Bad news everyone. You know how statistics and the internet do an amazing job at capturing reality? Well, the two recently combined their powers of assessment and aimed them unforgivingly at your face. Internet dating, perhaps the highest authority on beauty, has just released an exclusive, damning report on how ugly you are.
The dating site in question is BeautifulPeople.com. And folks, this ain’t your OkCupid. If you want to date a super hottie, you’ll need to actually be one – and you’ll need to prove it with some selfies.
That’s right, subject yourself to a beauty evaluation. Existing members will take 48 hours to grant or deny you the privilege of accessing their network of attractive, highly secure people, by voting a choice of “yes definitely”, “hmm yes, ok”, “hmm no, not really” or “no definitely not” on your profile.
Like every other “experimental” dating service, this particular brand of online dating promotes itself with good, wholesome controversy. In 2010, the site exiled 3,000 existing members for gaining weight. Last year, it launched a mentoring program called “Adopt an Ugly Person” (and pro-tip: duck face is a big no-no). Managing director Greg Hodge says his business, which rejects 9 out of 10 potential customers, is just doing the work of “Darwinism”.
But folks, no need to bemoan this seedbed of superficiality. Instead, consider how this congregation of metaphorical mean girls and boys has its petty merits. Knowing which nationalities they reject the most will make carrying on with your life easier, for instance. And if you ever get into a fight at recess, “your parents come from ugly land” is as solid a put down as they come.
The following rankings come from the site’s last year’s admission rates by country. Older stats are listed here, and the different findings are evidence (if any were needed!) that this is a transient, and by no means objective, scale. Readers are advised to take these following fifteen results with a hefty pinch of salt, knowing that the rankings are from one particularly superficial source.
Here are the 15 “ugliest nationalities” ranked by the most rejection.
We had a bit of trouble trying to imagine a realistically archetypical French person, until we remembered prolific French actor Gérard Depardieu.
Depardieu, a vineyard owner, is about as much Frenchman as you’ll find in one person: stringy hair, prominent nose and a je ne sais quoi that suggests he’s written more than a few love letters. But unattractiveness isn’t normally in the French people’s roster of unflattering qualities; certainly not women, who have a 35% acceptance rate at BeautifulPeople.com. But French men like Gerard, with only a 20% approval rate, land their country on the list.
Now that global hipsters sport plaid shirts and tuques, the essential Canadian look has become impossible to pin point. Even former celebrity mayor Rob Ford doesn’t exactly represent. But maybe this general lack of distinctness is what makes Canada so lukewarm to the BeautifulPeople.com community. Canada was the 14th most rejected nationality last year with only 26% of women and 23% of men.
Spanish may just be the most desirable romance language in the world, especially when actresses like Penélope Cruz (Sanchez) speak it. And wouldn’t you say Spain’s general image harmonizes well with sexy? Even the country’s goofy stereotype figure, the Matador, has exponentially more swag than Canada’s Mountie, or France’s mime-painter. All things considered, the country seems like it’d steer clear off this list.
But on this ranking, los selfie is all that matters. The dating site only accepted 25% of Spanish men and 21% of Spanish women.
If any image from Russia in the last decade will stick with you, it will probably involve Vladimir Putin’s nipples gleaming in the sun. But the president’s pecs aside, let’s acknowledge Russians have pretty promising qualities in the looks department. Fair skin and blonde hair is practically worshipped in some parts of the world, and like France, the country’s women have something akin to a reputation.
But fantasies have a way of disappointing; people accepted 22% of Russian women last year.
A referendum on Australian beauty need go no further than Rose Byrne, but we suppose it could also include Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe. To undo that in one decisive facial gesture, here’s Prime Minister Tony Abbott.
Aussies have the charming enunciation, the sun-soaked lifestyle and the intrigue of poisonous lizards lurking around every mailbox. It can be a little hard to tell where the image ends and reality begins, but only 22% of Australian men and 19% of women made the cut for the voting beauty “realists”.
Chances are exactly zero Turkish people look like this guy, but if you haven’t come to terms with this whole thing being in bad taste yet, you probably never will.
Because Turkey sits at the junction of so many different civilizations, the ethnic look can be pretty varied. Stereotypically it’s dark and brooding with prominent cheeks and bushy eyebrows – not the most inviting description. But then again, google Selen Soyder.
Voters accepted only 20% of men and 16% of women from Turkey.
The vast majority of westerners are aware of exactly two Korean people: Psy and Kim Jong-Un. Since one is the dictator of North Korea—and it’s safe to say nobody there is uploading selfies to BeautifulPeople.com—they can actually name only one person belonging to this particular sample.
Even though pictures of stunning South Korean models comprise just over half the internet, there’s just not much “Korean” reaching the West at the moment. That includes only 18% of men and 15% of women that apply to the dating site.
A while back, some suspicious news went around of a man in northern China who managed to successfully sue his ex-wife for being ugly. Earlier this year, a restaurant in Central China made headlines for offering free meals to attractive clients (it wasn’t McDonald’s).
Apparently looks are a big deal in the Middle Kingdom. But jeez China, not everyone is Zhang Ziyi or Wang Leehom. Just 17% of Chinese men and 15% of women were accepted.
Baltic beauty, like the Eastern European kind, tends toward light hair and eyes, fair skin, striking height and slenderness. Sean Penn, Pink and Bob Dylan all have Lithuanian ancestry. Two of these are nothing short of beauty icons; the other, unfortunately, is just the voice of his generation.
President Dalia Grybauskaitė is also about as good-looking as world leaders get, but this is not a picture of her. A meager 15% of Lithuanian women got accepted by the certifiably beautiful online dating community.
Yes, it’s a little unfair of us to use a 77-year-old Yoko Ono, but she did break up the Beatles. We hold no grudges of course.
The Japanese are known for their soft features, slenderness and medium height, and like most of East Asia, the female beauty invites a bit of obsession from a certain group of foreign men.
Apparently not the beauty queens online – they accepted only 15% of Japanese men last year, because Wabi-sabi, the Japanese appreciation of imperfection, means nothing to them.
Considering the sheer size and scope of Indian show-biz, there’s clearly no shortage of sex symbols in the country. Bollywood star Amitabh Bachchan, for instance, is usually more dashing than we’ve pictured him (damn that gotcha journalism!). And if you’re still doubting, Shah Rukh Khan—the “Tom Cruise of India”—should answer any further questions you have.
But it seems the Indian look doesn’t have that universal appeal BeautifulPeople.com needs. Only 15% of Indian men and women were accepted last year.
Germans evoke angular features, broad builds and fair complexion, which sound pretty in-line with even the shallowest Western standards. But maybe the German look can be a little…intimidating? We’re thinking of the late actor Klaus Kinski, who played Dracula in the cult classic Nosferatu the Vampire, written and directed by the legendary Werner Herzog, not much of a looker himself either.
But if you removed Germany from Hollywood, the whole celebrity ecosystem would collapse: Heidi Klum, Michael Fassbender, Diane Kruger, Bruce Willis and—Martin Lawrence? Only 13% of German men and 13% of German women were granted access to the dating site for beautiful singletons.
Who hasn’t crushed on an Irish Colleen? If it’s not the musically talented Andrea Corr or Cranberries singer Dolores O’Riordan, it’s the charismatic MTV presenter Laura Whitmore. But this ranking makes more sense when you learn that Irish women have an acceptance rate of 23%. It turns out it’s the men that burden their country with an upsetting approval rating of 9%.
Given the likes of Colin Farrell, Liam Neeson and Pierce Brosnan, certainly there must be some mistake. Then again, given the likes of Brendan Gleeson and Colm Meaney, perhaps there isn’t.
The late Mrs. Thatcher, one of those rare people who inspire both metaphoric and substantial ugliness, is about as British as Colm Meaney is Irish, and also on the less flattering side of her ethnic spectrum. All Thatcher’s features—fair skin, elegance and teeth akimbo—are quintessentially British. But in this particular arrangement BeautifulPeople.com probably votes “no definitely not”.
Let’s just say British beauty is a case of extremes. You’ve got David Beckham, Robert Pattinson, Gerard Butler, Russell Brand and…Rowan Atkinson. Keira Knightley, Kate Winslet, Emma Watson, Emily Blunt and…Susan Boyle. No, you can’t say that about every country. 9% of UK men and 15% of women were accepted by the voters judging ‘beautiful’.
You’d be surprised to learn how many quietly-Polish people there are in Hollywood at the moment. There’s Kristen Bell, the internet’s soul mate and a walking “best of” Polish features. Then there’s John Krasinski, who even a 19th century Confederacy general would admit is as cute as they come. And finally, there’s Martha-mother-effin-Stewart, née Kostyra, who in her salad days (or before them?) was an absolutely gorgeous model for Chanel.
Kristen and Martha, it turns out, are safe — Polish women didn’t register in the most rejected nationalities. But sorry Polish men, only 9% of you made the internet’s biggest beauty pageant.
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