Have you ever found someone totally hot and then had a conversation with one of their former lovers? And what the person said completely flipped your opinion of the person you’d found hot up until that moment? Back in high school, there was this chick all the dudes wanted to get with. She had the face, the body, the personality, the whole nine. She knew every dude wanted her and she played it up using guys as her personal servants. Made them cater to her every whim. And most guys, hoping for the chance to score with her, totally went for it. It was pathetic to watch.
Then over Christmas break one year, I think it was senior year, this older dude came back from college and achieved what every dude in school had been striving for. He scored with the dream girl. And in typical 19-year-old male fashion, he wasted no time dishing the details. You’d have thought he was delivering a message straight from someone who had firsthand experience the way people gathered to hear what he had to say. A hush fell over the crowd as he began to speak. But in short order, the crowd’s eager anticipation turned to abject horror. You should have seen the collective anguish from the crowd of dudes. He might as well have walked into a kindergarten classroom and announced that there’s no Santa Claus.
I never looked at that chick the same again. And she’s not the only chick I’ve thought was hot until I suddenly didn’t, upon hearing what her former lovers had to say. Here are 15 more.
15. Maria Sharapova
Maria Sharapova is the total package. She’s hot, rich, and athletic. She has a sexy accent. Her body is flawless. What more could you want? Well, for starters, you probably want a chick who actually moves and moans during “the deed.” And according to Maroon 5 crooner Adam Levine, Sharapova fails on both accounts. The pair dated back in the mid-2000’s. Then they broke up. The split was shrouded in mystery. But Levine shed some light on the situation in a 2007 interview with Russian magazine Exile. He allegedly told the magazine that she not only failed to make noise during the act but also got annoyed when he did so, stating it “ruined her concentration.” I think I’ll stick to watching her on the tennis court (when she returns from her steroid suspension, that is).
14. Paris Hilton
No doubt Paris Hilton is hot, even if she lacks talent and is famous for being famous. I’d never heard of her before “the tape” hit the internet, so my first experience with Paris was watching her get it on. The night vision feature on the camera they used was awful, so you couldn’t really see a whole lot or judge her prowess accurately. I do remember her stopping the act at one point to answer her phone, and not being impressed with that. But it was a statement from another of her exes, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, that led to my ultimate exit from her bandwagon. He said this of her lovemaking skills, “She was a drunken prude who as far as I could see did not like [doing it]. She relied on drugs and drink to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform.” Yowzers!
13. Katy Perry
Katy Perry is fine and she certainly has no shortage of male suitors. She always seems to be linked with some A-list Hollywood dude, and who could blame them for wanting to hitch their wagon to hers? Aside from her looks, she’s also packing a truckload of talent, spunk, and personality. She tops the charts with just about every one of her songs. And judging by the way she moves onstage, she probably moves pretty well in other places and rooms of the house too, right? Not according to her ex-husband, actor Russell Brand. He says she was so bad in bed that he’d actually have to think of other chicks to remain in the mood. His exact words were, “I’d be [doing the deed] thinking, ‘Think of anyone, anyone else.'”
12. Jennifer Aniston
Cue crying from men everywhere. It’s Jennifer Aniston, for goodness’ sake. Isn’t she supposed to be perfect in every way? I mean, let’s list them. Beautiful? Check. Smart? Check. Talented? Check. Seems like she’s actually a nice person. Another check. And she doesn’t seem to age, either. So imagine my chagrin when I heard this about her intimate life, “She just lays there and wants to do none of the work. She makes up every excuse to skip [the deed] and never initiates it.” Now, this information comes from an unnamed source, so it could be some bozo who’s never even seen Jen in the buff outside his wet dreams and simply wants to stir the pot. We can hope, at least. He also called her a “spoiled princess.”
11. Angelina Jolie
I like to tread the PG-13/R line gingerly, so I won’t tell you in detail what I thought when, as a teenager, I saw Angelina‘s luscious lips on the big screen for the first time. But let’s just say it didn’t involve an innocent peck on the lips. Even when she went through that bizarre stage where she married Billy Bob Thornton and they wore vials of each other’s blood around their necks (also, didn’t she make out with her brother at one point?) I never wavered in my lust for her. When she stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston, that pretty much sealed it for me. If she can convince the best-looking guy in the world to end his marriage with one of the best-looking women in the world, she has to have even more going on than just a pretty face, right? Maybe it’s just sour grapes, but Billy Bob says no. In fact, he classified making love to Angie as “boring.”
10. Taylor Swift
T-Swift‘s love life has always been a head-scratcher to me. She’s lanky and quirky-looking, and you might not classify her as traditionally beautiful, but she knows how to work what she’s got. She is also a millionaire many times over and (apologies to Beyonce) the biggest female pop star on the planet right now. But the chick can’t seem to keep a dude. Even dudes like Tom Hiddleston who aren’t even close to being on her level, lose interest after a few months. It doesn’t make sense. I know people have speculated from her song lyrics that she’s clingy and high-maintenance and that that might play a role. But I think there’s more to it. Once again, this is from an unnamed source and thus of questionable veracity, but an alleged former lover said of T-Swift, “All she wants to do is kiss for hours, which is probably why none of the guys she dates stick around!” Come on Tay Tay. Second base beckons.
9. Nicole Arbour
Nicole Arbour isn’t T-Swift famous, but if you spend much time on YouTube or Facebook, you’ve probably run across one of her controversial video rants, such as “Dear Fat People,” “Dear Black People,” and “Why You Should Spank Your Kids.” And if you’re male and have testosterone in your bloodstream, you’ve probably noticed that she’s amazingly hot. I’m more than happy to sit through five minutes of a chick bleating about how fat people need to eat less or how ADHD isn’t a real disease when she has a face and body like Nicole’s for me to look at. But in 2015, she dated another YouTube star, Matthew Santoro. A few months after they broke up, he posted a video called “My Abuse Story.” The video told of how Arbour allegedly abused him physically and psychologically and isolated him from friends and family. While it’s probably a p-move for a dude to cry about being physically abused by a chick, he did succeed in making her look like a crazy B. But if we’re being honest, we knew that already just from watching her videos.
8. Lindsay Lohan
Okay, so maybe you stopped finding Lindsay Lohan hot after one of her multiple jail stints or displays of erratic, unstable, downright psycho behavior. But I didn’t. Don’t judge. I didn’t start thinking twice about her until the details of her 2016 engagement to Russian dude Egor Tarabasov emerged. He refers to himself as a businessman and an investor, but Lohan refers to him as a loser and a scrub and stated that she had to buy her own engagement ring. She made other sordid claims about their relationship, including allegations that he beat her and tried to control her. Then Tarabasov released his own statement saying it’s all BS and that she’s just trying to smear his name. It’s impossible to know who to believe in these situations. But anytime a chick gets into a public poo-slinging match after a breakup, it’s a safe bet she’s bad news.
7. Kristen Stewart
Kristen Stewart isn’t my gig. She’s too pale and goth-looking. But a lot of dudes (Twilight fans, in particular) can’t get enough of her. Everyone knows she was hot and heavy with co-star Robert Pattinson back in 2012. And everyone also knows the ignominious details of their breakup. She got caught sneaking behind Pattinson’s back and knocking boots with Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders. Pattinson, to his credit, didn’t publicly say much about her infidelity or their subsequent breakup. But someone else did; the president of the United States, Donald Trump. He released a barrage of Tweets imploring Pattinson to leave Stewart. The best one: “She will cheat again—100 certain—am I ever wrong?” He also said Pattinson could do much better and that he’d thank him for the advice in a couple years.
6. Pamela Anderson
If you’re a male born in the ’70s or ’80s and you never had a crush on Pamela Anderson, not that there’s anything wrong with it, you’re probably gay. I never missed a single episode of Baywatch and it wasn’t Hasselhoff‘s acting that kept me glued to the screen. I’m pretty sure I cried when she married Tommy Lee. I know I cried when I saw their honeymoon tape (every male reading knows why and probably did the same). She later married Kid Rock. But it was her marriage-divorce-marriage-divorce (that’s right, she married and divorced him twice) to Rick Salomon (of Paris Hilton tape fame) that brought to light some not-so-flattering details about Pam. In an official court document, he called her a “serial baby killer” who basically uses abortion as her primary form of birth control. The document featured a torrent of other accusations from Salomon, such as that Pam “stinks up the house when she eats fish and shrimp.”
5. Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson‘s star has faded since the mid-2000’s. But there’s not a grown man alive who hasn’t fantasized about her at some point. Everyone wanted to be Nick Lachey back when The Newlyweds was the hottest show on TV. Then, they had their messy breakup amid allegations of infidelity on her part, and the pop diva, who’d famously saved herself for marriage, proceeded to make up for lost time. Some of her subsequent beaux, like John Mayer, praised her for having certain “talents.” But Lachey, after several years of remaining mostly mum, finally revealed what it was really like being married to Simpson. The worst part, according to Lachey? Her creepy dad, Joe Simpson. Lachey made a comment, “I hope it was a joke—about having to play ‘grab a**’ under the table with him at Thanksgiving.” Ewww!
4. Bristol Palin
When Sarah Palin earned the VP nomination in 2008, I, like most people, didn’t know much about her. But my first thought was, “Damn, not bad!” I wasn’t referring to her brief tenure as governor of Alaska. Palin’s daughter, Bristol, definitely got her looks from her mom. During the election that year, Bristol was a pregnant teenager and the baby daddy was some dude named Levi Johnston. Like most people who get knocked up at 17, the relationship didn’t work out. Unlike most people though, Johnston had a national platform to dish the dirt on what went wrong. The picture he painted of the Palin family was one of utter dysfunction. Both parents, he said, including the one who nearly got within a heartbeat of the presidency, were nuts. They even pressured Bristol and Levi into keeping the pregnancy a secret and giving up the baby for adoption after it was born. There are too many hot chicks out there to deal with one’s psycho family.
3. Mariah Carey
Mariah Carey‘s stock has plummeted in recent years. It started with her Glitter breakdown in 2001. She regained some footing over the next decade. But her 2016 New Year’s Eve lip syncing debacle cast her as a public laughingstock once again. You can’t deny she’s hot, though. Problem is, if you score with her, you’ll have to deal with some crazy. Just ask Eminem, who got down with Mariah about a decade ago, even though she later claimed they didn’t. Miffed that she denied involvement with him, the rapper released a diss track to put her on blast. He referred to her in the track as an “alcoholic” and a “liar.” But the most damning part of the song were the actual voicemail snippets he played at the end. These were messages she’d left for him during their brief fling. She sounded completely unhinged in the messages.
2. Kim Kardashian
Love her or hate her. There’s really no in-between when it comes to Kim Kardashian. You can’t deny that she’s one of the hottest chicks in Hollywood with one of the best bodies. Sure, she’s married to Kanye West, one of the most detestable people alive and that’s a knock against her. But she’s easily hot enough to overcome that. She used to get it on with B-list rapper Ray J. We know this because we all watched it on tape, some of us numerous times (not me personally, but a guy I know). Apparently, they were in a monogamous relationship at the time of the filming, or at least that’s what Ray J thought. Many years later, he appeared on Celebrity Big Brother, where he discussed why his relationship with the diva didn’t work out. Kim, he said, was a “player” who cheated on him. That’s not good. But to be fair, Ray J also clarified that he was “the same kind of player.”
1. Melania Trump
Melania Trump, as far as we know, is the only person in the White House who sits on the presidential staff in more ways than one. She’s arguably the hottest First Lady of all time, though ardent Jackie Kennedy fans will certainly beef with that statement. And though Melania’s taken some criticism from feminists for appearing too subservient to her husband, there isn’t much to dislike about her. Far from being a dumb supermodel, she’s actually educated and is fluent in about a billion languages. She’s picked online bullying as her issue to take up as First Lady (maybe start by changing your husband’s Twitter password?). But shortly after the election, a Slovenian blog caught up with Jure Zorcic, one of her exes from the ’90s. He claimed that Melania has “changed” from the woman that mesmerized him decades ago. “When we were together, she didn’t have a big chest,” he said. “Now she has [an] enormous [chest].” To prove his point, he produced a modeling photo from her late teen years. She was pretty, but the picture made it clear that the product we see today is the result of a surgeon’s handiwork.
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