This is it guys! The Pro-Wrestling equivalent to the World Cup, the biggest Pro-Wrestling event of the year - WRESTLEMANIA! Not sure about you, buddy, but I’m not feeling it at all this year. After what I consider one of the best Royal Rumbles in the history of shirtless men throwing other shirtless men over ropes, the rest of the road to WrestleMania has been lackluster to say the least.
Here's the finalized card heading into WrestleMania 32:
-The Usos vs The Dudley Boyz
-Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale
-The New Day vs The Loser Stable (Not the one with Bray Wyatt’s brother).
-AJ Styles vs Chris Jericho
-Fake Mysterio vs Fake Goldberg - US Championship
-Charlotte vs Becky Lynch vs Sasha Banks - Divas Championship
-Kevin Owens vs Sami Zayn vs Dolph Ziggler vs Zack Ryder vs Sin Cara vs The Miz vs Stardust - IC Championship Ladder Match.
-Random Divas vs Other Random Divas
-Shane McMahon vs The Undertaker - Hell in a Cell Match
-Dean Ambrose vs Brock Lesnar - No-Holds-Barred Street Fight
-Triple H vs Roman Reigns
I look at what I typed above and only one match excites me. So what do I do? I gathered my genius and decided to write another genius article. More genius than my previous article (also genius, btw).
And here we go... 5 WrestleMania 32 matches nobody gives a damn about and which shouldn't have been booked.
10 Kevin Owens (c) vs Sami Zayn vs Dolph Ziggler vs Zack Ryder vs Sin Cara vs The Miz vs Stardust - Intercontinental Ladder Match
Apparently, these days, losing consistently or even better yet, not appearing on TV at all will grant you an Intercontinental Championship title opportunity. Why else would Zack Ryder, Sin Cara, The Miz and Stardust be involved? There is only one reason this match is happening and that’s to give everyone a WrestleMania pay check. Mind you, this is for THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP that brought us some of the best matches of all time - Ricky Steamboat vs Macho Man and Shawn Michael vs Razor Ramon.
Fine, I agree. This ladder match is a potential show-stealer. Who cares though? It doesn’t matter if the match is A++ or as beautiful as the 8th Wonder of the World - Jennifer Lopez’s booty! If the storytelling sucks, nobody cares. It doesn’t matter if Batman fighting Superman is one of the best action sequences in cinematic history and made me slap the old lady beside me in excitement! If the script is a messy pile of dog poo, nobody cares.
9 AJ Styles vs Chris Jericho
On paper, this sounds like a match made in heaven. In reality, this is a match made in Vince McMahon’s butt hole. Will this be a good match? Definitely. Will anybody care what the result is? Nope. Will the end result change anything going forward? Absolutely not.
Firstly, Jericho isn’t what he used to be. The audience scream “You still got it!” But these days audiences scream “This is awesome,” every time a table breaks and “You still got it,” every time any Attitude Era superstar comes back. What exactly does Jericho still have? His wrestling skills? Yeah, kinda maybe. His promo skills? Dwindling into obscurity, along with his six pack abs.
Secondly, AJ Styles is one of the saddest WWE stories in recent memory. The crowd reaction when he made his debut at the Royal Rumble sent shivers down my spine. Then he had a mini feud with Jericho, then a mini feud with Miz, then he tag teamed with Jericho and now he’s fighting Jericho. Really? Really? Really??? Garbage storytelling.
8 Fake Mysterio (c) vs Fake Goldberg - United States Championship
The only good thing about the fake Mysterio, fake Goldberg feud is that one match where fake Mysterio teamed up with Nikki Bella and fake Goldberg teamed up with Brie Bella for a mixed tag team match. Except halfway through the match Nikki and Brie said, “f**k this sh*t,” left the ring, jumped out of the TV and performed twin magic on my 21 inch penis. Oh wait! I don’t have a 21 inch penis, so that must have been a dream. There’s nothing good about this feud.
Name me one person (who isn’t a complete moron) who’s looking forward to this match. That’s right, I said it - if you’re emotionally invested in this feud, you’re a complete moron. Heck, even fake Mysterio and fake Goldberg’s parents are going to channel surf during this match.
How did we let this happen? And by we, I mean the knuckle headed morons who took John Cena’s efforts to bring back prestige to the US title and turn it into FAKE MYSTERIO VS FAKE GOLDBERG!
7 The Undertaker vs Shane McMahon - Hell in a Cell
Yes, I know. That elbow drop made my raisin-sized balls tingle too. But c’mon, he’s a McMahon. These guys would do anything, so long as it’s best for business. I wouldn’t be surprised if come this Sunday, Shane grabs Undertaker and does a Superplex from atop the cell into the mouth of a fire breathing dragon.
Oops, I stand corrected. The McMahons will do anything, except book a damn feud properly. Who gives a crap about The Undertaker vs Shane McMahon? Maybe the creative team was promised an orgy with Stephanie McMahon if they book this match. Hey, can we really fault them? I would book The Undertaker vs Shane McMahon in every single Pay Per View for the next 10 years if I was promised an orgy with Stephanie McMahon.
Hell in a Cell Retirement Match? More like McMahon family ego match. Cause Shane is definitely gonna win, right? I mean, if he doesn’t win, then what’s the point of bringing back THE SHANE O’ MAC in the first place? If he does win, it accomplishes absolutely nothing except boost the McMahon family ego.
6 Triple H (c) vs Roman Reigns
The biggest issue with WWE these days is that the fans are completely ignored. Did Vince not hear the excitement in the fans’ screams when Triple H, a f**king HEEL, tossed Roman Reigns, the so called future FACE of the company out of the ring at Royal Rumble? In the span of 3 years, WWE successfully turned Roman Reigns from the brooding silent destroyer of The Shield into rainbow cereal man 2.0.
WWE not-creative booking Roman Reigns in an underdog story a la Daniel Bryan proves how delusional these morons really are. But of course, as mentioned, we can’t disregard the “Orgy with Steph” side of the story.
It’s not gonna work, people! Even if Triple H bitch-slapped an old lady and pedigreed a handicapped person, come this Sunday, fans are still going to cheer their lungs out the moment “BEHOLD THE KING! THE KING OF KINGS,” roars through the speakers. Roman Reigns is gonna get booed out of the building and WWE’s grand scheme of turning him into the new John Cena is gonna fail. Well, technically if he’s getting booed outta the building then WWE’s plan of turning him into the new John Cena is successful? It’s all about perspective.
But in an alternate universe where I am king of the world, this is how I would book WrestleMania 32.
5 John Cena vs Sami Zayn
Removing the United States Championship from John Cena and slapping it on Alberto Del Rio was one of Vince’s dumbest decisions in recent memory. Considering how dumb Vince is these days, that’s saying something. John Cena should have dropped the title to Kevin Owens. Fine, that didn’t happen. No point crying over spilled milk. Imagine if he would have kept his title and dropped it at WrestleMania to Sami Zayn! The crowd would go bananas!
Yes, I know John Cena is injured right now, so he couldn’t have made it for WrestleMania anyway, therefore rendering this section pretty much redundant. But I am still pissed off Cena dropped the title to Del Rio (who’s currently in some loser stable) and I will continue to be pissed off for the next 10 minutes or so.
4 Dean Ambrose vs Triple H
Ask me a year ago, and I wouldn’t have suggested this, but after this year’s Royal Rumble (which was one of the best Royal Rumbles of all time), Dean Ambrose was the direction they needed to head, not Roman Reigns.
This is a match where fans would actually cheer for the face and boo the heel. The underdog story isn’t working with Roman Reigns and it never will, but it would have worked perfectly for Dean Ambrose. People love Dean Ambrose, not because WWE told us to love him, not because he got shoved up our butts every single week. People love Ambrose, because he has a certain spark about him, just like Daniel Bryan did.
3 Brock Lesnar vs Bray Wyatt
I can officially say, I am just about done with the Wyatts. At this point, Bray’s eerie promos mean just as much as your random weekly Divas tag team match - jack sh*t. When Bray speaks, it’s toilet break for this writer.
That’s right, these days, I stay for the random Divas tag team matches and pee during Bray Wyatt’s promos. Cause at the very least, there’s a possibility of a wardrobe malfunction during Bella Twins vs Not-Bella Twins. What benefits would I get watching the Wyatt family promos? Well, you could argue that there’s a possibility of wardrobe malfunction during the Wyatt family promos as well, but fortunately or unfortunately, gorilla p*rn is not my jam.
Things could have been very much different though, had WWE went with the Bray Wyatt vs Brock Lesnar route after the Royal Rumble. The pieces were already there. Wyatt Family eliminated Brock from the Royal Rumble. Brock is pissed. *Insert back and forth promos between Paul Heyman and Bray Wyatt* At WrestleMania, Brock almost wins when the lights go off *Insert Sister Abigail AKA Mika Rotunda*. Bray Wyatt wins.
2 AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens
This would be a phenomenal (pun definitely intended) match. The Intercontinental Championship match fans want to see and deserve to see. The story writes for itself, Kevin Owens eliminated AJ Styles at the Royal Rumble. Kevin Owens wins the Intercontinental Championship on Raw, *INSERT AJ STYLES STAREDOWN*.
As of right now, both AJ Styles and Kevin Owens are respectively part of potential show stealing matches. However, a show down between Kevin Owens and AJ Styles for the Intercontinental Championship wouldn’t just be an amazing match, it would be an amazing FEUD. It would have been the kinda feud that would force viewers to tune in every Monday. It would have been the kinda feud that could possibly be an instant cure for erectile dysfunction. One minute you’re limp, you see a Pop-up Powerbomb for a near-fall, the next minute you’re sh*gging your wife all over the house like a teenage boy all over again. Your wife will be like, “Hey honey. Where did you get this Viagra?” and you’ll say, “Viagra? It’s AJ Styles VS Kevin Owens b**ch!”
1 The Undertaker vs Finn Balor
Let’s be honest. This is the match we all wanna see. And if you don’t wanna see this match, you’re a bigger moron than those morons that are clamoring for fake Goldberg vs fake Mysterio.
FINN BALOR VS THE UNDERTAKER! It’s the kinda match that would have all the males hoping they could magically transform into females, just so they can twiddle with their big nipples, experiencing 25 orgasms in a row. It doesn’t matter if my sentence makes sense, 'cause just thinking about this match made my brain explode. Error 404: Too much awesome!
You know what’s better than Finn Balor vs The Undertaker? Finn Balor pinning the Undertaker 1, 2, 3 then pretending to shake The Undertaker’s hands before Motherf***ing Doc Gallows, Karl Anderson and Shinsuke Nakamura appear from the crowd to destroy and retire The Undertaker once and for all. BALOR CLUB hijacks WWE b**ches!
Goodbye Undertaker. I love you, and admire how hard you hit the gym during WrestleMania period, but at this age, the only thing you should be hitting is Michelle McCool’s lady parts.
PS: The fact that I had to star out two words in a single section shows how excited I am for this match (which may never happen) and Balor Club (which may never happen also).
Now, you might be wondering, where’s Roman Reigns in all this? Well, he’s somewhere in the locker room, tied to a chair with a YouTube video entitled, “Cutting promos for dummies,” playing in front of him.
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