Half the reason any of us goes to the beach once we hit a certain age is to check out the kind of people we find attractive wearing as little clothing as possible in public. While most men and women would never be caught dead in their underwear in public, they’re found walking around a beach in front of thousands of strangers in a swimsuit. We don’t get it, but as long as they keep doing it, we’ll keep going.
Of course, there are always those people who don’t seem to understand the idea that certain bathing suits are ill-fitting and that even if you once had a tremendous body, time and gravity (and having babies, if you’re a woman) will do a number to your once nice-looking body. There are also people who don’t seem to recognize what kind of a body they have to begin with and instead dress for the body type they wish they had.
Celebrities are not strangers to this phenomenon. There are ultra skinny celebrities who really do no favors to themselves in a bikini and ultra large ones who should simply know better. It’s probably tougher for the female celebrity who was once bikini-worthy but now shouldn’t shop anywhere but the one-piece rack.
So, we’ll indict a few from every category with this list. Big or small, or maybe even a victim of horrible plastic surgery, here are 16 Women Nobody Wants To See in a Bikini Anymore this Summer.
16 Alyson Hannigan
We’re going to hope that Alyson Hannigan is just sucking in her stomach here, but if not, we hope not to run into her on any of our visits to the beach this summer. For a 43-year-old woman, she’s not let herself go, but she also looks like she hasn’t let herself have a snack since that one time in band camp. She’s one of those women who don’t seem to age, but that doesn’t mean you can continue to dress like you’re 19 years old. American Pie and How I Met Your Mother likely set her up for life, so we think she could consult with some kind of style expert and figure out how to make her trips to the beach a little less offending to all of our lives. Start with a Big Mac and large fries.
15 Kelly Ripa
While it may appear like we’re fat shaming with this list, we’re not. We’re pointing to people who don’t look good in bikinis. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but we also like to think we understand what the mainstream goes for, and in the case of Kelly Ripa, she looks like an old lady with something physically wrong. If somebody claimed she had an eating disorder, we would believe them. We doubt she does, but if it’s that easy for someone to start a rumor based on your physical appearance, wouldn’t you do what you could to try and make sure the rumor doesn't start in the first place? Apparently, being a vapid morning show host takes a lot out of you. Maybe she should host more of the cooking segments.
Kesha (we refuse to spell her name with a $ for the ‘S’) is one of those people who seem to have fallen out of fame and doesn’t really know what to do at this point. She had two super popular songs nearly a decade ago and since then was a judge on a horrible failure of a reality show, got into a giant fight with her record company, made a public embarrassment of herself a couple of times, and apparently forgot what beachwear is flattering and what just makes you look like a walking human parfait. It sounds like she’s pulled her life together and is in a better place now than she's been in a long time, but somebody needs to go swimsuit shopping with this girl before summer ends.
13 Britney Spears
The truth is, maybe this month is a good one for Britney and bikinis... or maybe it’s one of those 'spare tire around the middle' months. We put Britney so early in this list because it seems like there are few celebrities who've gone back and forth yet still maintain a level of sexiness that Spears does. We’re beginning to wonder if it’s actual sexiness or if it’s just that thing that the inappropriate crazy chick with the mental issues in the trailer park has. It’s that thing that makes most strippers look hot, except when they get in good light. It’s gotta be tough to grow up in the spotlight, and Spears, who is now in the neighborhood of 40, has been under a microscope for a long, long time. That microscope just needs a wider lens than usual.
12 Lena Dunham
Lena Dunham is a woman about whom, when you watch her show Girls on HBO, you can’t help but think, “Who gave this woman a show, and who thinks this is any good?” Maybe there are a certain number of late twenty-something women in New York City who can relate to this hipster tale of mediocrity, but for the rest of us... blech. One of the more interesting decisions on the show, made by Dunham herself, is to appear naked quite often. As you can tell, based on the picture, she doesn’t exactly have the body type that usually fills the role of gratuitous nudity on HBO Original Programming, but it was Dunham who wanted to do it. She’s said it makes everything more “real,” but after reading stories of her sexual inappropriateness with her sister when she was young, there’s clearly something else going on there. We wish it was going on with jeans and a long-sleeve shirt.
11 Courtney Love
We were actually a little surprised by how bad Courtney Love looks in a bikini these days, but we also think it’s pretty brave for any woman who's 53 years old to put on a bikini -- especially when the woman's done as much to her body as Love has. Hopefully, Frances Bean can take care of her body a little better so she doesn’t end up looking like her mother in 30 years. Maybe this is exactly what a 53-year-old woman’s body is supposed to look like. That’s fine. Cover it up. We can’t imagine that Love is at the beach because she’s such a big fan of parasailing or playing volleyball. Go ahead and throw a one-piece on. Nobody is going to think you’re suddenly not edgy because we all thought you stopped being edgy the moment you released the song "Doll Parts" in the late 1990s. You’ve got a heck of a story, just not a heck of a body.
10 Serena Williams
There’s this misconception that so many people have in this world that when they defy public convention, it makes them a strong, independent person. Among that tiny minority who thinks coloring outside the lines makes you special, the misconception may ring true, but for the rest of us, we built this society with a different set of rules. Here’s the thing. Serena Williams is pregnant. We don’t think she’s pregnant in this photo because it was from long before she announced, but this wasn’t a good look either. She knows what to do. Just check out the older photo on the right. Can she wear what she wants? Yes, legally, she can. Any fat woman and any pregnant woman can wear whatever they want, but when you get the scorn and nasty looks from other people, don’t act surprised and don’t be offended. When you bring things upon yourself, don’t expect us to feel bad about it, especially when it comes to outward appearance.
9 Mindy Kaling
Okay, so here’s where we’re going to give Mindy Kaling a big thumbs-up where we can’t for most of the women on this list. While we found several very cute photos of Mindy Kaling wearing bathing suits from years ago, we couldn’t find any photos of her galavanting on the beach recently in swimwear that isn’t appropriate in public for her body type. Kaling is outspoken about fat shaming and Hollywood judging people based on looks -- both things that, despite maybe seeming contrary to this list, we agree with. But we also think that Kaling is one of the smarter women in Hollywood by accentuating her strengths and assets. While her show, The Mindy Project, gets progressively more painful to watch with each passing season, we think that she could be a role model for larger actresses and comedians, many of which are on this list.
8 Tara Reid
Sure, Tara Reid is an easy target and has been one for almost 20 years since the 1999 debut of American Pie. Unlike a lot of movies, where a smart person plays a dumb blonde, things went the other way, and Reid played somebody far smarter than she could ever hope to be. Her character even goes on to college! After American Pie, Reid was in a couple of direct-to-video (the late 90s version of straight-to-Netflix) movies and hosted the last couple of season of the E! Channel show, Wild On! Where she basically went around the world visiting beaches. Along the ways, she decided on some plastic surgery. Why she chose a doctor who was legally blind, clearly had no working hands, and probably never went to medical school is beyond us, but the results were catastrophic. Reid owned it -- you gotta give her that -- and never made the transition to a one-piece that we’ve all been waiting for.
7 Drew Barrymore
The little girl from ET and Firestarter who never made another good movie (we might give you 50 First Dates, but if you bring up the Charlie’s Angels movies, you’re insane) has been married three times. So? It shows that she rushes into things without really thinking them through. After three times, you’ve got to figure it’s just part of her DNA, so there’s probably not much to do except wait to see who the future No. 4 ex-Mr. Drew Barrymore is. And when it comes to rushing into things and not thinking them through, we have to put Drew Barrymore frolicking in what might be a bikini or might just be something found at a lumberjack camp on this list. She used to look great when she was matching her top and bottom. There are some women who could pull the mismatched look off, but apparently, Drew Barrymore ate them. Hey, if you can drive Tom Green from marriage because you’re too much to deal with, that’s Hall of Fame material.
6 Rebel Wilson
With most of the women on this list, there was a point in time we wanted to see them in a bikini, but when we see them now, we long for the days when they were considered to have good beach bodies. Rebel Wilson doesn't fall into that category. We have no problem with a woman who has some meat on her bones. (You’ll notice several of the women are on this list because they should put on a few pounds. They’d look healthier with a few more cheeseburgers in them.) Not the case with Rebel Wilson. She might be the nicest person in the world -- although she comes off as obnoxious in her interviews, in our opinion -- and we understand that there are many men in this world with a fetish geared toward women of size. There are also guys who like to wear diapers, suck pacifiers, and be treated as babies. We’re just saying, if it’s between her and any other member of the Pitch Perfect cast to see in a bikini on a beach, we’d pick the other cast member, and that includes the men, too.
5 Janice Dickinson
Being inside Janice Dickinson’s head must be interesting. She's come across as being in denial of reality and being in such need of attention and celebrity that she’s the kind of trainwreck who's going to devolve into someone that looks like Skeletor’s grandmother on the beach. Dickinson doesn’t seem to understand that she’s 62 yet looks 82. She thinks she still looks 32, and while she was hot way back then, that supermodel train left the station a long time ago. From her fake boobs to her fake lips to what we hope is fake hair, she looks like a therapist’s dream. And of course, she was one of the women who came out against Bill Cosby. Maybe he did something he shouldn’t have, but Dickinson never said a word until she knew there would be headlines attached to her story. Oh, and because some of you may be eating as you look at this, we gave you one of the much nicer photos of the former supermodel these days.
4 Alanis Morissette
We always wondered if Alanis Morissette was hot. We first saw her on the Nickelodeon show You Can’t Do That On Television, and then, she went off to Canadian pop bubblegum singer fame for a few years before appearing in America a little more than 20 years ago with her "Jagged Little Pill" album. The song "You Oughta Know" rocked, and the video made us wonder if this woman who was barely visible, was hot. We couldn’t figure it out. Then, she does a video for the song "Thank You" where, except for the part we can show here, she was completely naked. Again, we couldn’t figure out if she was hot. Fast-forward to today, and we’ve seen too many pictures of Alanis Morissette on a beach. We have our answer. No. The answer is no.
3 Amy Schumer
Amy Schumer is what happens when you take Jenny McCarthy and subtract the hot body. Amy Schumer is a strong woman not because she doesn’t care what people think of her physically and delivers potty humor that would make third-grade boys giggle. She’s a strong woman because she looks like she could lift a car like young Clark Kent in Superman. We hope that Amy Schumer’s 15 Minutes of Fame is over, and it has nothing to do with her body; it’s because she’s not entertaining and knows it but thinks nobody else had cracked the code. There are a lot of hilarious women out there these days, but just like Jenny McCarthy showed that people will pay attention to a hot girl who can be crude like a guy, Schumer proved people will pay attention to a female comedian who's crude like a guy. And much like with McCarthy, we expect Schumer to fade into B-level celebrity status quickly.
2 Lisa Rinna
Lisa Rinna went from being an actress who looked like she had a chance of building a decent career for herself, to becoming known for being actor Harry Hamlin’s wife, to now being the butt of many jokes when it comes to plastic surgery. While she certainly hasn’t strayed into otherworldly Shauna Sands territory, it’s probably time for Mrs. Hamlin to stop making trips to the plastic surgeon and to put on a one-piece more befitting someone of her 54 years. We couldn’t imagine having to go to the beach with our mother if she looked like that and insisted on still wearing a bikini. There’s probably only two percent of the female population that can still pull off bikinis at that age, and Lisa Rinna isn’t part of that minority. Once your stomach looks like a saddle, like on the right, it's time to cover up what was once beautiful, like on the left.
1 Queen Latifah
So, as we're narrowing down which celebrities would make it on this list, we saw way too many photos of Queen Latifah wearing one-piece bathing suits at the beach. Part of us thought, “Well, at least we don’t have to see her in a bikini,” but then, the other half of us hoped we’d find something because we didn’t think that a one-piece was proper beach attire. Then, the heavens smiled upon us, and these photos popped up. We know Queen Latifah has never been tiny model size, and we respect her body of work, but given the fact that she’s getting close to 50 and is probably near 300 pounds, we have no idea why she wanted to be seen in a bikini. If it’s for the attention, mission accomplished, but she doesn’t seem like that type of celebrity. Maybe she doesn’t care, and that’s the surest way to get yourself voted off Celebrity Island.
Sources: Daily Mail; Wikipedia; Mirror
Leave A Comment
Looking for an AD FREE EXPERIENCE on TheRichest?Get Your Free Access Now!