There’s a saying called “Breaking the Internet.” You’ve probably heard of it before. It doesn’t happen often but every now and then something happens that causes a whole boatload of people to go crazy online at the same time, knocking out the servers at a particular site or just overwhelming the trending news of that day with their thing and their thing only. Sometimes it’s an accident and sometimes it is totally, mercilessly planned down to the last detail. The primary culprit when it comes to "breaking" the internet is our favorite curvaceous beauty and “non-celebrity-celebrity,” Kim Kardashian. Kim usually does it on purpose, like when her butt appeared on the cover of the online magazine Paper under the header “Break the Internet Kim Kardashian.” It takes a certain amount of moxie to try to break the Internet and Kimmie K’s certainly got that in spades.
Then there are the weird, accidental times that a news cycle gets overwhelmed with a story and a major site goes down. That’s kind of what happened when the Grateful Dead, the old ‘60s hippie band, announced that they would do three 50th anniversary “Fare Thee Well” shows at Chicago’s Soldier Field a few summers ago. Their crazy fans flooded the Internet with the news and crashed Ticketmaster trying to get seats. It was totally unexpected and pretty strange.
And then there’s the “Queen of All Media” (at least, that’s what I call her) the awesomely hot Kate Upton, who has given us more than we can handle on the Internet, on the covers of magazines, and in movies these past few years. Hell, she even broke broadcast TV and YouTube with some of her banned commercials. Let’s check out Kate, giving you more than you can handle.
15 Hello Newbie!
We might as well start back where it all began, right? I’m sure you know all about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. It’s one of those things that normal red-blooded American dudes live for, like the NCAA Tournament and late night White Castle runs. Well, Kate started her run in the venerable pin-up issue back in 2011. As you can see right here, I’m not really sure why the folks at Sports Illustrated ever thought we would want to see Kate in all her glory. It’s not like she’s fantastically hot, has a great smile, and an even greater pair of assets, if you know what I mean… OK, you know I’m pulling your leg, right? Sports Illustrated knew they had a winner in Kate right away, naming her their swimsuit “Rookie of the Year.” We all knew she was a winner too- just look at her here; she’s way too much for either you or I to handle.
14 First Cover
Like I said above, Sports Illustrated knew they had money in the bank with Kate. After her successful rookie “season” (see how I tied it back into the “sports” in Sports Illustrated there?) the magazine invited her back for an encore appearance. But this time Kate was in the big leagues and swinging for the fences- hey, I’m kind of good at this analogy thing, aren’t I? Anyway, they put her right on the cover for the 2012 edition. And why not? Do you see what Kate’s got going on there? Kate would make a dead man sit up in his coffin and take notice, if you know what I mean. Kate was so hot in 2012 that even she herself wanted to pose with her cover. Of course, now I can’t decide if Swimsuit Kate or Kate in Red is hotter- decisions, decisions.
13 Let’s Play Two
Kate and America’s most famous pin-up, I mean sports-related, magazine had a good thing going now- all cylinders were firing for the both of them and the partnership continued to grow. So, you ask, what could be hotter than 2012 Kate? Do you want to know? Do you really want to know??? The answer is “Yes” here, guys, in case you were wondering. Well, the only thing that could be hotter than Kate, model year 2012 (you do see what I did there with “model year,” right?) is Kate defending her crown in 2013. Yup, there she is on the cover of SI again. You asked for her, you got her. Twice in a row. What Kate’s doing here to us in her white bikini bottoms and fur-lined parka just isn’t fair, is it? Not to mention the headline guys at Sports Illustrated nailed it with their “Polar Bare” reference. I’m handing out gold medals all around for this one!
12 The Triple Crown
OK, I’m sure you know what comes next. Just like Larry Bird in the ‘80s, Michael Jordan and Brett Favre in the ‘90s, and June Mar Fajardo in the 2010s, Kate would be “MVP” of Sports Illustrated for three years with her 2017 cover appearance. That’s right; she just “won” the cover again this year. Oh yeah, and by the way, since I know you’re asking, June Mar Fajardo is the reigning three-time winner of the Philippine Basketball Association’s MVP award- how could you guys not know that??? Anyway, just look at Kate here in 2017- you know you can’t even remotely handle that, can you now? I know I couldn’t as much as I desperately might want to try. At this point I can’t even decide which of her three special 2017 covers I like the best. Because let’s face it guys- Kate is a goddess and we are all just mere mortals trying to revolve around her deity.
11 She Really Is A Goddess
You know how I said Kate was a goddess? Well, I wasn’t lying. Here’s Kate as Athena from her Game of War campaign. Game of War is, of course, a multi-player, totally intense, online gaming experience enjoyed by millions. I’m not entirely sure Kate’s actually a player but she sure does look the part, doesn’t she? So, let me get this straight. Kate is not only the sexiest swimsuit model ever but she’s also very much in charge when asked to play the hottest, smartest mythological goddess out there. How can she not be the most awesome lady we’ve ever met? Well, hope to meet would be more accurate, I guess. Kate made every gamer, sci-fi/fantasy nerd, and Fanboy incredibly happy when she signed on with the Game of War franchise. Like, beyond happy. Like, getting down on our hands and knees and literally praying to this goddess-on-earth to never, ever stop making these commercials.
10 Game Of War Redux
Sadly, Kate’s time as the sexiest fake-goddess in the history of sexy fake goddesses didn’t last. Mariah Carey actually replaced her in 2015. Now I’ve got nothing against Mariah when it comes to the, ahem, assets department, but she sure as hell ain’t Kate. No one is Kate except Kate. Don’t believe me? Check out Kate’s latest campaign for the game in 2014. There’s no way you can possibly put this sultry scene side by side with Mariah’s work for the gaming series and say Mariah should come out on top. You want the truth? Can you handle the truth??? Probably not but I’ll still say it- Kate is the only goddess you’ll ever need. By the way, just out of curiosity, how much would you pay to be one of her “attendants” helping her bathe in this shot? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Me too.
9 Baywatch Body
Just in case you thought Kate was all body and no brain, and we both know you did, check her out in this Baywatch parody. Yeah, I know you’re not looking at her brain right now and wondering what she thinks about. I know you’re looking at that Baywatch bikini and wondering how the hell she ever even fit into it. You’re looking at her running along that beach heading straight toward you and trying to figure out how you can fake a choking fit and get a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, you dirty dog you! But what I actually like the most here is that it shows Kate has a sense of humor about the whole thing. I’m telling you, a hot chick with a sense of humor is just way, way, way more than your average man can possibly handle. I hope she throws like a girl…
The fact that Kate made her bones as a swimsuit model for the most famous pin-up (I means sports- I’ve got to stop doing that!) magazine around these days shouldn’t detract from the fact that she’s done more than her fair share of “real” modeling. In fact, none other than the legendary Vogue actually put her on the cover of their magazine and called her the “hottest supermodel on earth.” Well, duh, Vogue! We already knew that. We didn’t need your fancy-schmancy opinion to cement that fact. But, it certainly is nice for Kate to get the recognition. Now you’ll notice that the editors at Vogue aren’t necessarily stupid. They still put Kate in a swimsuit, even if it’s a little bit more toned down than some of her other shoots. They actually made Kate a little bit of a Marilyn Monroe wannabe, if you’re into that sort of thing.
7 SI Redux, 2012
Let’s get back to what made Kate famous, shall we? Here’s a nice little shot of Kate doing what she does best from her 2012 Sports illustrated shoot; the one where she first became a superstar. Now don’t get me wrong- I’m certainly not saying that the only thing Kate is good for or can do is loll about on a beach getting sprayed by the surf and getting sand in all the wrong places. What I’m saying is that Kate is so hot, so undeniably, naturally sexy, that she and a bikini are just basically a match made in heaven. I mean, just look at her will ya! In fact, I think I’m gonna need to do some additional research on this photo shoot to prove my theory, said research to consist of Googling “Kate Upton bikini,” go figure. Hold tight guys, I’ll be back in a few with my results…
6 SI Redux, 2013
Can I just say “Wow!” Kate has stolen my heart. She is one of the few true supermodels who seems like she might actually be a nice person and possibly down-to-earth as well. You and I both know that most supermodels are basically completely inaccessible and don’t have any bearing on our real lives. That’s actually the problem with Kate- most of us guys can actually daydream that she’s just a normal, girl-next-door type. She’s probably not but you would never know it from her shoots. I don’t mean she’s probably not cool, I just mean she’s probably not gonna hang out with you so you can stop your daydreaming and get back to work. By the way, Kate apparently suffered from some vision and hearing problems during this shoot from working in the extreme cold in a bikini- that’s our Kate, a trooper all the way!
5 SI Redux, 2017
…Oh, sorry guys, I was distracted by the pic above. I have a feeling you might have been too, am I right??? So, you know how good wines supposedly get better with age? Apparently so does Kate. Here’s one more pic of her from her 2017 Sports Illustrated cover shoot, just to prove my point. Can we all just step back and appreciate the total and absolute, the ridiculously utter sexiness that is Kate Upton? Can we do that, gentlemen? This might be my favorite picture of anybody, anywhere of all time. OK, the on-field celebration of the 2004 world Series-winning Red Sox is my favorite picture of all time but Kate is definitely a very close second and rising, if you know what I mean. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so I’ll just leave it at that. If that’s OK with you guys, that is. I’m pretty sure it is.
4 Vanity Fair Cover
I’m sure everybody remembers a few entries ago when I mentioned that Kate graced the cover of Vogue in a swimsuit and I basically said “Of course she did- they know what sells.” Well, I’m not gonna say I was wrong with that statement. I just didn’t realize how very hot Kate looks when she gets “all cleaned up” as the saying goes. Check her out here on the cover of the 100th anniversary of Vanity Fair. She’s still not exactly dressed for a formal black-tie occasion but hey, at least she’s not wearing a swimsuit. In fact, I’m not quite sure what Kate is wearing here but it looks like some kind of flapper outfit from the ‘20s. Or maybe she was going for the Marilyn look again. If she was, she totally nailed it. In fact, I’d be willing to bet having Kate sing “Happy Birthday” to you is every bit as hot and bothersome as Marilyn’s version was. A man can have dreams, can’t he?
3 Carl’s Jr. Ad
If you thought that Kate’s ads for Game of War were hot then you ain’t seen nothing yet. Sure, it’s not easy to play the role of a classical goddess but how about trying to sell an average fast-food burger? Who knew that the best way to do so would be to have Kate squirming around in the back seat of a car while eating the burger? The double entendre in the ad is worth the price of admission alone. The ad itself was actually so hot that it was banned from being shown on TV but not YouTube, just in case you were wondering. Kate went ahead and did another Super Bowl ad for Carl’s Jr. that featured her walking “naked” through a farmer’s market that was also banned. It’s pretty hot, but personally I don’t think it has anything on the first one. There’s just something about the way Kate comes off writhing around in the back seat, fully enjoying her meat, as it were.
Well, we’re almost at the end of our wild ride with Kate. I think it should be pretty clear to everyone involved that, maybe just maybe, Kate looks good in a bikini. It’s pretty clear to me, anyway. In fact it’s so clear that I’m not really sure what else to show you than Kate in a bikini. Well, how about Kate in a bikini with some very slight technical problems? Would that be OK with you guys? Not sure? Check out the picture above one more time and get back to me. Take your time now; I’m sure you want to try to figure out what exactly caused such a horrible wardrobe malfunction. Does it seem like Kate is a little upset with her outfit and maybe needs a little help fixing it? Sorry dudes, but she sure isn’t gonna be asking you and you couldn’t handle it anyway. After all, she’s got boyfriend and Detroit Tigers’ ace Justin Verlander to do her dirty work. Jerk.
1 The Hottest
Here we have it- the final Kate pic you definitely won’t be able to handle. To be honest, I almost couldn’t decide- there are so many awesomely hot images of Kate out there to choose from. And no, I’m not talking about the stolen nudes of her that were leaked (along with other celebs) back in August of 2014. That is definitely and most decidedly not cool of whomever did it- shame on you dude! It’s not like there aren’t enough uber-hot pics of Kate already out there that she did professionally. Like this one right here from her Baywatch parody shoot. Unlike the other “action” shot of this set that you saw earlier this one is more along the lines of the posed, classical beach beauty. And what a beauty she is- look at those “come hither” eyes, look at those abs, look at those…well, you get my drift. Kate is truly the hottest lady out there.
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