Bad news everyone. You know how statistics and the internet do an amazing job at capturing reality? Well, the two recently combined their powers of assessment and aimed them unforgivingly at your face. Internet dating, perhaps the highest authority on beauty, has just released an exclusive, damning report on how ugly you are.
The dating site in question is BeautifulPeople.com. And folks, this ain't your OkCupid. If you want to date a super hottie, you’ll need to actually be one - and you'll need to prove it with some selfies.
That's right, subject yourself to a beauty evaluation. Existing members will take 48 hours to grant or deny you the privilege of accessing their network of attractive, highly secure people, by voting a choice of “yes definitely”, “hmm yes, ok”, “hmm no, not really” or “no definitely not” on your profile.
Like every other “experimental” dating service, this particular brand of online dating promotes itself with good, wholesome controversy. In 2010, the site exiled 3,000 existing members for gaining weight. Last year, it launched a mentoring program called “Adopt an Ugly Person” (and pro-tip: duck face is a big no-no). Managing director Greg Hodge says his business, which rejects 9 out of 10 potential customers, is just doing the work of “Darwinism”.
But folks, no need to bemoan this seedbed of superficiality. Instead, consider how this congregation of metaphorical mean girls and boys has its petty merits. Knowing which nationalities they reject the most will make carrying on with your life easier, for instance. And if you ever get into a fight at recess, “your parents come from ugly land” is as solid a put down as they come.
The following rankings come from the site's last year’s admission rates by country. Older stats are listed here, and the different findings are evidence (if any were needed!) that this is a transient, and by no means objective, scale. Readers are advised to take these following fifteen results with a hefty pinch of salt, knowing that the rankings are from one particularly superficial source.
Here are the 15 “ugliest nationalities” ranked by the most rejection.
We had a bit of trouble trying to imagine a realistically archetypical French person, until we remembered prolific French actor Gérard Depardieu.
Spanish may just be the most desirable romance language in the world, especially when actresses like Penélope Cruz (Sanchez) speak it. And wouldn't you say Spain’s general image harmonizes well with sexy? Even the country’s goofy stereotype figure, the Matador, has exponentially more swag than Canada’s Mountie, or France’s mime-painter. All things considered, the country seems like it’d steer clear off this list.
If any image from Russia in the last decade will stick with you, it will probably involve Vladimir Putin’s nipples gleaming in the sun. But the president’s pecs aside, let’s acknowledge Russians have pretty promising qualities in the looks department. Fair skin and blonde hair is practically worshipped in some parts of the world, and like France, the country’s women have something akin to a reputation.
A referendum on Australian beauty need go no further than Rose Byrne, but we suppose it could also include Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe. To undo that in one decisive facial gesture, here’s Prime Minister Tony Abbott.
Chances are exactly zero Turkish people look like this guy, but if you haven't come to terms with this whole thing being in bad taste yet, you probably never will.
Because Turkey sits at the junction of so many different civilizations, the ethnic look can be pretty varied. Stereotypically it’s dark and brooding with prominent cheeks and bushy eyebrows – not the most inviting description. But then again, google Selen Soyder.
The vast majority of westerners are aware of exactly two Korean people: Psy and Kim Jong-Un. Since one is the dictator of North Korea—and it’s safe to say nobody there is uploading selfies to BeautifulPeople.com—they can actually name only one person belonging to this particular sample.
A while back, some suspicious news went around of a man in northern China who managed to successfully sue his ex-wife for being ugly. Earlier this year, a restaurant in Central China made headlines for offering free meals to attractive clients (it wasn't McDonald's).
Baltic beauty, like the Eastern European kind, tends toward light hair and eyes, fair skin, striking height and slenderness. Sean Penn, Pink and Bob Dylan all have Lithuanian ancestry. Two of these are nothing short of beauty icons; the other, unfortunately, is just the voice of his generation.
Yes, it’s a little unfair of us to use a 77-year-old Yoko Ono, but she did break up the Beatles. We hold no grudges of course.
The Japanese are known for their soft features, slenderness and medium height, and like most of East Asia, the female beauty invites a bit of obsession from a certain group of foreign men.
Considering the sheer size and scope of Indian show-biz, there’s clearly no shortage of sex symbols in the country. Bollywood star Amitabh Bachchan, for instance, is usually more dashing than we've pictured him (damn that gotcha journalism!). And if you're still doubting, Shah Rukh Khan—the “Tom Cruise of India”—should answer any further questions you have.
Germans evoke angular features, broad builds and fair complexion, which sound pretty in-line with even the shallowest Western standards. But maybe the German look can be a little…intimidating? We’re thinking of the late actor Klaus Kinski, who played Dracula in the cult classic Nosferatu the Vampire, written and directed by the legendary Werner Herzog, not much of a looker himself either.
Who hasn't crushed on an Irish Colleen? If it's not the musically talented Andrea Corr or Cranberries singer Dolores O'Riordan, it's the charismatic MTV presenter Laura Whitmore. But this ranking makes more sense when you learn that Irish women have an acceptance rate of 23%. It turns out it’s the men that burden their country with an upsetting approval rating of 9%.
The late Mrs. Thatcher, one of those rare people who inspire both metaphoric and substantial ugliness, is about as British as Colm Meaney is Irish, and also on the less flattering side of her ethnic spectrum. All Thatcher’s features—fair skin, elegance and teeth akimbo—are quintessentially British. But in this particular arrangement BeautifulPeople.com probably votes “no definitely not”.
You’d be surprised to learn how many quietly-Polish people there are in Hollywood at the moment. There’s Kristen Bell, the internet's soul mate and a walking “best of” Polish features. Then there’s John Krasinski, who even a 19th century Confederacy general would admit is as cute as they come. And finally, there’s Martha-mother-effin-Stewart, née Kostyra, who in her salad days (or before them?) was an absolutely gorgeous model for Chanel.
Kristen and Martha, it turns out, are safe — Polish women didn't register in the most rejected nationalities. But sorry Polish men, only 9% of you made the internet’s biggest beauty pageant.
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