We know the songs, we know the audience. Whenever I hear the opening of one of these tunes I look around and say a little prayer, hoping no douchebags are around. Oh, the horror when these songs are played! These are the absolute worst songs loved by douchebags.
So many songs have been ruined by d-bags. Pretty much any song by The Black Eyed Peas or George Thorogood could make the list, but didn’t make it. That’s how strong this list is, even Thorogood doesn’t make it. Douchebags love to announce their music, especially if it’s a punk rock or indie band and is announced as “you probably have never heard this one” – major d-bag move. Other songs that just missed the mark are Pearl Jam’s “Evenflow,” a song that really hasn’t held up and is the epitome of an early radio hit that no longer represents the band.
Sure, I could have included “The Sickness” by Disturbed, but then you would have to hear another Tampa strip club story, it’s like I have a hundred of these stories, right? Anyway, other songs that missed were “Back Door Man” by The Doors and “Stairway To Heaven” by Led Zeppelin, both loved by douchebags, but also loved by non-douchebags so let’s just be cool with these tunes.
We’ve got lots of eighties, some weak-ass R&B, and too much New Jersey. I didn’t even bring Bruce Springsteen into the conversation – that’s too much New Jersey! Put in your ear plugs, here come 15 songs that only douchebags like.
15 Don't Stop Believing - Journey
There are two lives of this song. There was pre June 2007 (non douchebag song) and post June 2007 (douchebag song). What happened? The Sopranos finale happened and used this song to end the series. Immediately every douchebag within 100 miles of New Jersey adopted this song as part of their life story. News flash Jersey boy, this song isn’t about New Jersey!
The song comes on in a bar, restaurant, or place of work and everything stops. “Just a small town girl…” lyrics kick off and its douchebag time. Lots of fist pumping and bad singing ensues, sometimes ending in someone throwing a punch because that's what douchebags do. What a double-edged sword for Journey, right? Great to have one of their songs immortalized, but so bad that it has been ruined by these d-bags who think the Sopranos were relatable to their lives. It wasn’t and again, this song isn’t about New Jersey!
14 Sorry – Justin Bieber
Even in his young age, Justin Bieber has solidified a douchebag following and one of his latest hits, “Sorry” has somehow increased his value with d-bags. The start “You gotta go and get angry at all my honesty” is classic cocky Bieber. The chorus is what really touches the hearts of douchebags: “Yeah, is it too late now to say sorry? Cause I’m missing more than just your body.” That’s very strong song writing from king d-bag himself that resonates with his d-bag fans.
The whole song is about being a douchebag and wanting another chance, another chance to be a douchebag and ask again for forgiveness. It’s like the Justin Bieber circle of life. Enough with the tattoos, hoodies, and badass imagery, you are still Justin Bieber with a group of d-bag fans that wear the same hoodies and get the same tattoos. If you are sorry for anything it should be for making this song.
13 Crazy B*tch – Buckcherry
If there was ever a song made for a rodeo scene it might just be “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry. Once I was in a bar called Johnny Utah’s in New York City. This bar has a mechanical bull and when this song came on it seemed like the perfect backdrop for this establishment full of douchebags drinking Red Bull and Jägermeister. There was not one person not nodding their head along when this song started playing. I suspect all of them consider this song “their jam.” By the time the song was over, the line for the mechanical bull was out the door.
Buckcherry knows who their fans are and appear very comfortable making music for douchebags. Their setlist is pretty much all songs about drugs, alcohol, and sex. “Crazy Bitch” was a perfect storm that incorporated sex, revenge, and bitches, the exact recipe d-bags look for in their songs.
12 Living On A Prayer - Bon Jovi
Your name isn’t Tommy and you do not work on the docks. Your name is likely Anthony and you grew up in East Rutherford. It is also likely you are a douchebag if you sing this song every time it is played. There is nothing worse than having a DJ play this song at a bar who cuts the music during the “Woah Oh We’re Halfway There, Woah Oh Living On A Prayer!” chorus and having a room full of drunken douchebags screaming from the top of their lungs.
This song doesn’t just impact male d-bags, women still remember the video of Jon Bon Jovi and his tight stone washed jeans. Those jeans were ripped in just the right places and his hair was beautiful. The video was high on unintentional comedy and high on denim. If you watch the video closely you can see the eighties coming to an end…
11 Mony Mony - Billy Idol
This song has lasted for generations of douchebags. It’s as if d-bag parents handed this song down to their offspring. The song “Mony Mony,” originally by Tommy James and The Shondells, a rock band from America, was covered by Billy Idol and the rest is history. What’s unique about Idol’s version is the lyric injected into the song by the audience. Originally changed by a group of fans in the UK, the words “Get laid, get f*cked” has been a staple ever since.
In different parts of the world, the chant is different. Some areas throw in a “mother f*cker” while others stick with a more streamlined version. I’ve always liked Billy Idol, but this song attracts a horrible audience, an audience of douchebags that will go to a show just to wait for this song so they can chant their witty responses. This isn’t Rocky Horror Picture Show d-bags, get your trash out of here and go listen to Prince or someone worth your time.
10 Rockstar – Nickelback
The kings of douchebags, Nickelback, peaked with their song “Rockstar.” I first heard Nickelback in a bar. The song “How You Remind Me” was playing and some meathead douchebag was grinding on a girl to this tune. I was mortified as I watched this happen. I kept thinking to myself how she could let this happen to this song…then I heard “Rockstar.” Yeah, I know, the song is supposed to be ironic, but it comes off even more douchebaggy, it’s like they are making fun, but at the same time know this is what they are.
There is really only one way for douchebags to properly listen to this song. First you get yourself a six-pack of beer, something like Strohs or Hamms, real good stuff. Then walk into your back yard and pop off your shirt. Don’t worry about your neighbors, after three beers you will walk over shirtless and try to strike up a conversation. In the background Nickelback’s “Rockstar” will be playing…
9 Bawitdaba - Kid Rock
This wasn’t Kid Rock’s first song, but it was his first hit and it was essentially a call to douchebags. Per the lyrics, this song is for “the topless dancers” as well as his “heroes in the methadone clinic.” Come with me white trash, your messiah has arrived! Kid Rock has always had everything a d-bag embraces. First, there’s the rap rock, then there’s the cockiness. The song “Cowboy” followed up with a d-bag loving video, but it was “Bawitdaba” that really kick-started the Kid Rock douchebag movement.
Even though Kid Rock has moved on to country and classic rock music, this is still a staple in his show and still a d-bag fan favorite. Whenever I pass a methadone clinic, or what I suspect is a methadone clinic, I always wonder if they know they are Kid Rock’s heroes. Sadly they probably don’t, but I’m sure strip clubs know Rock is a fan…
8 Girls, Girls, Girls - Motley Crue
Motley Crue’s ode to strip clubs, “Girls, Girls, Girls” is a hit loved by douchebag fans and strippers across the globe. The song is also a good test – if you have been to three of the strip clubs named in the song, you might be a douchebag. D-bags that love this song believe they can get as much ass as a famous rock band. They can’t.
The video didn’t help, with a lot of skin and cheesy scenes (the switch blade in the strip club move), it was something douchebags couldn’t necessarily relate to, but worse, aspire to.
Motley has a lot of songs that douchebags love, but “Girls, Girls, Girls” takes the cake because it’s not even a really good song. This was released during the height of Nikki Sixx’s heroin days, a time when the work was, shall we say, not as strong as earlier and later albums.
7 Feel Like Making Love – Bad Company
This song crosses douchebag generations. You will find forty-something d-bags and twenty-something d-bags celebrating this song. You may be asking how do douchebags properly celebrate this song. They celebrate with lots of hip thrusting and uncomfortable eye contact with the opposite sex. The fact that this song is a classic rock staple does not make avoiding it easy, it’s pretty much impossible.
When this song is played in a bar, it ends up looking like a twisted serenading scene, the opposite of what we know from Top Gun. The song in itself is not bad, and it’s catchy, you can hear why it’s popular. Unfortunately douchebags have taken this song to the next level. It gets worse. What’s worse than a horrific bar serenade of this song? One word: karaoke. Imagine being in a karaoke bar and some douchebag gets up front and belts this one out…so uncomfortable on so many levels.
6 Used To Love Her – Guns N’ Roses
The song “Used To Love Her” was sort of a joke song put on the Lies, Lies, Lies album, a controversial album that included the racist “One In A Million” song as well as a B-side of fake live songs. The song at the time was fine and anytime Slash is on guitar, it’s usually a decent song; however, douchebags weren’t in on the joke. The d-bags still consider “Used To Love Her” as one of the greatest Guns N’ Roses songs of all time.
You will know who they are when you go to a concert and here them chanting “play Used To Love Her” even though the setlist for a Guns N’ Roses show is pretty much set. They rarely play this song today and when they don’t, the rather large population of Guns N’ Roses douchebags leave disappointed. My theory is that most of these d-bags actually fantasize about murdering their significant other, because, well, their significant other thinks they are a douchebag.
5 Enter Sandman – Metallica
Douchebags hail “Enter Sandman” as the greatest Metallica song of all time. True Metallica fans know this isn’t even in the top 20 and some point to this song as the demise of the band, which probably has something to do with the mainstream d-bag following this song brought them. Most fans debate which of the first four albums were the best, with the Black album not part of the conversation unless you are talking radio play. Douchebags love songs that play a lot on the radio, it validates them.
The fans that hail “Enter Sandman” are also the first to throw a punch, regardless of whether it's deserved (usually isn’t). D-bags rarely lack confidence and usually ask questions later when they are in jail being asked questions by a police officer. Their misguided choice of violence compares to their misguided choice in songs and “Enter Sandman” definitely fits that bill.
4 Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – AC/DC
Fact: You are not a badass just because you know the lyrics to “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” by AC/DC. Fact: You are a douchebag if you place this song as one of your favorites. D-bags love this song because it makes them feel tough and underground. The reality is typically that these douchebags are suburban white trash that still live with their parents.
There is something about AC/DC that resonates with this group. Maybe it’s the blue collar blues rock they aspire to relate to (can’t, because you know, they're white suburban trash that live with their parents) or maybe it’s the shorts Angus Young wears (probably a little bit of both). Sure, there are other songs from the AC/DC catalog that deserve mention including “T.N.T.,”“If You Want Blood (You Got It),” and “Rock and Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution,” but I’m sticking with “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” as the prime representation for this band and the douchebags that love them.
3 Yeah! – Usher
Usher gave us Bieber so you know there is no punishment great enough. He also gave us the terrible song “Yeah!” which appears to have been created with the purpose of getting douchebags on the dance floor. The song features Ludacris and Lil Jon, a couple of other artists that douchebags love to follow.
Listen to the song, there is nothing to it. There’s just a bunch of people yelling “yeah” and talking about a club and everyone thinking they are cool. It’s the quintessential douchebag song, this is what they love. Had they paused the song in the middle and just said "now take 30 seconds to pump your fists," it would have been the most loved song by douchebags of all time. The song was number one for twelve weeks and won Usher a Grammy Award so I’m not saying it wasn’t a hit, I’m saying it’s a song for douchebags and apparently that is a very large audience.
2 Nookie – Limp Bizkit
The song title was initially just a working title from a word the band saw on the cover of an adult magazine in their studio. At some point they decided this would be the song title and the lead single douchebags would instantly fall in love with. The song is about Fred Durst’s ex-girlfriend who apparently cheated a lot, but he never left her because he wanted the “nookie.” To me, the most surprising part of this song isn’t that they pulled the name from an adult magazine, but that they didn’t pull ALL of their song titles from adult magazines. I mean, c’mon, it’s Limp Bizkit, I assumed the name of the band was from an adult magazine.
Apparently band members didn’t particularly like this song, calling the lyrics cheesy and felt other songs should have been promoted prior to “Nookie.” D-bags of course disagree and this song brought the band great fame amongst their douchebag following.
1 Freebird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Freebird” used to be a great classic rock staple. A little long, sure, but we let that go. At some point during the eighties, this changed and “Free Bird” became an anthem for douchebags. Now whenever a cover band that plays classic rock hits the stage, they have to hear these d-bags yell out “play Freebird” throughout the night. When the song is in earshot, expect a lot of “free” type dancing and head nodding because you know, this song is about them. Fact: Every douchebag believes they are a free bird. Fact: They are copies of copies of other douchebags, nothing unique or free.
“Freebird” isn’t the only song to attract the stink of douchebags; “Hotel California” by the Eagles is another example of a song adopted and then ruined by d-bags. At some point each and every classic rock staple is going to be taken over by douchebags. At that point the world will be turned upside down and we will elect a President that... too late.