The internet is a wonderful place where you can find the answer to any question you can think up. Chances are, you don’t even have to ask the question first. Somewhere out there, someone has already thought of the question, asked it, and had it answered. All you have to do now is find it. When it comes to film and television, we can learn everything we would ever want to know about our favorite shows, films and characters. But there is such a thing as too much information. Sometimes, having access to all the information in the world can backfire. We may learn things about the characters we love that we wish we didn’t. As they say, “ignorance is bliss.”
There are superfans for every show and every film you can think of. Superfans, at least in this context, are those who spend enormous amounts of time going through shows and films and tracking information about characters. This information, when collected and summed up, can be enlightening. It makes a character look incredible but it can also make a character look bad. Well, we decided to ruin some impressions and some days. We went out and collected statistics and evidence-based information on characters that will change the way you view them. Much of this information was found on Reddit’s TheyDidTheMath, a subreddit that often reveals the real-world and mathematical implications of a character’s actions. Here are 15 Loved Characters Who Are Actually Awful Humans (And The Facts To Prove It).
15. Jack Bauer
You know how the show 24 works. Each season takes place over one 24-hour period. There are nine seasons, so that’s about nine days. Got it? Good. So, some fans thought it would be neat to track the number of kills Jack Bauer, the star, has earned over the course of the show. Again, that’s only about nine days. Want to know how many people ol’ Jacky boy killed over that period? 309. Jack put 309 souls on a charter to hell. Are you thinking differently about Jack now? Regretting your decision to read more about him? Now, if you break it down by episode, Bauer’s killing about 1.5 people an hour. You may not think that’s so bad, especially since these are bad guys. But that average is really brought down by seasons one, three and Redemption (between seasons six and seven). When Bauer was at his worst, he killed more than 50 guys in a single day. It doesn’t matter who you are. That’s a lot of death on one man’s conscience. Was it necessary to kill every one of these people? How many had families? How many were forced into their situations?
14. The Flash
It’s not just the current TV show, The Flash, that has brought up this question. Many Flash fans have thought about the repercussions of such blazing speed in the past. What would happen, they ask, if the Flash actually picked you up going as fast as he does? Well, the folks at Reddit’s theydidthemath have answered that question. Since the Flash’s max speed is 2240000mph, a person picked up by the Flash would experience acceleration of about 3*1010 g. If you’re wondering what the effects of that would be, the answer is: Death. Very much death. Now, the comics do have a workaround for this. They created Speed Force, a magical force that protects the person in The Flash’s arms as he whips about.
13. Jim from The Office
It was a lot of fun watching Jim prank Dwight on The Office. We laughed when he made him look stupid because it was a comedy show and Jim was positioned as the hero, but shouldn’t we be concerned about the amount of bullying going on here? Dwight might be different but did he really deserve all the abuse he took? Just look at how much Jim invested into making Dwight’s life miserable. A fan sat down and worked out just how much Jim spent on the Dwight pranks and it’s shocking. In total, Jim spent about $6,000 in items needed for his pranks. If you add in the cost of repairing the damages to the hotels and office, the total is closer to $11,000.
12. Twins in Twins
One of the greatest films ever made is Twins. That’s a fact. But there’s a part in that film in which the heroes, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito, watch a man get hit in the head by a falling chain. This chain then continues to fall, revealing itself to be part of perhaps the longest chain in history. This thing is huge and the result is a massive pile of chains totally engulfing the human body underneath. After the final link falls, DeVito makes a joke about the guy having a lot on his mind. As hilarious as that joke is, the ease in which these two watch this man get smooshed into little bits is alarming. Some at Reddit did the math on how much weight was in that bundle of chains and it is about 2565 lbs. That weighs more than a Mazda Miata. Do you think they would be alright watching a car fall directly on that guy’s head?
11. Severus Snape
We all know that Severus Snape is a complex person. At first, there was a lot of hate for the guy, but then it turned out that he was just in love and was actually good all along. That’s great, but is it accurate? Apparently not, if you were just judging by how the points were awarded to the four Hogwarts houses. Think about Dumbledore. Now, ignore the fact that he was very clearly playing favorites the entire time—oh no, Gryffindor is down by 67 points. Better award them 68 points “for not getting sad about being down 67 points.” Dumbledore awarded 570 points in total throughout the books, making him the most generous in the school. Compare that with grouchy pants Snape. This man was not so generous. In fact, he seemed to enjoy taking points much more than awarding them. In total, he stole 287 hard-earned points. What kind of a person takes more points than they award?
10. Springfield Officials
The town of Springfield in The Simpsons is not a safe place to be. Sure, the town may look nice from the outside, but some fans decided to look deeper into the air quality and habits of the residents and it’s not a pretty picture. Let’s just forget about the intense amount of chemicals in the air and water given off by the nuclear power plant. Let’s forget about the 2009 study published in the Medical Journal of Australia that counted 795 smokers in 400 episodes, showing that smoking has taken over the town. Think about the officials in that town that have let the tire yard fire burn since 1961. There’s a real town called Centralia, Pennsylvania that has had an underground coal fire burning since 1962. It has since been abandoned because of the danger the fire and smoke brings. The town of Springfield has had a fire burning longer and it promotes the fact that the tire fire can be smelled in 46 states. The recent forest fires in the Western US that totalled about 65 major fires sent smoke 3,000 miles across the US, but only in specific areas. To be able to be smelled in 46 states, the tire fire smoke from Springfield must be choking in town. The residents likely don’t have much more time and the officials allowing it to burn might have an entire population of corpses on their consciences soon.
At the end of Dredd, the villain Ma-Ma is thrown from the window at the top of the building. We hear that the building is a kilometer high, about 200 stories. That’s a hell of a fall. Worse still is that Ma-Ma had taken the drug called Slo-Mo. That drug forces the user to experience time at 1% of the normal speed. So, assuming the drug lasted her entire fall, that means she experienced all 200 stories at 1% of time. How long of a fall was she forced to experience? The answer is horrifying. Ma-Ma would have felt like she was falling for approximately 34 minutes. Now that’s a slow death.
8. Jerry Seinfeld
If you were a Seinfeld fan, you know that Jerry was a major ladies’ man. He’s had a crazy number of partners during the nine-season run, but do you know how many partners he’s had exactly? The answer is 73. That’s 11 more than George and 23 more than Elaine. Kramer only had 27 partners. Now, we can’t confirm that Jerry was intimate with all 73 of these women, but we know that he was with many of them. But, does that make Jerry a bad person? Who are we to say that 73 partners is too many? Well, we aren’t judging the amount alone. Think about all those break-ups over tiny little flaws and minor things. Jerry isn’t particular. He’s a s*x-fiend. He was breaking up with women over small things just so he could get onto the next one.
7. Blanche from Golden Girls
If you thought Jerry Seinfeld was bad, wait until you hear this one. The women in Golden Girls were busy. They were said to be scandalous in the younger years and we watched them be scandalous as old-timers. Blanche (Rue McClanahan) is the worst of them all, or the best, depending on how you look at it. Listen, we’re all for people doing what makes them happy, but there is such a thing as too much. Even though, in the series, Blanche says that she has only had 144 partners—that’s right, only 144, a number just shy of twice as many as Jerry Seinfeld—her actual number is 165. So, where did she get 144 from? Maybe that’s all the men she was intimate with. Either way, that’s a lot of dudes. The other women in the group have a lot as well, but not nearly as many as Blanche. Dorothy has 43, Rose has 30, and Sophia has 25. Hey, we don’t want to suggest that being with that many people makes you a bad person, but do you really believe that Blanche is being honest with her new partners? We doubt it.
6. The Avengers
When Spider-Man: Homecoming was released, we were confronted with a pretty sobering reality. The Avengers have a pretty good financial setup. They destroy the city and then they get paid to clean it up. But, the question is, how much damage did they really do? Well, Kinetic Analysis Corp. has the answer. According to them, the amount of damage caused during the fight with the Chitauri in The Avengers would cost about $60 to $70 billion. That’s a big number. Then, add in the cleanup costs of about $90 billion, money that went to the newly formed Department of Damage Control, and you have the most expensive disaster in history. So not only are these heroes bankrupting the nation, they’re getting filthy rich off it as well.
5. Joey the Mooch
Maybe you were living under a rock. Maybe you weren’t aware that Friends had a long-running joke about Chandler paying for everything in Joey’s life. At one point, Joey decides that he wants to pay back Chandler for all he has done for him. After all, Chandler’s been paying for Joey’s rent, utilities, groceries, dates, coffee, personal items and more. When he tries to make good on his debt, he backs out after he learns (in secret) the total debt he’s accrued. He scoffed at it, but Joey is a mooch and it’s time he’s held accountable for it. Well, one die-hard fan figured out what that number was. The fan went through and estimated the 3-year debt and the number is more than $120,000. So Chandler = good guy. Joey = bad guy.
4. The People of Mallrats
Remember William in Mallrats? He was the guy who spent the entire film looking at that Magic Eye picture and couldn’t figure out what the hidden image was. Well, we now know that it wasn’t his fault. He just didn’t know what he was part of one of the most elaborate pranks in mall history. Every person who stepped up to that picture was in on the joke and they’re all going to hell for it. There wasn’t a sailboat in the picture. That’s just what they all told William. We know this because a fan decided to check. By laying a copy of the fuzzy image over itself, you can essentially recreate the effect of slightly crossing your eyes, a quick way to see the hidden image. This method revealed that the image was nothing more than various shapes, stars, circles and crosses. Poor William. How could he have expected that every person who stepped up was a terrible person? No wonder he joined a white supremacist group. Relax, it’s just a prank bro.
Mulan gets a lot of love for being a different kind of Disney princess, but there’s a lot of blood on those crossdressing hands. Chances are, you know how the film goes. Mulan fights an army of the Huns, 2,000 of them to be exact. To overcome such a great force, Mulan shoots a rocket into the mountain, creating an avalanche which kills nearly the entire force. There are six Huns who survive. But Mulan didn’t want to finish on a nice round number like 1,994, so she went and offed another one of the survivors. This left her final kill count at 1,995. That’s an astounding number of dead bodies on one person. Should we really be celebrating a person with this high of a kill count?
2. James Bond
Maybe you’re one of those that believe that 007 is a codename given to all the different James Bond characters and each one is a different man. Well, we’re not going to go with that theory right now. We’re going to assume that Bond is the same man throughout the franchise. So we asked, how many people has Bond killed? Most kill counts for Bond have him at about 362 prior to Spectre, a film that added another 32 kills. So, by our math, that has Bond at 394 confirmed on-screen kills. You might be thinking that’s too much for one man to handle, but you’ve got to think, Bond also drinks about 92 units of alcohol per week. Since most doctors suggest that drinking more than 14 units per week is unhealthy, we’re thinking Bond is far too drunk, and dying from alcoholism to care about all those children he’s orphaned.
The Simpsons have been around for a long time and have kept some of their running gags intact for much of that time. One of the most enduring of these gags is Homer choking Bart. Now, the people of Springfield get away with a lot and the Simpsons even more, but has anyone ever thought about how much child abuse has gone on in that household? At least one fan has. This superfan went through and counted all the times Homer choked Bart. He found 53 instances throughout the primary episodes and seven more in segments and shorts. That’s 60 times Homer has choked Bart. Now, what’s even more shocking is that this number seems a bit low. We bet you thought so too. Homer is actually less of a child-beater than we believed. But, since he followed through on so many chokes, all Homer had to say is, “why you little,” and the same effect would be achieved. Homer had the physical and verbal abuse system mastered.
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