Folks, there’s no use fighting the supermassive black hole of consumerism. Unless you broke out the glue gun or hand wrote some endearing letters, you caved into the pressure to buy lots of people lots of stuff this December past. And your bank account is suffering in the bleak January days. Who has time for arts and crafts in this day and age anyway? Capitalism does your arts and crafts for you.
If you do have any loose change left over after Christmas, however, and you're looking for a way to beat those January blues, then these first-rate products that have been (As) Seen on TV might be for you.
As Seen on TV offers the finest in consumer wares a few easy payments can buy; tools so useful and necessary to your life that they have to be sold directly through your television in screaming fifteen-minute promotions at 4 a.m.
But nobody likes staying up that late. So, here's a catalogue of their finest offerings, ranked by desirability here to help you make those all-important purchases...
18 The Tiddy Bear
17 The Gangnam Style Singing Toothbrush
Whoop. Whoop whoop. Every time you brush. The only toothbrush more likely to leave you with a psychological disorder than good dental hygiene, it plays Psy’s one-time smash hit with the press of an inescapably located button.
16 The UroClub
Golf players are all about that public urination. The UroClub lets the weak-bladdered stay par for the course, and its tagline — the only club guaranteed to keep you out of the woods— is for once actually true.
15 Sauna Pants
14 The Fridge Locker
Sometimes you need to lay down the lunch law, especially when your food finds its way into co-workers’ mouths. With The Fridge Locker your quinoa bean salad will never step out of line again.
12 The Better Marriage Blanket
Can you guess why this couple is smiling? Thanks to The Better Marriage Blanket, one of them just released a fart they held in for 7 years.
The first product to tackle flatulence as the genuine problem it is, your gas will bind to the odor absorbing fabric “used by the military to protect against chemical weapons”, and folks, this thing is designed to last. However, of course, you and your spouse will have to come to terms with the fact you sleep on flatulence flypaper.
"I don’t know what it is, but it’s the coolest thing ever"; most definitely genuine testimony
Fushigi is the Japanese word for mystery. Unfortunately Fushigi is just a ball, but behold the minor optical-illusory value emanating from its reflective core. What is it? I don’t know!
10 The Back Up
Folks, it’s only a matter of time before your home gets invaded in the middle of the night and you’ll be forced to defend the safety of you, your family and even your goldfish. That’s why this products advocates sleeping with a loaded gun within arm’s reach.
9 Candle Quick
8 8. The Tush Turner
Have you ever been at a dinner party with a Lazy Susan at the table, and thought to yourself, "I really want one of those for my butt"? You wouldn’t be the first. Everyone knows the human body has its limits. Swiveling? Please, I’m no Olympian.
7 Fanny Bank
Yes ladies and gentlemen, drop some loot and hear it toot! The best thing about the Fanny Bank is that hearing farts when you deposit your change is just as funny the third time. In fact, it’s even mildly humorous the fourth and fifth time. You might even force a laborious smile the sixth, seventh and eighth time before you cry and cry because you can’t make good decisions anymore and you’ve sunk to pitiful levels to escape the insignificance of your life.
6 GoGo Pillow
If you had a nickel for every time you wanted a pillow with a sleek and comfortable patented multi-slot design for my new tablet… Ladies and gentlemen, sleep will be the last thing you’ll do when you buy the GoGo Pillow. No, you’ll be too busy watching your iPad sleep.
4 Bed MadeEZ
3 Easy Toothbrush
It doesn't change your life in ways you never thought it couldn't; the Easy Toothbrush has got to be the easiest, best toothbrush we've ever seen on TV.
A square brush for a round mouth? Absurd! A round brush was a long time coming for round-mouthies. We were almost starting to believe we had a square mouth.
2 The Head Wedgie
As you may already know, “wedgie” refers to pulling Mark’s underwear band so high in the third grade that it tore off.
But you may not know “wedgie” comes from the verb “to wedge”. The folks over in Seen on TV Land understand the wedge something we need today in all kinds of contexts.
1 FIR-Real Portable Sauna
We thought a sauna was something you walked into, not transformed into, but it seems these people FIR-Real want us to believe you can pitch a sauna like a tent, and sweat out all the bad toxins, karma, chi and whatever else clogs your pores from the privacy of your living room.
Who knows? Maybe this thing actually works. On second thought: nah, it’s As Seen on TV.
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