Whether or not you believe in the phenomenon of "beta males," it makes for some pretty hilarious internet reading. The best examples can be found in places like Reddit, where self-admitted betas go online and confess their most cringe-worthy stories. These stories will fill you with pity, make you laugh, and you better believe they'll make you cringe. But do beta males even exist? We can see them in the animal kingdom, that's for sure. In the wolf pack, for example, there is a strict hierarchy with the alpha male reigning supreme over the other males. But do humans follow the same pattern? Many people dismiss this notion as pseudo-science. But I'm sure every one of us can think of a guy who fits the "beta male" mold.
But just what constitutes a beta male? Usually, beta males are seen as weak, effeminate, possibly short, and above all, completely hopeless with the ladies. The term "friend zone" is also commonly associated with so-called beta males, and a lot of these stories revolve around guys being doomed to the dreaded friend zone by girls they have feelings for. Truth be told, a lot of these stories are actually pretty sad. But a fair few of the guys making these confessions have the good spirit to maintain a sense of humor throughout, and can look back at these moments with a sigh and a smile.
Try not to cringe as you read these beta male confessions from Reddit. Just a warning though – this might trigger some memories of when you too were a beta male...
15 Her Never Did Learn How To Talk To Women
This self-confessed beta male tells a pretty grim story about how never really learned how to talk to women. Sure, he tried his luck multiple times, but all he really got out of it were some seriously cringe-worthy stories to talk about on the internet. In many ways, this man is a legend. He went "full beta" in so many ways, but at least he has the honesty and decency to own up to it. Maybe now he's trying different, newer techniques with better luck. Or he's failing just as hard as he did before...
This beta confessed, "I struggled to talk to girls effectively all my life. Making progress to me was giving girls compliment after compliment, telling them stuff like 'Not even Kim Kardashian can compare with you.' Really beta, I know, and recalling it makes me cringe. First dance I went to when I was 14 was a complete catastrophe. I was able to [dance] with a few girls who I'm sure only pitied me but I spent the better part of the night walking around, afraid to ask any girls to dance with me."
14 He Tried To Sing To Her
The thing about these so-called "beta males" is that they tend to try way too hard. Not many women actually like the constant gifts, chocolates, and other ways to try to win them over. But beta males don't really know this, and make some pretty huge mistakes because of this. This one guy in particular even admitted to singing to his girlfriend on the phone! But hey, we all make those rookie mistakes once in a while, right? Well, maybe we didn't go as far as this guy did, but at least most of us can somewhat relate...
His story is so embarrassing: "I started dating this girl and doing all the things you'd expect a typical beta to do: buying her chocolates every chance I got, singing to her over the phone (cringe), buying her credit for her phone, buying her lunch even when she had her own money and sending her seriously long texts about how much I would always love her. Even though she was ugly as hell I'd tell her she was the beautiful girl ever."
13 He Caught His GF Cheating... And Hugged Her Afterward
Cheating is unfortunately pretty common in today's day and age. Men and women of all types, ages and personalities can get cheated on. It's just something you have to deal with. That's the key here. Someone cheating on you is a sign of total, unmistakable disrespect. I'm not saying you have to break up with them, but one thing you shouldn't do is "let it slide." Most people would end the relationship right then and there, but this self-confessed beta actually hugged his girlfriend, and was ready to forgive her at the drop of a hat...
His cheating story is as follows: "There was a guy my GF had started hanging out with a lot lately. She mentioned that he had come over there to her apartment. She wanted to be able to hook up with other guys, with no strings attached. I knocked lightly on the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. For a few minutes she kept telling me to go away. She knew she had been caught. I walked back to my car and just started bawling. I started to text her. I told her I was in my car, and she told me to come in. She had figured out a way to sneak him out. The things she usually kept sitting in front of the basement door where not quite in their usual place. I walked over to her and embraced her. I was so madly in love with her, I was just blind to what was going on around me."
12 A Hiking Date Gone Completely Wrong
Another "beta male" confession that will no doubt have you laughing and cringing at the same time is this one. I guess this guy was getting friendzoned by a girl and he didn't even realize it. He says he asked her on a date to go on a hike, to which she agreed. Just as he was starting to get his hopes up, a huge storm rolls in. And that's when she showed her true colors, with him realizing how deep in the friend zone he really was.
This is his story: "I went on a hike with a girl. A storm ensues. Conditions get terrible, so she decides to call her ex to blabber how much she loves him in case she dies. I was completely ignored in the process. And no, none of us died. I do get mad thinking about how she used MY goddamn phone for this."
Damn, that's pretty harsh. You'd think that if she was so scared for her own life, she'd look to the guy who was actually physically there to comfort her. But no, she chose instead to call her ex-boyfriend to confide in. The fact that she used his phone to do it must have really stung.
11 His Wife Lost All Respect For Him
Probably the most defining characteristic of a beta male is the fact that no one really respects them. You can be physically weak, short, even unintelligent, and you can still demand respect from people. The whole beta/alpha thing is about mentality more than anything, if it even exists. But this beta admitted that his wife lost all respect for him when he broke down and begged her not to leave, crying like a little baby. While relationships can be emotional, most women don't respect those who act immaturely.
This is his story: "I begged my wife not to leave. She claimed that we had no future and I bawled like a little b****, claiming I could see us both happy in five years and happier in ten years. I still remember the look of disgust on her face, the loss of every bit of respect she had for me. I found out later on she had been chatting with some guy and had planned to move out there and into a townhouse to be his mistress, willingly. Instead of taking one to the chin and moving on, I called Joe's wife (he was married as well) and essentially 'tattled on him.' "Beta male" doesn't even begin to describe the absolute spinelessness I possessed."
10 His Girlfriend Publicly Refused To Hook Up With Him
This has got to be one of the most hilarious beta male confessions in this article. This particular guy had managed to actually get his teenage girlfriend pregnant, so right off the bat we know that he got further than most betas ever dream of. But even he was made to feel like a beta when his girlfriend totally disrespected him public, making it adamantly clear that he was not going to be intimate with her ever again. She actually said this out loud to a doctor who had offered her birth control (after she gave birth). She said she didn't need it because no more "baby making" was ever going to happen in the relationship!
He explains this moment in depth: "Worst beta male moment: in the hospital the day after my daughter was born. We're teenagers, engaged now because of this baby business. The doctor offers up birth control options to fiancé, she says, "No thank you. We're not going to make love anymore." I'm stunned and upset, but I don't want to make waves so I say nothing. I married her anyway because that's what I was supposed to do. I didn't hook up on my honeymoon. So lame."
9 Savagely Owned By His Ex
Of all the confessions in this article, this one has to be one of the most hurtful. But in many ways, he totally asked for it. Putting yourself in stupid situations is one of the most common mistakes people make in relationships. When a girl cheats on you and you break up with her, there might be that nagging voice in your head to take her back. While this can sometimes work, you should probably proceed with caution, otherwise something like this might happen to you.
As this poor guy explains, "An ex GF I had that cheated on me was homeless because her parents kicked her out of the house. I tell her she can stay with me until she gets a job and makes enough to pay rent on her own. She moves in and 3 days later we go to a bar and she gets a new BF. She tells me she doesn't care about me and to go kill myself. I pay for an apartment for her to move in to for 2 months because she is wrecking me and I needed to cut contact. She leaves without saying anything and goes back to her parents' house and becomes a stri*per."
8 He Was Completely Oblivious
Sometimes the most painful moments in a beta male's life isn't their actions, but their inaction. Many guys just never work up the courage to make a move. This can lead to them regretting these moments for the rest of their lives. But alternatively, they might have just been completely oblivious to the fact that women wanted them. This might actually be worse than not working up the courage to make a move, because this means that your relationship "instincts" are so bad you can't even recognize when girls are practically throwing themselves at you.
Here's the perfect example of that situation: "One day I was hanging out in the band room on lunch break and my female friends were complaining about sore muscles from marching, so I offered to massage them. By the end of the week, I had a line of girls wanting massages. They'd get up all sweaty and flushed and I was just so happy to be touching girls that I thought I could just die happy. I also took marching band in high school and again I got massage requests, except I had NO IDEA what kind of effect I was having on them. I was too focused on being a gentleman and too worried about their comfort. It wasn't until years later after I learned some things about women that I realized that I could have pretty much [slept with] my entire band class between junior high and high school."
7 He Showered Her With Gifts... And Still Got Friendzoned
Here's another example of a guy who tried way too hard for almost two years, and in the end got completely rejected. He admits to spending almost $500 worth of food and gifts over this two year period. This is already weird, because it implies he was actually keeping count and possibly keeping receipts of all the money he ever spent on her. Anyway, this guy learned the time-honored lesson that you can't buy love. You've got to have some self-respect; you can't just shower a girl with gifts and compliments and expect her to fall madly in love with you.
This beta laments: "I did so much for her, talked to her every night, bought her almost $500 worth of gifts and food over those two years. We never escalated beyond cuddling (I shared a bed with her almost 20 times) and I didn't even kiss her once. I finally gave her an ultimatum and said we are going to be in a relationship or we are going to be nothing. I haven't talked to her in three months and mutual friends have told me that she got a boyfriend about two weeks after we stopped talking. He was some dude that she just happened to meet, and she was probably [sleeping with] him for months..."
6 "Too Beta To Escalate"
While the guy who made this confession is a self-admitted beta, I think most guys can relate to a situation like this. Pretty much every guy has had that moment with a girl, where they look back and think, "Why didn't I see that she was into me?!" The signs were there, the hints were strong, but somehow we never clued in to the possibilities that the situation offered. Anyone can make this mistake, and it's not just limited to girls. But it is a pretty bumbling and hilarious thing to look back on, even if comes with the sting of regretting chances missed.
This guy's story takes place in a college dorm: "In college freshman year, in the dorms everybody had whiteboards and pens on the outside of their doors and you'd leave messages for people that way. We had no cellphones and I don't even think there were landlines in our rooms. Nobody had a phone. Theree was this cute semi-goth girl who'd light up when around me. I left some NIN lyrics on her board... "You can have my (this), you can have my (that)," whatever the lyrics were. She continued them back on my board, "You can have my everything," last word underlined. Too beta to escalate."
5 The Ultimate "Beta Orbiter"
This guy sets himself up for a hilarious confession when he describes his past as the "ultimate beta orbiter." For those who aren't familiar with the term, it refers to guys who are perpetually doomed to circle around women like an electron orbiting the nucleus. They might get close, but they will never, ever make physical contact. What's great about this guy is the fact that he has a sense of humor about it all, which is essential when going through hard times. In the end, you get the feeling that this guy has conquered his beta past and is now way more confident.
He admits, "Typically one girl has many orbiters. Well, I was one guy orbiting many girls. It was like I had an anti-harem. I could always be suckered into buying drinks. I'd go to a bar and women would send me off to get drinks so they could get rid of me while they hit on somebody more alpha, with me none the wiser. I'd come back with two handfuls of drinks only to find the girl gone... likely having already left with an alpha to hook up with. I got drunk on a lot of surplus cosmopolitans and red Coronas when I was in my twenties."
4 He Got Friend Zoned By A Single Mom
Getting friendzoned is one thing. But there's something even more cringey about getting friend zoned by a single mom. Of course, there's nothing bad about dating a single mom, and dating a single mom is not a "second class" option when compared to other women. But there is a sense that this beta had a fantasy where he would step in and become the father figure for her kids, and "rescue" her. This is similar to the "white knight" fantasy, where guys feel that they are the ultimate gentleman that is there to sweep women off their feet and save them from their terrible lives. Well, it's often the case that women are just fine the way they are, and they do not need "rescuing."
Here's this guy's story: "I became friends with this single mother. Except I thought she was different because she was going to engineering school with me. We hit it off well, but she wouldn't go out with me or anything unless it was for homework. I chased after that girl and tried to breakthrough the friend zone for forever. I bought her flowers, helped her with her car, helped her learn complicated stuff, helped her move to another city (she had literally a giant mover truck worth of stuff). She knew how I felt. She knew what I would do for her. She knew that I was going to be successful but she never gave me respect because I never demanded it."
3 His Plan Completely Backfired
This is another simply hilarious confession made by a self-described beta male. Getting friend zoned can take a major toll on a person, and it can drive them to do some pretty insane things. The thing about being friend zoned is that most guys know deep down that it's never actually going to work. As one famous meme states, "One does not simply escape the friend zone." But this guy got the bright idea of actually asking a girl to move into an open room in his apartment. He thought it would bring them closer. Boy, was he wrong.
As he admits, the plan completely backfired: "I offered the open room in my apartment to the girl that friend zoned me, thinking it would bring us closer. Instead, her [hooking up with] her boyfriend became the soundtrack of my nights."
How long do you think it took before he asked her to move out? That has to be one of the most humiliating and soul-destroying things I have ever read...
2 From A Girl's Point Of View - The Biggest Beta Ever
While the majority of these confessions are from the actual "beta males" themselves, there are plenty of females who can attest to this phenomenon, too. Numerous women out there have experienced people who fit the beta male profile, and they too have some pretty cringe-worthy stories to tell on the internet. And as it turns out, they're every bit as ashamed of these people as everyone else. It's interesting to see what the female point of view is on this subject, and this particular girl shares her experience with a seriously embarrassing dude...
She explains, "There was this one guy though... who I will call Mega-Beta. He would make me cringe. He bought the feminist script for his life hook line and sinker, and even is a self-proclaimed feminist. He thinks things like "men who are secure with their s*xuality can do feminine things without being embarrassed" and watches My Little Pony with pride. He thinks things like "people are good enough just the way they are" and weighs maybe 350 lbs. He believes that "you shouldn't have to work hard to get that perfect someone, because she's waiting for you" and does things like move across the country because he got a fabulous job offer to be someone's babysitter. If that wasn't horrifying enough, he then went into detail about another possible job offer there."
1 He Watched His GF With Another Man
I'm not even sure if this is real... You can never be sure when it comes to the internet. But one thing's for sure, there are really guys just like this out there, and they have experienced situations just like this one. Willingly allowing your girlfriend to hook up with another man while you watch is pretty much the definition of "beta." But believe it or not, this is actually what this guy did, and he confesses that he immediately regretted it. Well, duh! Who in their right mind does this?
He admits: "My girlfriend of around 18 months convinced me to be a cuck. I wasn't into it at all, but she said it was her greatest fantasy and we could just try and see how it goes. She found a guy online, we organized a day and time. On the day, this huge guy shows up, who looks like a building. To make a long story short, I sat on the bed watching a very masculine man [get busy with] my girl better than I ever had. She was screaming and clawing at him. She was never like that with me. No girl has ever been like that with me. It destroyed our relationship, we broke up a month ago and also destroyed my confidence. I tried to have hook up with a girl last night and couldn't even do it. All in all, it was the worst decision I've ever made."
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