As a society, we have to accept that things have changed and there are probably a lot of us who wish that it could be undone. In today’s fame-obsessed world, being known is the accomplishment that many people most want to attain, even if they’ve done little to nothing to deserve it. While there have been past celebrities like Paris Hilton or The Duggar Family who’ve managed to become known entities for no good reason, there is one family that is the symbol of this phenomenon. Of course, we are talking about the Kardashian Clan, a group that seems willing to do pretty much anything they can to receive that sweet, sweet attention that means everything to them. Individual members of this seemingly omnipresent crew may have a few things to boast about, but these people as a group are celebrities because they are famous, which seems like a snake eating itself.
One of the major side effects of fame is that people pay attention to everything you do and say, and while that may be a good thing in the case of some, the Kardashians aren’t exactly rocket scientists. Known to say nonsensical things regularly, their seeming lack of the ability to think things through before uttering them for the world to digest is just one aspect of what makes their quotes crazy. They have also lived a life of great means which causes their thoughts on the world to be incredibly insular in nature which makes having a laugh at their expense very easy at times. That is what inspired us to put together this list of the 15 Kardashian quotes that make us cry laughing.
The rules for the possible inclusion of a quote on this list are very straight forward and extremely obvious, it has to be something that was said by a Kardashian and is funny for any reason. What may not be as clear though, is who all qualifies as a member of the Kardashian family for the purposes of this list. There are the most obvious members like the three Kardashian sisters, their brother, mother, the Jenner sisters, and Caitlyn Jenner. We’ve also chosen to include Kanye West as a member of the family as he is married to Kim and has seemingly been fully indoctrinated into the culture of the family. The final person we are including is Scott Disick who married Kourtney in 2006.
15. “Don’t go into the ocean while on your period because a shark is going to attack you.”
Remember when you were a kid and you heard all of these crazy wives tales about how your eyes would stick that way if they were crossed for too long or not to eat before swimming? Of course, you do but then you in all likelihood grew up and realized how silly such thoughts were and had yourself a good laugh that you ever bought into them, right? Well, if your name is Khloe Kardashian you still managed to fully buy into something pre-teens tell one another long before they have any understanding of how the world actually works. Warning someone against going into the water during a period, she actually said; “Don’t go into the ocean while on your period because a shark is going to attack you.” While some scientists believe that it could be plausible that sharks are attracted to blood, there is no concrete evidence of it. Furthermore, the odds of being killed by a shark are so low, 1 in 3,748,067, that worrying about it unless they are around is silly.
14. “Oh great, now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”
We all know it, famous people have issues of their own to deal with, for instance, their lack of privacy, but in general, their lives are a whole lot easier than the rest of us. As a result of that, the problems that some of them have to cope with are pretty laughable to those of us who have real stresses in our lives. There is nobody that we can think of that better exemplifies that idea than Kanye West as evidenced by these words that actually came out of his mouth. Complaining during an interview, he said this; “I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me, like oh great, now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.” If your life is so simple that you actually hate it when you are put in charge of a water bottle then you are an out of touch and weird person. Aside from that, though, just leave the bottle on the tray and everything will be fine.
13. “If I was a man, I would want to know what it’s like to have s*x with myself.”
Most of us are probably at least somewhat curious about what it feels like to be the opposite gender. We may be curious about how differently society would treat us but we also have to admit that the sexual side of things is definitely intriguing. Still, we probably wouldn’t admit to millions of people that we’d want to do things to ourselves but when Kim spoke about what she’d do if she could be a man she did so in a surprisingly graphic manner. “If I was a man, I would want to know what it’s like to have sex with myself. I would just want to know what it would feel like hitting it from the back.” Well, that is blunt and awfully revealing.
12. “She used to whip her b*obs out for no reason.”
Considering that the Kardashians first came to prominence in large part due to the attention that a sex tape that Kim appeared in, it should come as no surprise that sexuality is their bread and butter. With all of the female members of the family routinely appearing in photoshoots where they wear little to no clothes, it makes sense that they would be free with their bodies around one another. Still, when Khloe called out Kourtney for her tendency to unsheathe her breasts regularly it was amazing and hilarious. The fact that she said the following words about her own sister is epic; “Wow, my sister has changed. She used to whip her boobs out for no reason. Now she does it to feed her child.”
11. “Kim is in for the night, which means so is my… “
While we prefer more intelligent humor, we aren’t above having a good laugh at a crass remark from time to time which is why this quote made our list. A line actually said by Scott Disick in response to getting some now that Kim was absent, he said this; “Kim is in for the night, which means so is my p*nis.” While there is an utter lack of subtlety here, we have to admit that this is an occurrence where we are laughing with a member of the Kardashian crew instead of at them. In fact, we didn’t even realize that was possible before we read this quote.
10. “Stop taking pictures of yourself. Your sister’s going to jail.”
There are certain things that should be sobering for all involved. For instance, if you are at the scene when your sister has been caught driving while under the influence and is likely about to go to jail, you really should be concerned with her horrible choices. Instead, Kim unsurprisingly is so self-obsessed that this type of occasion struck her as the right time to take a selfie. That’s right. Kim was more interested in the angle of her photo than her sister’s situation. With Kris Jenner, Kim’s mom, present at least someone tried to put her in her place by saying to Kim, “would you stop taking pictures of yourself? Your sister’s going to jail.” That really isn’t something that should need to be said.
9. “Everyone around me, we’re all just realizing things.”
New Year’s resolutions are often a silly practice that isn’t taken seriously by those making them or those that they are uttered to. However, when you are a young celebrity who is desperate to be taken seriously, your desire but inability to come up with something deep to say can be outstanding. Speaking directly to her fans at the end of 2015, Kylie Jenner waxed poetic and said this “I feel like every year has a new energy. And I feel like this year is really about like, the year of realizing stuff… Everyone around me, we’re all just realizing things.” What the hell does that even mean? Even some of her fans mocked her in response to this silly statement which is when you know that your words went amusingly wrong.
8. “You were number 2 on the dumbest people list.”
Many people get a bit big for their britches from time to time and when they begin to brag, having someone around to bring them back down to Earth is always a good thing. When you are Kim Kardashian and you think very highly of yourself those boasts will be a lot bigger so the carpet needs to be pulled out even harder. So when she said, “Yesterday I was the top AOL search for the whole week” to her sister, her response was pretty harsh. Swiftly retorting, Kourtney asked, “Do you also know you were number 2 on the dumbest people list from the New York Post?” That is just hilarious! After this quote, Kourtney might be our favorite.
7. “He spit up in my mouth, and I loved it.”
Or maybe she’s not… Alicia Silverstone was recently at the center of some controversy after footage of her feeding her child with her mouth went viral but Kourtney seems primed to do the opposite. Recounting a time when her child vomited , she said this, “I remember one day I was kissing Mason and he spit up in my mouth, and I loved it.” There are plenty of parents who can relate to their child throwing up on them, even directly into their mouth, but most speak about it like it was an unfortunate event. In this case of a celebrity happily recalling such an event we’re laughing through our confusion at how gross that is.
6. “I am a proud non-reader of books.”
There is a common phrase out there about ignorance being bliss but it isn’t actually meant to be advising people to willfully avoid learning or expanding their minds. You’d really think that someone like Kanye West, who routinely boastfully compares himself to the great thinkers, would be interested in reading in order to take in other people’s point of views, but nope.
Instead, he has disdain for those who write novels as evidenced by this quote, “Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.” While the idea of being against books or those that are self-absorbed when you are the definition of that term is funny, that is not our favorite part of this quote. We just can’t stop laughing while envisioning an excited Kanye trying to get an autograph from a book and hating them after their inability to do so makes him feel spurned.
5. “Adults don’t think it’s their place to interfere with kids. I interfere all the time.”
We’ve all seen sitcoms or comedy movies where an everyday parent is forced to interact with the kids of other parents that don’t believe in stifling any of their child’s instincts. While we assume that this idea wasn’t invented out of nowhere and there are people who actually believe that, even those people seem to at least try to guide their kids as far as we can tell. However, evidently, if you ask Khloe there are a lot more adults out there that think that kids should be treated like free range animals that we all allow to do whatever they want. Of course, we all know that isn’t the case and that kids have lots of rules which is why we chuckled when we read a particular quote of hers. “A lot of adults don’t think it’s their place to interfere with kids. I interfere all the time.” She really isn’t breaking any ground like she seems to think.
4. “My style’s edgy but comfortable.”
We’re not sure if Kendall Jenner is familiar with the concept of a contradiction or not but she clearly has no issue with uttering them in reference to herself. When asked about the type of clothes she prefers, she said this, “I guess my style’s a little edgy but comfortable. I like being comfortable, for sure, and kind of casual.” So, she thinks that her style is edgy but can still be called comfortable and casual? While we can’t say that we’re entirely shocked she doesn’t get that those two concepts are mutually exclusive, we are happy to have had a chuckle at the silliness of the idea.
3. “She’s 18 [and has cancer]… That’s how I feel.”
We already discussed how Kanye’s idea of a problem is ludicrous and we’re hoping by now that it won’t surprise you in the least that his wife is similar in that regard. After all, it would take some real gull to be someone who has lived as charmed a life as she has and then actually compare how hard your life is to that of a child with cancer but Kim did just that. If she’d said that it made her realize that her problems were paltry in comparison that would be one thing but that is not what happened here. “I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.” If you have your health, both physically and mentally, then compare your trials and tribulations to a child cancer patient there is something laughably wrong happening.
2. “My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in.”
Whatever you want to say about Kanye West there is one thing that you have to give him above the other members of this famous family, he actually did something to become famous. One of the most praised rappers in the game over the years, he has sold millions of albums in his genre of choice and owes the bulk of his fame and finances to that genre of music. We, therefore, assumed he’d have love for rap music and would stick up for it at every chance but we turned out to be wrong. So much so that he actually said this “I don’t even listen to rap. My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in.” Let’s get this straight, Kanye West, a famous rapper, thinks that you shouldn’t listen to rap if you live in a nice home? What an idiot.
1. “South is so stupid. It’s the stupidest thing ever.”
We have to admit it, when it was revealed that Kim and Kanye actually named their child North West we were amazed that they played into the joke and maybe were even a little bit impressed. Was it possible that they actually have a sense of humor and chose a fun and amusing name for their kid? Of course not, they clearly thought they were geniuses for coming up with a name that the rest of us sarcastically said as a joke. Even worse, though, it appears that Kim felt strongly about the direction they chose as their child’s first name as the other option would have just been ridiculous, obviously. While discussing her child’s name, she said this “North has a better direction. I don’t think we’ll go with another direction. I think South is so stupid. It’s the stupidest thing ever.” We have to ask, how in the hell is a direction stupid? Does that mean that she dislikes traveling to the south? Can an adult human being actually think a direction is stupid?
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