Respect in the rap game is a big deal, but to their douchebag followers, it appears not so much. How could anyone with any self-respect love these rappers? Many of these hip hop giants breed hate, foolishness or are just plain awful. Oh wait, I think I just answered my own question.
It’s not so much the artists as it is the douchebag fans and what they see in themselves. “Hey man, I love Drake; I’m just like him, started at the bottom too!” Wrong, you are nothing like Drake; you started and continue to stay on the bottom. You are just a douchebag. A few that just missed the list include Young MC and his “Bust a Move,” 15 minutes that resonated with D-bags for a much longer time. Also, both Geto Boys and N.W.A. are not on this list. We probably need a separate list just to break out the members of these groups. N.W.A. was originally N.W.A. and The Posse which pretty much means N.W.A. and The Douchebags, but maybe that’s just me. I always associate posse with douchebags. I have issues; the first step is admitting this.
We’ve got old-school rappers, modern rappers and yes, white rappers, which really get too much attention from douchebags. All of these rappers influence douchebags to talk like they do, dress like they do and oh my god, sometimes rap like they do. The latter is a common characteristic of douchebags and probably the worst one, which is saying a lot! Here are 15 rappers that douchebags really love…
Slim Shady carefully curates an image that is filled of hate, humor and inspiration. Eminem doesn’t make it easy to like him, but his music is pretty damn good. For his douchebag followers this is a problem, as many can’t separate the entertainer from the entertainment. Another big issue I have with his followers is that many believe they can flow lyrics as well as Eminem. This makes good YouTube, but not actual good rap.
When Eminem asks for all the real Slim Shady's to please stand up, he’s calling out to his douchebag clones, the ones that pay for his music, concerts and anything else with his name to take out into the world and mimic the entertainer. Again, not the purpose; instead, Eminem and his story can be used as a motivator to chasing your dream and creating an image for others to enjoy. Douchebags unable to differentiate actual from fake are the most dangerous and for these fans, Eminem essentially arms them with bad ideas.
14 Lil Jon
YEAH! Okay, regardless of where you focus your pop culture attention you have crossed Lil Jon at some point. He has this charismatic way to rap and yell at the same time as well as a unique stage presence that makes him appear a bigger star than he has ever actually been. His fans are mostly made up of big-time douchebags that think carrying around a glass (that looks like something you take communion with) is actually a cool thing. Especially if you’ve got that special elixir, you know the one that makes you black out. D-bags do love a good black out!
Lil Jon is known more for his crunk cup than his actual music. He’s battled an addiction to cough syrup which there is no excuse given his bankroll – buy some good liquor man! Of course, this plays right into the hands of his douchebag fans, many of whom can only afford cough syrup. Do they drink it from a solid gold crunk cup? Nope, probably a large plastic cup with a NASCAR logo on the side. Real classy guys! Way to ride the coattails of a big-time winner. Oh, and did you know Lil Jon was also on Celebrity Apprentice – another winning move! YEAH!
13 MC Hammer
This goes back the nineties, when rap was confusing. On one side you had gangsta rap and the other side, well you had MC Hammer. Douchebags ditched their faded Rude Dog t-shirts for sequins and gigantic parachute pants to be like Hammer. It was a confusing, cringing time. The phrase “Can’t Touch This” was the same as the eighties, “psyche” while pulling your hand away. Terrible, terrible stuff, what was going on during this time?
MC Hammer was the good-guy rapper, a man with a higher-calling that was a combination of God and lots of air in his pants. Douchebags ate up the look and bicycle-style dance he showcased in his horrible videos. Anyone who actually bought Hammer pants was exercising the highest level of consumerism. There was no way to pull these pants off and if you tried you were clearly a douchebag who thought imitating the rapper that gave us “Here Comes The Hammer” and “Pray” was a way to be cool and impress the ladies. Even their “bros” were like, “dude, you actually bought the pants?” It impressed no one.
12 Vanilla Ice
Now it’s clear that Vanilla Ice is a joke, but there was a time when some took Vanilla Ice seriously. The typical follower was a douchebag that spent a lot of time in the gym, drank lots of milk and liked both the words “word” and “mother” and always wondered how to put the two together. The song “Ice Ice Baby” made it okay for D-bags, especially white D-bags to act hip hop and try to be cool. In hindsight, the opposite happened.
Now the Ice Man regularly makes the reality show circuit and his fans have dwindled; however, he still does have a few fans. These leftover douchebag followers are a group to be feared. This the group that buys his new music and own VHS copies of Cool As Ice. “Drop the zero and get with the hero.” This is a line from that movie. If you own this immediately go to a mirror, take a look at yourself and admit that you are a douchebag. The first step is admitting this.
Drake, on the surface doesn’t seem to be an act that would attract douchebags, but he has a large following of this group. Drake mixes his rap skills with an attempt at humor and an aura of major self-importance. Unfortunately this arrogance carries over to his douchebag fans that adore everything he does and attempt to adopt each of their traits. In addition to his music, Drake is also a global ambassador (yes, real title apparently) for the NBA basketball team, Toronto Raptors. So, not only does he attract douche dudes from the states that want to be like him, he also has die-hard Canadian basketball fans that treat him like Jack Nicholson or Spike Lee.
What the douchebag followers may not realize is that Drake actually started in television and then worked his way into music. See D-bags, this is a guy that is talented. You are probably not. Again, you may have both started on the bottom, but he made it to the top while you are still there.
Well, he’s a white rapper so right there that is going to attract a certain douchebag element to his entourage. Initially, Macklemore hit with the song “Thrift Shop,” a fun song that you’d expect a white rapper to sing. Almost immediately the dirt bag douchebags starting coming out of their parent’s basements to show their support in the only way they know how – with unabashed allegiance regardless of the person or what may follow.
Next, Macklemore released more meaningful tunes such as “Can’t Hold Us” and something interesting happened. Macklemore ditched the dirt bag douchebags, but picked up a whole new group of douchebags, the ones looking for meaning through a rap song. Unable to think for themselves, Macklemore lyrics have become their bible. Now whenever he raps about a personal crisis or situation the D-bags listen as if they are with there as well. They are not and really should just get a life of their own.
9 Tone Loc
As we’ve covered, the nineties were a strange time for music, especially rap music which was exploring several areas. Tone Loc sort of hit the party scene, accidentally, I guess. He had a couple of songs with good beats and this low gravelly voice. Maybe he was trying to be the Lou Reed of rap; I don’t know, but if so, he could have used more heroin or grit.
The videos for “Wild Thing” and “Funky Cold Medina” were super low-budget black and white and must have cost $20 dollars, for both. Douchebags still ate them up due to the content, “Dude is rapping about nailing chicks’ man!” The rest of his albums lacked the same energy as those two songs, but it never mattered to Tone Loc D-bags because they would buy everything and still just jam to those two songs, thinking they too would get lucky like the Lou Reed of the rap world.
8 Jay Z
We get it, you’re from the Brooklyn projects and now you are rich as hell and married to one of the most beautiful and famous women in the world. Jealous, uh sure I am. What’s strange to me is that his douchebag fans believe Jay Z is a god that is guiding their ways. “Hey, I’m poor, but if I listen to Jay Z and deal drugs I can be rich too! Don’t agree and I will shoot you.” Something like that anyway…
Jay Z was Diddy’s boy for a while and was hot at the end of the whole Biggie Smalls and Tupac debacle. He is the essential rags to riches story and his fans are loyal, too loyal. Last time douchebags were this loyal people got shot and all these guys are too old for that (or already dead). What happened to enjoying music and leaving at that; Jay Z’s fans will defend him to death, even though they are not exactly sure why.
7 2 Chainz
So his original name was Tauheed Epps and then he went by Titi Boi and now he is 2 Chainz. Never mind his douchebag fans, anyone that changes their name twice is in the running for douchebag of the decade in my book. From Georgia, he was part of Playaz Circle, signed by Ludacris’ label and releasing a debut album titled “Duffle Bag Boy.” Again, a song with that name, if the gold-plated shoe fits…
Known as somewhat of a badass, at least that’s the reputation he portrays in his music, 2 Chainz D-bag loyalists like to think they are as bad as he. They are not, they are mostly wannabe losers that think they are being rebellious when really they are just listening to bad rap. This in itself is not a crime, but should be and at the very least is a very douche bag thing to do.
6 L.L. Cool J
There’s really a lot to work with here. First, what exactly does he put as his job? I would say TV host because he hasn’t been a noteworthy rapper for a while. As one of the original rappers to break through pop culture, LL Cool J had a legion of douchebags that wore Kangol hats and thick gold chains. Important to note that the chains worn by his douchebag fans were not real gold. Many of his “fans” grew up and moved on (I suspect this was after the song “Going Back to Cali,” but can’t prove it), but this was just the beginning of douchebag love for L.L.
Years later the song “Mamma Said Knock You Out” was a huge comeback hit that brought another pack of douchebags, this time it was wannabe rappers that also lifted weights, goes without saying, the worst kind of douchebag followers. Now, LL hosts television award shows with only hardcore douchebag fans left. Not too worry though; they still rock the Kangol hat, gold chain and lack of humor.
5 50 Cent
Sometimes it’s what you do and what you don’t do that makes your followers douchebags. For 50 Cent, it’s both, first he made the song “In Da Club” that woke every douchebag across America. Still today these D-bags insist on playing this song on their birthday. Secondly, what has 50 Cent done lately, or really after this hit? Very little, but that doesn’t stop his douchebag fans from pumping their fists each time they hear this tune.
Worse, 50 Cent has hit the sad reality TV circuit. How does a guy who was apparently shot 1,000 times (note: estimate not researched) appear on reality television shows? Seems hypocritical to me; he’s like a rap version of Mike Tyson – hit really big really fast and then went down really fast. To his fans this didn’t matter, they still love this dude and his song about going to the club on your birthday.
4 Flavor Flav
The self-titled “greatest hype man of all time” (personally I think Don King still owns this title), Flavor Flav was part of the rap group Public Enemy. PE’s politically charged lyrics really stepped up the rap game and Flavor Flav’s high pitched, scratchy voice was a great compliment to Chuck D’s intense rapping. The song “911 Is A Joke” was all Flav and it was weird, but okay. After that the rails came off. Reports of lots of alcohol abuse may have contributed; damn you alcohol, never any good stories.
Regardless, Flavor Flav still has a following of douchebag fans that insist on wearing clocks, crazy sunglasses and yelling “Yeah Booooy!” thinking this is funny. It’s not. Flav also hit the reality shows, even starring in one with the blonde from Beverly Hills Cop 2. Crazy stuff from a crazy guy who has crazy douchebag fans that still swear he is the greatest hype man of all time. Hey, who am I to argue with insanity.
3 Insane Clown Posse
This group and their fans are absolute trash. Known as the Juggalos, this group of douchebag fans follows around the rap group, Insane Clown Posse, everywhere. They are loyal, yes, too loyal. The way some people insist on drinking Hamms beer their whole life. I mean, c’mon, who follows a couple of rappers dressed as clowns who play rap/rock type music? Also, where are you finding those 30-packs of Hamms beer? I also believe this band is responsible for all of the random clown sightings across the county.
Want to clean up the world? I propose we get some giant nets and schedule an Insane Clown Posse even at Soldier Field. During the opening song drop the nets, scoop up the douchebags and drop them off in Lake Michigan. Too harsh? Listen to one of their albums, read the message boards and get back to me. If we all chip in a penny we can pay for the helicopters and nets – who is with me?
Pitbull is the ultimate party guy. When New Year’s Eve comes I look forward to him leading the party. It’s not Pitbull’s fault every douchebag in the world wants to be him. When a douchebag looks in a mirror they often see Pitbull even though they are not Pitbull, not even close really. He can rap, dance, party and gets all the girls. The douchebags that follow him get none of that, unless you count getting drunk on cheap rum partying, then they have that part down.
In addition to the partying douchebag crowd he also pulls another group, the balding douchebags. What Pitbull brings is hope for the douchebags that shave their heads. Hey, maybe I’ll look like Pitbull if I shave my head. Nope, you are still the same D-bag, just with less hair. You still have no game and still have a tight grip on that crappy rum. Let go man!
1 Kanye West
The worst of the worst, not only is Kanye West a douchebag himself, but those that follow him are the biggest douchebags in the world. His latest shenanigans (cancelling a tour and checking into a hospital for psychiatric reasons) is the most recent of a long list of douche bag moves. Not too worry though; his fans are cool with it. They will buy any piece of merchandise he puts his name on and don’t even get me started about his wife, Kim Kardashian, and her own following of douche bags. Really a match made in douche bag heaven.
Kanye thinks what he says is important and his douchebag followers eat up each word. Hey D-bags, he’s just rambling insane garbage, wake up! West says he is going to run for president next election. I don’t doubt this given his ego. I’m just glad there is no way he would ever be elected. Wait, oh no!!!
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