I am sure your girlfriend is very nice. You guys probably get along really well, maybe you two are planning on spending your life together. Maybe you are even planning on getting married. That really is fabulous. In fact, I totally applaud that. Good on ya.
Just one thing though, before you get married. Have you ever thought about having a robot girlfriend? I know, I know, the whole thing sounds rather creepy, but the technology is coming. If you don’t believe me listen to a quote from this article: “China has unveiled its first interactive robot – which can chat away to humans and even take orders from iCloud. The incredibly life-like robot has taken three years to build and was proudly showed off recently. When the researcher says ‘hello’ to the robot, she replies: ‘Yes, my lord, what can I do for you.'”
All right, so two things are readily apparent from the above article. First is that having a robot girlfriend obviously has some positives. Second is that whoever that researcher is who programs a robot to say “Yes my lord” almost certainly does not have a girlfriend in real life.
No matter how you look at it, the subject is intriguing. So I decided to take a look at the absolutely, undeniable positives about what would be better if you had a robot girlfriend over your real one. Because hey, real chicks are cool, but they have minds of their own, and who needs that?
15. Robots Come With Manuals
Let’s get this one right out of the way, shall we? Some of us guys just simply do not understand the female gender. Women confuse guys like this because they simply can’t figure out how they work, and what they are supposed to do to keep them happy. Well, your robot girlfriend comes with a manual. If you can’t figure something out about her you just look it up, or if that doesn’t help just call a support line. These things don’t exist with your real girlfriend; if she is totally angry about something, or sulking around the house, it isn’t like you just can figure out how to change things to make her work correctly again. You just have to deal with it, and as we all know, dealing with women can be totally awful. So…robots.
14. They Don’t Hog The Bed
While at the beginning of a relationship sharing a bed can be fun, as time goes on it becomes a little bit of a drag. I live in Maine, so my girlfriend is fine to sleep with in the winter for warmth, but for the rest of the year, who needs it? This will no longer be a problem with your new robot girlfriend. Of course you can choose to let her sleep with you if you wish, but if not you can just put her in a closet for the night, leave her on the couch, or even just have her stand in the corner. Now before everyone says that I am so awful for saying that, she is a ROBOT! I can tell some of you are missing the point already. A robot girlfriend is for the dude that likes things low key and low stress, and sleeping alone is part of that.
13. They Act The Same Every Day Of The Month
Right, so this sounds awful I know. But let’s face it, hanging with your real girlfriend is like walking across a beautiful field of wild flowers for most days of the month, and then all of sudden that field of daisies turns into a minefield. For a period of time every month, every little thing that you do is fraught with danger. One false step and it is all over, and you never even knew it was coming. One false step and BOOM! But not with your robot girlfriend. She has none of those issues. In fact every single day is exactly the same! And isn’t that what we all want out of a girlfriend; someone that is consistently loving and doesn’t turn into a werewolf four days a month?
12. Robots Don’t Have In-Laws
There is one thing about your robot girlfriend that is really important, but that you probably never thought of until now. Your robot girlfriend does not have any in laws. That is right, none. You don’t have to put up with her domineering and judging father, her alcoholic mother, or that brother of hers that you have to pretend to like, but that really just drives you insane. You don’t have to go to Thanksgiving and meet a bunch of people you never met, you don’t have to have a wedding, you don’t have to…well I think you get the point by now. With your robot girlfriend the whole scene is all about you, and as awful as that sounds, that is why a lot of guys have a girlfriend, not so they can have a new family.
11. When You Want A New Robot, The Old One Doesn’t Take Half Your Assets
Let’s face it, a lot of times things don’t work out in a relationship. What once seemed like love turns into something that is hatred, or even worse, apathy. When that happens people usually break up or get divorced, and then you have to split up everything that the two of you have accumulated over the course of your relationship. Not so with your robot girlfriend! When things get stale with her, you just get a new one. Sure you might think your old robot girlfriend looks a little sad when you throw her away, but is she really? Nope, she is just a robot. You can move on from her with impunity without worrying about the damage you have caused (or your wallet, for that matter) and hey, how sweet does that sound?
10. A Robot Never Wants To Get Counseling
At some point along the way things in a relationship usually go south. Maybe you had an affair, maybe you two just are not getting along, maybe you stole all of your girlfriend’s savings and took off for Vegas for two months and spent it all on prostitutes. Who knows? But when these things happen quite often your human girlfriend is going to want to get counseling. Not so with your robot girlfriend. You can be the biggest mess in the world, and she is never going to want you to change or have her relationship with you change. Okay, I guess when I put it that way, it sounds kind of depressing, but you get the point; having a robot girlfriend means you will never have to spend money to find out what is wrong with you. And how great is that?
9. Robots Don’t Have Cats
Many of us have been here before. You meet a woman that you think is great, you go out for a date or two and finally you bring her home, and it’s magic. It works out so well that the next time you two go out that she brings you back to her place, and then it happens. You walk through the door and are assaulted by the smell of five cats. While you are trying to make out with her one of them keeps meowing and trying to jump in your lap. Someone who seemed like the perfect woman has all of a sudden turned into a crazy cat lady with a bunch of fur babies. With your new robot girlfriend you don’t have to worry about that anymore. You also don’t have to worry about the only thing worse than cats, which is kids, of course.
8. A Robot Doesn’t Want To Split Your Pizza
We have all been here before. You are chilling out and watching the game when you want to order up a pizza. Your girlfriend is home of course; isn’t she always? Anyway, so you want to get a large pepperoni and prosciutto, but you know she is going to give you a hard time so you get a medium thinking she is only going to want one piece. You know what happens next. She wants two. This obviously ruins your entire day, and possibly even your entire relationship. Why can’t she just leave your pizza alone? Seriously. Well hey, guess what? Your robot girlfriend doesn’t eat at all. So from now on when you leave those Oreos in the cabinet you know that when you come back to them the next day they will all still be there.
7. A Robot Never Cares What You Want To Watch on TV
Let’s break down a typical scenario. You are getting all settled in to check out the Celtics play the Bulls after a hard day at the logging camp, or the insurance company, or writing lists, or whatever it is that you do, when all of a sudden your girlfriend comes in the room and sighs. You already know it’s coming but then she says it. Tonight is the night that a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon is on and could she please, please watch. So it’s obviously impossible to explain how terrible this is. First of all, yeah it is still November, but come on, every game counts! Second you have already been forced to watch every episode of Buffy like three times now. It is getting to the point that you don’t even think Cordelia is hot anymore. With your robot girlfriend, none of this will be an issue. Watch the game!
6. A Robot Would Have A Mute Button
I know this sounds rough and maybe it is, but let’s be honest, how cool would this be? You are sitting there at dinner trying to enjoy your meal when all of a sudden your real girlfriend launches into a story about how hard her day was, and how Kim in accounting is so mean to her, and she thinks that she is having an affair with the boss and on and on. This would not be so bad except for the fact that this is the same story you have heard at dinner 90% of the time for the past five years. How cool would a mute button be? Your robot girlfriend would have one, so if you did decide to have your robot girlfriend get a job, you still would not have to worry about stories such as these.
5. You Could Shut A Robot Off
So sometimes you just want to be alone, but you don’t want to be alone all the time. This has always been the problem for your average dude, from today to back when there were cavemen. How could this problem be solved? How could you possibly have all the awesome stuff a woman offers while at the same time having your alone time whenever you wanted it? Well, that is a simple one, my friends- all you need is an off switch. While this might be a bit of a problem when it comes to your real life girlfriend; when it comes to your robot girlfriend it is no problem at all. Enjoy your companionship for as long as you want, whether that be for days, weeks, or months, and just shut her off when you need your quiet time.
4. A Robot Doesn’t Care How Late You Stay Out
This has always been a problem for a lot of guys. You meet your girlfriend at a bar or a party, and the two of you have a blast together. Then for months you two party together a lot and have a good time. Then you move in together and it all changes… Now all of a sudden you want to go out and party, and all she wants to do is stay home. Worse yet, when you do go out and party she is texting you all night wondering when you are going to come home. Who needs this? None of this would be a problem with your robot girlfriend. Remember that awesome off switch? Just hit that baby on the way out and stay out as long as you want. Just remember to take a cab or Uber back home.
3. A Robot Never Tells You That It Is Time To Do Stuff
When it is the weekend, it is time to chillax and kick back; you’ve worked hard all week long, and you need some “you time.” But your real girlfriend does not understand that. First, it is time to go get brunch, then run a few errands, maybe do a little shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond, and then the lawn needs to be mowed. It just goes on and on. All you want to do is sleep in and relax. With your new robot girlfriend none of this will be a problem- you can just chill out for as long as you want to. In fact, instead of being nagged to go do chores and mow the lawn, you can have her out there pushing the lawnmower. Doesn’t this just sound better and better all the time? I know it does to me.
2. They Are Always In The Mood
Well, I know a lot of us don’t like to go here, but it needs to be said. Some guys want a robot girlfriend for this reason. Check out this article that says: “There is the first school of thought, which is loosely defined as people who think that having sex with a robot is very bad, and only incredibly awful people would think of such a thing. Then there is the other school of thought that mostly consists of males who get super excited about having a robot that looks like a woman kicking around their pad that they can have sex with whenever they want.”
1. You Can Program Them
So you have a new girlfriend and it all went really well. Then Trump won the election and everything went south. Why? Well it seems that you voted for him and that she thinks he is the devil. Now she won’t return your texts. This will not be a problem with your robot girlfriend. All you have to do is program her to be a huge fan of the Donald and the whole thing is smooth sailing from now on. I know that seems kind of awful, but hey, this is an article about replacing women with robots, how is it supposed to seem? One thing is for sure, sooner or later there will be the technology to do this, but what precisely will be done with it we will all have to wait and see.
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