2016 was a huge year for celebrity break-ups. We saw the end of Brangelina, the dark side of Johnny Depp and a newly single Lady Gaga. All this Hollywood heartache has led to a new trend – the revenge body! Looking sexy after a split is as big of a requirement post-break-up as deleting Instagram pics of one’s ex. It’s just expected. Stars barely have time to nurse wounded pride and broken hearts these days. They need to focus on their outward appearances, and walk away from a relationship looking hotter than when they first started.
Some stars have gotten this message loud and clear. Miranda Lambert got super-svelte after her split from Blake Shelton. Ryan Philippe got buff after his engagement to beauty Paulina Slagter ended. That’s because revenge bodies are all about looking the part of the winner, no matter if the person was dumped, two-timed or blackmailed. However, some stars are slow learners and seem betwixt and between. They are stuck in the break-up rut and, worse still, look the part. Here are 15 big name stars that need to get on the revenge body bandwagon. They can thank us later.
15. Nicki Minaj
Nicki Minaj recently confirmed that she and Meek Mill broke up. There was speculation for quite some time that the two had called it quits, but it wasn’t confirmed until recently. While Nicki is the bigger of the two stars, many think that she didn’t come away from the breakup smelling like roses. Tongues have been wagging that Meek Mill couldn’t put up with her diva-like attitude. Although people love Minaj’s music, many find her to be unlikeable due to her bombastic lyrics and public feuds. So, she lost a lot of face when she couldn’t keep her man. Minaj is ultra-sensitive about her persona, because she’s really just a caricature. Thus, if Minaj wants to shape the public’s perception of her into something more positive, she needs to shake up her looks. Minaj has been running around looking like a Lady Gaga/Katy Perry spin-off for so long that she even has copycats – like Blac Chyna and Amber Rose. This means that her look has become irrelevant. If Minaj wants to keep people’s attention, then she has to pull a new trick out of her sleeve. Toning down her bodacious body would be a bold move. So would showing less skin. Even sporting a makeup-free look would be an option.
14. Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga finally started to be taken seriously as a person once she and Taylor Kinney became an item. The rumors of her being a hermaphrodite subsided, people saw her as more than a pop princess looking to make a career out of shock value, and she was able to showcase her other talents like acting. Kinney seemed to be a stabilizing force behind her. Now that the two are broken up, Gaga is right back where she left off. So what’s a girl to do? Cultivate a revenge body, of course! Splitting from Kinney has offered her the perfect opportunity to cultivate a new look. Now that her music is evolving into something more sophisticated, it’s time that her look did as well. And Kinney will be stuck with his gap-toothed grin, wondering how it is that he ever let her get away.
13. Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp has sported the hobo chic look for years, and it worked in his favor. That is, until Amber Heard exposed him as an abuser. Now, people look at his dark eyes, his messy hair and his unkempt clothing and just think how he reminds them of Charles Manson. If he ever wants to work in Hollywood again – or even hold his head up in public – then he has to rehab his appearance. Of course we want him to work on his inner self, but in an age when looks are everything, the thing that will make people accept him into their good graces again is to look the part of a saint.
If Depp wants a revenge body, then he’s going to have to fight for it. He’s going to have to lay off the booze to get back his muscle mass and the color in his face. Then, he’ll have to pay his barber a visit and get his long hair cut into an unassuming ‘do. Finally, Depp will have to trade his shabby chic rocker duds for some khakis and a flannel shirt; he’s a middle-aged father of two, and he needs to start dressing like one for the sake of his career.
12. Demi Lovato
Demi Lovato just can’t seem to get her act together. She always takes one step forward, and two steps back. A perfect case in point is her relationship with Wilmer Valderrama. Lovato got with him, and people thought that she had finally waved goodbye to her struggles with drugs, alcohol and insecurity. When the two got engaged, Lovato was able to use that move to prove to the world that she had made the transition from troubled teen star to mature young woman. But it was not to be, and the two broke up after six years together. Now, she’s right back to where she started. No one is taking her seriously, and they are laughing behind her back that Valderrama dropped her because he reminded her too much of his ex, trainwreck Lindsay Lohan.
Lovato needs to show Valderrama – and her fans – that she’s so much better than that. And in Hollywood, there’s only one way to demonstrate that you’re on top of the world: a revenge body. All Lovato has to do is go on a light exercise regime. People love to read about celebs’ healthy eating habits. Then, she’ll be able to flaunt her new body, and talk ad nauseam about how much healthier she is body, mind and soul. Then, the coup de tat will be hooking up with a new hottie.
11. Angelina Jolie
Brad Pitt debuted his revenge body at the Golden Globes. All he really did was show up clean shaven, but it was enough to remind the world of why it fell in love with him to begin with. He was poured into his tux, and was all smiles. His hair was combed just-so, his face was chiseled, and his light eyes sparkled. He got cheers from the audience, and from fans at home. So it looks like the worm has turned. Pitt is back in everyone’s good graces, and now his ex Angelina Jolie is the villain. What can we say? Hollywood is fickle and this change in public opinion is a great storyline to sell magazines.
Jolie has been looking haggard for some time. She’s skin and bones, and her eyes look dull. If she wants to ebb the flow of her being portrayed as a ruthless, manipulative piece of garbage, then she’d better start looking a little more fresh. The only way for her to get ahead of the negative press is to change her outward image. Unlike most revenge bodies, Jolie needs to put on some weight. After that, she can crack a smile, reduce her lip injections, and stop dressing like Morticia Adams when she’s not on the red carpet.
10. Tom Hiddleston
Tom Hiddleston’s career was really starting to take flight – until he dated Taylor Swift. Now, people only know him as one of her many men. Ouch! That doesn’t just hurt his ego, it hurts his career, too. What he needs to do is teach Swift a lesson. He needs to stand up and let her (and the world) know that he won’t be thrown away like trash. It’s been said that to live well is the best revenge, but the real revenge is to walk away looking like a million bucks.
Hiddleston has delicate European features, so we’re not expecting him to act alongside Joe Manganiello in the next Magic Mike. What Hiddleston needs to do is to embrace what God gave him. He needs to be dapper to a fault. He should be suited up at all times, lay on the British charm, and flex his intellect in interviews. If he does that, we are willing to bet that his relevance will last longer that Swift’s in Hollywood.
9. Kirsten Dunst
Kirsten Dunst is a has-been. So, this is exactly why she needs a revenge body – to get her back into the public’s consciousness. There’s nothing wrong with her body as it currently is, but if she were to really work it at the gym and style herself in a more vivacious way, then she could stick it to her ex, Garrett Hedland. That would get her a lot of press. Dunst would get a cover story on People magazine talking about her diet and exercise tips, and she’d have write ups in the tabloids about how she got her groove back following the end of a four year relationship. And if she was really smart, she’d hook up with her former co-star from Interview with the Vampire, Brad Pitt. A hot romance with a man she met as a little girl would get tongues wagging.
8. Joshua Jackson
Joshua Jackson is starring on The Affair, which is a steamy, multi-layered series on Showtime. However, many of its viewers find his acting only adequate and his looks the same old, same old from when he was on Dawson’s Creek. He has the same paunchy body, the same frumpy haircut and the same boring wardrobe. And now that he and German beauty Diane Kruger (right) have split, people are just seeing him as a mediocre guy. What he needs to do is revamp his look so that he can breathe new life into his career. Men have a harder time with revenge bodies than women do, because women can lean on clothing and makeup to do half the work. But if Jackson puts the pedal to the medal, he can get a body that will rival Channing Tatum’s, a hairstyle that will put David Beckham to shame, and will have more swagger than Justin Timberlake.
Rihanna has a black eye – and this time it isn’t from Chris Brown (yeah, we went there). It’s a metaphoric one from Drake. Rihanna totally snubbed him at the 2016 MTV Video Music Awards, so he responded in kind by dropping her like she was hot and making a play for Jennifer Lopez. What a dis! J. Lo is twice her age, with twice the clout. The only way for Rihanna to walk away from this unscathed is to flaunt her hotness.
The trouble for her is going to be how to execute it. Rihanna has dressed up in just about every manner from ghetto fabulous to bootylicious to old Hollywood glam. Her only option is taking an about-face and doing the unexpected – styling herself in a mature manner. When Madonna-mania was at fever pitch in the 80s, and the Material Girl’s fans were copying her mesh midriffs and moussed hair, Madonna threw a curve ball and debuted a demure look that got her loads of attention. Rihanna needs to do something similar. We’re thinking a dainty floral dress, a bun and flats should be her uniform for a while.
6. Bella Hadid
Bella Hadid needs a revenge body. Yes, you read that right. Her body may be almost perfect, but she has to amp things up if she doesn’t want to look like a loser now that The Weeknd has dropped her for Selena Gomez. Frankly, we think Hadid is better off without someone that can’t even spell his own nickname, but who are we to judge? Anyhow, Gomez is getting loads of publicity for her hot new romance, and Hadid needs to make sure that she isn’t overshadowed too much. For her revenge body, we recommend that Hadid do what she does best: flaunt it more! Her skirts need to be shorter, her necklines need to be deeper, her lips need to be plumper, and her breasts need to be bustier.
5. Kat Dennings
Kat Dennings needs a revenge body after her breakup from Josh Groban. No matter how amicable a split is, there’s always a winner and a loser and she should want to make it clear that she’s winning – and not in a wacked-out Charlie Sheen way. Having a revenge body will not only signal that Dennings is a force to be reckoned with out in the dating world, but it will put her in a great position to eclipse Beth Behrs as the pretty one on Two Broke Girls. It shouldn’t even be hard for Dennings to attain a revenge body – all she needs to do is watch an episode of Revenge Body with Khloe Kardashian on E! On the show, Kardashian helps average people change their lives by pairing them with personal trainers, nutritionists and so-called glam experts. It’s just up to Dennings how far she wants to take things.
4. Drew Barrymore
Drew Barrymore and her husband Will Kopelman divorced last year. Rumors for the uncoupling include the strain of parenting and Barrymore’s hippie ways. Fans have been sad for the actress because she’s been through so much turmoil in her life; they want her to find happiness. They are concerned that she will spiral out of control and become depressed, and maybe even turn back to drugs and alcohol to numb her pain. That’s not a far stretch considering how downtrodden Barrymore has been looking. So, she needs to pull herself up by her bootstraps and get herself together. That’s because a revenge body isn’t just about looking better – it’s about feeling better. Having a killer bod belies something more going on inside – wellness. Proper nutrition, exercise and mindfulness go part and parcel with a toned body.
3. Dakota Fanning
Dakota Fanning is another young star who had a recent breakup. She and model boyfriend Jamie Strachan broke up this fall, and ever since then she’s been looking worse for wear. She looks pale and emaciated, as if she’s a long lost relation of the Olsen twins. Her first step in getting a revenge body would be to take a long nap in the sun, followed by eating some carbs. That should give her some self-confidence to re-enter the dating scene, something that she has called “horrific.” Having a new look and being out on the town will also give her a career a much needed shot in the arm.
2. Cara Delevingne
Cara Delevingne and her lady love, Annie Clark (aka St. Vincent), split a few months ago. Delevingne has been partying with her former fling Amber Heard, and was spotted getting cozy with female model Adwoa Aboah. Meanwhile, people are seeing right through her front, and know that she’s mending a broken heart as Clark has been linked to Kristen Stewart. Delevingne looks like a total sad sack. She’s been even more sour looking than usual as she’s been walking around in sweats and not wearing makeup. Lesbian breakups are still uncharted territory for Hollywood, so all eyes are Delevingne. She needs to pull herself together and get strong. Sometimes it’s easier to mend on the outside than on the inside. Thus, she should focus her attention on a revenge body – if only for the sake of PR.
1. Mariah Carey
Mariah Carey needs a revenge body – pronto. Not only does she need to prove that she’s the winner in the break-up with her billionaire fiancé, but she needs to show the world that she isn’t washed up after her disastrous lip synching snafu on New Year’s Eve. The first thing Carey needs to do is update her look. She’s been rocking the long, honey-colored hair extensions for years. It’s time for a more modern style. Something shorter with layers would be perfect. Also, Carey should start dressing her age. We know she loves those hoochie-mama outfits, but if she really wants to take revenge then she needs to class it up. Only then will she be taken seriously.
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