First of all, let’s congratulate the happy couple. Surfing superstars, Alana Blanchard and Jack Freestone, announced last month that they have a baby due together. Yep, not only is this dude rocking the paradise lifestyle of a pro surfer, but he also managed to woo the hottest female surfer in the business. Not that we’re jealous (yes, we’re jealous) but that just seems too good to be true. So we just had to roast the dude a little bit, right?
This list contains some pics that Jack wouldn’t want you to see. Either they are too scandalous, too hot, or just plain weird. Every guy is protective when it comes to his girlfriend, and then even more protective when she’s about to be the mother of his child. He definitely wouldn’t want us to laugh at, ogle and be judgmental of these pics. However the internet thrives on this stuff. There’s plenty of raw material on social media to uncover, and plenty of time to speculate on the backstory.
Honestly, we’re not the biggest surfing fans. We’ve only glimpsed the competitions, and have no idea how one really works. But we do know hot when we see it. Here are 15 hot pics of Alana Blanchard that Jack Freestone doesn’t want you to see.
15. Lots of Girl Friends
Too close? Maybe, but that’s okay. Most dudes love it when their girlfriend has hot friends. Next time you have a get together, there is a great crowd, and all the dudes are happy too. But sometimes Alana seems a little too close, so Jack might not approve. Not too close as in gay, since that’s fine. And some relationships are open to exploring all kinds of three-party scenarios. It seems like the laid back surfer attitude would have no objections there. But the truth is there are a lot of photos of Alana getting very close with a lot of attractive women. It’s nice that your girl is sociable, but you don’t want her to be too busy. When is Jack going to get his turn? You try to have a date, and it’s like, “No, I’m busy, nope, busy then too.” No dude wants to share too much with anybody, especially when it comes to his girl time.
14. A Personal Space
No dude wants us to see his girl in the shower. There’s something personal about that space, and even though surfers are always in their swimsuits, just the removal of one extra item can make everything that much more personal. In this case, Alana has removed her bikini top. It looks like she may be attempting to trap some suds in between her twins. That is always the challenge when taking a shower, right? “How do I not waste all of these bubbles?” There’s always that annoying impulse to conserve as much soap as you can. Looks like Alana will be shampooing today too. Her long blonde hair is already wet, and the shampoo bottle is waiting on the window sill. Wait a second, a window sill? That would be nice to let the steam out, but there goes the privacy from the neighbors.
13. Intimate Wardrobe
Here’s another private moment in the daily routine, that most dudes do not want everybody to see. Here is a great picture of Alana and her undies. The white lace contrasts well with her sun-tanned skin. The look on her face is very suggestive. What is she thinking about? Well, the bed is right there, which could be reminding her of last night’s festivities. Her body language is also rather moving. Her bottom is sticking out and her shoulders are arched back. You never know, maybe Jack is laying in the bed, which was cropped out of the frame. She seems to be ready to go, and that outfit will surely get Jack’s motor running as well. And that, kids, was how the baby got made.
12. Getting So Dirty
When you have a hot girlfriend, you want her to have some good hygiene. Most guys want her to brush her hair, brush her teeth, wear clean clothes, the basic stuff. Maybe surfers are a little more lax with the hair brushing thing, since they’re always out on the salty sea. Women expect the same cleanliness of their men, too. But then you look at this pic, and it’s like, “Oh my goodness, what happened?” This looks like some mud. Not the type of mud you’d find at a hipster spa, but the kind of mud you’d find in a pig sty. We’re not sure what happened to Alana, or why she decided to get this dirty, but we are kind of repulsed. On second thought, this is a body paint scenario. We can see every curve of her body, including the twins, which were cropped off for our SFW standards. Yeah, she’s covered in nothing but mud, and maybe that’s a good thing.
11. The Bruiser Selfie
This is one of those shots that looks really, really bad at first glance. It almost looks like what Chris Brown did to Rihanna in the parking lot at the Grammy’s. At first we imagine one eye swollen shut, and then a massively swollen lip. No dude ever wants his girl to look like this. He would have to hunt down the person who did this. Or he himself could be implied in the beating, which could be even worse, especially if he’s innocent. But hold on, we’re just joking, and so is Alana. She’s not injured in any way, she’s just taking a really goofy selfie. We’re not sure what compelled her to do this, because like we said, the first glance implications are not good. In many of Alana’s selfies she does some self-deprecating faces. Her goofy style is much like that of Miley Cyrus or Kaley Cuoco, who have both been known to stick out their tongue and/or flaunt their female assets.
10. Riding the Curl
This is a straight-up shot of Alana’s behind. This must be frustrating for Jack to see. Over and over again, photographers have a zoom lens pointed directly at Alana’s behind. The photogs can’t help it either, there just taking pictures of an athlete competing. It just so happens that there are some very revealing moments, on the regular, during surfing. Photogs are taking shots of Alana leaning over, or bending at the waist, like, constantly. And it is a nice behind, it’s not like that’s a secret that the photog is trying to avoid, since the anatomy helps sell the picture too. Here’s a great shot of Alana riding the curl. Yes, if you are a novice, grabbing a boogie board this weekend, you have to ride the curl, not the wave. If you try to hop on the wave, you’ll fall through it. You have to ride the curl, in front of the wave, that’s where you’ll find all the momentum.
9. Not a Chef
Times are changing, there’s no doubt about that. In the last fifty years gender roles in America have come such a long way. Women are no longer expected to stay behind and be a homemaker. They are no longer confined to the role of cleaner, child care giver and cook. Women can do whatever they want, educate themselves at any school, and pursue any career they would like. And that’s a good thing for Alana, because she is not a cook. She is looking hot in that apron, but take a second look. She’s holding a bowl in an oven mitt to scramble eggs. Is that what’s going on here? From a chef’s eye, that is so wrong. If you’re whisking something, that bowl is going to wiggle, so set it down on the counter. You certainly don’t want to hold the bowl in the most unstable grasp of a mitt. Jack may not like the no-cooking-skills factor, especially if he can’t cook either.
8. Busting Boards
A busted board? Bummer, dude. Surely this happens from time to time in the surfing profession. However, there are a few reasons why Jack may not like this shot. For one, maybe that’s his board. Girlfriends have been known to break dudes’ stuff when they get angry. We’re not saying that Alana is that vindictive rage type of gal, but if she is, busting his lucky board would be an easy target. Another thing Jack may not like is that, of all the pics of Alana floating around on the internet, this one is probably the most unflattering one. She looks mad, and her tongue is sticking out at an odd length. She looks like she’s stranded on the side of some random highway. We’re not sure what the deal is, but the entire photo has a slightly creepy vibe.
7. Too Much Attention
Women are better athletes in every way. They are taking over every sport they can, because not only are they highly skilled and devoted, but they are also hot as hell. Jack can’t pose for a shot like this, and that fact might make him a little jealous. Tons of people have heard of Alana Blanchard, but nearly nobody has heard of Jack Freestone, except for the hardcore surfing fans. For example, Alana has nearly 2M Instagram followers, while Jack only has just over 250K. So basically, she’s ten-times more popular. And how did that happen? Well, because dudes who don’t give a crap about surfing just want to look at a hot blond in a bikini. She does help to popularize the sport, but perhaps for the wrong reasons. And that’s another factor that Jack may not approve of. Who wants millions of dudes to be creeping on your girl’s page all day?
6. Who in the World…?
So many questions about this pic. We’re not sure who these two dudes are, but this pic is awfully awkward, and no boyfriend wants to see that. Are these her little brothers or what? And if they are her brothers, then why is the smaller one trying to grind on Alana? Brothers do not usually grind on sisters. That is not right. But if they’re not her brothers, then it’s somehow even creepier. It’s creepy either way really, related or not. And how about those matching shirts. What’s up with that? Sure, it’s great to see Alana’s tight midriff showing through, but the fact that these three blondes are all dressed alike is very disconcerting. Wait a second, are these Jack’s brothers? Now that would explain the grinding. If your older bro is getting with a smoking hot babe, then you would definitely dream about getting your own piece one day.
5. In Love With the Sea
Alana loves the sea so much, but what if the water is too stimulating? There’s a certain “surfer’s high” that can come along with the sport. You want to be out in the waves every day. You travel miles to catch the best waves. You wake up at odd hours, and brave the harshest winds, and near storm-like conditions. See how happy (and hot) Alana looks in this pic? Can Jack ever beat the feeling of euphoria that the sea can give her? There is no doubt that the ocean has a personality. It can be unpredictable yet soothing. It bears the life of millions of marine creatures and also serves as their graves. The sea has been courted by millions of sailors, and surfers are even closer to the pulse of its waves. It’s great that our surfer couple both love the ocean, but maybe Alana loves it too much.
4. Dumb Selfies
Dudes hate looking dumb in pics. Here we have the man of the hour, Jack Freestone in all of his bleach-ends glory. And there is his smoking hot girlfriend right there on top of his head. He cannot be proud of this pic. He doesn’t want us to see this. Here’s a shot of him and his girl having a personal moment. There’s all kinds of goofy crap we do and say with our girls that we don’t necessarily want broadcasted across the internet. Look in the dude’s eyes, he’s thinking, “Selfies? Great. I feel like an idiot.” They may have been having a moment right before this shot was taken, but sometimes the camera can ruin things. What is this, a totem pole selfie? The two-headed monster? Nit picking? And there she is again with that silly tongue.
3. Risk vs Reward
There’s Alana with her friend and fellow pro surfer, Bethany Hamilton. Hamilton is a famous surfer, known mostly for losing her arm to an attack by a fourteen-foot tiger shark. Surfers are tough athletes, way tougher than many realize. They have to swim a ton, and their sense of balance is like that of a tightrope walker. Add to that the bravery that comes into play when you’re facing waves bigger and stronger than a speeding school bus. But an image like this still cuts deep in the back of your mind. There’s your girl, wading next to a girl that was a shark attack victim. She was there that day. It could have just as easily been Alana. Sure, Hamilton survived, and she’s stronger than ever, still competing professionally, and refusing to be recognized as a “disabled” athlete, instead preferring the term “adaptive.” Every sport contains a risk: a pitcher could take a line drive to the face, a linebacker could get a fatal concussion, a NASCAR driver could flip into the grandstand. The love of the sport does beat the fear, but only for so long.
2. Dudes Be Watching Constantly
We obviously can’t blame these guys for looking. If you saw the whole frame on this pic you would be looking too. Alana’s cheeks are totally hanging out of this bikini bottom, and she looks awesome. But at some point, doesn’t Jack get tired of all the dudes staring? First, you have the photographers with the zoom lenses snapping her rear while she’s surfing, (which we mentioned) but then you also have all the horn dogs on the sand waiting to flap their tongues at her every move. And sure that happens– it’s the beach. Everybody is wet, hot, wearing fancy underwear and checking each other out. However, seeing an image of such ogling must be slightly frustrating for Jack. Especial when it’s dudes wearing Speedos and dorky hats.
1. Licking His Face
Well, we’ve tried to stir up some controversy, but truly, as evidenced by this pic, Jack doesn’t seem to be bothered by much. He basically fits the laid back surfer stereotype to the T. He puts up with all kinds of nonsense. There are selfies of these two wearing footie pajamas together, or putting on avocado facial masks. There’s tons of goofy selfies they take together and Jack always wears a smile. They have even done magazine photoshoots together, and are constantly pictured arm-in-arm on Instagram. It seems like the couple cannot be phased. We’ll see how they do as parents. With those genes, this kid might have the talent to finally bring the sport of surfing into the mainstream.
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