hold stick to now, with the snap of the wrist, extending out into a dangerous whip-like stick. Batons have been outlawed in many states across the United States. There are numerous state laws that prohibit “clubs,” “Billys,” or “bludgeons” as weapons that are considered illegal. Expandable batons are most certainly illegal in a number of states where you’re not allowed to carry guns. In fact, in an episode of COPS, a college student got into a fight with a few other students, the alcoholic haze affecting them all during the incident. The college student pulled out an expandable baton and whacked one of the instigators in self-defense. The police arrived, and the only person arrested was the student who whipped out the baton. Apparently, it was illegal to carry and use, and he was locked up for it. So, the moral of the story: know your state laws, folks.
3. Head Games
Yeah, we’re back with the more obvious of sexual circumstances. What can end up in his pants? How about her head. Sure, at home, the pants come off during the carnal activity. But if anyone has seen the coming-of-age comedy, American Wedding, the third in the American Pie series, then you know you that a woman getting into a man’s pants during dinner is a big possibility. Additionally, when you’re driving a car, this is a prime time for some “Harry carry.” Late at night, after a good dinner and movie, there’s always that chance of something completely scandalous going on. Of course, this is more a dream for a guy than a girl, but this article is ALL about “his” pants. A surprise act of “road head” can be pretty exciting and adds a little spice to the relationship.
2. The Candiru Swim
Has anyone ever told you about the man who had a crazed fish swim up his penis? Well, in the Amazon, it’s a tale that’s all too real to the natives who live there. The lore of this fish potentially swimming up a man’s urethra is a story told again and again. Medically, no one has ever gone to a hospital with one of these little creatures swimming into a man’s privates, although no one goes joy-swimming in the Amazon River these days. However, there’s numerous supporting evidence out there from the tribes who used to wrap and tie off their “members” when they crossed the Amazon River, in part, to prevent these little creatures from swimming the WRONG WAY. Clearly, their legend has been passed on from generation to generation, and with good reason. If there’s even a minute chance of an angry thin little fish swimming into your junk, I’ll pass on the river crossing.
1. Chinese Eel Swims “Upstream”
Another little swimmer finds the hole. In this case, a strange Asian ritual is the focus of this story. A lot of people have dry and wrinkly skin. People age but don’t want to look too old. They want to look and feel young. So there are spas in which people purposely submerge their bodies into the waters and allow these tiny eels to pick at their skin. Much like leeches who feed off of bacteria-ridden flesh, these eels feast on dead skin. They pick away and clear up the old skin, helping people feel and look just a bit younger. However, the process turned terrible for one man and probably signaled an end to this treatment for many others. One of the eels found its way up the man’s penis. He was in excruciating pain, and for good reason. Doctors needed to remove the six-inch swimmer in a horrifying tale that has caused a lot more men to pause when thinking about engaging in that treatment. I’ll stick to the Swedish massage.
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