People like to do the deed. Knock boots. Perform the horizontal shuffle. Whatever you want to call it, people have sex. And lots of it. All the time. Everywhere. With all of this lovemaking going on, some people decide to get creative with their positions. We all know missionary, doggy style, and cowgirl. Those are probably the three most common positions. But, let’s be honest, those get a bit stale after a while. Some people decide to say, “hey, what would happen if I turned you upside down”? Yeah, aren’t humans great? We’re so creative… and just plain weird.
Listed below are ten of the weirdest positions known to man. Some of them… I just can’t even fathom. Like… well, start reading and you’ll see what I mean. Be sure to share the article if you liked it and make your friends feel uncomfortable on their Facebook feeds!
10. The Wheelbarrow
Have you ever raked leaves and decided to break out the trusty wheelbarrow to pile them into? Yeah. Essentially, you’re doing the same here. Imagine, if you will, the woman’s legs are the wheelbarrow handles. Sometimes, the woman can wrap her legs around the man. Thus, the man would hold onto her hips and not her legs. Either way, the woman has to be sporting some arm strength.
She has to hold herself up off the ground with her hands. When the man does his part, he is essentially pulling the woman’s legs back and forth. To make this move a bit easier, you can do it on a bed (and have the woman in a doggy style position). But, you don’t get full points for a true wheelbarrow position. Oddly enough, this is probably one of the more tamer positions on the list.
9. The Randy Raft
It’s summer! Time for baseball games, fireworks, amusement parks… and pool parties! Everyone enjoys a nice dip in the pool to cool off on a scorching summer’s day. Better yet, if you have a partner who’s feeling a little frisky, you can even get a little naughty in the pool. You know those rafts you just lay on and soak up the sun in? Why not use it?
Have the woman lie on her stomach on the raft. That’s really all there is to this move. You probably need to be in shallow water for the man to stand. Otherwise, people drown and it’s a tragedy and your family has to say at your funeral that you died trying to make whoopie in a pool. While in the position, the woman can hold onto the raft for security. The man can thrust to his (and her) desire. Except the raft will probably make that weird noise when things grind on it. Oh well. All’s well that ends well!
8. Swiss Ball Blitz
Before you ask, no this doesn’t have anything to do with the Ballroom Blitz. This is a completely different type of blitz. Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s continue on with the Swiss Ball Blitz. If you’ve ever worked out with a Swiss exercise ball, you probably know where this is going. For those unfamiliar with the Swiss Ball, it’s a big, colorful exercise ball. That’s it. Not the most crazy thing, I know. The shock is how it’s used.
The man sits on it (like sitting in a chair) and the woman gets on top. The craziness comes from the fact that the man has to keep his balance on the ball. Things could get a little out of control with the bouncing and the man could take a tumble (with the woman following closely after). The Swiss Ball Blitz is only for those who love to bounce… and have some great balance.
7. The Fire Hydrant
Since the Randy Raft and the Swiss Ball Blitz both deal with the objects in their name, you may have an idea of where this is going. But, you’d be wrong. What a shameful, dirty mind you have! The Fire Hydrant actually has a lot in common with the Wheelbarrow.
In the Wheelbarrow, the woman is holding herself up off the ground. In the Fire Hydrant position, the girl shifts her weight and, instead of being at a diagonal angle, she is completely upside down. She proceeds to wrap her legs around the man. Then, the love making begins. If you imagine what a fire hydrant looks like, then you’ll be able to visualize what I mean. Or just look at the picture above.
6. Pair of Tongs
Okay. Arm strength is definitely required on the woman’s part for this position to be successful. If she’s not successful at holding herself up… her head and shoulder is going to be intimate with the ground and not her man. So, for the Pair of Tongs, the woman holds herself up diagonally with one arm… yes, you read that right. ONE ARM. Think Wheelbarrow, but with one hand.
Now, this is where it gets a bit tricky. Pay attention. The woman swings her right leg outside of the man’s right side and sticks it straight out. The left leg will remain in between the man’s legs. Not on the ground. Both legs in the air (and waving them like she just doesn’t care). As the name suggests, think a pair of tongs. The middle of the tongs is the woman’s… area. Thrust. Repeat. I know there’s a tossed salad reference in here somewhere. I just can’t find it.
5. The Butter Churner
No, experience on the farm is not required for this position. If you’ve lived in the city your entire life, you’ll still be able to do this move. However, if you’re not flexible, then this position might not be suited for you.
In a nutshell, the woman lies on her back. So far, so good. Then, the man takes her legs and raises them up 180 degrees off the ground. Think of a woman doing a leg lift. But, she’s lifting her legs almost all the way to her head. This is one of those moves EMT’s have probably been called to the house for. A lot of pressure is on the girl’s shoulders and neck. So men, please be careful while churning the butter. We don’t want her in a neck brace for the next six months.
4. The London Bridge
Out of all the names that people have come up with, the London Bridge is one of the most mind boggling. Why London? I guess I can see the bridge part, but what happens when the London Bridge falls down? Anyway, if you’ve ever done planks during your workout time, then you’ll know exactly how to execute this move. If you’re not familiar with planks, one of the planking positions deals with a person holding themselves off the ground with their arms, chest to the sky (think a crab walk).
When the man sits himself in this position, the woman then sits on him and goes to town. The man needs to have exceptional arm strength and endurance. He’s not just holding his weight, but he also has to compensate for the woman bouncing up and down on his pelvis while trying to maintain a horizontal plane. You may want to count this as arm day.
3. Bumper Cars
Ah yes. Good ol’ bumper cars. That fun game that friends and co-workers drag you to and you just know that somebody’s going to get mad when someone slams into the back of them and causes them some whiplash. There’s nothing better then when a harmless game turns into a day at the ER. But, I digress. Let’s delve into this position.
Okay, so imagine two people’s butts. Imagine them smacking together. Now, just imagine that when a man and a woman do it… naked. And you have bumper cars! Now, you may be saying, “Wait a minute! Doesn’t that mean they aren’t facing each other? Does that mean the guy has to… point it between his legs (backwards) while entering her… area?” Why yes! That’s exactly what that means! And yes, it’s almost impossible! The next time you go to a carnival and you see the bumper cars, now you’ll always be reminded of the missionary position gown awry.
2. The Passion Propeller
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… a couple grinding against each other! The Passion Propeller is one of the most ridiculous things I think I’ve ever seen in my life. Here’s how it works: You see the propeller pictured above? Okay, we all know that propellers spin. That’s kind of one of the things that keeps the airplane flying. Now, keep that spinning motion in your head. For this position, the man goes into the missionary position. Great. Nothing hard about that (pun intended). That’s… when… the man starts to spin around… like a propeller… while inside her.
No. That’s not a typo. The man slowly (I pray to God it’s slowly) spins around in a 360 degree circle while keeping his tool inside of her toolbox. Come to think of it, how does he keep any thrusting going? Are there jet engines on this propeller that I don’t know about? And how does the man keep his feet from smacking the woman in the face when he’s turning around? These are questions that demand answers, people!!!
1. The Head Spinner
There have been many things that were once thought impossible. Man walking on the moon in 1969. The 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team beating Russia in the “Miracle on Ice”. Humans… we have a knack for doing the impossible. And, this position proves it. The best way I can describe it is break-dancing sex. That’s really the best description I’ve got. The name itself says it all.
How it works: The man balances himself on his head (okay, we’re already off to a pretty bad start. But, I’ll keep going). The woman hops on top of him in a weird, cowgirl position. So, the man’s junk has to be pointed backwards (think Bumper Cars). And then… then, the magic happens. The man spins. On his head. He spins to his heart’s desire while making love to his girl. If you ever witness such a miracle, I can only imagine it’s like seeing a unicorn. Or, seeing Kanye be a decent human being.
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