In the United States, there are some people that take socially accepted limits and push them to a somewhat uncomfortable place. Everyone knows that person who just doesn’t want to fulfill their half of the social contract, and chooses to treat the world like they do their homes: terribly. It’s always fun to imagine what kind of places these explosive personalities and pure lack of restraint can take them, but to be honest, it usually just ends up being Walmart.
The chain of super stores has become an American staple in the last twenty years, and being a one-stop-shop for almost every possible basic need in life brings the people in like flies to a bug zapper. But at Walmart, the rednecks know the line of decency is far away and almost non-existent. Still, they have some real guts to show up in public, dressed the way they are. And the craziest part? They’re not even remotely embarrassed! To them, the lack of proper clothes or decent behavior is perfectly acceptable to strut out in public, so long as they’re at Walmart. Their blasé attitude towards it all would be inspiring, if they weren’t so ridiculous. They’re even willing (and happy!) to take selfies, in a Walmart, being who they are for all the internet to see. Here are fifteen redneck selfies that were taken at Walmart that, in retrospect, probably don’t do the human race any favors.
15. Confederate Man, Away!
In modern fiction, the superhero is one of the biggest cultural tropes. In movies, television, and video games, they’ve become a major presence. And sometimes, they can even have a transcendent power within the real world itself. People are inspired by characters like Batman and Spider-Man, and hopefully not this guy. This guy clearly just came from the county fair face-painting station, and insisted on using the American Civil War to inspire the dumbest hero identity ever. Now, he can become the protector that the trailer park has always needed. Maybe he thought a distinct mask would help distract people and keep them from realizing it’s clearly this one guy. But, dude? How is that going to even remotely help protect your identity? That scraggly goatee thing is going to be a dead giveaway if the police ever decide to crack down on the vigilantes in the greater Alabama area.
14. The Juggalo Clown Of Your Nightmares
Juggalos are a loosely affiliated group of music fans, whose musical taste led them to the Insane Clown Posse. Yeah, that weird nuMetal rap clown group who didn’t understand how magnets worked. Those guys are still around, and they’ve actually a pretty sizeable fanbase. And all the more to them for finding an audience and forming a connection with them. But it shouldn’t be surprising that the same people who love those clowns (and that’s not an insult, they’re actually clowns) also love to shop at Walmart. Seeing the two combined shouldn’t be a surprise. But, well, here we are, and there’s a clown woman staring you down in the checkout lane with a bag of pizza bites and a DVD copy of The Crow in her hands. And there’s no way a person is able to see that and not have some of the scariest dreams of their life later that night. (Side note: the rock death clown decided to take this selfie in front of her literal opposite: a modest grey sweater. Truly, it is her kryptonite.)
13. The Sasquatch Of The Walmart Circuit
Just look at this guy, striding through the halls of his local super store. He has the confidence of a much younger man. This bold stride says, “Look out world, I’ve got places to be today.” And when you couple that impulse with his very specific fashion choices, this guy really stands out even amongst the crazier looks of our other Walmart oddities. The cut-off jean shorts are frayed in that special way that helps you know they were not always shorts. The muscle shirt seems to have a baby bump underneath, so there are some congratulations in order. And the weird patches of thick body hair on his chest explains where all the excess hair on top came from. But it’s still that stride that catches the most attention. It’s like that video of Bigfoot in the woods – he knows you see him, and he knows you won’t catch him.
12. Context Is Everything
If you’re trying to look sexy, there are some pretty consistent no-go places to use if you’re taking a picture. And one of the most important aspects to take into consideration when taking a photo is the setting. There are just some places that will never be a good place to try and look appealing. And the fact of the matter is that a public restroom is one of the worst places to choose. Public restrooms are usually some of the worst places to try and make yourself seem like a hottie, even if you’re just leaning against the wall. But then you can be like this person, who decided the best pose and placement for an appealing look: sitting right up next to the (probably recently used) urinal. Look, there’s no amount of s*x appeal that can make up for the fact that she’s way too close to a toilet.
11. Making America Great Again, Apparently
The modern America is a divisive place. People of differing politics and views find themselves fighting constantly online and in person. It’s a tough time to try and find the things that unite us. But this woman doesn’t much care about that. She’s more focused on conveying her personal ideas than trying to help bridge the divide. But what makes it especially funny is the fact that she clearly wanted a Donald Trump MAGA hat, but didn’t want to drop the couple bucks it takes to get one. Instead, she printed out a picture of the President and scotch taped that snapshot to her (already) Americanized cowboy hat, which just seems like she is trying too hard.
10. I’m Sure You Do, Tweaker Jesus
Seriously, this guy may as well be part of the redneck trinity. He’s so excited to get out and party the night away. And it looks like he probably started partying earlier in the morning than anyone else. He brings a smile to the costume too, clearly ecstatic to be rocking the bathing suit. And he didn’t even try to pull the look off in a changing room like the guy with the bikini top. He just went for the costume change in the middle of Walmart. He seems completely excited to be wearing that get-up, even with his shorts and shirt still on under the swimsuit. And at whatever party he’s going to, he shall be seated at the right hand of his top bro, forever and forever, amen.
9. I Think You Got It
Putting on makeup is always frustrating. It has to be just right, otherwise it becomes incredibly distracting. There are plenty of ways for someone to mess up their appearance by doing a poor job of their makeup in the morning. But there’s a difference between smearing one’s lipstick, and a situation like this, which happens when someone makes a major mistake while applying some makeup. This poor woman clearly went a little overboard when applying the eye makeup before heading out to her local Walmart. When she has her eyes closed (or every time she blinks) she looks like a half-painted alien trying to pose as a human woman while trying to sabotage the human race from the inside. Her paint job is bigger than her actual eyes!
8. Love, Walmart Style
Love is beautiful. It brings us together, and helps bond us in the darkest of times. It’s an amazing thing that helps bring us together as a species despite the troubles and problems of the modern day. People finding each other in this crazy world and realizing real happiness? It’s truly amazing. So, these two should be commended for their happiness. And then they should be made fun of, because seriously? Is this really the time and the place for this framed picture? This must be their Paris. This couple expressed their love amongst the sugary snacks and drinks that fill the corridors of Walmart. And they can’t even get out of the chairs to kiss each other? Just trying to imagine these two together in a moment of passion makes everything extra uncomfortable.
7. Teddy Bear Man Frightens/Confuses
So there are some questions to address before this writer can even get to the part where the man in the teddy bear mask is wearing a teddy bear mask. Why is the guy wearing a “Beast Meat” shirt in public? Especially when he’s tied a long-sleeved shirt around his waist and one of the arms is simulating a certain body part hanging down the lower half of his body. Subtle. He’s also wearing some incredibly strange torn pants, ripped at just the point to reveal his knees. That seems like one of the parts of the body that is meant to have something protecting it against the world, even if it’s just a pant leg, what with the whole walking thing being important. And the peace sign does not gel with anything else going on in this picture. And, finally, let’s talk about the mask. That thing is what chases Jason Vorhees in his nightmares. That crooked smile and those dead eyes? When did Walmart become a nightmare fuel factory?!
6. Goth Mama
Have you ever wondered where the goth rock kids go when they grow up? And where they choose to visit when they need to grab some batteries at 9PM on a Wednesday? Because it turns out, Walmart is the perfect place for the anti-establishment kind of people to do some quick shopping. Those dreads are dyed and clean enough to imply it’s a specific style choice, and the piercings across the face reinforce that. What doesn’t gel with the rest of the aesthetic is the casual wear that she’s got going. Those are some space pants that would do Peter Dinklage proud, and the casual wear shirt seems like something Walmart would actually sell. Well, she was rock enough to just bring her Husky into the store with her; how could that go wrong? The bright yellow shoes do look pretty damn comfy, though.
5. Uncle Sam Santa
Walmart is especially popular in the American south. That area of the country is also pretty famous for its flashy shows of patriotism. Someone walking through the store with some dedication to America plastered on their body is a relatively common occurrence in the stores down there. But it’s not often that you see good ol’ St. Nicholas coming down to the local Walmart. This guy has got the Santa look down, from the beard and belly, all the way to his happy demeanor. And for some reason, he’s come down from the North Pole early this year so he can start wearing American flag shirts. People do know that there’s a real Santa, right? And that guy wasn’t American? Sure, Santa would probably love all the toys that come out of the store, but there’s a bit of a divide between the two.
4. Probably Not The Best Shirt For Kids
Does this guy know how often children are brought to Walmart alongside their family? Does he care? Or does it make him just think the shirt is funnier while watching parents desperately try to explain the joke to their children without actually explaining the joke. There are so many things to consider about that one stupid redneck shirt, which is probably more thought than he put in while picking it out. The most worrisome part? Notice the ring on his finger. He’s taken, ladies. And yet somehow, he’s still allowed to dress like that. Maybe his beloved finds the shirt just as hilarious as he does. Maybe it was love at first guffaw. Either way, it’s probably not the best shirt to be wearing while walking around a building full of minors. Just saying.
3. Little Skunk Comes To Walmart
Pets are nominally supposed to be stopped from entering stores. They risk bringing out allergies in people, scaring children, or generally just acting like animals when someone brings them into a densely-populated store. But sometimes, their owners just don’t want to part with their animal buddies even long enough to pick up some food from the Walmart. And while dogs and cats are to be expected (and can usually be expected to remain civil and calm), there are other pets that usually end up being a bit more unpredictable. Take, for example, the skunk. The species is well known for its ability to spray foul smelling stink spray as a natural defence mechanism. It’s an intense smell, and the sort of thing that’s tricky to get out of clothes. So, it’s the perfect animal to bring into a store that has entire sections dedicated to clothes and food.
2. Maybe A Little TOO Confident
Confidence is a virtue that too few of us actually have. It can take a person far in life and give them the chance to really rise up in society. But too much of a good thing is always a problem, no matter what it is. And that goes for confidence, too, especially when it gives someone the ability to ride down a check-out aisle while showing off in a speedo. This guy is giving his best “come hither” eyes he can muster, but his setting and, to be honest, his American flag speedo, really bring the overall power of his look down. But points where it’s earned. The man at least has it in him to wear a shirt promising fun for anyone who decides to ride the check-out line with him.
1. The Bathing Beauty
It’s a fun time to mess around with friends, especially when it’s in public. It’s an easy place to win some easy laughs. And then sometimes, there are just some things that could have probably used another round of consideration before committing to them. Take this guy for example, who’s running with a joke entirely about how silly he looks in that little bra. There are other people in that changing room waiting for the very large man to stop giggling about wearing a bra. But what if he doesn’t? What if just walks around the store the rest of the day like that? And then there’s the worst possibility of all: maybe those are already his bikini tops. What if he’s just showing off?
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