Welcome to the Shore universe, a magical hungover-land where you can salute your cookie with your morning wood in the hot tub. Where eight moderately attractive young things live in a house, shunning precautions like sunscreen and protection. If they’re outside, they are on a beach. If they’re inside, they are likely to be between the sheets. The dress code goes something like this: For the guys, tattoos, flip flops and wife-beaters. Tee-shirts for evening wear. For the cookies the wardrobe is simple: Bikinis, hot pants (Daisy Dukes if it’s formal), more bikinis and dresses so short you shouldn’t sit down in them, but still do. Shore babes love big hair, sometimes with that hair bump, expensive bling and (of course) they tend to yell at one another a lot. Guys behave like guys and smirk at what the babes get up to.
It’s always sunny in Shore-land. And everyone is just about always either hungover or getting drunk. You might ask the question: How did the world survive so long without the blessed Shore-land? When Jersey Shore hit American TV screens in 2009, it was like an orgasmic revelation, where cast members usually had to be at least 18-years-old for a very good reason. Alas, JS left us in 2012, but MTV has worked hard to take the Shore experience out to a world too long deprived of 24/7 house parties, where musical beds is the norm and the best cure for a hangover is putting on your bikini or wife-beater and getting drunk again. And let’s not forget the rip-off, knock-off versions that have sprung up all over the world. Here are 15 of the hottest, trashy classy Shore babes you will ever encounter.
15. Holly Hagan – Geordie Shore (UK)
Holly is known for her bedroom noises and her part in the so-called “Buck Squad”. She’s a trashy, classy cookie supreme, the kind of girl who takes selfies in bed wearing only a crazy-expensive Swarovski crystal bow bikini. See? Trashy but expensive. She used to work in a call center before getting the nod at 18 (when she was legal) for England’s hugely popular Geordie Shore.
“Geordie” equals gritty Newcastle, Tyneside. And don’t even try to understand the accent. Get subtitles. You will not be surprised to hear that our Holly is a glamour model. There is bad news though. She sometimes talks of reduction surgery to get her massive 32DD assets toned down a bit. We vote no. On any list of the top ten GS “buck” scenes she is right up there, racking up one eye-watering encounter after another. Our favorite was the time in the bathroom.
14. Lauren Pope – The Only Way Is Essex (UK)
TOWIE: Take the Real Housewives of New Jersey, add a smattering of Jersey Shore and a pinch of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and you get the idea of this English reality show set in leafy affluent Jersey-like Essex, where Cockney meets bling and girls with big hair rule. And there’s a Royal connection. Seems Lauren Pope met a flirty pre-Meghan-Markle-Prince Harry in a bar and they spent some time flirting or whatever. Then the tabloids got hold of the story and Harry’s camp assumed Lauren had sold out for money and 15 more of fame. They cut her off cold. Wait, she wails. Not so. I was hacked. I was robbed. She took legal advice, for what? Loss of a chance to be a princess? Anyway, her gullible friends seem to think that had the tabloids not messed it all up, she might have been in with a chance. Snooki stood a better chance than our Lauren. Besides, her tendency to throw drinks and push cheating boyfriends into swimming pools wouldn’t go down well in Harry’s circle. And the accent? More Cockney than posh.
13. Snooki – Jersey Shore (US)
Oh, Snooki. Look at you. You are the Shore cookie who wants to be a mumsy (girlfriend). You are 4 feet 11 inches and give a new meaning to letting it all hang out. Forget the tattoos, give me a belly-ring. Our Snooki is the quintessential Shore babe, a role model that girls in Jersey (and everywhere) can emulate. Even the hair bump says trashy classy. We remember your foot fetish and you describing your private parts as “cuca”. As in, “I just didn’t want my cuca to come out”. What about that time you thought you had broken your v*gina bone? And the day you were at the beach but couldn’t find it. And those back flips at the club. And you warmed our hearts when the show ended and you ended up in the WWE universe and on Dancing with the Stars.
12. Mane – Acapulco Shore (Mexico)
The get up was for Manelyck, aka Mane’s, “Rico” music video. Worth a watch on YouTube, just for the visuals. She’s an aspiring singer who is all loved up on Mexico’s Acapulco Shore. The US had Brangelina (sigh). And Mexico has “Mawy”, or Mane and Jawy. Is that Mexican for “Joey”? They both star in the show, in and out of bed and in and out of clothes. You can certainly see why she has two million followers on Instagram. The dominatrix thing is… interesting and (we are happy to say) runs through a lot of her music videos. The show may be (a tiny bit) tamer than Jersey Shore, but the Mexican beaches and night life are to die for. Like legendary.
Mane and Jawy have both been with the show from season one. Curious? The show airs on MTV’s bilingual channel Tr3s. Let’s get back to that Instagram account and the dominatrix snaps. By the way, neither guy in the Instagram picture is Jawy.
11. Nikee Sawyer – The Shire (Australia)
Jersey Shore moves to beachfront Australia, where the Tasmanian Sea meets the Pacific Ocean. The first episode was so “edgy” and “offensive” that Shire‘s mayor vowed to do anything she could to stop the filming. Thanks for the publicity, the producer said. Nikee was a waitress/pole dancer and one of our two favorite female characters. The other was Megan, a stripper. Alas, the Jersey Shore rip-off was short-lived, despite all its s*x, bust-ups and bad language, a case of “It Was So Bad It Was Good TV”, a place where girls race to see who can inject the most facial filler. It seems Nikee harbored an ambition to go into adult entertainment. Since the demise of the show, she has pursued a modeling career, which seemed to involve taking most of her clothes off, and has ended up being involved in one or two minor scandals. Seems she had her 15 and then dropped out of sight. Pity.
10. Charlotte Crosby – Geordie Shores (UK)
On one particular episode of MTV’s Geordie Shores, Charlotte famously said, “I’m so excited for tonight. We’ll be getting c**k left, right and center.” Viewing numbers went through the roof. Charlotte is also noted for her fits and fights, mostly with the other girls on the show. And nice she isn’t. Of one guy’s lovemaking, she said it took him around three minutes to finish, about the same amount of time as to make dippy eggs. All in all, she said, she preferred the dippy eggs. Believe it or not, he came back for more. And so do viewers. The show’s formula of filming both in Newcastle and exotic beach locations all over the world has kept viewers coming back for more since 2011. Like The Shire, the cast and crew sometime p*ss off the locals, whether in Newcastle, Spain and Australia. Do they care? In a word, no.
9. Jessica Wright – The Only Way Is Essex (UK)
You’ve got to admire the girl. She put out her own lingerie with the slogan “Big B**bs Are Beautiful”. She was in TOWIE for a number of years and kicked off enough yelling matches and cat fights to probably set some kind of a world record. Like when she broke up with Ricky. Talk about b*tchy and nasty. The thing with TOWIE is that it has this rich, classy, trashy vibe that the English associate with Essex and is probably as close to New Jersey Italian “housewives” as you can get in England. Jessica has tried to launch a singing career. She looks great in those YouTube videos. But we recommend you watch them with the sound turned down. Not nice, but good advice nonetheless.=
8. Samantha Giancola – Jersey Shore (US)
Sammi was the “Sweetheart” of the piece and sometimes in love with Ronnie. But it was very on and off, and off and on. Hey, the others picked on Sweetheart a lot, but she got by. By the time the final season filmed in 2012, she was getting around $80,000 an episode. Seaside Heights, New Jersey has still to recover from the rolling party that was Jersey Shore. It goes without saying, it was MTV’s highest-rated series ever. And what about her on again, off again thing with Ronnie? Still on and off. Off and on. And after all that hair gel, suntan lotion, little to no clothing, fist pumping and totally dysfunctional Italian families, Sammi has her own clothing and perfume lines, thank you very much. And, she’s still a sweetheart. And by the way, at last report, she is single and ready to mingle.
7. Ania – Warsaw Shore (Poland)
We are in Warsaw. WTF? Well, Jersey Shore it ain’t. First of all, the beaches are on the Vistula River and urban. National Geographic has named Warsaw’s beaches as some of the best urban beaches in the world and of late a big night-life boost has come from the beach side clubs and bars. But still, it’s not Acapulco. But, the show manages pretty well, largely due to the fact that hot cookie count is so high and the nightlife figures prominently. One of our all-time favorite Warsaw Shore scenes is when Ania and a hunk called Alan are in bed (don’t fuss, she’s got her bikini on) and he is pouring Vodka (what else?) into her navel and licking it out. You can tell it’s Eastern Europe, because in 2016 they did a kind of geeky homage to Baywatch, complete with those red suits and babes bouncing down a beach. It’s called Warsaw Shores Summer Camp.
6. Cristina “The Cat” Lopez – Gandia Shore (Spain)
She’s the one in the back, in red next to a guy who is trying hard to make a speedo look sexy instead of gross. The show’s premiere in 2012 beat MTV Spain’s all-time rating record and was a huge hit. You can see at a glance that Warsaw Shores seems sedate compared to Gandia Shore’s kinky, wacky in-your-face vibe. What’s with the guy in the frilly undies? We don’t want to know. In some ways, it is the same old same old: Eight 20-somethings in a house on a beach. There’s one b*tch, one or two drunks, one daddy’s girl and a nympho. But this one is set in Southern Spain, on a Mediterranean beach in Gandia, where the night life (typical of Spain) does not even begin until midnight. Cristina “de Gata” (literally) meows a lot. And joy of joys, she is the token s*x addict, who sleeps with anyone and everyone. Pity her poor boyfriend. The whole show is very Euro-Trashy and fun, fun, fun. Good for a laugh, even when they are serious.
5. Karime – Acapulco Shore (Mexico)
The Acapulco nightlife is a big part of the show. Think about it: What you get is a huge beach resort with loads of clubs and bars teeming with people. The kind of place you can buy whatever you want. And in comes Karime, a party girl extraordinaire, a kind of wild child who is into excess. And fiery to boot. She is the star of the party-hard side of things. She’s a good time girl who is up for just about anything. And trust us, the bust-ups on the show are something to watch. Like nuclear explosions, with Karime pushing and shoving and giving good as she gets. And we are grateful that the Mexican guys are not trying to rock speedos.
4. Marnie Simpson – Geordie Shore (UK)
Normally brown haired, Marnie was, said The Mirror, channeling her inner Jessica Rabbit. This was after she fell for The Only Way Is Essex’s Lewis Bloor, when they both did Celebrity Big Brother together. Apparently, he took to talking dirty to her and she took to posting nude selfies from his bed. Just in case we missed the totally obvious. On the show, Marnie is the totally outspoken, tell-it-like-it-is person. Some say a loud mouth. But never mind. And true to her reputation for bluntness, she’s recently announced that she has been paid to dish the dirt on her fellow cast members in a soon-to-be-published autobiography. Seems a bit early for the story of her life, but hey, if there’s money in it. And fans in England just can’t wait to read it. You know how these things go. The more dirt, the better. Watch you back on set, Marnie.
3. Malwina – Warsaw Shore (Poland)
One of our favorite scenes in Warsaw Shores is Malwina in a hot tub with several guys. They may be in the middle of Warsaw, but a candlelit hot tub in a secluded spot looks the same, no matter where you are. Let’s just say they are all having a good time. Big Time. Malwina, dark, beautiful and built like a sh*t brick house is a guy’s kind of girl and does a lot of naughty things. She’s the wild child, sleep-with-anyone kind of girl. And she does a great line of skin tight leather for those all-important night time beach clubbing gigs. She’s always smiling, as long as she gets her way. By the way, the uncensored versions of the Warsaw Shore episodes are available on the MTV Play app.
2. Megan – The Shire (Australia)
You may or may not remember, but Megan is a stripper. If you were going to produce a picture of somebody who looked like a believable stripper, we think Megan’s picture fits the bill, totally. The show’s producers touted the fact that the show had no actors and no scripts. Right, said the critics: That means no talent and no ability to read. And some of the female leads got a lot of flack for not only having no talent, but also for being, well, almost ugly. At least Megan (who also had no talent) was easy on the eye. Her “acting” was not all that great either, but at least there is some “merit” in watching somebody strip. It’s going to have a beginning, a middle and (hopefully) a bare end. And, for a stripper, she was a “nice” girl.
1. JWoww – Jersey Shore (US)
Snooki and JWoww. JWoww and Snooki. A marriage so made in heaven they went on to make Snooki and JWoww, that ran for two years on MTV. JWoww was the Italian princess type. Her line of trashy classy attire was unrivaled by even Snooki. A few Jenni “JWoww” Farley quotes: “The guys look really good from afar, but once they come up to our table, they are jack-hideous”. Or, take “It reminds me of the aquarium, the moment you tap the glass and make ’em come to you, it freaks you out.” And she was on the cover of Inked to reveal her brand new tiger tattoo. It may be us, but where is its head headed?
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