When you're feeling a little naughty and you decide you want some literature that matches your mood, where do you turn? Do you go online and hunt down some freaky Lord of the Rings fan fiction? (There is nothing sexier than an oiled up elf confessing his lustful desires for a busty hobbit, after all.) Maybe you have a collection of "romance" novels that have some pretty steamy scenes hidden amongst all the belletristic worrying about whether or not that hunky bad boy with a heart of gold is really good for the mousy protagonist. Or maybe, and we're not judging here, you head straight for your well-worn copies of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy in which you have ear-marked your favorite passages. (Okay, we're judging you, but only a little bit.)
Those all sound like reasonable sources of textual smuttiness, but have you considered cracking open the Bible? No, we're not kidding. God's holy word has some serious dirty talk in it, especially in the Old Testament. (Once the New Testament prudes showed up, the Bible became substantially less sexy.) One of the great pluses of finding erotic literature in the Bible is that it is a solid cover if you don't want anyone knowing what you're up to: "Oh me? I'm just gaining some spiritual enlightenment from the scriptures here in my candlelit bedroom... alone."
Now, there is a lot of very un-sexy material in the Bible, so we have created a list of some of the steamiest verses around, so that you don't accidentally find yourself reading about animal sacrifices or circumcision when you're looking for something yummier. (Unless you're into that kind of thing. Again, we're not judging.)
I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.” May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. (NIV)
The vast majority of the Bible's sexy material comes from the Song of Songs, a.k.a. the Song of Solomon. Some scholars argue that it is a long metaphorical poem about a man's love for God, but it is pretty hard to deny just how erotic the whole book is. And this little tidbit is pretty tame, all things considered; we are starting you off slow. Behind all the flowery and symbolic language, we can all agree that whoever is writing this really wants to get it on with whoever he is writing about. He wants to climb her like a palm tree and "take hold of its fruit." Oh my.
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. (NIV)
Oh yeah, a quick disclaimer: there is going to be a lot of talk about breasts in this article. It seems like the dudes who wrote these books a few thousand years ago were a lot like dudes today. As in, they really liked boobs. It seems like men haven't changed much in the past couple millennia, eh? Although, to be fair, this is actually quite a sweet passage, as it is a father encouraging his son to always be faithful to his wife. He also hopes that his son will always find his wife's love "intoxicating." That's the dream, isn't it? Finding someone that intoxicates you with their love for the rest of your life!
Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. (NIV)
In case it wasn't clear earlier, let's make it clear now: a lot of this list is going to come from the Song of Songs. And this verse is a fantastic example as to why. At first glance it might seem to you like a metaphor about the weather or maybe gardening, but a quick examination reveals it to be something much dirtier than that. If this whole thing is a sex poem and the lady here is talking about her "garden" and about how her man is going to taste its fruits, we are no longer having a meteorological or botanical discussion, folks. This woman is really, really hoping for some good ol' fashioned oral. And not just as the recipient...
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love. (NIV)
We have actually talked about this verse before, but let's dig a little deeper into it this time. Most of the Song of Songs is a poem going back and forth between two lovers: a man and woman. In the previous entry, we saw that the woman wants the man to taste her fruit, so to speak. And then in this set of verses, it sounds like she is hoping to return the favor. When you started this list, you were skeptical, weren't you? And now we're talking about people going down on each other in the Bible. Is that what you were expecting?
You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them. (NIV)
Okay, so this verse might not do the trick for everyone who reads it, but for those of you who appreciate the occasional solo flight, and especially for those of you who like to spite your exes, this verse is probably right up your alley. Although this verse is definitely metaphorical (and from the mind of one of the Bible's more imaginative prophets), it does not take away from the fact that it is about a woman who takes all the jewelry her ex-lover gave her and turns it into a... toy. Now, we're not convinced that a gold watch would make for the comfiest of toys, but it's really the attitude behind it that is important here. Not the toy itself.
My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. (NIV)
Okay, woah. He thrust his hand through the latch-opening? Wow. It is hard to say if that is actually sexy or just... strange. And the flowing myrrh? All over her hands and fingers and the bolt handle? That sounds messy, doesn't it? But, hey, sometimes sex is messy in the best ways. We are not going to pretend like we know exactly what is going on this verse. There seems to be some weird imagery about locks and doors and latches... and myrrh. Seriously, what is up with the dripping, flowing myrrh? Isn't that one of the gifts the wise men gave baby Jesus? But if you can unlock the meaning behind all that, we're sure it is crazy hot. Or maybe just crazy.
When human beings began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that the daughters of humans were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose...The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown. (NIV)
We know what you're thinking: how is this supposed to be sexy? Why is it even on this list? But hear us out. If those "sons of God" were just regular dudes, it probably would be a pretty average Old Testament passage. But they're not. The common interpretation of "sons of God", in fact, is angels. So some angels saw human women, thought they were beautiful and then had these crazy half-angel, half-human children with them called the Nephilim. This might be the first example of supernatural erotica in history!
I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment. (NIV)
Yes, this is yet another verse from the Song of Songs. And, yes, it is another verse about the woman's bust. Like we said earlier, the guys who wrote this stuff really had a fascination with breasts. In fact, this is not even the last item on this list that is a verse from the Song of Songs primarily focused on boobs. Just you wait. In this case, the woman is describing her own chest as a pair of towers on a wall. We can't be a hundred percent positive of what that means, but it sounds like they are mighty perky. And it also sounds like the man is very appreciative of her perkiness, seeing as she is "like one bringing contentment." Some men are really into architecture, it seems.
She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: “Today I fulfilled my vows, and I have food from my fellowship offering at home. So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you! I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love! (NIV)
Remember that earlier entry about the father encouraging his son to be faithful to his wife? Well, this is a couple of chapters later when the son doesn't heed his father's advice. Instead, he hooks up with a married seductress who has decked out her bed in the finest sheets and is seemingly ready for a whole night of love-making. She has food! And cinnamon! Can you really blame the guy for being tempted?
Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine. Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies. Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle. (NIV)
Don't say we didn't warn you. This is, as promised, another verse from Song of Songs about breasts. This time they are fawns. Little baby gazelles. Is that a good thing? This guy is evidently a big fan of her breasts, so obviously he is complimenting them, but... fawns? Really? At least they are twin fawns, so they are symmetrical. Which is good. He does do some nice work beforehand, however, describing her belly button like a goblet full of wine. If you put yourself in the right mindset, it definitely sounds like he enjoys eating and drinking off of her. And there is no way you can pretend that food has not shown up in some of your other naughty reading material.
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled. (NIV)
Just to be painfully clear, this is not meant to be a positive piece of writing. Ezekiel (who gave us that lovely bit earlier about the fun toys made out of jewelry) is being quite nasty here, calling the nation of Israel a prostitute, and getting pretty graphic about the nature of the men she is seeing. Donkey genitals. Horse emissions. It is definitely not meant to be all that pleasant. But, hey, if you are into well-hung Egyptian dudes who, like every single other guy in the Bible so it seems, really enjoy fondling boobs, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with what is going on here.
My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of En Gedi. (NIV)
Another selection from the strange erotica of Song of Songs. Another verse that can't help but talk about boobs. Oh yeah, and more myrrh. Apparently myrrh was a super sexy thing to have around back in the day. We're not sure that would work out anymore, although if you want to try it out, say by spritzing your apartment with myrrh perfume before bringing a date home, then please let us know how that turns out for you. Maybe it is a super seductive, magical substance and we just don't know it. We could really be onto something here! How does one go about buying a whole bunch of myrrh? Do you think we can get some on eBay? Or Craigslist?
One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, “She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliamand the wife of Uriah the Hittite.” Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her... (NIV)
The story of David and Bathsheba has enough romantic twists and sexy turns that Hollywood actually turned it into a movie back in 1951, starring Gregory Peck and Susan Hayword. The writing of these three verses isn't the most exciting, but the story definitely is: the king of Israel is strolling around on his rooftop when he spies a super good-looking naked lady taking a bath nearby. So, like the creeper he is, he finds out who she is and has her brought to them, even though she's married to one of his buddies. Then they get freaky and she ends up having his kid. Classic.
When Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits, he went over to lie down at the far end of the grain pile. Ruth approached quietly, uncovered his feet and lay down. In the middle of the night something startled the man; he turned—and there was a woman lying at his feet! (NIV)
So unless you have a foot fetish, this might not come across as particularly steamy to you. However, once you learn that the whole feet thing is generally accepted as a euphemism for a man's dangly bits, the whole tone of the story is changed. So Boaz gets a little tipsy, passes out in a grain pile, and Ruth decides to seduce him by crawling up under his blanket and waking him up in one of the best ways possible. And considering that Ruth gets pregnant not long afterwards, it's pretty safe to say that it wasn't Boaz's feet she was playing with that night.
What better way to finish off this list than with another selection from the Song of Songs:
How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice! (NIV)
Okay, woah, hold up! Sister? Did he really just say that? Sister and bride? We are really hoping that's some sort of antiquated figure of speech that didn't translate too well to modern English. Because... ew. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and see what comes afterwards.
Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon. (NIV)
That's not too bad. It's not the most erotic thing in the world, depending on your interpretation of the milk and honey under her tongue, but it's romantic at least. What happens next?
You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain. (NIV)
Ugh. More sisterly love. We were going to talk about the sexy, metaphorical implications of her garden again, but the whole sister thing is just way too unpleasant. Maybe, if you're hoping for some mood-setting literature, you really are better off reading some of Nora Roberts' naughtier works than the Bible.