15 Things That Would Happen If The US Lost Against North Korea

One of the possible outcomes that would follow such a disastrous event is the complete destruction of life as we know it.

While the very concept of North Korea taking over America is profoundly upsetting on so many levels for a copious amount of reasons, the “things” we came up with that could potentially happen in lieu of such a tragic event are rather optimistic (save for a few).

If you haven’t been living under a rock (or rather, a massive boulder) for the last few months, then you’ve undoubtedly heard, to some degree, about the mounting tensions between North Korea, the U.S. and, quite frankly, the world, as well as the question of whether or not the rogue nation is capable of carrying out a nuclear attack.

If North Korea, which technically does have nuclear capability, were to ever “win” against the United States, then they’d have found a way to construct a nuclear warhead so it could fit onto a missile and then took the liberty to bomb the world to hell, including (or, should we say, most especially) the U.S.

One of the only possible outcomes that would follow such a disastrous event is the complete annihilation of not just the U.S. but mankind as we know it.

However, if by some unfathomable miracle, a nuclear war did inevitably ensue but did not lead to the destruction of mankind, and North Korea won such a disastrous exchange, then America would undoubtedly become an “extension” of North Korea — like a territory, a slave state, or some other entity whereby it would become just like North Korea, if not worse. Here are some things that would happen in the U.S. if North Korea won (and didn’t blow us all to kingdom come).

15 We Would Have Monuments, More Monuments, And Other North Korean Buildings


It’s not that much of a stretch to think that we would see a lot more monuments honoring North Korean leaders (and a lot less of those that honor anything or anybody else) under North Korean rule. One of the more notable monuments in the rogue state is the Ch’ollima, a 20-meter high bronze statue of Kim Il-sung. So, a great deal of 20-meter-high bronze statues could be expected — maybe with some variations, if we’re lucky.

The U.S. might also be filled to the brim with triangular-shaped complexes, especially hotels. And that’s not because the buildings in North Korea are shaped like triangles. In fact, many feature traditional tiled roof designs. Our hypothesis is based on the fact that one of the most striking buildings in North Korea, the Ryugyong Hotel, has a triangle-esque shape. It’s described as being the tallest in the world (with an impressive 105 stories).

14 We Would Get Very… Harmonious Olympics-Type Games


We got it all wrong with how our athletes compete during the Olympic Games. As it turns out, our united effort is actually quite divisive. But it wouldn't be if North Korea had anything to do with it, and they would.

Under their rule, we’d get to enjoy what they call “mass games,” which are exhibitions where not dozens nor hundreds of participants, but thousands perform highly choreographed dances all at the same time.

Truth be told, saying that a couple thousand will take part is still selling it short. Sources claim there are over 100,000 people performing gymnastics, dances, acrobatics and other kinds of incredible feats simultaneously for a whopping 90 minutes!

In what is undoubtedly a breathtaking display of synchronization, we would have the “pleasure” of hearing these thousands of voices sing and chant their loyalties to those in power, like Kim Jong-un. (And we would most certainly have to sing along.)

13 We Would Read About the Hard Worker… In Every Single Book


Hollywood scripts are sometimes a drag, especially if you want something real. They almost always have a sappy ending and make “love” prevail without fail (because it’s oh so powerful) when it doesn’t. This happens so much that it’s ostensibly led to many Hollywood actors failing to see the difference between fiction and reality and advocating that the only way we can win against our enemies is with “love.” Hugging ISIS won’t work. But we digress.

With Kim Jong-un as the supreme leader, the disgusting cuteness of Hollywood films would seem like works of pure art, as we’d be exposed to stories that follow North Korea’s literary code, which pretty much every single piece of literature abides by, wherein the main characters exude exemplary morality as shown through their upright behavior. Meanwhile, we, the readers, are meant (and highly encouraged through relentless rhetoric) to emulate them to every possible degree.

Rather than enjoying the “surprise” American “twist” in stories (which either realizes the perpetual-nose-in-a-book-reading, glasses-wearing, matronly clothes-donning, makeup-ignorant-and-non-applying, grooming-wanting girl was actually hot after all, or that love for the romance-seeking dolt was actually there all along), we would get this gem. The person whom everyone saw as emotionally cold would actually be a misunderstood hard-working hero whose assiduous nature is attributed to his undying love for his nation.

12 We Would Watch “The Flower Girl”


In addition to reading pretty much the same stories about the same things, our theatrical options would also be greatly limited. But out of the very select few, the one that Kim Jong-un would undoubtedly force upon us the most is “The Flower Girl,” just because it was ostensibly written by President Kim Il-sung, the country’s first president. So, duh, it’s definitely a prerequisite to living.

Now, the title may sound happy-sounding enough, but it’s pretty much the most depressing story in the history of forever. Basically, everyone in the titular flower girl’s life is suffering, and therefore, she, too, suffers. Her mother is always ill and in debt to the landlord, her sister is blind, and her father is dead.

At least her mother is still alive. Oh, wait. Her mother dies, too, just when the flower girl has collected enough money for medicine. And then her sister is supposedly frozen to death in the snow because it’s believed, not proven, that she is possessed by the spirit of her dead mother. And when the flower girl confronts her landlord, she’s chained up.

Oh, joy!

11 We Would Have A Daily Theme Song


You know those annoying clocks that play what sounds like the NBC theme song every hour? Well, Kim Jong-un would decree that we’d get something similar (but so much worse). Every single day at 7 am, without fail, the hymn “Ten Million Human Bombs for Kim II Sung” is played in Pyongyang, North Korea. Another chilling translation: Ten Million Will Become Human Bombs.

Helen-Louise Hunter, in her book Kim Il Sung’s North Korea, wrote on this strange daily occurrence, noting that the hymn plays right when rush hour traffic hits its peak, a small tidbit of information that underlines the brain-washing methodologies of the rogue nation.

And, yes, it gets even creepier. An Australian biomedical engineer who vacations in North Korea once asked the locals about the music, and one of them replied: “What music? What are you talking about?” Is the music so engrained in their minds (and become so much a part of them) that they are no longer aware of it?

In addition to the “Human Bombs” song, we’d probably get to enjoy the plethora of other hymns that give praise to the nation’s leader, with gems like “Song of General Kim Il Sung”, “Long Life and Good Health to the Leader”, and “We Sing Of His Benevolent Love.”

10 We Would Watch “It’s So Funny,” Which Is Apparently Funny, But Isn’t Really


There aren’t that many television shows in North Korea, but one of its productions — “It’s So Funny” — has been on the air since the 1970s, so Kim Jong-un would probably subject us to old, and new, episodes on a daily basis.

And guess what happens in “It’s So Funny?” Every episode usually revolves around a man and woman — both in military uniform (which is actually important) — having a conversation. That’s right. There are decades upon decades of material where people are sitting around and talking about North Korea. Oh, but sometimes they sing and dance. They even try out some slapstick humor. And when they do, their jokes don’t make any sense at all. So that’s a plus, right?

The “only” problem is that the subject matter mostly involves government propaganda. Maybe that’s why the jokes don’t make sense?

9 We Would Have A Lot Less TV


Sure, television is slowly going the way of the buffalo in the U.S. — with many people (this writer included) having ditched cable completely and gotten ever-so-cheap and vastly superior online subscriptions, such as Netflix and Hulu — but for those who still rely on purchasing these 1,000-or-so channels would find this prospect of a five-channel TV lifestyle terrifying. The number of programming is incredibly limited in North Korea.

First off, there are only four major television stations as of August 15, 2015 (there were five) and tuning into foreign broadcasts is prohibited. What’s more, the oldest television station (Korean Central Television) has the most strict and most ridiculous schedule. Plus, it’s the only one that has access to the internet and satellite broadcasting.

KCT only runs for 8 hours (but has a14-hour run on Sundays, key holidays, and emergency events) and all you get are shows focusing on the history and achievements of the Korean Workers’ Party, the Korean People’s Army and Kim Jong-un. Also, the news basically only covers construction projects, history lessons, and accomplishments.

A normal schedule could include the National anthem and other hymns, a recap of special events, followed by documentary specials, afternoon news, press reviews, children’s shows, a law enforcement show, then military show, sports, the evening news, the weather forecast, a sitcom, a drama, a feature film, the late night news, some more weather, music videos, TV listings for tomorrow, and that’s it.


8 We Would Only See A Few Types of Haircuts (And Watch Shows About Them)


We don’t know if this particular section should center on the fact that men are shamed into sporting only a select few hairstyles in North Korea or that there was a five-part television series there about how men should style their hair, entitled “Let’s Trim Our Hair in Accordance with the Socialist Lifestyle” in 2004.

Regardless, there are apparently sanctioned haircuts in the rogue nation, including crew cuts and what are referred to as “high, middle and low” styles. The hair length must be between 1cm and 5cm and hairstyles should be trimmed every 15 days.

This might sound crazy, but they do have an ostensible method for their madness. Apparently, having long hair is unhealthy and can have an adverse effect on your intelligence (or stupidity). Or, as they put it, on your “human intelligence development.”

So, no more hippies. That’s a positive, though, right?

7 There Would Be, Like, No Internet... And No 1st Amendment Rights


It’s a given that there’s literally no free speech in North Korea, so while this particular entry is about the internet (or lack thereof), we’d like to mention how we’d lose democracy and the First Amendment, both crucial rights and practices of the American people.

Not many North Korean citizens have internet access, except for some high-level officials and some special people at some universities. But even computers that do have internet capability are strictly monitored.

Instead, citizens can log onto what North Korea terms as "intranet" or Kwangmyong. And this intranet is filtered heavily by the Korea Computer Center.

In other words, we would not only have highly limited access to the internet (or should we say intranet?), but the term “internet” would undoubtedly be replaced by "intranet."

While this is undoubtedly bad, we’d at least have Androids. Since 2014, North Korean’s version of the Android, Ulium, has been made available to civilians. But it comes stock with a high level of surveillance and controls built into it. So, it would be pretty useless.

6 We Would Be Subjected To The "America Is Horrible" Museum


This one should come as no surprise. North Korea hates America. Kim Jong-un has called America a bunch of horrible names. So there would bound to be a lot of anti-America stuff in a North Korean-ruled America (even though, in this fictional universe, America would undoubtedly be no more, for obvious reasons).

Anyway, in modern North Korea, there’s actually a museum dedicated to a very specific moment in history when the "evil, treacherous" Americans committed rather brutish and barbaric acts. The museum is called the Sinchon Museum of American War Atrocities and documents what they claim to be true events behind the Sinchon massacre.

As is portrayed in the museum, American military forces (along with other supporters) brutally slaughtered, over the course of 52 days, 35,000 people, a quarter of the Sinchon population.

The museum is filled with remains and belongings of those who were ostensibly killed then. There are also what North Korea views as incredibly accurate paintings depicting what the disgusting Americans did, strewn throughout the building. It is truly the most staggering piece of propaganda.

5 We Would Have Public Punishments


While, as a nation, we still perform executions, they’re no longer a public affair. But — surprise, surprise — North Korea has, as of October 2007, resumed public forms of capital punishment. Those who are publicly executed in the rogue nation have partaken in atrocious crimes. But other criminal acts, such as robbery, drug dealing, embezzlement, piracy and vandalism, have also led to public execution.

Here’s an example: a factory chief was once executed in front of a crowd of 150,000 people for making international phone calls from 13 phones, which he had installed in his factory basement. So, in addition to watching people getting punished in public, the threshold that would constitute capital punishment would be much, much lower.

4 We Would Have Forced Labor


Going to a 9-5 job is considered by some to be forced labor. But what we mean by forced labor is very different. It’s when people are employed against their will, and if they fail to comply, they become at risk of destitution, detention, violence, and death.

And, yes, forced labor is common in North Korea, the labor mainly being that of the mining and textile industries. Children as young as 11 are said to be subjected to forced labor, mainly on farms and construction sites where they gather scrap metals and other materials.

North Korea has also held what we can define as “forced labor” events. There was a 150-Day Battle campaign where the work hours and production of citizens were increased, which was then immediately proceeded by a 100-Day Battle. And, heck, who would stop North Korea from making a 200-Day Battle or a 365-Day Battle if they took over the U.S.?

3 We Would All Starve


Nuclear weapons are called weapons of mass destruction for a reason. They are capable of producing more devastation in an incredibly shorter time frame than conventional weapons. They also cause long-term effects (beyond the initial boom), one of which is described as a “nuclear winter,” a severe and prolonged global climatic cooling effect after widespread firestorms that could last for millennia. During this “winter,” experts say that every human would eventually starve.

The most infamous story involving the usage of a nuclear bomb was the uranium-type nuclear weapon codenamed “Little Boy,” which was unleashed upon Hiroshima in 1945. The death toll was around 70,000.

If one “little” bomb could do so much damage, imagine the destruction from an all-out nuclear war!

2 There Would Be Really Bad Forced Medical Procedures


Regardless of whether you are pro-Life or pro-Choice, you’re bound to view what you’re about to read as truly despicable. For women who are lucky enough to escape North Korea but unlucky enough to be returned by the People’s Republic of China, they are imprisoned in a short-term facility and examined. If a woman is suspected of being impregnated by Chinese men, she is forced to have an abortion. This truly barbaric act is difficult to imagine.

1 We Would Have Pleasure Brigades


Human trafficking is an illegal trade that plagues the United States as well as other nations in the world. But in North Korea, it’s an atrocious act that’s allegedly drafted by the state.

It’s claimed that young people are forced into what’s called kippŭmjo (which translates to Pleasure Group, Pleasure Groups, Pleasure Squad, Pleasure Brigade, or Joy Division) and must provide pleasure for high-ranking officials. Of course, pleasure signifies a great many things, such as massaging and cabaret dancing. But it’s been alleged that, in addition to those pastimes, “pleasure” activities also include much more sinister things. When these “members” are 25 years old, critics claim that they’re forced to marry guards or national heroes. Due to how distinguished these kippŭmjo clientele are, it’s quite possible that these so-called kippŭmjo would start popping up in North Korean-controlled America.

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15 Things That Would Happen If The US Lost Against North Korea