From the transgender controversies of the modern era to crocodiles in the bowl, the humble toilet has been a source of amusement and interest since its prototype first cradled Queen Elizabeth’s lady-bottom in 1596. But while lavatorial evolution is to some a fascinating concept, a different kind of evolution is far more relevant to our daily lives: the social evolution. In tandem with the rise of the public loo, our vision of it as more than just a functional space has advanced immeasurably. The cultural idea of a visit to the bathroom now stands for more than just a number.
The bathroom is an opportunistic hotbed for many. From sex acts to committee meetings, the humble space is our sanctum from the outside world. Today, more than ever, true stories emerge of how dumb humans have gotten themselves locked up, knocked up or knocked out whilst engaging in something other than Nature’s call. Take for instance the 2017 case of the policewoman who had sex in a fast-food chain restroom with a woman she was looking after or the Texan woman who got her arm stuck in the U-bend of her own loo as she attempted to plunge... by hand!
We’ve found here 15 of the grossest, weirdest, and downright most unthinkable things that have taken place in women’s bathrooms. Want to know how much we thrive in the vastly altered terrain of the bathroom? Check this:
15 Body Dismemberment
One of the most gruesome crimes committed in recent years took place in the city of Seattle, Washington. 37-year-old local John Charlton met Ingrid Lyne on a dating site and had been seeing her for around a month. Oblivious to the long string of Charlton’s aggravated offenses, Ingrid made the fatal mistake of inviting him back to her flat after they had been to see a football game.
The rest, as they say, is history and way too gruesome to put into writing. Investigators found plenty of evidence relating to Lyne’s dismemberment, and Charlton was charged with first-degree murder in April last year. It’s not the first time a bathroom has been used for such goings on. Back in 2015, Welsh laborer Christopher May was jailed for life for the murder and disassembly of Tracey Woodford whom he had met one night at a local pub. A butcher by trade, Woodford’s fate was even more horrific.
14 Glory Hole?
Peep shows have been around for years, but when you end up the star of the show and you’re not getting paid for it, it’s time to take action. For a while, at least it looked as if a high-class club in London was selling tickets for such an event until a young woman visiting the ladies’ loo stemmed the odd goings-on. Paying a visit to the historic Dean Street townhouse in London, 21-year-old Becca Meier noticed holes drilled into each of the cubicle doors at crotch height.
The manager of the venue was baffled and apologetic, especially since Dean Street had a reputation to maintain. The boutique hotel and restaurant has hosted Katy Perry and Gwyneth Paltrow, to name but a few. In the end, the holes were quickly filled in by maintenance after Meier brought the issue to the attention of the press. But such goings-on tend to leave a bad taste in the mouth.
13 Geordie Shore
The British reality TV series Geordie Shore has been aired since 2011. It follows the remotely entertaining lives of a group of ordinary folk from Tyneside in north-east England, colloquially known as Geordies. The fourth episode of Season 7 saw, among other things, Charlotte Crosby finding a special way to please her boyfriend, Mitch. With the offer of help from her friend Marnie, the two headed off to the bathroom as Crosby attempted a Clone-a-P---y kit.
With the two of them engaged in the process, Marnie believed the experience would address previous friendship issues between her and Charlotte. They weren’t speaking to each other at the time, you see. According to Lifestyle One, “Marnie is sure that helping to take a mold of Charlotte’s ‘fairy’ will bring them closer together.” As it happened, Charlotte wanted her fake taco unloaded as quickly as possible. She coined it a “weird experience.”
12 Unexpected Finds
Myths about strange non-native animals being found in sewer systems perpetuate to this day. One of the most popularised claims is of alligators in New York sewer systems lying in wait and ready to chomp on the unwary bon-bon. While some stories of this ilk are made up, there is, according to City Metric, an element of truth to them. Certainly, instances were being reported as New York began to rise as a mega-city. In 1935, some young folk saw one climbing out of a manhole in the Bronx.
In the spirit of our list, we think the most unusual find – especially in a woman’s bathroom – is this squirrel from 2013. Suspected of having been plunged up into Angela Campbell’s bowl by some recent water mains work, the little feller ended up treading water. She recalled how she “finally summoned the courage, [she] flipped the lid to find a small, drenched squirrel grasping the sides of her toilet bowl.” The squirrel was nursed back to health.
11 Women's Periods
Women have been having periods for years; it all started when they stopped laying eggs because the weather got too cold. They had to find another way. Since then, the fairer sex has been growing eggs in their tummies, which happens to be the warmest place in their bodies. Now, most sex education classes will teach you a little about periods and what causes them... if an egg doesn’t get fertilized, it drops out in a period or menstruation. But what most teachers don’t tell you are all the habits that grow up around a woman’s cycle.
Menstruation can muck about with bowels big time, from a full-on Havana omelette to bringing everything to a screeching halt. It can also induce vomiting and fainting and catch people completely unawares. One of the most popular bathroom pastimes of your average menstruating woman is checking her undercrackers for signs of leakage.
10 Woman Beats Off S-x Attacker
It pays to learn a little self-defense. And for this Seattle woman, a few Krav Maga moves saved her life. Kelly Heron was on a morning run when she popped into the public facilities in the city’s Golden Garden’s Park. Drying her hands, she noticed the presence of a man behind her. She told ABC News at the start of the year, “He immediately took me down to the ground, hit both my knees and legs. It was a fight on the bathroom floor, and all I could think was 'not today motherf*****.'”
The 36-year-old runner, who had been learning some self-defense moves, managed to beat off the attacker and keep him locked in the cubicle until police arrived. The swiftly identified registered sex offender, Gary Steiner, was cuffed and led from the scene, leaving Heron battered but otherwise unharmed physically. “I learned to put hard bones in soft fleshy places. So I just started beating the side of his head with the side of my hand.”
9 Katie Price
True to form, the sassy and (some say) downright offensive Katie Price (Katrina Infield, Jordan, Katie Andre, Reid and Hayler) made a spectacle of herself in December of last year. Paid £100,000 to appear at a party for whatever reason, Price tore down the house with her unseemly behaviour and bathroom antics. The bash, laid on by EnergySave chief Jason Rowan, took place at Derby County’s Pride Park Stadium in the UK and was a Christmas present to his staff.
Rowan made the fatal mistake of inviting Price to hand out awards and had even put aside three rooms in a nearby hotel for her to use to get changed. Arriving three sheets to the wind, Price made her presence felt and began tearing up the place with foul language before stripping off in the bathroom and having Rowan’s 16-year-old daughter touch her breasts. So, all in all, just another day at the office.
8 Time Out
Trawling the internet, we found some excellent examples of what women get up to in their bathroom time. And it’s not all about performing bodily functions. In fact, it seems to us the majority of activities in the bathroom aren’t even bathroom-related.
Despite recent health warnings about using a phone or tablet in the loo, more of us than ever before are taking the opportunity to get online while on the John. The Metro advises that particular habit to stop because users could be “exposing [themselves] and others to germs like salmonella, E. Coli, and C. Difficile.” Speaking to The Metro, Dr Ackerley said, “If you wipe your bum then pick up your phone, you may as well not bother washing your hands because all the bacteria you put on your phone will end up back on your hands.” But do we listen? Not usually, for the simple reason that the toilet is often the last vestige of peace and quiet from the hectic outside world.
7 Judy Garland
American singer and actress Judy Garland began her rise to fame as a teenager. Signed to MGM, she made more than two dozen films, including nine with Mickey Rooney. Garland's most famous role was as Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz (1939). From then on, her fame was assured, and her image as an American sweetheart gained her romantic interest from the likes of Artie Shaw, David Rose, and Sidney Luft.
But Garland, in her own words, felt trapped by the ruthless MGM move machine. According to an article in the Mail Online in 2014, the actress wanted to “hit back at the toll endless work-days took on her, the lack of real schooling, how she was plied with pills to thin and pills to sleep and crush the endlessly perpetuated myths and lies about her life and loves.” She was found slumped over her own toilet on 22nd June, 1969 having OD’d on barbiturates and amphetamines.
6 Makeshift Beauty Parlour
Men are frequently baffled by the tendency of a woman to spend more than two minutes in a public convenience. It’s partly to do with the more complicated mechanics of lady wees but also can be put down to beautification. In a 2015 poll conducted by Vaseline Spray Moisturiser, 1000 women were asked about their beautifying habits. The researchers found that British women, in their lifetime, spend roughly £12,500 on beauty products, over two years “perfecting health and beauty regimes,” and an average of two hours a day getting ready.
A dodgy Cosmo article included favorite pastimes of women in bathrooms: “We love to squeeze stuff out of our faces, . . . picking pimples, . . . picking noses," and an even dodgier Bustle list added, “We give Ourselves A Pre-Sex Pep Talk” and “Sit On The Pot Just To Rest Our Legs & Feet.”
5 Awkward Selfie
From “The most famous selfie in the world” featuring the likes of Julia Roberts, Ellen DeGeneres, and Channing Tatum to the most lurid display of ego and hubris ever. Back in 2015, Met Gala banned the taking of selfies during the show presumably to enable official photographers to get a good price for exclusive pics. But this didn’t seem to stop Kylie Jenner flouting the charity gala rules and snapping a group shot of her with her cronies.
The picture was taken in the ladies bathroom and features a schmuck-asbord of B-listers in direct contravention of the rule. However, when it was posted up on Instagram, 1.35 million likers weren’t so bothered. Ashley Graham was also prone to flouting the rules that night and said, “You guys, I'm in, and I'm not supposed to be doing any social media, but this is so freaking awesome!”
You don’t have to wait too long in life to encounter weirdness in a public restroom. Hell, you can even go looking for it if you’re that way inclined. Police are regularly summoned to our local outhouses on suspicion of naughtiness. However, many times, public fears are allayed when it’s discovered the moaning and groaning are simply from someone trying to pass a particularly stubborn doo-doo.
A submission to BuzzFeed in 2015 by Michelle Regna exposed the creepier side of women’s bathrooms. It surrounds her visit to a local shopping mall toilet and an encounter with what she thought was a demonic presence. Having sat in the first cubicle, a woman backed out slowly and went into the one next to it. Regna dropped her drawers in the first and proceeded to do her thing, but pretty soon, she heard devilish screaming from the cubicle next to her, in her own words, “Exorcist sh!t.” Well, we guess they must do.
3 Marnie Simpson
Back to Geordie Shore now and speculation that one of the stars had taken a class-A substance on a night out. The Mirror ran an article at the end of last year on an incident in the ladies’ loo at Inferno nightclub in Shrewsbury, England. According to the online paper, Marnie Simpson was snapped by an amateur sleuth as she sat in the next cubicle. What’s more, “The brunette is holding a mobile phone in her right hand and a line of what appears to be white powder is on top of it.”
Apparently laughing the evidence off, Simpson went back to her bouncers and had the videoing girl thrown out, just in case she tried the same stunt twice. If the white powder was what we suspect it was, it’s a sad old day for the Z-list celeb who, after rising to notoriety in the hit programme, has since been trying to make something of herself.
An oft-practised activity called the “Valsalva manoeuvre” is reported to have claimed the lives of many a pooper. Practitioners of the manoeuvre have usually suffered with a bout of chronic constipation and more often than not resort to physical force to dislodge the blockage. The technique involves 'contraction of the chest muscles on a closed glottis with simultaneous contraction of the abdominal muscles,' according to experts.
By putting intense pressure on the circulatory system, many people have succumbed to “straining a stool.” It's believed that Catherine the Great, Empress of Russia in the 1800s, died this way. Retiring to her boudoir at the Winter Palace, St. Petersburg, the unfortunate empress is reported to have overdone the Valsalva technique and had a stroke. Her attendant, Zakhar Zotov, made the discovery and carried her back to her bed where she sadly died.
The ever-popular toilet quickie has been around since time immemorial. The temptation of a closed off space to storm the cotton gin is too overpowering for some of our more amorous couples. Many have made the news, usually by being caught with their pants down. But be warned: unlike the more tolerant laws governing our outdoor nookie, the performance of a lewd act in a public convenience is controlled by a whole different set of rules; you'll be court-martialled for riding the flagpole.
The Sun ran a story in 2016 about the strangely popular UK reality show Big Brother. It centred on two of the housemates who had previously gotten close over the course of some weeks. While attachments regularly run amok in the house, Chloe Khan and Stephen Bear took things to another level and allegedly bumped uglies in the bathroom -- on national TV.
Sources: en.wikipedia.org, thesun.co.uk, dailymail.co.uk, cbc.ca, telegraph.co.uk