The artistic muse is fickle, stubborn, and eager to desert you right before a deadline or when squeezing out those last few drops of creative juices means the difference between buying groceries, and staring plaintively through the window at all the shoppers who made actual stable career choices. Consequently, those who arrange their lives according to its whims can be a bit… strange. If, that is, your definition of “strange” is “the thing you check your closet for every night before you go to bed because you might be a 30-year-old adult, but you’ve seen enough Supernatural episodes to know all the alive people are the ones who don’t take chances.” That Van Gogh guy, after all, lopped off his ear and then afterward delivered it to a maid. (Love means sending cut off pieces of yourself Express 2-day. Remember that this Valentine’s Day.)
While the following celebs may not have cut off pieces of themselves in a fit of lunatic rage, some of them are definitely still “cross to the other side of the street and don’t make eye contact” material, which is probably great for harnessing the kind of intensity needed for certain roles, but less so when you want, you know, friends and stuff – sacrifices for your craft and all. It’s been well-established that celebs are just not like the rest of us, but mostly we assume that’s because they sleep on a mattress built from hundred-dollar bills and the tears of fed-up directors. You might be surprised, then, to find out that really what separates some of us is the anti-people munching mask from Silence of the Lambs… or at least it should be.
15. Megan Fox
Megan Fox rose to scantily-clad fame in the Transformers movies, where she performed nifty little tricks like being really hot. Something else Megan is known for: dropping completely bizarre little tidbits about herself during interviews. In her efforts to be “not like other girls,” Megan talks candidly about the smell of her flatulence (warm milk, if you were curious) and her cannibalistic yearning for Robert Pattinson‘s beauty: “I would eat Rob Pattinson so that I could steal some of that pretty.” She also once expressed her willingness to strangle a mountain ox with her bare hands for Olivia Wilde, which is just complimentary. As a card-carrying member of the woman club, I know I love it when people are willing to go all in on strangling something in tribute to my timeless beauty.
14. Jared Leto
Jared Leto‘s Suic*de Squad alter ego the Joker is no stranger to crazy, so apparently Leto decided he needed to become well-acquainted with it too. Despite numerous actors managing to take on the role without making their co-stars triple-check their trailer door locks, Leto decided it was a bit too pedestrian to be a normal freaking human between takes, and opted instead for sending them all little gifts, including a suitcase full of bullets (Will Smith), and for the lucky Margot Robbie, a love letter with a black box – and inside the box, a live rat. “I did a lot of things to create a dynamic to create an element of surprise, a spontaneity and to really break down any kind of walls that may be there,” says Leto of the gifts. Sounds like he took that way too far.
13. Kris Jenner
Anybody who capitalizes on their own kids for as much money as can be squeezed out is creepy by default, but Kris Jenner always likes to take things just a little bit further. Between posting provocative Twitter pics of her youngest daughter, Kendall Jenner, and playing adult wrestling with a man who shares an age bracket with her children, she found time to undergo a makeover… after which she looked eerily similar to Kim Kardashian. Matching parents/children are kind of cute in that obnoxious couples-in-twin-T-shirts kind of way… except when you’re Kris Jenner and you obviously have a pathological need to live vicariously through your children because being a multi-millionaire and getting to forego the sweaty peanut gallery of economy class like the rest of us peasants apparently isn’t enough.
12. Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise is basically the white action hero version of Samuel L. Jackson, so thanks for ruining all explosions everywhere for me, Hollywood. It’s not that Cruise is a bad actor, per se, it’s just that every time I see him he strikes me as the child-eating clown from It given terrifying, Xenu-powered flesh. Ever since Tommy boy tried to mimic the mating habits of humans in love on Oprah during his courtship of Katie Holmes, it’s been clear he’s probably the guy holding the contract on your soul when you want to negotiate for immortality, and he’d like to eat it. HBO’s 2015 documentary Going Clear alleges that Scientologist leaders actually auditioned women to be Cruise’s girlfriend, because I guess going out and meeting potential future partners is for lowly commoners. Despite multiple allegations of abuse perpetuated by the “Church,” Cruise continues to shill for it, and to impose its bizarre beliefs on significant others both past and present. And then there’s that rumor about the Bengal tiger he sent to Jennifer Garner, as is required by 21st century courting conventions.
11. Stephanie Seymour
Being hot is great, and sometimes you just need to celebrate that. American supermodel Stephanie Seymour decided to go all out in observance of the fact that everything still has that decades-younger bounce to it, by professionally photographing her sons lacing up her thigh-highs. If you just heard a record scratch and looked into an unseen camera a la The Office, that’s about right. Those are her sons in the photo, and this is probably the tamest picture of the bunch. In another, she presses her cleavage lovingly into one of the boys while going full on grinding at da club with the other. The photoshoot comes after controversy over a 2011 photo of Seymour kissing her son, Peter Brant II, on the beach during a family vacation, which America blew up into a scandal because here in the States you must at all times leave room for the Holy Spirit between opposite genders, related or no. Nothing says, “Y’all are gross and made something nasty out of a perfectly innocent moment” like having your sons publicly tie on your lingerie.
10. Mel Gibson
Famous for things like The Patriot, Braveheart, and anti-Semitic outbursts, Mel Gibson has been a fixture of Hollywood since the 80s… except for that little involuntary break he took to work on that whole racist psycho thing. Having triumphantly returned with the WWII film Hacksaw Ridge, Gibson has moved on from expressing his desire to kill reviewers and put their intestines on sticks for the heinous crime of panning his films, to giving bizarre interviews with Stephen Colbert in which he states, “Yeah, gravel rash, suffering, hmmm,” in response to a question about whether he gained any insights from the suffering he endured in the last decade. “Less time on the meat rack after it’s all done, right?” he sagely continued, to awkward, terrified silence from the audience.
9. Angelina Jolie
She might currently be known as a globe-trotting Mother Teresa with 112 kids, but it’s hard to forget that in the well-documented yesteryear of her youth, Angelina Jolie was a little… off. While the brother kissing may have been explained away with “they’re just close,” the Billy Bob blood swapping and TMI talk of knife play aren’t so easily dismissed. Billy Bob said of their strange marital habits: “Jolie thought it would be interesting and romantic if we took a little razor blade and sliced our fingers, smeared a little blood on these lockets and you wear it around your neck.” “Romantic” is exactly the word I would use to describe wearing jewelry full of your loved one’s bodily fluids.
8. Nicolas Cage
In case the crazy eyes didn’t give it away, Nicolas Cage is a bit different. He of the thousand memes and those Ghost Rider movies we’ve tried to bury at the very back of our subconscious, Cage has some rather strange How To guidelines for this crazy thing we call life. Because you don’t want your corpse desecrated or your valuables stolen, Cage has had himself a nine-foot stone pyramid built in one of New Orleans’ cemeteries for when he departs this mortal plane. But in order to put that inevitable event off for a while, he, like much of Hollywood, follows a special diet – he refuses to eat any animals who are not “dignified” when they “get together.” I guess that means humans are out, so he might actually be a safer dinner companion than Megan Fox. Cage also once bought himself a pet octopus, explaining to the press that it was to “help him with his acting.”
7. Lady Gaga
I know weird is kind of Lady Gaga’s schtick, but come on: a dress made entirely out of meat? A hat of live cockroaches? There’s eccentric, and then there’s designing a perfume to smell like blood and men. Fortunately, though Gaga’s original plan was to design a perfume that would be “taken out of my own blood sample, so it’s a sense of having me on your skin,” her perfume “Fame” was eventually whittled down to the more normal scents of “tears of belladonna, crushed heart of tiger orchidea with a black veil of incense, pulverized apricot and the combinative essences of saffron and honey drops.” It still sounds like something you’d get a whiff of while leaning over the cauldron in which you’re to be boiled by a witch, but at least there are no bodily fluids in it.
6. James Franco
James Franco‘s co-stars cannot stop talking about how weird he is and then quickly backtracking by throwing in something about his immeasurable talent. Here is what Selena Gomez had to say: “He really committed to this character, and when he walked on set he was in it the entire time. I don’t even think I really got to know James Franco. I just got to know Alien. Which creeped me out, but it was cool.” Ah, yes, that neat moment when you’re 100% disturbed by a fellow human. From his weird obsession with Ryan Gosling to painting Seth Rogen in the buff to all those uncomfortable underwear Instagram selfies, Franco is an easy top ten when it comes to listing off people you’d never want to unexpectedly meet in a dark alley (especially if you’re Ryan Gosling). And, oh yeah, there was that time on Instagram when he tried to hook up with a teenager, even after she made it clear she was underage.
5. Tilda Swinton
PR teams are still a thing celebs have in this, the year of our Lord 2017, right? Yes? Well, apparently Tilda Swinton‘s was napping or something, and neglected to notice that her client overshared in the creepiest of ways during an interview about her turn in We Need To Talk About Kevin. While discussing the concept of evil, Swinton shared that when she was four years old, she decided to end her youngest brother: “I was going to kill him because he was a boy, naturally,” she says of her intended victim. “I hadn’t thought it through, but I was willing to wing it. And I noticed he had a ribbon from a baby bonnet sticking from the corner of his mouth. I started to pull it out – and then was witnessed in this great act of love, of nurture!” Swinton was given credit for saving her baby brother and went on to a successful (presumably), crime-free Hollywood career, having smoothly sailed beyond her Charles Manson moment.
4. Demi Moore
Demi Moore of the ridiculous Charlie’s Angels bod and failed marriage to Ashton Kutcher was once, like all of us, an amorous nineteen-year-old who just wanted to snog her co-star on camera while insisting no one tell her husband. During these troubled times when creeps are getting called out left and right, an old video of Demi macking on a younger General Hospital co-star during his birthday party has resurfaced. While not exactly illegal depending upon consent laws, as she was 19, it does make your eye twitch to watch her face hoover this kid who looks so young. To add to it, Demi was already married at the time. Despite this, she declares, “I love Phillip and he’s the only one I love… I love him dearly, he’s one of my most favourite people… He’s truly terrific and I really love him” and goes on to express how much she’d like to commit bigotry for this high school freshman.
3. Val Kilmer
Val Kilmer hasn’t really done anything worth mentioning since Top Gun, so in order to keep himself relevant, he decided to come out as a stalker nutcase on Twitter. Deciding to take advantage of the fact that social media is the place to be when you want to make all people everywhere lose every ounce of respect for you, Kilmer randomly began tweeting about his obsessive love for Cate Blanchett in March of this year. His first tweet, a selfie accompanied by the caption, “Once I flew all the way to Australia just to talk to Cate Blanchett. Her husband met me first. Or, instead, I guess, to be accurate” was followed by others that talked about the two dreams he’d recently had of her (sans husband) and how he’d once done a cameo just to be near her, and he was so dazzled by the way she picked up a shovel that he actually forgot his line. What a creep.
2. Andy Dick
Comedian and actor Andy Dick is known for being rather outrageous, but clear lines have to be drawn between “eccentric but lovable weird uncle” and “will tase on sight.” He has been arrested multiple times for drug possession and assault, including that time he exposed a teenage girl in a parking lot. And speaking of exposing – he doesn’t stop with other people’s body parts. In 2005 he dropped his pants to give a comedy club audience in Edmonton, Alberta exactly the kind of show it didn’t want to see; he was quickly ushered off-stage, and further appearances were cancelled. In 2006, he would go on to lick fellow performers at the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner, because as we all know, true comedy is only achieved when everyone in the room kind of wants to punch you in the face.
1. Woody Allen
Marrying your stepdaughter automatically cements your spot at the top of any and all creeper lists, so it should be no surprise to see Woody Allen‘s name in this spot. He’s 159 and still casts himself as the romantic lead in all of his movies, and he married his stepdaughter. Whether or not you believe Mia Farrow‘s claims of his assaults against their daughter Dylan Farrow, the fact that he married his stepdaughter is undeniable. At least he has a somewhat understandable explanation for it. Just kidding. Of his wife/stepdaughter, Allen says: “I’m 35 years older, and somehow, through no fault of mine or hers, the dynamic worked. I was paternal. She responded to someone who was paternal.”He continues, “She deferred to me, and I was happy to give her an enormous amount of decision-making just as a gift and let her take charge of so many things.” How kind. The gift of independence: be sure to share it with all your loved ones this holiday season.
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