We know the music, we know the douchebags. They wear the T-shirts, always blast their music with windows down and will fight you if you disagree with their taste or not; these guys are pretty much always ready to throw down. It’s no surprise the music they are listening to.
This doesn’t mean these bands aren’t popular (or rich from album sales) - they are, which I guess says more about our society. Oh, and before you start your hate tweets, I like some of these bands as well, so, welcome friends…
Bands that just missed the list are Beck and Radiohead. Being confused over what music to like doesn’t necessarily make you a douchebag just challenged. So what makes the list? Bands that have a following of dudes that insist this is the best band and will pump their fists when their music comes on, regardless of the venue. Also, if this band attracts a douchebag element to their shows, that helps a lot. Now, another exception is Pearl Jam, a band that at one point was too popular, hence, the high douchebag ratio. Funny how their popularity decreased as did their douchebag following.
So the burning question is what is it about these bands that make those known as D-bags love them? Well, for one most of these bands live by the mantra of drugs, sex and rock and roll, this essentially translates to “F the world.” So there’s that, but that doesn’t necessarily make it okay. You be the judge. Here are the 15 bands that pretty much only douchebags listen to.
15 Guns N’ Roses
As soon as “Sweet Child O’ Mine” hit the airwaves, it was over. Douchebags swarmed to this band faster than looters hit the electronics store. Now it’s important to note that most only stand by the album Appetite For Destruction and the song “Used To Love Her” off the Lies EP. It’s important because this group loves a good rage and the debut album is one of the greatest rage rock albums of all time.
D-bags believe Axl Rose is Jesus Christ and the fans (douchebags) wear bandanas just like their Christ does. This was dying breed until the original band (or at least three main members) decided to get back together for a reunion. Now, it’s an all bandanas off rage once again. Don’t even try and convince them otherwise, you will be muted with chants of “Guns N’ F’n Roses!” Want to have some fun? Bring up Chinese Democracy, of course, I would advise ducking right after you bring this up.
Journey, being a band for douchebags, was never their intention. No, this was a classic seventies band that had a lot of good tunes that rallied the classic radio dial whenever played. So many hits, even with a new lead singer, they flourished on their own. Then the finale of The Sopranos happened.
"Don't Stop Believin'" was, a good song. Now, it’s the anthem for a state of douchebags that will stop at nothing when they hear “Just a small town girl…” over the speakers. These guys could be at a cemetery where a passing car goes by with the window down playing Journey and they will pump their fists and sing along. “Good song man!”
13 Blink 182
When someone over the age of sixteen says they are a fan of the band, Blink-182 they are telling you they are a douchebag. Technically categorized as “pop punk” like bands like Green Day, they are nothing alike. Just because you cast an adult film star in a video does not make you cool. Their lyrics are so immature and ridiculous only a person with mental capacity of a fifth grader can enjoy their music.
Instead of Green Day, they should be compared to a boy band and their fans, well, enough said. I mean this is a band that whines through their songs and then tries to get emotional after talking about poop. The music is generic and their sense of humor falls flat, which makes sense given the sense of humor of their fans. The song “What’s My Age Again?” is very appropriate and should also be asked of their D-bag fans.
Where to start... I think the overuse of leather pants is a good place. Not only is this band terrible to look at, but their fans are just as bad. Creed is a band made for douchebags that want to believe they are listening to a good band, but aren’t. The lead singer Scott Stapp acts if he’s Jesus Christ in his videos. Specifically the video for “Higher” where is actually floats... I mean c’mon!
At one point this was supposedly a Christian-influenced band, but then later Stapp did a cameo in an adult movie. Make up your mind, oh that’s right, you don’t have to because your fans (douchebags) will support you regardless.
11 The Offspring
Is there such a thing as surf-douchebag rock? Because I believe that The Offspring is much more surf douchebag rock than pop-punk rock, as they have been labeled. When I was younger, I went to one of their concerts and it was a good time. Recently, I listened to their music and although I was okay with some of the tunes; although, I definitely didn’t have same feeling, there was little nostalgia you would hope from a band you used to enjoy. The humor is dated and the music blends together.
Douchebags with grey in their hair that still dig this band have issues. It’s time to put down the surf board and take a step into real life. “I know man, it’s hard, but you’ve got to man!” The recent legalization of marijuana in California could produce a double album from this band, just to please their older douchebag following.
10 Avenged Sevenfold
For a band that wants to be a heavy metal band, it’s not good when you are known as an emo fan to a group of douchebags who relate to you as their sensitive side. The problem is that their fans are obviously trying to find something new, when this band is anything but new, they are the douchebags of rock, a wannabe Metallica that sounds anything like this band.
The biggest issue with this band and their douchebag fans is that they all swear this is a hardcore band when the reality is they are closer to Poison than they are Five Finger Death Punch. There is nothing worse than a band that tries to be something they are not. I mean, the singer even tries to sound like James Hetfield from Metallica and fails. The good news is that the fans (D-bags need I remind you) don’t care, they are used to failure.
9 Linkin Park
Rap/rock fans swear by this album despite only 1.5 good albums, and yes, that’s the problem here. Linkin Park definitely broke pop ground with their industrial rap/rock and ability to break it down into the ballad “In the End.” I don’t debate this. So, hands down you can call me a douchebag for liking the first album; it’s awesome, but the subsequent releases have been anything but, at least for me. I guess that makes me partial douchebag (more on this later, I promise).
The biggest issue with this band and their douchebag following is their insistence on how Linkin Park changed the landscape of music. This is simply not true. Maybe for a couple of years, but their influence and success faded quickly. Remember that the lead singer decided to front a Scott Weiland-less Stone Temple Pilots... yes, that happened people.
8 Bon Jovi
Oh, Jersey, how you are full of douchebags. Bon Jovi, and most importantly Jon Bon Jovi, started off as a hair band that new showing off their beautiful hair and asses was their best assets to go along with their pop rock. Stone-washed jeans and jean jackets manufacturers should pay a royalty to Jon. Then they named their fourth album New Jersey and all hell broke loose. The problem is that the band actually grew musically and consciously; however, their fan base only grew.
Today, Bon Jovi still plays as well as acts as a voice for the small guy. Most of their fans are douchebags that think the song “Living On A Prayer” was made specifically for them and that they have the right to always sing this song at the top of their lungs whenever played. You are not Tommy and you did not work on the docks. You are just a douchebag, son…
This Aussie band is loved by douchebags across the world. Now, a little bit of history. This band has switched lead singers, twice. First they went from Bon Scott to Brian Johnson and recently have hired Axl Rose (Guns N’ Roses) to front their band. Did you know that every song in the AC/DC catalog has the word “rock” in it? Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating slightly, but it’s not surprising their fans will answer “rocking dude” when you ask them about their plans for the day, an evening or their lives.
What does a typical AC/DC douchebag look like? They look a lot like the members of the band, lot of receding hair that isn’t cut in the back, paper boy hats and a constant head banging stance. It’s impossible to even have a conversation with these D-bag fan boys without being interrupted with someone shouting “For those about to rock we salute you!” They are hardcore and obnoxious to the core.
Once I was in Tampa Bay and yes, I was at a gentleman's club because Tampa… Anyway, the girl on stage “danced” to the song “Down with the Sickness” by Disturbed. It was so disturbing (pun intended) and to this day am still troubled by that scene. Not sure what that has to do with current topic, but thought it was important to share.
I don’t want to say Disturbed fans are a special group, but there’s a lot of rage and hate and “douchebaggery” that goes along with this. Fans (aka douchebags) insist this is one of the best modern bands in the metal scene today. Fact: This is not the case; this band is closer to the bottom than the top. Regardless, the girls love to strip to Disturbed and the guys love to beat the hell out of people whenever they hear a song by the band, regardless of the venue.
All you need to know about Nickelback and their douchebag fans is in the song “Rock Star.” The song is supposed to be a cliché of what it is to be a rock star, but then this band has actually taken the rock star path so now I don’t know if they are just being ironic or they are confused as well. Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are a thing, or were a thing or something. It doesn’t matter and the only reason I know this is because their douchebag fans talk about this as if this has any influence on their music. It does, it makes it worse!
Poor Canada, I know you have better than this, but somehow this is what broke through in the states and created a legion of phony fans that insist Nickelback is a ground breaking band. Yes, they are a band. I will not refute that.
How do you make the album Peace Sells…But Who’s Buying, turn religious, then political and then back to angry? More importantly how can you be a fan of this band? Easy answer to that: douchebag alert. Founder and lead singer, Dave Mustaine was the guy that got kicked out of Megadeth, so he’s a rebel right? Question: Guess what’s worse than douchebag fans? Answer: Rebel douchebag fans. FYI picking the losing team doesn’t make you a rebel.
Fans of Megadeth are a jealous bunch that tries to convince themselves that “their band” is better than the juggernaut known as Metallica. Insistent that their band never “sold out” is such an insane take that is constant with this group. If no one hears a band can they sell out? A deep thought that the D-bag Megadeth fan base would never understand. Seriously, if you spot someone wearing a Megadeth t-shirt turn-around and go the other way.
Along the way a lot of fans have exited the Metallica douchebag wagon, but there is still an army. This army of fans insist St. Anger is a good album. Either this group is just plain too loyal or they have been brainwashed by Lars. In fact, I believe Metallica tested their loyalty/brainwashing by releasing the album Lulu, leading to their fans insisting this concept album with Lou Reed was a good idea. Fact: This album was the worst idea of all time! What a mess and that fans that have stuck with them are the worst.
Now there is a new album and the army is ready to let everyone know that their band IS BACK! The douchebags will insist the new album is as good as their earlier work, but that’s impossible, it just doesn’t work way guys. Hey, at least you’re not a Megadeth fan, oh wait, you like both bands! Biggest douchebags ever!
2 Motley Crue
Motley Crue started off as more of a New York Dolls punk act, went dark, satanic and heavy and then eventually really glammed it up. Once they made the song “Girls, Girls, Girls” there was no holding back the douchebag fan base. This became their anthem, after all, what douchebag doesn’t love a strip club? The Crue made music for dirt bags so douchebag isn’t much of a stretch. Influenced by KISS douchebags, Motley Crue douchebags always let you know who they are – they are the ones wearing the jean jacket with the Girls, Girls, Girls album cover patch on the back.
Even the members of the band are somewhat douchebags, either full of themselves or unable to keep it together over any length of time. Any band that gives themselves the nickname Saints of Los Angeles deserves to have a large fan base made up of mostly douche bags.
1 Kid Rock
Love him or hate him, this is about the fans he attracts and no person attracts more douchebags than Kid Rock. He is the self-proclaimed Bull God so there’s that. Maybe it is the hat, the cigar or the swagger? Starting with rap/metal, and then turning to rock and then country, Kid Rock could walk on stage and use the toilet and his fans would cheer. In fact, I bet if he didn’t even show up the fans would just start singing his songs and not even care. Then they would get drunk and beat the hell out of each other. Kid Rock is the leader of the douchebags.
Each year Kid Rock hosts a cruise, can you imagine? A boat full of Kid Rock douchebag fans with nowhere to go? Everywhere you turn there’s another douchebag, they would be unavoidable. You want a deterrent to murder? Forget prison; sentence someone to ten days on that boat, surrounded by douchebags and Kid Rock. I think I just solved our violent crime epidemic.
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