No one said that parenting is easy, but that doesn’t mean we can’t criticize the way strangers raise their kids. Parenting is one of those things where almost everyone has an opinion. Most of us have parents around us, whether we have parents who raised us, we are parents ourselves or we know parents, we all have a little experience on parenting and that makes us all experts. You shouldn’t be carrying your baby like that. You shouldn’t let this little turd run around Walmart. You should probably have that thing tested. These are the kind of judgements we toss around on the regular. As earthly inhabitants, this is our right. Anytime someone parents a little differently from what you know and accept as normal, you look sideways at them.
Now sprinkle in a little celebrity eccentricity and you have some truly crazy parents. Almost all actors are a little odd. It’s part of what makes them special. Usually, we like to see them do weird things, but when they’re parents and they do weird things, everything changes. These people become monsters. It used to be that an actor could have a child and nothing would change. For some actors, that’s still the same. For others, however, having children completely changes them. Instead of acting, they become experts on childrearing, creating plans and schedules that make their children superior to the average baby. Often it starts by naming them something totally obscure like Golden Tee Golf, then knitting all their clothes from only naturally discarded lamb wool, and flicking drops of Chanel No. 5 into their milk to strengthen their bones and give them a rich person’s confidence. We average folk look critically on these practices. But we’re not wrong for doing this. The following list of crap that Hollywood parents do is quite strange. Here are 15 well-known actors who are disturbing parents.
15. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem
Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem practice what is called RIE parenting. The claim is that this practice shuns anything that “disrespects a baby,” but that doesn’t explain much. By disrespecting a baby, RIE parenting enthusiasts mean things that slowly help babies adjust to our world, things like sippy cups, walkers and high chairs. You’re thinking, that’s ridiculous. How is a baby supposed to walk before it crawls? Well, proponents will suggest that these methods work over time. Well, yeah. Kids will learn anything given enough time, but these items are designed to make the learning process easier and less messy. We fully believe that any child will learn how to drink out of a normal cup over time, but how many carpets do we have to go through in the meantime?
14. Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy
Felicity Huffman and husband William H. Macy, are some more celebrities, who, like Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem, practice RIE parenting, which is basically like treating your baby like an adult. It’s meant to foster a greater learning environment and more respect between the baby and child, but it just sounds weird to us. No lullabies, no soothers, no rocking to appease a crying baby. Basically, if your baby’s crying, you just let them go at it. If your kid wants to eat dinner at the table with the rest of the family, too bad because highchairs are forbidden and they’re too short to sit on a regular chair. We actually don’t know how this situation would be handled, but the kid probably has to stand up and eat. Huffman said, half-jokingly, “You know, in all honestly, I did not really enjoy them until they hit about seven or nine,” but she probably meant it. We would hate our kids too if we had to sit there and try to understand why they were crying every two minutes instead of just guessing and giving them a pacifier to ease them. They’re babies. They don’t know what’s going on. Stop pretending you do.
13. Alanis Morrisette
Alanis Morrisette may have played God in the film Dogma, but here in the real world, she’s just a normal person with abnormal parenting habits. The one that always ruffles people’s feathers is her breastfeeding. Morrisette breastfed her child until he was at least four, we can’t confirm or deny that this kid is still getting his milk from the source, but we hope we never see it. We don’t want to be all judgmental, but since we’ve dug out heels in, we might as well just go all in. You know how we know it’s weird that you’re still breastfeeding your kid? If you need to accompany them to school because your boob milk is for lunch, the kid is too old. Morrisette says that she will breastfeed as long as her son wants it. Great.
12. January Jones
January Jones, the beautiful actress from Mad Men, made headlines when she said she was practicing placentophagy, the act of eating your own placenta. Jones was very confident that the act was safe and beneficial because, she said, “I have a great doula who makes sure I’m eating well, with vitamins and teas, and with placenta capsulation. It’s something I was very hesitant about, but we’re the only mammals who don’t ingest our own placentas.” Sound reasoning. The issue here is that we have no idea of what her doula’s medical background is. Usually, if your doula had proper medical training, you would pronounce it “nurse” or “doctor.” A quick check of the scientific testing of placentophagy shows that we don’t have a proper understanding of the benefits or the harms. Just because your dog does it, doesn’t mean you should. Your dog will also try out its own feces if they like the aroma.
Who would have thought that Madonna would have grown up to be a strict parent? Her own loose morals as a young woman might have instilled a fear in her that her children would grow up to be like her, so she figured she would control every aspect of their lives. When her daughter, Lourdes, didn’t clean her room, the mother stated, “She has to earn all of her clothes back by being tidy, picking up things in her room, making her bed in the morning… She wears the same outfit every day to school until she learns her lesson.” When her son, Rocco, is at home he is not allowed to eat any sweets, dairy, salt or preservatives, as well as a number of animal products. So what does that leave him with? Well, Kabbalah-blessed water for one.
10. Gwyneth Paltrow
You might think Gwyneth Paltrow is an arrogant, pretentious snob, but you’d be wrong. Is it pretentious to only let your children watch TV in French or Spanish? Is it snobbish to only buy the children’s entertainment from Boulevard Beaumarchais in Paris? Is it arrogant to say that having “a regular job and be a mom is not as, of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set”? Oh, it is? Well, maybe we were wrong then. For Paltrow’s children, Apple and Moses, a meal consisting of kale chips and a brown rice stir-fry with a dessert of flax seed oil is just divine because mommy says so. But Paltrow isn’t about to say she’s a supermom who can do it on her own. She needs help from assistants and nannies. Oh, she doesn’t? She even has time to work out? Wow, she must be the greatest. But wait. Paltrow also thinks that shampoos cause autism and asthma? Ok, so she loses a couple of points there.
9. Pamela Anderson
Pamela Anderson was a star from a young age. She mostly practices what sounds like solid parenting, but when she said, “We want them to practice safe sex, drink and experiment with drugs in moderation, find true love,” people’s ears perked up. The issue was not that she was so relaxed about the whole experimentation thing but that the kids were only about 12 and 15 at the time. Still, it could be a lot worse. They could turn to coke and all the other drugs that their father consumed on stage in his younger years. Anderson suggests her kids had a solid foundation to build from, which is strange because we remember Tommy Lee being charged for kicking Anderson over when she was carrying their youngest child. The most insane thing is that Anderson has stated, “I am not afraid of my kids surfing the Internet.” Well, Pamela, considering you basically invented the sex tape, maybe you should be concerned about what your kids might find online…
Gisele and Tom Brady had a kid and everybody loved this baby because it had famous parents. Then news broke that this little baby was potty trained at six months old. People without any kids are like, amazing. Real parents are like, bullsh*t. According to Giselle, even though the baby couldn’t walk, he could do his business on a training toilet. How, you ask? Well, Giselle holds him over the toilet after he’s eaten. She says it only takes a few minutes, but we don’t believe a single word of that. When asked why she does things this way, Giselle says, “Diapers pollute the environment.” The model/actress also said this gem, “Some people here [in the U.S.] think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think, are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little? I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”
7. John Travolta and Kelly Preston
We’ve always known that John Travolta is a weird dude, but when he and Kelly Preston became parents, it became much more obvious. First, there was the fact that Jett, the two actors’ oldest and now, sadly, deceased son, had autism, but his parents were not allowed to admit it, discuss it or, apparently, even get him some assistance because their religion, Scientology, doesn’t believe in autism. Then there was the story of the children’s silent births, a birthing technique used by Scientologists that requires total silence in the birthing room, no talking and no screaming. This, in their minds, leads to more calm and relaxed babies: “I’m blessed,” Preston said, “my kids have always been amazing, calm and peaceful, happy. I absolutely know it’s pretty much because of that.” Yeah, sure it is Kelly. Sure it is.
6. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger
Divorce can be hard on a child, especially when you’re a celebrity and you air your dirty laundry all over the world. That’s what happened between Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin. Baldwin started the mess when he left a nasty voicemail on his daughter, Ireland’s phone saying, “You are a rude, thoughtless little pig. You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being… I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you’re a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about what you do as far as I’m concerned… Once again I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone.” Then, to make matters much, much worse, instead of dealing with this as adults, Basinger leaked this message to the media. That’ll show him you, moron.
5. Ryan O’Neal
When a child is 12, some parents take their kids to a sports event or an amusement park, but actor Ryan O’Neal took his daughter, actress Tatum (right) to an opium-fueled orgy. When Tatum became the youngest Oscar winner at age 10, instead of congratulating her, Ryan slapped her. When Ryan’s drug-dealer molested Tatum when she was a little girl, her father blamed her for “leading him on.” For years, these two have been going back and forth at each other, telling stories of their insane past. They were estranged for years when Farrah Fawcett (left) died. Ryan, who had been a one-time lover of Fawcett, was grieving at the funeral when Tatum approached him to give him a hug. Ryan, not recognizing his own daughter, hit on her. Not even getting into how gross that is, it looks like he was pretty torn up about Fawcett’s death.
4. Mayim Bialik
There’s a growing misconception out there that, because Mayim Bialik, the child star from the TV show Blossom and now on The Big Bang Theory, is both a parent and has a Ph.D., she must know what she’s talking about. You would think that by earning a doctorate in neuroscience, particularly focusing on the hypothalamic activity in patients with Prader–Willi syndrome, that Bialik would be an expert on parenting, but, it turns out, those two fields have absolutely nothing to do with each other. That’s like saying your family doctor could probably fix your motorcycle because he went to a fancy college. Bialik is an “attachment parenting” advocate. This is a parenting style that encourages you, among other things, to breastfeed your child as long as they want. It’s essentially urging you to do all the things we no longer do that separate us from other primates because “nature intended it to be that way.” Well, nature also intended us to defecate whenever and wherever we wanted, but we built toilets because we live in a society and no one wants to see you take a crap in public.
3. Alicia Silverstone
When something big happens in the world, we often reach out to find out what famous celebrities think of it all, like their opinion matters. We’ve come to accept this oddity of ours. That is part of why no one was surprised when Alicia Silverstone came out with a book on parenting. Silverstone, star of Clueless and high school graduate, decided that after raising her own children, she should probably help other people do the same. In her book, Silverstone preaches to not use diapers but, instead, let your little one go in the grass instead. Yep. Also, share a family bed and, of course, avoid all vaccinations. You know, whenever you’re feeling down in the dumps, just remember: there are real people out there taking parental advice on the medicinal value of a plant-based diet and the harms of medically tested and proven vaccinations from the actress who was in Excess Baggage. Oh, and she chewed up her son’s food and spit it into his mouth to feed him. Like a friggin’ bird.
2. Jenny McCarthy
Jenny McCarthy might be the worst thing to happen to children’s health since polio. After her son was diagnosed as having autism, McCarthy decided that she would blame vaccines. She didn’t just blame them quietly though. She used her money and her fame to spread the word out there to other misinformed parents. This caused a fear among them because people sometimes take the words of celebrities over medical professionals and scientific testing. Then something miraculous happened. McCarthy’s son was apparently “healed” of his autism, all thanks, of course, to the wonderful alternative healing methods administered by McCarthy. We won’t dig too deep into the fact that many people believe that McCarthy’s son was misdiagnosed in the first place, but McCarthy has since gone around passing on these unproven methods to other desperate parents. She is the disease.
1. Woody Allen
Of all the parents on this list, Woody Allen is by far the worst. No, he didn’t have weird parenting methods. He friggin’ married his step-daughter. People who side with Allen in this weird relationship, claim that Allen is not Soon-Yi’s biological father, that she was adopted and he was only a figurehead father. Hmm. Soon-Yi was adopted when she was about six. The relationship didn’t start, so they claim, until she was 19. That means that Woody was her adopted father, or at least pretended to be, for 13 years. Disgusting. The relationship was kept quiet from Allen’s long-time girlfriend and Soon-Yi’s adopted mother, Mia Farrow, for at least two years before it was found out. Farrow found nude photos of the young girl and brought it up with Allen. Stepfather and daughter then got together and stayed together. Gross.
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