Religious and moral scruples aside, there are really only two downsides to knocking boots. You could end up with a baby before you’re ready or you could catch a disease that a round of antibiotics can’t knock out. Unfortunately, both of these drawbacks are biggies. That’s why schools pour countless money into abstinence education and dads freak out when their preteen daughters start getting moon eyes talking about certain boys in class. They know that their daughter’s infatuation with that cute soccer player won’t last forever. But if he gives her the big “H,” that sure as hell will.
A common misconception about these kinds of diseases is that they’re solely a scourge of the low-class and the unclean. I’ll admit, I don’t know exactly how disease rates break down by income bracket. There could well be some level of inverse correlation between financial resources and disease prevalence.
But, to characterize someone as “safe” or “clean” simply because they’re rich, famous, successful, good-looking, or they shower regularly and dress nice is the height of foolishness. Anyone can be carrying anything at any time. No matter how good she or he looks, you can never be totally sure that you aren’t diving into a polluted pool. And just to prove that point, here are 15 glamorous celebs who had to get tested (and we’re not talking about getting tested for the flu).
Usher (or “Ur-sher” if you have enough street cred) is one of the world’s highest-paid and longest-enduring R&B stars. He’s always come across as a pretty nice guy, too. Certainly not a sleaze like many of his cohorts in the popular music industry, though. So it came as a shock to many when not one, but two women, as well as one male, came forward levying charges that he’d given them the big “H.” After the internet collectively made the same predictable “Let It Burn” joke, we started digging into the details of the accusations. That’s when we found the pictures of his accusers. Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible to believe that the singer–who has millions of dollars, is universally loved, and could have his pick of countless fine women–actually knocked boots with this chick. But I’m saying that it’s very close to impossible to believe.
14. Pamela Anderson
What young man growing up in the ’90s didn’t pray for the opportunity to knock boots with Pamela Anderson? I know I sure as hell did. Well, as it turns out, Garth Brooks‘ song, the one about God’s greatest gifts being unanswered prayers, might have some truth to it. Pam gave a People Magazine interview in which she admitted to getting a positive diagnosis for that type-c disease. Like the other H-named diagnosis, the C is with you forever, although strides have been made since the ’90s to minimize its effects
13. Paris Hilton
When a celeb is only a celeb because of a leaked video of her knocking boots, it doesn’t come as too much of a surprise that, at some point, she picked up a permanent reminder of her promiscuous ways. Back in 2004, Paris Hilton ducked the bill on a storage unit, so all her items inside were sold at a storage auction. Among the loot, according to the winning bidder, were several bottles of the prescription medication Valtrex. There’s only one thing people take Valtrex to treat, and it isn’t a runny nose. No word on who the giver is, and let’s be real, any attempt to narrow down that list would be tantamount to identifying who broke wind in a packed-to-capacity New York City subway car. It could literally be anyone. It’s also scary to think about how many branches her own “H” tree might have.
12. Britney Spears
Talk about an “Oops!” During her chaotic, unpredictable, and borderline mentally unstable years–running from right after her breakup with Justin Timberlake until, really, just a year or two ago–Britney Spears is alleged to have picked up the big “H” somewhere along the way. We don’t know who the provider was. All we know is that a source–again, unnamed, so take it with a grain of salt–saw her buying Valtrex at a pharmacy. That’s where, if you’re Britney and you’re smart (two things that probably don’t go hand in hand), you turn around and announce to anyone watching, “It’s for a friend.” As of 2017, her life is back on track, and she seems to be in a good place. Unfortunately, the big “H” will be a lifelong reminder of her dark days.
11. Michael Vick
If Michael Vick is looking for a silver lining to his federal prison sentence for dogfighting, it’s that the media circus surrounding the incident removed the spotlight from another off-the-field issue he was having at the time. Prior to his stint at Leavenworth, Vick was allegedly seeking treatment for the big “H” at an Atlanta-area clinic. The best part was the fake name he used to try to keep the whole thing under wraps, Ron Mexico. Seriously, why wouldn’t you just pick a normal common name in that situation? If the story gets out, it gets out. But if it gets out and you’ve also used a ridiculous name like Ron Mexico to hide the fact that you have the big “H,” that just makes it ten times funnier, which means it gets more play.
10. Lindsay Lohan
By typing out that Lindsay Lohan has the big “H,” I feel like a TV news reporter when they delivered the “breaking news” that Anna Nicole Smith‘s death was, indeed, caused by drugs. Am I really telling you anything that you couldn’t have surmised with near 100% confidence on your own? Just imagine if you never read this or anything else about Lindsay Lohan’s…um…”feminine” health. And then, someone came up to you and asked, completely in earnest, “Do you think Lindsay Lohan has the big ‘H’ or any other disease?'” Would your answer not be yes? You don’t spend years addicted to multiple drugs, alcohol, and knocking boots with everything in sight without coming out the other end with some permanent reminders. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.
9. Tommy Lee
Tommy Lee is a member of the 2-H club. From the section on his ex-wife, Pamela Anderson, we already know he has Hep-C. He’s the one who gave it to her. But he’s also rumored to have the other “H.” And anyone who saw his honeymoon video with Pam knows there’s plenty of room down there for sores to develop, which raises a fascinating topic of conversation. Every dude who saw that tape immediately thought two things: 1) I wish I were on that boat knocking boots with Pam; and 2) I wish I were packing like Tommy. But what if you were offered a deal, you could be the same size as Tommy, but you’d have the same s*xual health as him too. All of a sudden average doesn’t sound too bad, right? That said, I’d be willing to bet at least 20 percent of dudes are taking that deal.
8. Trey Songz
So far, the big “H” has dominated this list, and for good reason. Although rarely life-threatening and more a source of annoyance and embarrassment than anything else, it’s insidious because it hangs around your neck (or somewhere else) like an albatross for the rest of your life. One slip-up, and boom, you’re having uncomfortable first-date conversations and putting disclaimers in your Tinder profile forever. No bueno. So, all things considered, Trey Songz made out better than most of his peers on our list. As a teenager, he had crabs, and we’re not talking about the delicious kind they serve at seafood restaurants in Maryland. It didn’t last long, though. As he recounts years later, he shaved the offending patch of hair, curing the condition and giving him the appearance of an extra inch to boot.
7. David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff is known for a talking car, a lifeguarding gig surrounding by stunning babes, terrible music that Germans inexplicably love, and an unfortunate incident involving a cheeseburger, a hotel floor, and a video camera. The Hoff certainly had his party days, as evidenced by multiple stints in rehab and an international reputation as an insatiable boozer. He appears to have cleaned himself up and at last seems healthy and happy. He has a much-younger fiancee who’s a total dime-piece. But lest he starts to forget his former life, there’s a little something that might flare up from time to time to remind him. During divorce proceedings in 2006, his now ex-wife, Pamela, alleged that The Hoff’s hedonistic lifestyle imparted him with the big “H.”
6. Jessica Alba
Luckily, this isn’t 2007. Otherwise, the news that Jessica Alba is carrying the big “H” might have caused a collective mental breakdown among the male populace. A decade ago, Alba was the “it” girl and the top wood producer among Hollywood starlets. Then, she got knocked up by a nobody and disappeared off the face of the earth. Nobody could figure it out. Why didn’t she milk her hotness and mammoth popularity for as long as she could, picking and choosing among A-list guys like Ryan Gosling and Zac Efron? Surely, she could have landed them. Well, maybe not. Although dudes loved to fantasize about her from afar, apparently, Jessica had a “dirty” secret that kept the Hollywood hunks at arm’s length. As the rumor goes, following a fling with legendary lothario Derek Jeter, Alba tested positive for the big “H.”
5. Scarlett Johansson
After Derek Jeter’s fling with Jessica Alba, he started knocking boots with Scarlett Johansson a few months later. And the same gift he so generously bestowed to Alba, he allegedly re-gifted to Johansson. This raises an interesting question. Do you think Jessica knew what Derek was carrying and intentionally didn’t tell Scarlett so she wouldn’t be the only A-list hottie with the big “H?” Deep in the recesses of my brain lies a vague recollection of a ninth-grade health class lesson that the big “H” and other diseases can have long gestation periods, sometimes lasting months or even years. So, it’s possible that Jessica didn’t yet know she was infected and therefore had no way to warn Scarlett. But it’s more fun to believe that there was girl-versus-girl malfeasance involved.
4. Kim Kardashian
File this one under “news that should surprise no one.” Kim Kardashian, whose first public onscreen appearance involved knocking boots, has been surreptitiously photographed on numerous occasions with cold sores on her lips. As you’re probably aware, that’s a form of the big “H,” although generally not as stigmatized as when it appears in the other place. Who gifted her the gift that keeps on giving? No one knows for sure, but we can at least identify a suspect. Remember that week back in 2011 when Kim was married to NBA player Kris Humphries? Well, the year before that, Kris got sued by another chick who claimed he had the big “H,” knew about it, and passed it to her without warning her. The court dismissed the lawsuit on lack of evidence (how do you prove someone gave you the big “H” though?), but when multiple chicks who’ve been with the same dude catch the same disease, it raises suspicion.
3. David Beckham
Apart from maybe Mark Wahlberg, no dude’s underwear ads were more swooned over by women than David Beckham‘s. Why were women swooning? Well, for starters, it’s undeniable that Beckham is handsome, talented and rich. But let’s not kid ourselves. The impressive bulge protruding from Beckham’s briefs has a lot to do with it, too. Problem is, the soccer’s sweeping dimensions are rumored to be a massive breeding ground for the big “H.” No word on whether his wife, former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, also has the gift or what she thinks about her husband having it. With the millions of women dying to get into her husband’s undies, maybe she views it as relationship security.
2. Derek Jeter
For his entire playing career with the New York Yankees, Derek Jeter remained single and was an insatiable poonhound. That’s how you should do it, by the way. If you know you can’t keep it in your pants when there are millions of women sweating you (I’m looking at you, Tiger), don’t freaking get married until you’re older and have settled down. Jeter was running through chicks like a knife through hot butter and rather than being a pariah, everyone in New York loved him. That’s because, unlike Tiger, he was never cast as the villain in a jilted wife story. Rumor even has it that Jeter gave the big “H” to roughly half the famous women in the world (several of them are listed above). And you know what? People still love him and still hate Tiger. Don’t get married in your prime when you’re a rich famous panty-dropper.
1. Magic Johnson
For any sports fan who was alive in the early ’90s, Magic Johnson‘s announcement of his HIV-positive status is—like 9/11 and the O.J. verdict—one of those “I’ll always remember where I was” moments. (I was in the backseat of my parents’ car driving home from Buddy’s Bar-B-Q in East Tennessee, and the radio news alert broke into Extreme’s “More Than Words.” Yes, my memory is that vivid.) Rather, it’s for changing the way the world looks at HIV. Pre-Johnson, HIV was viewed as a death sentence, and people were scared to even shake hands with an infected person. But Johnson didn’t let it conquer him. He even returned to the NBA, and now, almost 30 years later, the guy is not only still alive, but he’s in better shape than most 25-year-olds.
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