In the olden, pre-internet, everything is for sale world, the only way to meet a professional athlete was to get to the stadium early for batting practice to maybe get an autograph or if you lived in a more urban area, you could catch a player at the grand opening of a hardware store. I still have my autographed Roy White baseball, thank you very much, True Value Hardware of Maplewood, New Jersey. But, oh, have things changed.
Now, for a mere $8,125, Pete Rose will go out to dinner with you and up to four friends. One can only hope that with that kind of price tag, Charlie Hustle picks up the check. The “Hit King” is not the only athlete that does this. Not by a long shot. In fact, there’s an entire website called Thuzio.com that’s solely dedicated to selling athlete experiences to fans. For example, for $1,875, former World Series MVP, Ray Knight will play a round of golf with you. For $1,500, three time Olympic gold medalist Janet Evans will attend a swim meet with you. Greg “The Bull” Luzinski will personally coach you for $250, etc.
Since every athlete has a price, here’s the top ten crazy things we’d like to pay athletes to do.
9 Have Steve Garvey Break-up With Your Girlfriend
Ten time All-Star and 1974 National League MVP, Steve Garvey is a rock solid family man and a staunch Republican. He also hold the National League record for most consecutive games played. Most importantly, he knows women having been married twice, engaged four times and is apparently the father of at least two illegitimate children. Who better to cushion the blow to your soon to be ex-girlfriend then the man former teammates called “senator” because when he says, “it’s not you, it’s him,” you might even believe it.
8 Verbally Assault Bucky Dent
Bucky Dent. Bucky “Freakin’” Dent as he’s known throughout New England for that fluke home run during that one game playoff with the Red Sox back in 1978. The man who almost singlehandedly ruined what should’ve been a dream season for the Sox is now available for that verbal tongue lashing we all know he deserves.
That’s right, for a very reasonable price, you and your buddies can scream at, insult and mock Bucky Dent. Nothing is off limits. Feel free to bring his mother into it. Chastise his faith. Call his kids ugly. No, you cannot hit him, at least for now, but practically anything else goes.
Note: For extra special catharsis, you can hire Bill Buckner and Bucky together.
7 Ray Lewis Attends Your Daughter’s Dance Recital
Okay, we get it. The only reason anyone goes to a dance recital is to see their own kid. The rest is just excruciating torture. But that doesn’t give the other parents the right to keep yakking while your little princess is up there dancing her little heart out.
6 Have Larry Bowa and Scott Rolen Fight To The Death
For the seven years that Larry Bowa managed Scott Rolen, the two did not get along. Okay, so maybe they hated each other. Rolen thought Bowa was an obnoxious bore who only knew one way to get to players and that’s by screaming at them. Bowa thought Rolen didn’t play with enough passion and didn’t seem to care enough about winning. Who’s right? Let’s let might decide. Both men, armed with only bats, enter the octagon and only one comes out.
5 Have Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson Join Fleetwood Mac
Just because it might be musically interesting.
4 Derek Jeter Plays Hamlet In Your Community Theater’s Production
Among all the New York Yankee greats (Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, etc.) there can be endless debates about who’s the best player. But one thing no one can dispute is that Derek Jeter is the best dramatic actor. All you have to do is watch that scene in “The Other Guys” where he plays Derek Jeter getting shot or in “Anger Management” when he plays an angry Derek Jeter. And anyone who’s seen the Yankee captain’s one man show “Derek Jeter is Mark Twain” knows this cat has chops.
3 MMA Star, Cain Velasquez Collects A Debt For You
2 Watch the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” With Charles Barkley
1 Have Coach Bobby Knight Coach Eight-Year-Olds
Coach Knight is a stickler for fundamentals and can’t stand mental miscues. So the first second grader that doesn’t guard his man in the post is going to have the whole team running laps. How great would it be the first time when one of the little tyke’s parents asks how come their little Johnny doesn’t get enough playing time to hear the “general's reply, “Because little Johnny sucks. That’s why!”
Does this one really need an explanation about why this would be amazing?
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