Talking in your sleep - or 'Somniloquy' as it’s medically known - is something we have all done in our time. Whether it’s letting out a scream in response to a nightmare or bursting into fits of laughter after remembering a joke during the day, it’s fairly common to make noises in our sleep now and then. But there are those who don’t just produce noises or vague mutterings during their slumber, they can have full blown conversations with themselves. And for anyone sharing a bed with these night-time chatterboxes, the results can be hilarious!
Partners of regular sleep talkers may find it hard to sleep from time to time, but on the bright side, they get to witness some comedy gold during the night. While some sleep mutterings can be jumbled up and nonsensical, some are spoken so clearly and with such authority that you could swear they were wide awake and entirely serious about what they were saying. Some outbursts can be subconscious thoughts, while others? Well, let’s hope they’re not subconscious thoughts!
To celebrate all the weird and wonderful things sleep talkers come up with, we’ve scoured the net to find out some of the most hilarious and surreal things that people have said to their significant other in their sleep. From being terrified of a mutant squirrel on the loose to getting mad at Batman, these may be some of the funniest and most poetic sentences ever spoken! Have a chuckle at some of the most bizarre (and downright hysterical) things ever said during sleep…
15 Fear of a Mutant Squirrel
A pretty constant sleep talker - known on the web as ‘Sleep Talkin’ Man’ - turned to his wife one night before sleepily muttering these glorious words: “Quick! Everybody lock your doors! Squirrelantula is on the loose again! And this time he means business. Get the giant broom!”. We’d hate to think what this guy ate before he went to bed!
The name ‘Squirrelantula’ suggests this poor guy was having nightmares about some kind of mutant squirrel and tarantula hybrid. A giant squirrel with eight furry legs running amok in the neighbourhood? No wonder he sounds so terrified! The wife of Sleep Talkin’ Man has actually compiled all of her husband’s late night utterances and published them on her blog. She has even spread the joy by sharing his surreal ramblings in a book too! You’ve gotta applaud her willpower to do all this - I think most of us would be insomniacs by now!
14 “Bigfoot is Raiding My Sock Drawer Again”
The search for Sasquatch or ‘Bigfoot’ as he’s more commonly known has intrigued people for decades but one man had some very vivid visions of the mysterious beast in his home - too bad they were only in his dreams (or possibly in his nightmares by the sounds of it). These night-time gems were from Sleep Talkin’ Man again, and this time, he was determined to catch Bigfoot red-handed.
His wife woke up to these words of warning - “Listen up, people. Sasquatch has been in my sock drawer again, and now he’s somewhere loose in the bathroom. So I’m setting up a six-foot perimeter fence, and someone bring me my clippers. he’s mine this time”. Maybe poor old Bigfoot was just getting his own back on every human who ever tried to raid his personal space out in the woods. And only a six-foot fence? Just how big is so-called ‘Bigfoot’ anyway?
13 Destiny And Pepperonis
Everybody likes pizza and we might daydream about a delicious, cheesy slice of the stuff if we hadn’t eaten in a while, but few of us would dream specifically about pizza toppings in the hilariously way this guy did. Even fewer of us would declare in our sleep that these pizza toppings may somehow hold the key to who we are and who we were destined to be (unless we were maybe smoking something).
This sleep talker’s amused girlfriend shared her experience on Reddit. Apparently, right as he was falling asleep, her boyfriend randomly spoke the words “... and it’s my past, and my present and my fuuuutuuuurreeee”. Awake and bewildered, she asked what the hell he was talking about, and the answer she received could never have been predicted - “I was just thinking about pepperonis, maybe it has something to do with them?”. His girlfriend must never have a dull moment!
12 “Bambi’s Mum Is An Alcoholic”
There’s a corner of the web that seems to be dedicated to finding subliminal messages and hidden themes in Disney movies. For people with too much time on their hands, themes such as sex and racism can allegedly be found in most films in the Disney canon. It’s one thing to go looking for these hidden meanings, but to come out with one in your sleep (especially one as unexpected as this) makes it a whole lot funnier.
Evidently, a man was told by his girlfriend that during his sleep, he had murmured the words “There’s a hidden meaning in Bambi... his mum’s an alcoholic”. We can’t speak for his girlfriend, but we’d be happy to be woken up by this hilarious revelation! Whether this guy genuinely believes in his theory or not, we couldn’t care less. Perhaps Bambi’s mom could have outran the hunter if she hadn’t been so tanked.
11 The Urge to Press the Button
You know that burning, overwhelming urge we all get to press a button you just know shouldn’t be pressed? A woman got this strange urge while half asleep, but unfortunately her husband’s calm response didn’t do much to discourage her.
Her husband described waking up to his wife “struggling to get out of bed”. When he asked what was up, she said in a very determined voice “I need to press this button!”. Like most partners of sleep talkers, her exhausted hubby said whatever he could to get her to go back to sleep and told her “Come back to bed, I already pressed the button for you”. Unfortunately, his wife only got more heated about it and said to him in the most patronising way possible “You don’t even know how!”. An imaginary button that only his wife can press? Poor guy. This must have been a long night...
10 “The Song Of My People!”
Living with a partner who snores loudly can be tricky. Sure, you can suggest that they don’t sleep on their back or get them to wear a special anti-snore nose strip, but sometimes the noise can get so bad that you have no other option but to wake them up and beg them to stop.
After struggling to get to sleep, a guy’s girlfriend did just this, only to get this response: “No need to thank me”. Just as she managed to get back to sleep, her guy let rip with this utterly epic outcry: “Let me play you the song of my people!”. A song sounds nicer than more snoring, but we’re betting his girlfriend wasn’t too pleased. We’ll never know for sure how this song went exactly or if he even sung one, but we really wish we could have been there. I wonder if she regretted asking him to stop in the first place!
9 “Stop Wasting the Science!”
According to one very angry and passionate sleep talker, science is a precious commodity and should not be wasted under any circumstances. These were the bizarre sleep mutterings of a 12 year old boy when his older brother walked through the front door.
The older sibling was returning home from a night out when he spotted his little brother sleeping on his couch. Like something out of a horror film, his 12 year old bro stood up straight and turned towards him. If this wasn’t creepy enough to do while half asleep, the boy looked him dead in the eyes and said in a pretty forceful tone “stop wasting the science!”. Shortly after that, he whispered “Keep it safe”. What science his older brother was wasting exactly isn’t clear. Maybe the older brother was a student and he was suggesting that he focus on his chemistry studies instead of going clubbing?
8 T-Rex Impression
This sleep talker may have watched too much Jurassic Park before getting some shut eye because - according to his hysterical girlfriend - he drifted off and started to shout the words “I’M A BIG SCARY DINOSAUR!” repeatedly in his slumber. It’s only when he heard his girl dying of laughter that he eventually woke up and was presumably both confused and disappointed to be human again.
It wasn’t just his proud dinosaur exclamation that sent his girlfriend into fits of giggles. Apparently, this guy also got into the physical character of a T-Rex. According to his girlfriend, he was shouting these words while “dead asleep on his back, elbows pressed against his sides and flailing his hands and forearms.” The sleep talker who goes by the name ‘SpruceWayne’ on Reddit said he doesn’t remember the dream, but that he can only assume it was the best one he’d ever had. Who wouldn’t want to be a big scary dinosaur?
7 “The Red Currants Are Acting So Prissy”
These bizarre and almost poetic words come (again) from the Sleep Talkin’ Man. (It’s no wonder his wife went ahead and made a book out of these gems!). This time, he seems to be concerned about a bunch of badly behaved berries. His full insight into the red currants can be heard here and sounded something like this: “Over at the blueberry convention, the red currants are acting so prissy. So very un-berry-like”. Beautiful.
This sounds like something a TV News reporter might say while high, but it’s so much funnier than that! The idea of red currants with a superiority complex, ruining the party for blueberries is pure genius and goes to show what a wild imagination this guy has. It’s surreal sentences like this that make you wonder how the human brain really works. This guy says more eloquent things in his sleep than most of us do when awake!
6 Unfinished Business With Batman
Sometimes, the short and sweet outbursts are the best, as evidenced by this random expression of anger involving a superhero being a tight wad. While sleeping in his college dorms, a guy apparently watched as his room mate sat bolt upright in bed before saying “Fuck you, Batman. You owe me twenty dollars”. After that, he fell straight back to sleep as quickly as he had sat up - no doubt leaving the rest of his room mates in stitches in the process.
Batman is capable of so many amazing things, but the notion of him conning someone out of twenty bucks is so fantastically surreal, it just had to have a place on this list! Whatever this college kid’s beef with Batman was, he had every right to get angry about it. Mr. Bruce Wayne is a billionaire, after all. We’d be pretty riled up too if Batman couldn’t cough up a meagre twenty dollars!
5 "I'm A Dalek"
Many sleep talkers seem to engage in full on conversations with themselves (as we’ve seen quite frequently on this list), but there are also those who speak in more abstract thoughts. Sometimes these can be just as funny, if not more so, than the kind of night-time mumblings that drift into flights of fancy. This next example was simple and to the point. Although what point this guy was trying to make we have no idea.
When asked by another Reddit user to share the strangest things ever said during sleep, one user revealed that her boyfriend once randomly said “Nissan Micra”. When she asked him “What?” in response, his reply couldn’t be further from the subject of cars (or reality). His response back to her were three hilarious and utterly unexpected words: “I’m a dalek”. At first, she thought he may have been coming out with this on purpose, but he rolled over and she realized he was fast asleep. Being a dalek/car salesman really takes it out of ya!
4 Sleepy Pillow Talk
Sometimes, not all sleep talking has to sound insane to be funny. Take this guy, for instance, who unwittingly showed his romantic side one night by snuggling up to his wife and showing his intense love for her (and no, not in the way you might expect). According to his wife, he rolled over whilst dead asleep and spoke these poetic words “You are the burning ember in the jungles of my night”.
Aww! Too bad this stud wasted such a good chat up line in his sleep. Whether you think it’s hopelessly romantic or utterly cheesy, his wife seemed to like it. In fact (according to her Reddit posts), she loved her husband’s accidental romantic verse so much, she has plans to embroider the words in a design one day. Less risky than getting the phrase in tattoo form, I guess. Let’s hope this guy is worth the finger blisters!
3 Beware Of The 'Shower Troll'
A ‘Shower Troll’ kind of sounds like a whimsical character in a children’s storybook. In actual fact, it’s the reason a very sleepy girlfriend didn't want her partner to take a shower. (Okey dokey….). Apparently, her boyfriend told her that in a deep sleep, she asked him to be careful in the shower. After asking her why, she simply said “The Shower Troll”.
Answering her rationally (and most likely in a bid to get back to sleep quickly) he replied “Don’t worry. I’ll kill him.” “No!” she quickly replied. “Only my mom can kill him.” That’s a comfort then! His girlfriend has since shared her bizarre sleep talking story on Reddit, prompting other users to compare the shower troll creature to something out of Psycho or the twist in an M Night Shyamalan film! Just when you thought it was safe to get back in the tub and pick up a loofah…
2 Trouble With Toner
Only in our dreams could something as boring and dull as toner be at the centre of something so hilariously weird. This seemed to be the overriding theme in one woman’s deep-sleep chattering, as her husband remembers it. Sharing it in a Reddit post, he revealed: “My wife talks in her sleep. The silliest one was “‘What do you mean the toner is low? We just changed the toner. We can get cookies after we figure this out. No, I’m not buying that. I’m going to miss my flight. Asshole’”.
Talk about things escalating quickly! We’d love to have seen her husband’s facial expression after hearing this epic rant. By the sounds of it, his wife may have dreamt that she was a frustrated mom dragging her kids through the duty free shopping mall at the airport. And this conversation might have made perfect sense if it wasn’t for the bizarre toner obsession.
1 "I Am Mediterranean Man!"
You have to hand it to Sleep Talkin’ Man - he has a remarkable gift for making random sleep mutterings sound pretty epic. This time around, his wife recorded him revealing what seems to be his secret identity as ‘Mediterranean Man’ (this is either a long forgotten Marvel character or a really bad Spanish TV show for kids).
One night, she woke up to this epic and rousing speech: “I am Mediterranean Man! Hear my cry: TZATZIKI!... and tremble with fear. I will cut you with my throwing pita. But not at three o’clock, ‘cus it’s siesta time. TZATZIKI and away!” Um, wow. I wonder if Sleep Talkin’ Man has ever considered trying his hand at improv comedy - he seems to be able to come out with comedy gold using the least amount of effort. The ability to make people laugh while you’re barely conscious? That takes some serious skill!
Sources: Huffington Post; Reddit; The Date Report; The Telegraph.