“It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean.”
“It’s not how big it is, it’s how you use it.”
“Don’t want no short, short man.”
When it comes to size–and no, we aren’t talking about height–there are a lot of conflicting messages out there. The internet and social media have only confounded the issue. The gist of these studies comes down to this: if you’re packing anything smaller than Shaq’s forearm, not only are you below average, but you’ll never be able to satisfy a woman. And if, by some fluke, you actually get a girlfriend, she’ll leave you the minute she finds a “real man.” So if you want to avoid a life of loneliness and depression, you’d better start taking these pills.
Deep down, we know this kind of nonsense isn’t true and that plenty of men of all shapes and sizes have maintained happy and fulfilling relationships. Indeed, female adult film stars have stated in interviews that they get more pleasure knocking boots with average dudes in real life than with their horse-like co-stars on camera.
Having said that, we’d be remiss if we didn’t acknowledge that for a small sliver of the female population, Mr. Average (or below) just won’t cut it. For instance, here are 15 hot AF female celebrities who only date the “big boys.”
15 Katy Perry
To our knowledge, Katy Perry has never come right out and acknowledged that she abides by the “bigger is better” mantra. But a quick glance at her dating history offers a pretty good indication. For instance, she had a well-publicized romance with John Mayer. I know the dude plays a mean guitar and writes sentimental lyrics that stand in stark contrast to his lecherous lifestyle, but let’s cut the nonsense. John Mayer runs through Hollywood hotties like a knife through hot butter for one reason—he brings the thunder down under. Then, there was Katy’s marriage to Russell Brand, who’s slept with (what?) like a million women, a feat rarely accomplished by dudes not wielding powerful staffs. It’s clear that Katy’s partial to the big fellas.
Ever wonder why Rihanna, after suffering brutal domestic abuse at the hands of Chris Brown, agreed to link back up with him and record an album together a couple of years later? No, it isn’t because when you put Chris Brown and Rihanna in a room together, you’re guaranteed to get some hits (ba-dum-ching!). The reason was revealed in an unclothed photo of Brown that leaked onto the internet. The picture showed some more-than-impressive proportions in a certain bodily region. And at the time the photo was taken, Brown wasn’t even in a state of excitement. Okay, so maybe it’s just a coincidence that Rihanna forgave Brown, and he just happens to be packing. Not likely, considering this quote from Rihanna on what she looks for in a man, “He has to be good in bed – and the size matters.”
13 Missy Elliott
Who doesn’t love Missy Elliott’s iconic 2002 hit “Work It,” which featured this memorable line: “If you got a big (elephant noise), let me search it.” You think it’s a coincidence that she chose an elephant of all animals to represent the noun modified by the adjective “big?” Missy, already known as a size queen when the song was recorded, was letting it be known that she wants a dude so big she’s gotta search it... not search for it. Being a female rapper, she’s in luck, assuming that her male counterparts are being truthful in their interminable procession of songs that reference large anatomies and Magnum c*ndoms. Work it, girl!
12 Pamela Anderson
Pamela Anderson was such an object of desire in ‘90s that she even inspired a moniker, Pamela “Hand”erson, to describe men pleasuring themselves while imagining her. Of the dudes lucky enough to get a turn with her in real life, most of whom that we know about are definitely “big boys.” There was Tommy Lee (not a whole lot else really needs to be said about that one). She also had a caught-on-camera tryst with Bret Michaels. Although he didn’t measure up to Tommy, he had nothing to hang his head in shame about. Then, Pam married Rick Salomon, of Paris Hilton tape fame, not once but twice. Anyone who saw that video could see, even through the ugly green night vision hue that sheathed their encounter, that Rick isn’t a small dude.
11 Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian rose to prominence with a leaked video showing her knocking boots, and she used the exposure to catapult herself straight to the A-list. The guy in the video was rapper Ray J, brother of the much more famous and talented artist, Brandy. Like most famous men who have unclothed photos or videos “leak,” Ray J is extremely well-proportioned in a certain area. Kim later married NBA player Kris Humphries. To our knowledge, no one has done a “meat inspection” on Humphries, and no compromising photos of him have found their way onto the internet. But the guy is like eight feet tall and broad as a barn door. I know studies have proven false all the myths that correlate various body part sizes, but come on, there has to be some degree of proportion.
10 Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson saved the big “V” for her wedding night with Nick Lachey. She later had this to say about their first foray between the sheets, “Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes. Like the first time we [knocked boots], I didn’t really feel much. I faked the whole thing. I really felt sorry for him. I still loved him, though.” What she didn’t mention in the interview is why she finally ended up leaving him. According to rumors that circulated at the time, an affair with another celebrity—allegedly, her Dukes of Hazzard co-star, Johnny Knoxville—made her realize what she’d been missing in a man. Although unsubstantiated to this day, the rumors got a credibility boost with her next dating move. None other than John Mayer.
9 Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton wasn’t the first celebrity to film an intimate encounter and have it leaked to the public. The Pam and Tommy tape had been out for nearly a decade before the tryst between Paris and Rick Salomon hit the internet. But Paris, to our knowledge, is the first person who went from non-celebrity to celebrity solely because of a raunchy video. Sure, everyone knew who the Hilton family was, but no one was talking about Paris before 2004. And then, overnight, she was a household name despite having no accomplishments to her name aside from getting down and dirty while a camera was rolling. If you saw the tape–in other words, if you were alive and owned a computer in 2004–you learned a couple of things. One, that night vision camera technology still had a long way to go at the time. Also, that Rick got some good genes from his father.
8 Jennifer Aniston
Apart from being hot, Jennifer Aniston is perhaps best regarded as the quintessential girl next door. That’s a characteristic most would agree is wholly incompatible with being a size queen. But, a source back in 2008 revealed that Aniston, despite her good girl persona, likes ‘em big. Do we even have to say who Jen was dating at the time? If you have an IQ above zero, you probably already know. But for you Alabama fans, it was John Mayer. According to the source, Jen was “so happy and giggly” with Mayer, something the source had never seen in her previous relationships, even when she was married to the best-looking man alive, Brad Pitt. Pitt and his replacement wife, Angelina Jolie, were conceiving and adopting babies left and right, but Jen, in spite of her well-publicized yearning for children, seemed oblivious to the whole thing while she was with Mayer. The source’s explanation: she was under the spell of Mayer’s magic wand!
7 Taylor Swift
By Taylor Swift’s own admission, she has a “long list of ex-lovers.” And when it comes to their male endowments, most of them skew to the right tail of the bell curve. For starters, a bit of confusion exists over who T-Swift lost the big “V” to. Some say it was (do we have to bring up this guy again? Yes, we do) John Mayer. Others argue that it was Jake Gyllenhaal, who probably doesn’t have Mayer-like proportions but, according to groupies, has nothing to be ashamed about. Her longest relationship was with Calvin Harris. Unclothed pictures of the famous DJ made their way through the dark web a couple of years back, even making it as far as TMZ. The gossip site, fearing a lawsuit from Harris, elected not to publish the photos. But they were frank in their assessment of them, saying that Harris packs “serious heat.”
The world’s highest-paid singer, Beyonce has talent, brains, and beauty to spare. Pull a random dude off the street and ask him which 10 female celebs he’d most like to knock boots with, and we’d bet the farm Beyonce would be on his list. So then, why is she married to a dude who, despite being talented and rich, was absent from class the day they passed out the genes for good looks? Sure, it’d make sense if a non-rich, non-famous hot chick overlooked looks to be with a rich and famous man. But, Beyonce could be with literally any dude she wanted, so why not choose one who’s the total package, like The Rock? Apparently, it’s because hubby Jay-Z also has the “total package,” just in a different way. In the words of one groupie, the rap mogul is “so well-endowed it’s scary.”
5 Sarah Silverman
Sarah Silverman is primarily known for being funny, at least before her public proclamation that she was taking her comedy the PC route in the era of social justice warriors and perpetually offended snowflakes. But she wasn’t laughing or joking when asked in an interview whether a man’s proportions were important in a relationship. Her answer was, “Does size matter? Yes. My rabbi sister is going to kill me about this, but even she said that if her husband [wasn’t equipped with serious heat] they would just be friends. Next question.” And just like that, she put the topic to rest. She also once joked in a stand-up routine that her then-beau, Jimmy Kimmel, was lacking in the pants. However, she quickly amended her statement to note that, in actuality, it was just that his oversize beans made the frank look small in comparison.
Fergie is married to Josh Duhamel. He was a fashion model before he was an actor, so you know he’s never had a problem pulling fine chicks with his looks. But according to his wife, it wasn’t his prepossessing nature that reeled her in. In fact, before Duhamel, Fergie wasn’t even 100 percent committed to liking dudes. She was also into chicks. She had this to say about her orientation, “I think women are beautiful. I’ve had a lot of fun with women, and I’m not ashamed of it. The problem is that I also love a well-endowed man.” Not just any man. Not a good-looking man. Not a rich man. Not a nice man who treats her well. But a well-endowed man. Given that her marriage has been going strong nearly a decade, we’re guessing she found what she was looking for in Josh.
3 Lil’ Kim
While many female celebs have offered their opinions on the male anatomy and their preferences so regarding, few have issued actual numerical parameters for what is and isn’t acceptable. Count Lil’ Kim among that select group. She was blunt in her assessment, “Under seven inches, eh! I don’t think so!” Now’s the time to reach into our brain recesses and dig out what we learned in that college stats class about probability and the bell curve. Most studies peg average length at about 5.5 inches with a standard deviation of less than an inch. Given a normal distribution, which we have no reason to believe doesn’t exist, that means when it comes to Lil’ Kim, fewer than one in 10 dudes are “tall” enough to ride the ride. So if you ever make it into bed with her, consider yourself gifted in a certain area.
2 Victoria Beckham
We’ve all seen the David Beckham underwear photos. Unless the guy is stuffing with socks, it’s pretty clear he’s armed with some heavy artillery. His wife, Victoria Beckham, has more than once corroborated what’s readily apparent in the photos, saying her husband’s endowment is “25 foot tall.” (We wonder how many standard deviations that is from the 5.5-inch mean.) She elaborates to say this, “It’s great. It’s enormous. Massive. If I looked like that, I’d walk down the street in my panties, too.” It’s kind of not fair that a guy like Beckham who has so many things going for him—looks, money, talent, athleticism—is also packing. I mean, how are mere mortals supposed to compete? Someone like Ron Jeremy, on the other hand. Now that’s fair.
1 Nicki Minaj
I don’t know what it is about female rappers, but if you’re a guy who’s packing average thunder or below, you probably just want to steer clear of them and save yourself the humiliation. Last on our list is Nicki Minaj. She once recorded a song called “Anaconda.” For those unaware, an anaconda is a type of snake particularly known for its impressive length and girth. Here’s a sample lyric from the song, “This dude named Michael used to ride motorcycles. [Male anatomy] bigger than a tower, I ain’t talking about Eiffel’s.” It’s pretty clear that when Nicki is in the market for real estate, she’s looking for a skyscraper and not a tiny house. Fellas, you have been warned.