If you’re like most of us everyday people just trying to make it in a sometimes cold and unfeeling world, then at one point or another, you’ve daydreamed about a different life. Maybe you’ve even wondered how things would be different with a celebrity or two as your friend. Because when quitting time comes, who wouldn’t want to hang out with their best buds Katy or Taylor backstage, making fun of the crowd? Or party in the VIP room with Leo while drinking Cristal and vaping the night away? It might even be cool to work out with Tom Brady at the gym and share veggie smoothies afterward. Just make sure you don’t let anything slip about that time you golfed with Roger Goodell.
But if you were really BFFs with a celeb, eventually you’d want to take them home and introduce them to your family, wouldn’t you? And especially to your dear old Mom, who still reads all the entertainment mags. You could show them the neighborhood school you went to and impress all the kids, share a home-cooked meal with them, and maybe even let good old Fido ride in their lap while you cruise Main Street looking for a party on a Friday night.
That could happen. But what if it didn’t? What if your famous friend turned out to be crazy, violent, a sociopath, or worse yet, just an embarrassment? What if their behavior in public was so appalling, whether because they’re totally mean to people, party way too much, or are just clearly off their rocker, that you end up mortified after introducing them to Mom. I know that you already know which of your own real friends make you nervous around your Mom, but here are the 15 celebrities you wouldn’t ever want to bring home to mom either, if you happened to be friends with them.
Celebrities who are weird, self-obsessed, way too open about their sexuality, and push the limits are also people moms don’t want to deal with. Take Madonna, for instance. Or don’t, as the case may be — your Mom sure won’t mind. I mean, sure, Mom has a soft spot for Madonna after all of her empowering hits of the ‘80s and ‘90s, but that doesn’t mean she wants the Queen of Pop sleeping in the guest room. Madonna wouldn’t be a bad person to Mom, like Alec and Mel would be, but she’s not someone with whom you should associate. In mom-speak, she’s a “bad influence.” If you start hanging out with her, you might find yourself appearing in nude photos, or wearing too much revealing lace and leather, or tipping poorly, or verbally abusing your ex-spouses. Madonna is just as famous for all of the weird side-trappings she’s accumulated over the years as she is for her music. Mom knows that. She’ll listen to “Borderline” or “Vogue” while she’s making the salad in the kitchen, but she sure as hell ain’t inviting Madge to partake of it.
14. Katherine Heigl
Speaking of poor tippers, here’s Katherine Heigl, whom Mom used to like so much on her show Grey’s Anatomy until the starlet started making waves in Hollywood for being a stone-cold ice queen diva. As the reports of Heigl’s on-set rants and tantrums became ever more shared across all media, Mom’s interest in her waned. That’s the thing: mothers don’t raise their children in the hopes that those children will be utterly selfish, utterly self-absorbed beotches. Just the opposite, in fact, and your Mom is no different. She might actually want Katherine to drop in for a visit but only so that she can give her a piece of her mind about what is and isn’t proper behavior. She might even think she can “turn around” the actress but she sure as hell doesn’t want your family’s good name dragged through the mud with her. So stay away from Katherine.
13. Winona Ryder
One thing nobody’s mother likes is famous celebrities who act like they can’t afford the stuff they buy, which is why Winona Ryder makes our list. Everybody remembers, especially Mom, that incident in Beverly Hills when Winona was accused of shoplifting at the Saks Fifth Avenue boutique shop. Mom used to like Winona, especially her seemingly innocent personal life. But the shoplifting incident changed your Mom’s opinion of Winona forever. I mean, what mother would ever want to get a call from mall security that their daughter was on their way to the police station for such an offense? Every mom would be so embarrassed, especially if their daughter was rich and famous! Mom would totally take Winona to task and judge her right out of your life. She would remind you that you weren’t raised that way and that the friends you choose reveal what kind of person you are. You don’t need that guilt.
12. Miley Cyrus
Even worse from Mom’s perspective is good old Miley Cyrus, who has all the negative attributes of Madonna but, in her opinion, none of the positive ones (you know, like good music). Once upon a time, Mom thought Miley was cute. That was back in the day when Miley was a Tweener Disney princess and clean as a whistle. Now that Miley is a crazy, sex-driven superstar diva who doesn’t wear any clothes, does do all the drugs, speaks out about controversial subjects as often as possible, and rides around her stage show on giant sex toys, Mom is not a fan. Not even a little bit. Sure, Miley covers Dolly Parton (whom Mom adores!), but that’s not enough to sell her on the whole deal. Mom thinks Miley needs some “structure” and “discipline” in her life. She can’t imagine what she might do if she were allowed to visit, but she knows it wouldn’t be good.
Our last celeb whom you would never want to bring home to meet Mom is actually a package deal of awfulness. I’m talking, of course, about the dreaded two-headed monster known as “Kimye,” Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. I’m not sure which one of these egomaniacal celebs would make your Mom upset, but I know for sure that upset she would be if these two happened to stroll into her home. You see, even though Mom loves watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, she doesn’t want their particular brand of publicity hogging and family infighting anywhere near her own home. Plus, Kim has a tendency to get naked in public way too often for Mom’s taste. As for that Kanye, Mom thinks he’s “a piece of work,” what with his sour attitude and impolite upstaging of deserving stars like Taylor Swift, whom Mom still thinks is “lovely.” Kimye, on the other hand, spells trouble, and Mom knows it. They are not welcome.
10. Sean Penn
If you bring your bad boy buddy Sean Penn home, you better make sure Mom hasn’t taken up a new hobby as a budding photographer. You see, good old Sean has a, shall we say, rather prickly relationship with the paparazzi, as in he tends to beat on them any time a photographer comes within a city block of him. So bringing him home to Mom might not be the best idea. What if she wanted to take a selfie with him? Yeah, that’s what I thought, too… Oh yeah, there’s also the little matter of repeated allegations that he’s abusive toward women (his treatment of his ex-wife Madonna, no saint herself, fueled these rumors back in the day) and, by the way, totally racist. Maybe it would be best to leave your good bud Sean at the local watering hole if you drop by Mom’s for a quick visit and a load of laundry.
9. Lindsay Lohan
I don’t even know where to start with Lindsay Lohan, but I’m willing to bet your Mom sure does. After all, Mom watches all of the “infotainment” shows on TV and reads all of the tabloids while waiting in the supermarket check-out line. That’s just what moms do. So she’s well aware of the trials and tribulations of young Ms. Lohan. In fact, she remembers when good old Lindsay was the hot new Hollywood thing and was so cute and charming in family-friendly movies like The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, and Herbie: Fully Loaded. Back then, Mom might have thought Lindsay would make a great gal pal for you. But then Lindsay had to go and take every drug imaginable, stumble around at every red carpet event she went to, and then release her “little black book” of all the sex partners she’s ever had. That’s not the sort of behavior Mom would ever appreciate or allow in her home. Uh uh, no siree, Bob.
8. Mel Gibson
Here’s a guy that your Mom would never, ever in a million years want to see sitting across from her at the dining room table eating her special meatloaf. Yeah, perhaps there was a time way back in the days of Lethal Weapon and Braveheart when she thought Mel Gibson was kind of hot, in her secret fantasies (eww — let’s not talk about Mom’s secret fantasies, though!) but those days are never gonna come back. Nowadays, Mom, who was raised right, after all, and hopes she raised you right, can’t believe the horrible things that come out of Mel’s mouth about pretty much every ethnic group and women. Mel is not polite, Mel is not politically correct, and Mel is not a nice guy. In fact, Mel doesn’t even seem like he’s necessarily of this planet, given some of the anti-Semitic, anti-gay, anti-Hispanic, anti-everyone, and everything rants he’s delivered in the past. Mom does not want that kind of talk around the dinner table.
7. Hugh Grant
One thing moms, in general, can’t stomach is the “world’s oldest profession,” especially since they know their own profession is really the oldest. Your Mom is no different — she’s not a fan of streetwalkers, tarts, ladies of the night, or whatever label you want to give the women who sell themselves for money. But she’s even less of a fan of the men who frequent them, especially men like Hugh Grant, onetime Hollywood playboy who made his reputation playing the bumbling, misunderstood Englishman in a zillion Rom-coms. Can you imagine the guilt trip your Mom would lay on you if you brought Hugh home? This is the guy who threw away his engagement to supermodel Liz Hurley for a $50 interlude with a hooker named “Divine Brown” (or “Cherry Red,” as Hugh apparently called her). This is most decidedly not a dude whom Mom approves of — no way, no how.
6. Alec Baldwin
Another thing Mom doesn’t approve of is yelling at one’s children for no good reason. Sure, you have to be firm with them sometimes, and sometimes, that means raising your voice. But screaming at your child that he or she is a “rude little pig,” as Alec Baldwin did to his 11-year-old daughter is not something Mom can wrap her head around. In fact, Mom knows you just don’t do that to kids — you can really traumatize them with that sort of vitriol. She might be able to look past Baldwin’s behavior toward his own child (and his bad behavior toward his ex-wife, starlet Kim Basinger) when reruns of 30 Rock are on, but she sure doesn’t want to meet him anytime soon. He’s not a good role model as a parent, and if there’s one thing moms can agree on, it’s that celebrities who are bad role models are not people anybody should ever want to hang out with.
5. Christian Bale
He may be Batman (well, the equally “unwelcome at Mom’s” Ben Affleck is now, but you get my drift) but Christian Bale is also batsh*t crazy. That’s right; he’s actually like a far worse male version of Katherine Heigl. When I say far worse, I mean it, too. If you don’t believe me, go ask your Mom — she’s heard all of the stories about him launching into extras, crew, and other little people for all of their failures. Most of these failures had to do with normal people not being good enough to serve “Mr. High and Mighty,” which isn’t surprising since Bale also has a tendency to get into public fights with his own family. That is so not an image your Mom wants to put out there for the world to see. Mom would die of embarrassment if your family’s dirty laundry were aired publicly the way Bale’s is.
4. Justin Bieber
This one’s a no-brainer. Moms all over the place think Justin Bieber is a naughty, out of control little brat. Your own Mom is no exception to that rule. Don’t even think about bringing the Beebs home to meet her; she can’t stand the little guy. I’m not sure if moms hate him more because of the underage drinking and driving, the involvement with drugs, or the public feuds with the paparazzi, or whether they even care anymore which incident it is with him. What they do care about is the fact that he seems to be a totally spoiled brat. Moms don’t do spoiled brats well when they’re not their own — they hate that breed; it makes them feel like they’ve failed somewhere along the line. I’m also pretty sure your Mom thinks Bieber (and that hair) is faintly ridiculous and never understood what your sister saw in him. Whatever the case may be, Justin Bieber is not a celeb that’s gonna pull any water with your Mom, so don’t even try.
3. Joan Crawford
Why don’t we start off the festivities with a lady who is most famous for being a terrible mother? That’s right. If you’re going to do a list of stars whom you would never want your mom to meet, then it’s only appropriate to put Joan Crawford on that list, especially since she gives motherhood, in general, a bad name. In case you don’t remember, Crawford’s terrible mothering was the subject of the infamous “tell-all” memoir Mommie Dearest (and subsequent movie) by her daughter wherein Joan was accused of being a crazy alcoholic, totally abusive toward her children, and subject to frequent fits of rage and fury against them. This leading lady is definitely one whom your mom would never, ever approve of, even if she appreciated her movies back in the day. Fortunately, good old Joan has been dead a long, long time, so mom has nothing to worry about.
2. Jim Morrison
We move from a legendarily bad mother to a legendarily bad dude. Well, maybe not an awful guy as far as criminal charges go, but Jim Morrison, the lead singer of rock and roll’s The Doors (one of the great bands of the ‘60s) was not the type of guy you would want Mom to meet. First of all, he liked to talk in his songs a lot about killing his father and having sex with his mother. Umm, no Jim, just no. Second, he basically went after anything female that seemed even partially alive. Mom doesn’t need some weird, smelly, leather-wearing hippie trying to “light her fire” in the kitchen. Finally, there’s that little matter of the public indecency charge at a concert in Connecticut in 1969 when he supposedly took his “package” out onstage and started waving it around. Your mother wouldn’t approve of such behavior, not a bit.
1. Tom Cruise
Here’s another thing Mom doesn’t approve of — her guests jumping around on the furniture, breaking it, and making a mess. Mom likes her house neat and tidy — thank you very much — and always has. That’s just one of the reasons that crazy Tom Cruise wouldn’t be invited into her living room. Your Mom saw Oprah — she knows what he does to couches and other innocent household pieces. But that’s not all — far from it. Tom is also a well-known cultist, the most famous face of Scientology, which is definitely not a religion that Mom approves of. Even if your Mom isn’t particularly religious herself, she’s not the type who appreciates weird offshoot groups that appear to brainwash their disciples, especially when said disciples like Tom take advantage of poor little Katie Holmes. Yeah, Mom knows all about that particular story — don’t get her started. It’s just too bad, in her opinion, that he didn’t end up as nice as he seemed in Jerry Maguire.
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