At no other time in human history has the expanse between rich and poor been more epic, and it’s growing more unjust daily; currently the richest 500 people on Earth own or control over $7 trillion, with the wealthiest 25% of them possessing $4.7 trillion of it. Any way you cut it, that’s a lot of Shekels for a very small number of people. For millennia, the only solace the rest of us could take in that ripoff was that for the most part, these obscenely wealthy overlords were the worst examples of human depravity that put even Mr. Hyde to shame. And what do you know?
Among today’s uber-wealthy one will find no end of cancerous, fetid characters of contemptible ill repute who are living large on the fruits of their nefarious labors, and they ALL suck, not that I’m advocating they be among the first against the wall when the revolution comes, or anything, you know, like that…
So in the spirit of impoverished revenge, let’s take a spit tour of the World’s Richest A$$hole$.
10) Robert Mugabe
Africa’s longest ruling democratically elected dictator and world’s worst Al Green impersonator has not only been a sociopathic nightmare for his people and the rest of the world for decades, but has managed to do it all in top of the line Brooks Brothers suits that symbolize his contempt for common human decency and taste for stylish, dictatorial bling.
When he hasn’t been outshining the injustices of his nation’s endemic racist history, he’s clearly been counting cards in Las Vegas; ‘He’s very shiny; he looks like a holiday.’ Reports of Mugabe’s personal fortune range as high as $145 million, even as his sordid 30 year tenure as leader of Zimbabwe has reduced the country to an economic tragedy of truly Shakespearean proportions.
Once hailed as Africa’s savior, it’s obvious the only thing this decrepit 91-year-old self-absorbed murderous sub-creature is interested in saving is an obscenely luxurious existence and his uncontested place among history’s most reviled villains.
9) Bashar al Assad
Partly emaciated giraffe tyrant and wholly bizarre Hitler mustache aficionado, Bashar al Assad took over annihilating his beloved country from his father Hafez after his death in 2000, having ruled Syria with an iron fist since 1971, and thus inheriting his destiny as the local harbinger of Death.
Ever since this creepy, blood thirsty family arrived, their nation has been systematically imploded by over 40 years of corrupt rule via the same DNA; so SCIENCE! Not content to merely wear the mantle of righteous dictator, Bashi the Bewildered has dedicated his worthless life to razing his nation to the ground with a now five year long civil war that has all the makings of a psychotic suicide pact designed by the Cat Lady from The Simpsons.
Despite his predilection for mass misery and suffering however, he’s also managed to retain all the sickening profits this sort of crap commonly produces after such a storied legacy, with recent estimates of his personal wealth hovering between $500 million to $1.5 billion, which buys a lot of chemical weapons when you’re looking to obliterate your own people.
8) Kim Jong Un
Like any good heir apparent to a maniacal ruling dynasty, this bloated, badass, punk haircut man-child has taken the reins of leadership in North Korea and is committed to the family business of immorally starving their people and grinding the nation into profound economic dust.
Unlike Mitt Romney however, Little Big Kim isn’t letting anyone near his books, so reliable estimates on this corpulent cannibalistic Butterball’s wealth are hard to come by, though it’s no secret the Kims aren’t exactly relying on charity. Unless of course by charity you mean living in wanton opulence while walking corpses die before your remorseless eyes, ’cause he’s ALL over that.
Suffice to say that Kim Kong and his family may have squirreled away as much as US $5 billion in the course of their incestuous rule, while the bulk of their population continues to survive on little more than dirt and Communist propaganda, which they are increasingly forced to accept as one and the same empty nourishment.
7) Rupert Murdoch
S’truth, this one’s a bloody bodgy big mobs of bull dust; (‘Quite honestly, this less than stellar chap is rather a hollow cad.’) The world’s only living Australian Anti-Christ and ironically the inspiration for beloved cartoon character Mr. Peabody, ‘Rupie the Fetid’ has to be, through sheer tenacity and dogged ambition, the most utterly unsavory creature to ever slither across the face of the Earth, having accumulated a personal fortune of some $14.1 billion.
All it took was a painstaking dedication to every despicable form of sleaze ‘journalism’ money can corrupt through every possible medium which can currently titillate the public’s increasingly pitiful desire for anything truly sordid. Having sunk tabloids to heretofore unnecessary lows of depravity, Murdochula now seems interested only in not having to rely on his next lobotomized Fembot MMA champion trophy wife/reality show therapist’s dream to rush to his aid when his Mr. Burns inspired simian replacement organs start to wear out. Until then, he’ll no doubt continue fulfilling the hopes and dreams of humankind by peddling every manner of filth his Mephistophelian rancor can conjure up while simultaneously keeping his rotting carcass out of jail.
6) Sheldon Adelson
High functioning shaved orangutan and deep fried baby consumer, Sheldon Adelson is a self-made American casino magnate and long time ultra Conservative billionaire traitor, though I repeat myself. Not content with merely separating poor, desperately addicted people from their life savings, this self-styled Scroogian bridge troll has been pouring a good chunk of his stupefying wealth and all of his atrophied, drug transfused energies into creating a world where his word is law, and it’s the law of the jungle.
He’s done so by not so subtly trying to fix every US presidential election for the past 173 years, or however old this wobbling, dyspeptic mummy actually is. A virulent supporter of anything Israel, She-Daddy has apparently convinced himself that this entitles him to act as their de facto ambassador at large when it comes to influencing American politics. The darling of Conservative vampires far and wide, ‘The King of Craps’ has amassed a personal wealth of $29.9 billion and rising, much of which will no doubt remain committed to creating the world’s largest third world nation festooned in red, white and blue.
5) Charles and David Koch
These two American petrochemical ghouls are the archetypal evil corporate Orcs whose sumptuous wealth, insatiable political meddling and overall insane desire to reduce the Earth to a smoldering heap of toxic ash, places them near the top of the Orwellian scale of Big Brother horror shows.
Having apparently resigned themselves to the bitter disappointment of not being able to impregnate one another and thus spawn a new age of totalitarian degeneracy, they’ve clearly decided to just hasten the demise of the planet instead. Believe it or not these two brothers in greed have recently climbed above the $100 billion plateau for their combined net worth (David $42.3 billion; Charles $42.3 billion, give or take, but who’s counting?) from the profits of their Lord Vader-inspired empire that has 24 hour access to Satan’s minions and all the wonders to which the bowels of Hell can lay claim; so they’ve got that going for them.
4) Vladimir Putin
While history will no doubt remember this pint-sized tyrannical bastard as the smallest Russian leader to ever escape from a set of Matroyska dolls, Vladi the Shirtless has managed to balance his sociopathic obsession with destroying humankind with an insatiable desire to rape, pillage and steal everything else in the universe.
Coincidentally (some may say ‘inevitably’), this has made Mini-Puti among the world’s wealthiest heads of state and most successful nihilists. Estimates of this shrunken teacup despot’s personal fortune are as high as $70 billion, which would make him the richest dictatorial madman outside of a boardroom, on the planet.
Like so much about this mysteriously vile homunculus however, very little of his abominable financial machinations can be corroborated, though if history tells us anything, it’s that the longest serving self-appointed leader for life in post-Soviet Russia is minding every Kopek with due diligence.
3) Chinese Politburo
There is absolutely no means of determining just how much of China’s fabled wealth from past, present and future has been tucked away like so many fresh pork dumplings, by the gigantic crime factory known as the Chinese Politburo.
These hallowed, selfless representatives of the people’s people have been ruthlessly gobbling up every spare yen they could imprison, torture and murder their citizenry for since ‘The Great Leap Forward,’ which apparently meant an entire population of over a billion people living blissfully in an enormous prison camp. Exactly how much that adds up to since Mao’s Communist Cone of Silence took over in 1949 is anyone’s guess. Considering China is the world’s number one manufacturer of everything from clothing to sophisticated, hi-tech digital devices however, that is certain to be a jaw dropping figure.
We pay what? $500 for a new iPhone? Apple pays those workers who actually make the damn things less annually than you pay for the latest 3D mobile phone porn app, all because the beneficent Chinese government insists that they wouldn’t be truly spiritually content making a Yen more. How else could every aging Politburo zombie still afford to look so good sporting those 1960s era ‘mod’ replicant bathroom custodian uniforms?
2) Royal Families
Though we all may have a lingering soft spot for the whole Prince Charming/Cinderella thing, the reality is that the world’s remaining royal families have a stomach churning combined wealth from fortuitous birth and concentrated chicanery that would leave King Midas gasping for breath.
The world’s 15 wealthiest royal families currently control a whopping $103.6 billion and counting. While much of their fortunes have been created, a good case can be made that even more of their ancestral wealth has literally been plundered, which is a polite means of inferring that your Grace is a bloody thief.
Although many royal dynasties met their demise with the passing of the 19th century, many have survived well into the 21st and show every indication of having the means to go well into the 22nd, if they can avoid those pesky little peasant uprisings and revolutions which upset one’s tea so.
1) Organized Crime Syndicates
The old phrase ‘Crime doesn’t pay,’ has apparently not met the digital age, because crime is seriously paying better than ever. International criminal organizations today function much like any other multi-national conglomerate; massively diverse global holdings, hi-tech operations, a license to print money, and the occasional package of a couple of whole Branzino wrapped in a newspaper delivered as a warning that your Don’s messenger boy sleeps with the fishes.
These sophisticated and ruthless syndicates include the Sicilian, Italian and American Cosa Nostra or Mafia, the Japanese Yakuza, the Mexican Sinaloa Cartel, the Russian Solntsevskaya Bratva or Brotherhood and the Columbian Drug Cartel, whose names simply scream ‘integrity.’ Since 2009, estimates by global law enforcement agencies have put annual profits from these combined criminal enterprises at over $800 billion, making these murderous licentious animals the richest a$$hole$ on Earth.
Mama must be so proud.
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