We’ve all been there before, or at least most of us have anyway. You broke up with her and you’re totally happy about it. I mean, you’re really happy about it! But she just won’t leave you alone and let you go on with your life. This might not seem like that much of a big deal, but it truly is. The whole thing causes a couple of issues that simply cannot be denied.
First of all, if she keeps bugging you and telling you that she misses you, then one thing is going to happen. Sooner or later, you’re going to sleep with her. It might be because you’re drunk, or it might be because you’re bored, or maybe you’re having a moment of weakness, or — who knows? — maybe you even think it would be kind of funny. Either way, once you do this, she’s going to think you’re back together, and then you’re going to have to go through the whole process of dumping her all over again.
The other thing that might happen is that you might feel a little guilty about dumping her. Every day, she sends you mopey emails or text messages about how much she misses you. Sure, it’s kind of amusing, but after a while, it just gets dull. What you want is to break up with her and have her stay gone.
Here are 15 ways to dump her and have her not bother you anymore.
15. Trick Her Into Dumping You
You have to be a true pro to pull this one off, but it can be done. If you can do this and get away with it, then you’re a champion among men. Think about it. You can’t stand her, the sex is bad, and she bores you out of your mind. You’re starting to wonder if you even like her anymore. But with all of that said, you know if you end up dumping her, then she’s going to cause a huge scene and make your life miserable. So obviously, the best thing to do is manipulate her into thinking that she doesn’t like you anymore. Sure, that sounds hard, but is it, really? Think about it: you tricked her into falling in love with you in the first place; now, all you have to do is trick her into falling out of it. I know you can do it.
14. Tell Her It’s Because She’s Fat
Yes, I know that this is really mean, but you know what? Being mean in this situation is more than okay. The point of this whole thing is not to be super nice to her; the point of it is to dump her in a way that gets her to leave you alone. Now, I’m not suggesting that you say things to her in an overly rude way; just keep it simple. Just be like “Baby you know what? I’m going to have to break up with you because you’re totally overweight, and honestly, the whole thing just completely grosses me out.” That should definitely do the trick, and if it doesn’t, it will at least buy you a couple of months while she desperately diets and works out at the gym because she wants to get you back.
13. Cheat on Her a Lot
This is always a good one. It works out well for two reasons. For one, when you’re cheating on her, you’re going to get to do the deed with all sorts of different women; hopefully, a lot of them will be really hot. Secondly, once she finds out you’ve been cheating on her, she’s probably going to get totally aggro and never want to see you again, which is exactly what you wanted to happen in the first place. The timing also doesn’t matter much either way; either she catches you immediately, which then allows you to break up with her right away, or she doesn’t catch you for a long time, which then allows you to have an incredibly good time cheating on her. It’s a total win-win situation.
12. Tell Her You Love Someone Else
Alright, so this is a hard one, but let’s face it: pretty much all of them are. If it was easy to dump your girlfriend, then guys would be doing it every day. That’s the whole point: this stuff can be super hard to do. When you pull this one out, be prepared for a lot of crying and freaking out. Women just purely don’t want to hear that you prefer someone else to them, which is also why this is one of the absolute best ways to dump someone and have them leave you alone. The whole pride thing is a hard thing for women to get over, and when you tell her that you love someone else, whether you’re telling the truth or not, it’s pretty likely that she’s going to leave you alone… as long as you get out alive.
11. Tell Her You’re Gay
Alright, so maybe you might think this is a little embarrassing, and it’s something that you don’t think that you can do. Honestly, who really cares if you feel stupid doing this? Why would you be embarrassed in front of someone that you’re never going to see again for the rest of your life? And that’s the whole point of this, right? If you tell her that you’re gay, it’s almost kind in a way because she’s going to go through the rest of her life thinking that it has absolutely nothing to do with her at all and that it was simply a matter of your sexual orientation. Of course, none of it is true; you like chicks a lot, and, as a matter of fact, all of it has to do with her. I mean, come on… you can’t stand her!
10. Ghost Her
Back in the old days, we didn’t call this type of behavior “ghosting;” we just called it being smart. This is honestly the best way to break up with anyone. Even if you’re in a serious relationship or living with someone, then you can do it. Just tell her that you need a little time to yourself, and then never contact her again. This requires a bit of willpower. She’ll text you, email you, leave you phone messages, message you on social media… the list goes on and on. You have to ignore her completely and totally. Even one slip up can ruin the whole thing. Honestly, you have to be a ninja to pull this off. Guys that ghost women take a lot of grief. Not from me though; I give them all mad respect.
9. Tell Her You Hate Her Family
This particular act only works with a certain type of woman. A lot of chicks actually don’t like their family a whole lot, so if you do this with one of them, you might actually just wind up getting closer to her, and we all know that you don’t want that. But on the other hand, if she’s super close to her family and is thinking about marriage at some point, this is probably just about the best thing you could possibly say to her if you want to dump her. And don’t be shy either. Really get into how much her mom is a total pain, how her dad is a jerk, and so on. If she has a childhood pet that you can say that you can’t stand, then all the better. If played correctly, this routine is pretty much bombproof.
8. Break Up With Her By Text
This one is good; trust me on that. I once had a friend who sent his girlfriend a text that said, in its entirety, “U R Done” as a way to break up with her. Was that incredibly lame? It certainly was; there’s no doubt about it. Did it get the job done? Yeah, it did. Of course, she sent him a bunch of angry texts back, but the damage was done, which is exactly what he wanted. Even women that hardly have any pride can handle being treated this way. If a guy dumps you, that’s bad enough, but to dump you by text message is something that most women can’t deal with at all, not even a little bit. Since the goal is to not deal with these women at all anymore, that’s a good thing.
7. Do It or Try To With Her Sister
Alright, so I admit it: some of these are easier than others. I’m not saying that you can just do it with her sister anytime that you want to — unless of course, you’re Brad Pitt. And if you are Brad Pitt, it’s a good thing you’re reading this post. It might help you out with some issues. But in all seriousness, this is a super good mood if you never want to see her again. If you try and put some serious moves on her sister, you’re as good as gone, which is where you want to be. If you get away with it, then you tell your girlfriend yourself, and if you don’t, her sister is going to tell her what you tried to do. Either way, you’re out of the relationship in a way that doesn’t promote any further communication.
6. Date, or Try to Date, Her Best Friend
This is one to try after you make the initial move to dump her. You’ve told her that you don’t want to see her anymore, but she keeps hanging around and won’t leave you alone. Well, a really easy way to settle that whole situation is to just hit on her best friend. Call the best friend up and say something like “You know what this whole thing is about, don’t you? You and I have been into each other and just hiding it because of my ex.” This has two possible conclusions: one is that she falls for it and goes out with you; the other is that she goes running back to your ex to tell her what a creep you are. Either way, you won’t have to deal with your ex anymore, and that’s for certain.
5. Tell Her She Stinks in Bed
I know that this is harsh. I can already hear all the criticism directed my way. But the thing is, this isn’t a list called “15 Totally Nice Things to Say to Your Girlfriend;” this is a list about getting free and clear about the whole thing. Most women want to be understood and cherished as a person and not judged on other things, so if you just break it down that you really like her and she’s super cool but that you’re going to dump her because she stinks in bed, she’s going to leave you alone from then on — in part because she’s going to be really embarrassed but also because she thinks you’re a total jerk. Neither of these things matter, of course, because you aren’t going to be around anymore.
Ghosting is one thing, and as I stated elsewhere in this article, that can be extremely effective when you want to dump someone. You know what else can be effective, though? Moving away. Nothing says that you’re done with someone faster than just getting out of town. It pretty much gets rid of any thought in her mind that you might even possibly want to hang out with her again, and it also ensures that you won’t have a moment of weakness and go over and do a midnight booty call. Of course, this takes a big commitment; moving is expensive and starting over can be a drag, but sometimes, especially in more serious relationships, this is the only way to go.
3. Constantly Make Fun of Her On Social Media
You might not be aware of the fact that your girlfriend has any pride, and that’s understandable. After all, she is going out with you. But the thing is, she does — at least a little bit. So the one thing that pretty much ensures that she won’t bug you anymore is if you hit her pride in a place that will not even allow her to contact you. The best place to do that is on social media. Just put up numerous posts that are obviously about her without mentioning her by name and continually mention how much happier you are now than when the two of you were going out. After a few angry and similar posts of her own, she’ll fade off into the shadows, which is exactly where you want her to be.
2. Pretend That You Were Never Going Out in the First Place
This is an absolute classic. I only suggest you attempt this if you’re a true professional; if not, someone is going to get hurt, and it very likely is going to be you. In this scenario, you don’t actually break up with her at all. How could you? As far as you’re concerned, you were never going out in the first place; it was just a casual relationship. Not only that, but she’s obviously totally nuts that she thought things were more serious than they actually were. So unless you’re having a hard time following along, you guys were going out, and you know it; this is just a way to not only dump her but also do so in a way that makes her head explode. And it will explode, but when it does, you’ll be far away.
1. Keep Going Over For Booty Calls
This is the most fun way to dump a woman forever, but it’s also the way that takes the longest. Basically, you dump her, but then you go over a couple times a week for a booty call, thus making her think that maybe, you still like her. But then you refuse to do anything with her at all or even talk to her until the next time you want another booty call. If the woman in question has reasonable self-esteem, she’ll stop communicating with you in a matter of weeks or even days. If she has no self-esteem, something like this can go on for years, which, of course, is fun in one way, but don’t forget: you broke up with her for a reason, and it wasn’t so you could still hang out with her even if you are doing something rather fun at the moment.
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