If you’ve ever seen Hulk Hogan on television, you already know that he’s a man who doesn’t like to mess around, especially when it comes to his daughter. He’s insanely protective, a problem that we’re sure applies to how he treats his wife, as well as his daughter. He’s the man of the house, and as the name of his reality-TV show will attest, Hogan knows best. While we may not agree with this sort of regressive attitude toward women and how they’re perceived by dominating “alpha” males, we do have to admit that it does add a whole new level of enjoyment when it comes to looking at pictures of the women in his life.
We‘re not saying we hate Hulk Hogan, but we dislike him enough that we delight in the concept that somewhere, he’s getting more and more irate at the knowledge that his wife and daughter are occasionally semi-naked on the internet. It suddenly makes these women more interesting to ogle online. It’s like you’re finally getting back at the protective father who made your life a hell when you were going out with your first girlfriend all those years ago.
So, in the interest of making Hulk Hogan as mad as possible while also bringing the level of joy in your life to a maximum, we decided to throw together fifteen sauciest images of the women from Hogan Knows Best. Trust us, Hulk definitely doesn’t want you looking at these.
15. Brooke Hogan Caught Short
Just as a little warning to every woman out there who dreams of having even the smallest amount of fame: this is pretty much all you can expect for the rest of your life. In fact, most men out there won’t even wait until you’re famous. They’ll just take a shot of you bending over and put it on the internet somewhere. Crazy to think that we actually pay people to sit in bushes and wait until a female celebrity bends over so that a gossip magazine can have a borderline sexual image plastered all over their pages. Remember when the concept of print media was all about journalism? There are still people out there who are fighting for it, but sadly they’re losing to the internet and to print “journalists” who seem to think that the best way to bring in money is paying people for shots like this.
14. Keep Those Hands Where We Can See Them, Hulk…
They may not be together anymore, but for a long time, these two seemed pretty inseparable, especially when you take a look at photographs like this, although we will say now that we hope those hands stay where we can see them. Unless Linda is an incredibly lucky woman, we know that those hands are far enough away for us to not have to worry about them, which means we can appreciate what it is that Linda has got going on. In fact, if you were with a woman with that sort of chest, frolicking in the water to just above your waist, we think you’d find it difficult to keep your hands off of each other. If anything, this image shows off just how much restraint Hulk Hogan has, seeing as he knows he’s probably being watched. Always got to be vigilant when you’re walking around with this much fame under your belt.
13. I SAID KEEP THEM WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!
No! This isn’t okay! We struggle to look at people this old kissing, nevermind what we think these two are doing underneath the water. We can’t even use Linda as a helping distraction because her assets are pressed up against the body of Hulk Hogan, something that we’d like to look at as little as possible. Seriously, the fact that Hogan has glasses on and Linda has somewhat of a knowing smile on her face tells us that we really don’t want to be thinking about what they’re doing under that water. You’d think that they’d be able to keep it in their pants until they got back to wherever they were staying unless Hogan actually has to stay under the water for a while until he’s allowed to emerge. We’re not going to start describing that any further, but we think you know exactly what we mean. Hope he’s not wearing a Speedo…
12. She Knows What Angle Works For Her
Like we said before, Linda knows exactly what people want to see and flaunts it as much as physically possible, especially when taking pictures of herself to put on the internet. There’s no reason to use this sort of angle unless you’re wearing something particularly revealing and you want to make sure that everyone who looks at this photograph gets a good shot of what you’ve put on show for them. That being said, we just want to know what sort of dog’s in the corner of this photograph, if we’re being honest. We know that may sound weird to some of you, but those of you out there who love dogs as much as we do will know that the pull of a dog is pretty much impossible to resist. Once you’ve seen one, you just want to be near it as soon as physically possible, even if that’s impossible.
11. Checking Out A Book While We Check Out Her Body
Honestly, the rest of the time that Linda Hogan is on this list, we’ll be focusing on two very specific aspects of her body, something that she seems to do herself quite a lot. But, in the meantime, we’re going to take a look at her pins because her legs are definitely stealing the show in this image. Honestly, we never understood why legs never really get a look in when people are talking about women’s bodies. Sure, they’re brought up here and there, but when they’re placed against the chest or the booty, most people feel like they’re not really worth that much. We can tell you now that a good set of pins on a woman can round off an already perfect body. We think Linda is pretty aware of this as well because she seems to be flaunting them in this particular picture. Maybe she knows someone is looking?
10. Braids Work For You, Linda
It’s that angle again, but this time, we like the fact that she’s done something different with her hair. Not only does it make her hair suggestively point to where she wants us all to be looking, but she’s also utilizing a form of hairstyle that we think a lot of people overlook. In a lot of ways, this hairstyle is seen as childlike, almost as if a woman choosing to do this with her hair is making a mistake or infantilizing herself for the sake of whoever’s looking. While we’re sure some women do this, we don’t think that every woman should feel like they have to follow the same rules when it comes to any hairstyle. You do whatever you want with your hair, ladies! Can we also point out that Linda Hogan is the oldest woman we’ve ever seen with a belly-button piercing still attached?
9. Wow! What A Candid Shot…
Of all the shots we’ve got of Linda Hogan, we reckon that this one is our number one favorite because it gives us a side of her that we clearly haven’t been able to see in the other shots. And now that we’ve seen it, we have no idea why she isn’t flaunting all the time in photographs of herself. Are you guys seeing what we’re seeing right now?! Not only is she showing us her chest, which seems to be her favorite thing to do; she also has a backside that we haven’t been able to see so far, one that’s well worth a look, if you ask us — especially if that’s your preference. Finally, she’s giving us another view of those pins. What we’re trying to say is, this image shows off everything that Linda Hogan has to offer, which is quite a lot.
8. This Woman Loves The Camera
We’re not going to pretend that we even really know anything about Linda Hogan, but one thing we can be pretty sure about is how much love she has for the camera, especially when that camera is pointed at her in a provocative position. The internet has bred an entire world of people who are almost encouraged to be as vain as possible, spending so much of their day looking at themselves, putting themselves into various positions, and snapshotting those positions for everyone else. We imagine that these are then put on the internet so that they can get the validation of other people. They’d probably argue otherwise, but if they were only taking the images for their own enjoyment, why would they put them on the internet where anyone can see them? It just doesn’t make any sense to us, so we’re willing to assume when it comes to this one.
7. Yeah, Don’t Worry, We’re Back To Brooke Now
We’re not saying that Linda Hogan has nothing offer; we’re just saying that we know most of you came here to see a lot of Brooke and a little bit of Linda, which we can’t blame you for. Not only is she younger — meaning she has a much more stereotypically pleasing face and figure — but you can also see by the way that she’s looking at the camera that she knows how to work a crowd. Anyone who can look at a camera and produce this sultry face knows exactly what she’s doing, teasing the audience with the possibility that she’s thinking about something pretty naughty. Obviously, this is all for show, and she’s probably thinking about how uncomfortable she is because she’s had to pose for “god knows how long” now in the hope that the photographer can grab an image that will have people clamoring to see more and thereby raise her profile.
6. We’re Sure Hulk Is Happy She’s Staying Fit…
Of all the images, we reckon that this is the one Hulk Hogan enjoys the most, as he’s clearly somebody who thinks a lot about exercise and looking after her body, something that Brooke is taking part in here. Sure, she’s probably got a little bit more on display than he would like, but at least she’s doing her body good while she has fun, not just going out dressed like this and shoving pizza or beer down her neck. We’re actually the type of people to engage in the latter a lot more than the former, and we have to say that we think we’re definitely a lot happier. Sure, we’re going to die earlier, but we’re not going to be miserable the entire time we’re alive. We feel like a short life is a small price to pay for a life filled with fun and joy. We’ll probably feel a lot different when we’re older, though…
5. Having A Little Moment To Herself…
We obviously can’t go into much more detail than we’re already implying, but we think you know exactly what this looks like, and we think that Brooke does, too. If we were letting our cynical side run away with us, we’d say that she knew somebody was watching with a camera and decided that if she was going to get papped anyway, she may as well ham it up a little bit. You can tell there’s definitely something saucy going on in that mind, or, like before, you can tell that this woman knows how to make it look like there’s something saucy going on in that mind. It’s a talent that we wish we had because when we look even remotely like we’re having a “good time,” we start to flinch our faces in a way that would probably turn off every single human being who happened to see it.
4. Thank God For Photoshoots Like This
This one is just straight up raunchy, and if we’re being honest, we have absolutely no problem with that whatsoever. This might sound a little bit mean, but people like Brooke Hogan are essentially getting by in life based on how they look, which isn’t to say that they have to do this because they’re stupid or lazy. But it’s the path they’ve taken, and we’re all fully aware of that. This means that she should be doing almost constant photo shoots like this, if you ask us. That being said, maybe the key to it all isn’t using up everything you’ve got in one burst. You’ve got to keep a little something back so that people are still interested in what you’ve got left to give. We do have to say, though, that Hogan is looking absolutely stunning in this image, and we cannot deny that. If we looked like this, we’d never wear clothes.
3. Channeling Miley Cyrus Right Here
We remember when Miley Cyrus famously twerked up against the sordid human being Robin Thicke that many people felt like Billy Ray Cyrus must’ve been fuming in the background, but we don’t really feel like this is a healthy human reaction to your strong daughter choosing to do whatever she wants in a public forum. Feeling like that about your daughter is really grim, almost as if you’re so protective that you wish you got to be with your daughter because then at least she’d be safe in this world. You can’t keep going on thinking about your offspring like this because it’s dangerous and nasty. This is why we hope that when Hulk Hogan sees this image, he doesn’t see his daughter being objectified; we hope that he sees a strong woman he helped raise to do exactly as she wants to in this world because that’s exactly what’s happening, if you ask us.
2. Is That A Tattoo?
So, we’re fairly sure that that weird collection of blue marks is actually attached to the bikini that Brooke is currently wearing, but the way that the water has pressed the blue dots to her skin makes it seem as if she has a terrible tattoo across her chest. We still can’t make up our mind as to whether it’s a tattoo or just a dangly bit of material because anyone who would get that star tattoo on their hip clearly has no concept of what a good tattoo is. We know we’ve talked about this before, but it needs to be repeated as much as possible until nobody in this world thinks it’s acceptable to get a star tattooed anywhere on their body. If you’re considering getting a star tattoo, don’t, because there’s nobody in this world who has and not lived to completely regret it once they got older.
1. What Does She Have In Her Hand?
As much as we’d like to enjoy this photograph of Brooke Hogan posing and looking at the camera seductively, we can’t help but be distracted by whatever it is that she’s holding in her hand. Seriously, can you tell what it is? It looks like a stone or some sort of shell, but why would she be holding that? If we didn’t know any better, we’d probably guess that the photographer decided it would be smart for her to roll around on the beach with a prop, something that she could focus on, hoping that this would make her feel less uncomfortable in this completely unnatural environment. Little did the photographer know that this would completely ruin the experience of the shot for everybody else. Couldn’t they have come up with a prop that actually made sense in the context of where she was while also being even vaguely sexy?
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