I've got news for you.
The Olympics aren't just about the beauty of sport, victorious triumphs or agonizing losses, they aren't simply about uniting our planet in a celebration of amiable competition and international goodwill and they surely aren't about who can actually afford to host them.
No, they're about so much more. They're about showcasing the very best our species can produce and daring disbelievers to scoff at the purity and glory of human achievement.
The Olympics are about taking hope, dedication, diligence and talent and creating something entirely new; the perfection of athletic grace, skill and performance and then parlaying that into cold, hard cash.
They're about demonstrating to younger generations that this is what they can aspire to, that hard work and sacrifice can make us all better and richer people, as long as we do it for the right reasons; not solely to win, but to always give our best for what we believe in; wealth.
And for those of us who care, the Olympics are just about the biggest showcase for consumerism on the face of the Earth.
That's why I've been stockpiling what I consider to be potentially the greatest advertising or marketing campaigns created by the incredible experiences that made these Olympic Games so thrilling and potentially lucrative, and so I'm pleased to present to you, the Top 10 big money moments from Sochi;
10 Shirtless Putin
It's been said before, but it cannot be ignored, Russian President Vladimir Putin is apparently in love with his own chest, and won't rest until his country, the planet and the universe feels likewise;
'Men, are you middle-aged, somewhat paunchy and out of shape, but still have the desire to see yourselves as you were in your prime? Virile, masculine and blessed with pectoral muscles you could crack an egg on in twenty paces? Or does the thought of going to the beach and exposing your bulbous, dangling man-boobs send you into the closet for the baggiest sweatshirt you can find?
Well, those days are over, thanks to the fabulous Vladi-bra® by Mr. Garcon™, you can permanently shove those feelings of inadequacy and anxiety back into the deepest depths of your intestines where they belong.
Made from a revolutionary breakthrough in nearly invisible latex technology, Vladi-bra® both supports and shapes your gelatinous, sagging pecs into a firm, well defined, manly chest that could just as easily be found on a toned but hairless Gorilla. And best of all, Vladi-bra® offers the comfort and style that firm figured guys everywhere desire without having to exert yourself to change your unhealthy purely sugar and salt diet or drag yourself off the sofa for a few minutes of exercise once in awhile; 'cause really, who needs that hassle?
So if you're a man looking for a means of restoring your self-confidence and body image without the trouble or expense of surgery or a gym, Mr. Garcon™ has your number, and it's called Vladi-bra®
Vladi-bra®; say hello to your new moobs!'
9 Pussy Riot Whips
While we're all thankful that the Sochi Games didn't involve any kind of terrorist attack, it was hard to avoid the idea that it took a return to Stalinist policies of enforcement to make that happen, though one incident clearly stood out as representing the government's vision of the 'new' Russia;
'It's a changing world alright, but that's no reason to fear; change can be good as long as it can be controlled. And we do mean controlled.
Once it might have seemed like publicly whipping unarmed women while international cameras rolled was the very definition of oppression, but no longer. That's why Hardline Tech™ has given confidence and capability back to law enforcement everywhere with our new line of riot gear.
Introducing 'Whappy®'; made from a super thin strip of high density Kevlar wrapped in a silky soft coating of ultra fine synthetic wool, Whappy® is specifically designed for the protester that simply doesn't respond to a traditional beatdown from a billy club, but won't have any trouble getting the message Whappy® can deliver time and time and time again. And again. And again.
It's why Whappy® is the tool of choice for government goons everywhere and has recently made the list of the top 10 Fascist inventions of the century!
So when lippy, disgruntled protestors don't seem to understand 'Cease and desist', don't get mad; Get Whappy®.
Whappy®; whap it good.'
Much has been written about the staggering costs of the Sochi Winter Olympics, and that much of its expenditures were simply eaten up in a dizzying number of secret deals and payoffs to close associates of Russian President Vladimir Putin. But very little has been said about how that corruption could pay off big time for the Russian economy;
'Business today is the same as it ever was, but getting ahead by crushing your competitors underfoot like so many worms has more challenges than ever before. It's why your business could use all the help it can get, and why we here at SmotherInc.™ want you to know we can be that help.
Graft might be a dirty word to some, but to us, it's no more offensive than profit, or union busting or even tech support, so why not take advantage of all it has to offer?
SmotherInc.™ can show your business just who you should be bribing and why, and does it in a way everyone can understand. We simply make offers no one can refuse.
To us, that's the beauty of corruption; there's no fuss, no bother and no trace of transparency, just the means for your business or venture to get off the ground and soar like an eagle without ever having to look back.
Come in for a free consultation and let one of our registered felons show you how SmotherInc.™ can make a difference for your business.
After all, if you can't trust Smother, who can you trust?'
7 Stray Dogs
Despite charges of obscene levels of corruption, incomplete facilities and the threat of a topless President Putin, one of the most uncomfortable issues plaguing Sochi for the Games was that of its unsightly stray dog population;
'There's no doubt about it; nothing can ruin a vacation faster than hordes of mangy, stray canines cavorting through your holiday locale like a plague. Sure, you can ignore them even as they hump your leg and water your beach towel, but that's not what you saw in the brochure, now was it? You could just whip out your Glock and go all Tarantino on them, but then there's the little matter of local ordinances to deal with, and who needs that when you just want to get tanked and have a good time?
Here at ShamCorp Industries™, we feel your pain and we've done something about it; we've developed new “BowWowBGone®,” a revolutionary form of canine control that's as easy as pushing a button.
Our laboratories have painstakingly combined the most lethal forms of active bio-genic tissue melting agents that dissolve dogs on contact, and all in a convenient aerosol spray.
So if stray dogs are turning your dream holiday into a puppy nightmare, take heart; with BowWowBGone® they'll never know what hit them.
BowWowBGone®; bark this!'
6 Twin Toilets
Some things simply cannot transcend the differences between ablution standards worldwide:
'We enter this world alone, and we depart alone, but in between those major events, we need not be alone; now we don't have to be.
If like me, you long for company even during the most intimate and private moments we humans experience, then relax.
New “Double-Dumpski®” not only helps bring people together through the miracle of modern plumbing, it gives us all the opportunity to share our defecation fantasies as nature intended; in pairs.
Developed with the latest technology from Russia's proud history of fecal triumphs, Double-Dumpski® assures that there's no sitting down on the job solo because one simply doesn't have to be the loneliest number, for either #1 or #2.
So relax, take a seat and let nature take its course, with company.
Double-Dumpski®; share the fecality.'
5 Olympic Opening Ceremony Snowflake Gaffe
Well, we all saw it; despite the Russian president's vow that these Games would be 'perfect,' that one last giant snowflake that was supposed to become one of the five Olympic rings during the opening ceremonies, spectacularly didn't.
Although it's undoubtedly true that whoever was found responsible for this glitch by Putin is now likely encased in concrete in a sunken cavity he probably had to dig himself deep beneath the Earth, this memorable moment provides the perfect analogy for an aspirin campaign;
'Four out of five may not be bad, but it's still a headache; and whether it strikes during a gala event, or when you're alone at your desk, you want real relief, and fast.
That's why we developed Putinol; nothing gets rid of a headache or those who caused it, faster or more permanently than new Putinol®. Putinol® contains active pain relief medication so powerful and mysterious, we aren't even allowed to list its ingredients or tell you how we delicately combine them using robots via closed circuit television in a converted, abandoned nuclear facility in the middle of a desert far from civilization.
Not only that, now there's chewable Mini-Putinol® for kids in delicious flavors like Blistering Blue, Raging Red, Gastric Green, Yangtze Yellow and Blackest Black.
So don't let four out of five give you a headache; relax.
With Putinol®, it's always five out of five; always.'
4 Austrian Team Member Falls Flat
Though I feel for the guy, and fortunately he wasn't injured, his epic fail is tailor-made for an athletic shoe ad;
'All the training, the sacrifices, the triumphs and failures, the discipline and dedication, all leading up to the moment when you and your national team enter the Olympic stadium to the applause of the world.
The least you could do is stay on your feet.
Rampart® has been making superior athletic footwear for champions and competitors alike for over 70 years, and we've learned a few things over time. Like how quality materials, exacting standards and manufacturing excellence will consistently produce athletic shoes that are unparalleled, and give you the edge that separates winning from simply showing up.
And not a minute too soon, because you never know when putting your best foot forward may mean falling flat on your face; it all comes down to choosing the right footwear.
Rampart® athletic shoes; we're with you every step of the way.'
3 Sochi Water Soft Drink
The tap water in Sochi facilities seems to be one part H2O and three parts unidentified toxic sludge; sure it's yellow and you have no idea where it comes from or why it's not clear, but so what? Thousands of Olympic athletes have been expected to use this stuff for no less than two weeks, and they have performed spectacularly; don't you want to be among them?
So let's forget about color, and concentrate on performance;
'Is there an athlete alive today that wouldn't want to take advantage of an iota of a chance that what they might consume, digest and what despite their body's natural resistance to pollutants, may possibly give them the edge in reaching the Olympic podium and maybe even an extra toe or two?
We don't think so.
That's why we've come up with 'Sochi Surprise® ' the unnatural result of mixing pure, filtered Black Sea spring water with an undefinable amount of indeterminate trace elements not of this Earth and intensely glowing radioactive but purely safe chemicals, to create Sochi Surprise®.
And it's why we'll stake our reputation on the fact that no one who has been adversely affected by our product is currently alive to make their case.
Sochi Surprise®; imbibe the yellow.'
2 US Bobsledder Breaks Out
This one literally writes itself; clearly this guy should be marketing his own brand of vitamins;
'Did a locked bathroom door in a supposedly state-of-the-art Athlete's Village keep American Johnny Quinn from realizing his Olympic dreams in Sochi?
Not even close.
Did a stalled elevator in the same House of Horrors prevent him from his athletic destiny?
Not even close.
But where do you think the strength to punch his way out of that Sochi deathtrap came from? Regular balanced meals? Protein shakes? Fiber? Snake worship?
Not even close.
Sledderex® vitamins have been fueling athletic success since 1985, when certain slack regulatory restrictions were permanently abolished, allowing for a new and exciting range of once-banned chemicals to find their way to your supermarket.
As the only over-the-counter brand to be sold in grocery stores, gas stations, subway terminals and bridge underpasses, Sledderex® vitamins can literally be found anywhere, and nothing else can give you its particular blend of essential natural ingredients and potent laboratory designed chemicals, many of which have yet to be named, they're that good!
So when life throws you a curve, punch it right in the nose with Sledderex®
Sledderex® vitamins; nothing even comes close.'
(Warning: Sledderex® can cause certain uncontrolled reactions, such as intense, mind-numbing rage, unprovoked physical assaults, anxiety, reality disassociation syndrome/RDS, profanity, slight dizziness or paranoia and mild distemper or Anthrax. Consult your doctor before recommending Sledderex® to others.)
1 Putin Hugs Ireen Wust
Okay, I have to admit I wasn't taken in by Vladi's obviously forced attempt to wipe away some of the bad press he's received from his archaic anti-Gay nonsense. His clearly staged embrace at an Olympic afterparty with Gold medal-winning Dutch athlete Ireen Wust who became the first openely gay athlete to win a medal at Sochi, just didn't seem legit, but I can still see the money in it.
This one plays right into the hands of the anti-Gay movement, but not they way they might think;
'Are you a proud Heterosexual who's having a hard time adjusting to the rapidly changing world you live in? Does the idea of possibly having spent your life in the company of Homosexuals plague you alone at night, in your bed, under the sheets? Is there a gnawing, incessant desire within you to experience something new and exciting, but it's just so brash and daring that you would rather just join the ignorant mob that would blindly destroy that which they don't understand in order for you to feel safe?
You're not alone (though statistically, we wouldn't call it a big tent or anything).
Now there's new GAYAWAY® (from the makers of Cretina® and Bigotel®), a delicious and definitely not fruit-flavored powdered drink mix that can keep unwanted thoughts of same sex dalliances from invading your consciousness for up to 8 hours!
GAYAWAY® is a unique combination of Biblically inspired ingredients and good old fashioned narcotics that will keep you high functioning, but straight as an arrow, no matter what the occasion.
Developed in partnership with Russian scientists and personally tested by President Vladimir Putin himself, GAYAWAY® provides you with the reassurance that no matter how hot that buffed, Alpine skier with the perfect pecs and tight butt may be, or how devilishly sexy some petite Figure Skater with her mini-skirt not quite hiding her Lambda tattoo is, you can rest easy that they will tease you only in your mind.
GAYAWAY®; when you're just not so sure of yourself.'
Take that Don Draper.