A relationship can be an endurance test for all involved. Nowhere is this truer than between the sheets.
Naturally, every man and woman dreads the insta-finish, hallmark of poor sexual performance. But as much as people like to keep their “shortcomings” hush-hush, it might be reassuring to chart this phenomenon en masse—better yet, geographically—and unfairly mock entire populations’ inaptitude at doing the dirty.
Well, it turns out that sex app Spreadsheets allows researchers to do just that. Subject: the United States of America, all fifty of them (and change).
Spreadsheets uses miracles of modern smart phone gadgetry—your inbuilt accelerometer and microphone—to determine how long you got busy for. It also derives your thrusts per minute and loudest decibel peak, in case you’re the “personal best” type. While the app reserves judgment on foreplay, there’s plenty of evidence here to be decisively disappointed: With an average duration of just seven minutes and one second, New Mexico ranked the best performers nationwide in America.
Read on to find out which twenty states are lumbered with the most disappointing bed partners.
20. California – 2:38
Oranges, plenty of sun and beautiful people in colourful bikinis just about gives you a travel ad for the Golden State. But in the sex department the fruitful image is little more.At just 2:38 average duration Californians set the bar impressively low in the sheets.
Hollywood keeps selling it, but sex is far from picture-perfect at home. You may be hot but you ain’t sweating enough, Cali.
19. Massachusetts – 2:31
As the third most densely populated US state, the laws of physics should indicate there’s quite a lot of friction going on in Massachusetts. But with an average time of 2:31 the sparks aren’t flying very long.
Massachusetts houses 121 higher education institutions—is it a stretch to think those Harvard and MIT shutaways are a little out of practice? On the other hand, Massachusettsans are burdened with one of the most utterly unsexy nicknames of the country: The Codfish State. That should work in their favour, no?
18. Florida – 2:29
Floridians’ challenges in the sack are manifold. Not only do sunny beaches put them on the bikini scene like California, putting libidos high by default, Florida also has one of the country’s largest Hispanic communities.
With 22.5% of the population whispering sweet Spanish nothings into their ears, maybe a duration of just 2:29 isn’t so baffling. And did you know oranges are considered an aphrodisiac (along with everything else)?
17. New Jersey – 2:28
Sorry New Jersey, but the first thing that came to mind when people learn of your unimpressive average in bed is the loud, sweaty Guidos flexing at the Jersey Shore, although that’s probably totally unfair. It’s safe to say those guys are compensating for something, but that’s not the issue here.
You’re just a busy bunch—your GSP is the second highest in the country—and you have the highest population density. It’s a hectic life with a lot of human contact, and who has the time to take any longer than necessary with a 2:28 average?
16. Indiana – 2:26
Sometimes speed is good. It fills stadiums, nets hundreds of millions in revenue and brings wholesome family entertainment to the entire nation.
But sometimes speed fills a man with shame as he rolls onto his side of the bed to avoid eye contact with his eminently unsatisfied partner. Home of the Indy 500 and Brickyard 400, the state of Indiana lasts an average of 2:26 in the bedroom.
15. Virginia – 2:23
It is said that the 18th century lover Casanova used to breakfast on 50 oysters every morning. Virginia has an emerging reputation as the oyster capital of the East Coast, so maybe Virginians are just too high on their own supply.
Lasting about as long as a Ramones song is a sure sign you need a little more resistance training. Let’s up those numbers guys.
14. Oklahoma – 2:21
Oklahoma’s state mammal is the tough and virile American Bison and its state fruit is the strawberry. Its state fish is the sand bass, its state amphibian is the bullfrog and its state song is the tender ode to mortality, Do You Realize? by the Flaming Lips. And did you know the first parking meter in the entire world was installed in Oklahoma City?
With all this excitement, let’s not overlook the fact that Oklahomans last only 2:21 in the bedroom.
13. Colorado – 2:21
Some consider marijuana an aphrodisiac. Of course, anything you enjoy can be called an aphrodisiac. But if you believe the pot-sex hypothesis, Colorado’s not-so-privileged place as the 13th worst state in the bedroom makes a lot of sense.
As of 2014, you can bet record numbers of couples have been throwing even more self-control to the wind by toking some legal ganja before getting busy. It must have been a magical two minutes and twenty-one seconds.
12. Minnesota – 2:19
Minnesotans are known for courtesy, politeness, avoiding confrontation and tending towards self-deprecation. Hence the common Midwest expression, “Minnesota nice”; Man, that guy is Minnesota nice!
Thanks to Nerve.com and Spreadsheets, the state will henceforth be known for lasting about 2:19, birthing a potential new expression: Man, that guy was Minnesota fast!
11. Ohio – 2:18
Cleveland, Ohio was the world’s first city to be lighted electrically in 1879, but the electricity has yet to find its way into the bedroom.
With an average duration of 2:18 residents of the Buckeye State have a tendency to keep it short, but, hopefully, sweet.
10. Louisiana – 2:17
Louisiana brings to mind good food, good music and plenty of regrets after Mardi Gras. Chances are that among those regrets will be that look of total frustration partners give you after two minutes and seventeen seconds.
While Minnesota might have loved their new slogan, “Louisiana Fast” already owns it: The phrase exists thanks to Popeye’s Chicken, and Louisiana wins the shame race two seconds faster than Minnesota.
9. Kentucky – 2:14
The Bluegrass State has more than chicken in common with its southern colleagues. Kentucky’s known for its rich culture of racing horses, distilling bourbon, manufacturing cars, growing tobacco and of course playing that sweet, sweet bluegrass music.
At the end of the day, there’s just no energy left for much effort in the sack. 2:14 will do.
8. Arkansas – 2:08
Rounding up this triple-dose of southern succinctness is Arkansas. With gay marriage currently outlawed and an anti-abortion law primed to take effect in the absence of Roe v. Wade, Arkansas exemplifies the sexually conservative states.
Naturally, it’s also pretty “conservative” when rolling in the hay. C’mon Arkansas, it takes more than 2:08 to do the bed boogie.
7. District of Columbia – 2:08
The Founding Fathers believed the United States capital would represent the very best in their country in all its most important respects. But, in terms of this issue of utmost importance, the representation is simply not there.
The District’s average sexual duration of just 2:08 casts a grim shadow on the nation’s sexy time. Are the country’s lawmakers too busy for gettin’ busy? Can they hold the public’s confidence when the fire’s missing from their love lives? Perhaps America should hold a referendum.
6. Nevada – 2:07
The only thing faster than a Vegas wedding is the consummation. But really, when you’re the only state in the country with legal sex workers, can punters really be bothered to “make love”?
Certainly not tourist Joe. He believes what he does in the Silver State stays there, and he’s going to put atrociously little effort into his two person push ups. After all, his time is money – and in Vegas it’s a lot of money.
5. Georgia – 2:07
If Georgia wants to be known as the “Empire State of the South”, it’s going to have to work up those numbers. New York placed a not-so exemplary 23rd in the country with an average duration of 3:01, but that’s still nearly a full minute longer than Georgia’s 2:07. To think you can bump uglies from start to finish within the span of a commercial break – at least lovers in the Empire State miss the opening credits.
4. Montana – 2:03
Montanans are too busy taking in natural beauty to leave room for the physical kind.
Hiking, skiing and horseback riding take precedence over memorable times in the sack, and as a result residents of the Big Sky Country make it last only 2:03 on average. When you cross over the south border into Idaho, that time magically improves to a far more adequate average of 5:11—the third highest nationwide.
It just goes to show how polarized America really is.
3. Vermont – 1:48
Ok: The proper definition of an aphrodisiac is a substance that increases sexual desire when consumed. By this, everything sweet, tasty, aromatic that is agreeable to you or infused with nutrition of any kind has a shot at being an “aphrodisiac”.
Having said that: Vermont is the country’s leading producer of maple syrup. Not only is it rich, sweet and sensual, it contains abundant zinc which promotes healthy blood flow (much like breathing and moving your limbs!) that will enhance libido. No wonder Vermonters are so eager? Perhaps an average time of 1:48 means it’s time to cut back on the magical sweet stuff.
2. South Dakota – 1:30
Things are going downhill fast. 1:30 is about the time it takes to fill up at the gas station, without paying, unscrewing the cap or any other logistical step. In 1:30 McDonalds will only serve you two Big Macs. In 1:30 you will still, in all likelihood, be doing the exact same thing you’re doing right now.
And worst of all, we’re at a loss for farfetched postulates to explain this one. The Dust Bowl was nearly a century ago South Dakota; what’s taking the moxie from your mattress dance?
1. Alaska – 1:21
We don’t mean to be state-ists, but it’s safe to say most people saw this coming. But that assumption is not entirely fair. Alaska gets a non-sexy rep for being neighbour to the Yukon, a former Russian property and the home of the Palins.
But in fact, studies with much science in them suggest cold is intrinsically sexy—couples become more eager to get kinky in the winter, for instance. However often they may be doing it, though, Alaskans don’t spend much time at this cold-defying pastime.
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