Looking for companionship online always seems like a great idea at first. It’s cheaper than going to a bar, less nerve wracking than approaching a stranger at the gym, and not as humiliating as being set up on a blind date only to find out that your friend thinks you’re about a four on the desirability scale. Searching for someone online seems like the ideal solution for a generation hooked on technology. Why get dressed to go out and meet someone when you can simply relax in front of the television in your underwear and press a few buttons? The 15 people who wrote these ads is why.
These Craigslist personal ads are sure to steer you away from online dating for good. Severely pushing the limits of ads for casual hook ups, these posts will make you laugh out loud before eventually cringing at the sheer knowledge of their author’s existence. A deep-dish pizza armpit fetish, fantasies of having a teenage goth girlfriend call you daddy, a sun-burnt and peeling back which needs attention in those hard-to-reach places, and a hipster housewife looking to take care of a man in exchange for…well it’s not clear exactly what she’s exchanging. All which make us ponder how effective this online dating trend truly is.
It seems that there’s no better insight into the human race than through Craigslist ads. Are some of these posts a joke? Hope so! Because years from now, this is how we’ll be remembered.
6 Ghetto Black Slave Wanted - m4m
“Looking for a good looking clean and disease free black male age 18-28 that would like to be owned by a good looking masculine 30 year old Latin male and live in the life of luxury.....Look really good and be at my pleasure to service me ..Possible employment and salary available... Your face and body picture gets you an interview.”
I know what you’re thinking…are health benefits and dental included? What about vacation and sick days? Because this would look great on your resume. And what a job title! Ghetto Black Slave. That’s not racist. Not at all…
14. Pizzapits - m4m
“…wants a man to come over and split a deep dish pep. and extra cheese. It’s large and very greasy. Come over and rub a slice on abs and chest. Let me see your ripped arms and legs covered in sauce and cheese. Put your legs up on the couch! Let me help you rub pizza in your pits after a hard day. You want pizzapits?? I’m your man. Reply with your fav toppings and I will see what we can do.”
We’ve all had our fair share of experiences with pizzapits. What's obviously the most disturbing thing about this ad is his desire for pizza to be rubbed all over his abs. Umm…what abs?
5 Holiday Special - w4m
“Just celebrated my twenty third birthday and I want to have a lot more fun with a fetishist out there…Im very pretty, mixed, slim with curves. Sexy voice with honey complexion. toot toot... Special Holiday orders available : creamy ovulation discharge, extra sweaty gym fragrance, multi day wear, baby oil/body lotion soaked w discharge , deep smelly butt flossed sassy aroma, pumpkin spice urine scented undies to make your toes curl.”
Toot toot? Is she farting? Does she want to fart on someone? Oh wait, she’s tooting her own horn. Get it now…she’s into herself. Check out her holiday specials though! Creamy ovulation discharge. She should patent that.
4 Bubble Bath Partner - w4m
“So ideally here, I'd like to meet someone sexy, with a very clean and efficient bathtub...who will host a bubble bath and sit tub side getting to know me via stimulating conversation and over a few cocktails... I just need to soak up some hot water, some mental cleanliness, and then see how the evening takes us. I'm very comfortable with nudity, however enjoy nothing more than a bubble bath and company.”
So, basically you’re homeless and are looking for a man who will allow you to use his bathroom in exchange for a peek at the goods. It’s for hygienic reasons. And free booze. We get it.
11. Hipster Housewife - w4m
“I'll clean the place while listening toro y moi. Dinner over radiohead. I can speak at length over the merits of each character in arrested development while folding the laundry. I'd love to be a kept woman, and start soon. We don't have to sleep in the same bed, and you can be free to explore other options if you so choose. Simply offering the comfort of another that takes care of you without being such a drag.”
Sex, a clean house, and the freedom to cheat? This sounds too good to be true! Perhaps listening to her crappy hipster music and lengthy Arrested Development chatter are too much for most to handle.
10. This Girl Again… - w4m
“So ideally here, I'd like to meet someone sexy, with a very clean and efficient bathtub...who will host a bubble bath and sit tub side getting to know me via stimulating conversation and over a few ......”
Notice how in both ads she requested an efficient bathtub. What exactly qualifies as an inefficient bathtub? Seems like she’s never heard the phrase beggars can’t be choosers. Why doesn’t she go get her own tub and stop dirtying up everyone else’s? A child’s pool could be considered an efficient bathtub if it held warm water and some bubbles. They’re probably even on sale right now.
9. A Charred Affair - w4m
“Peel my sunburnt back where I can’t reach. I have a lot of dead skin to get off. Must have clean fingernails for picking.”
They make loofas for that. Also, friends. Also, showers. At least she’s being sanitary, requesting that all interested applicants have clean fingernails. I wonder if she’ll request photos and examine them upon arrival. Request that they soak them in distilled water for 15 minutes before diving into the dead skin on her back. She should just meet up with the lady looking for a bubble bath. That way they can satisfy their hygienic needs without having to put their bodies on display for the ogling eyes of random male strangers.
3 Sticky Wallet - m4m
“JACK IT INTO MY WALLET RIGHT NOW!!! – jo in my wallet and I’ll carry it around the rest of the day. I will go to work at a well known, local machine shop with your fluids in the part with the dollar bills. Send a pic…”
Makes you think twice about that $20 bill in your wallet, doesn’t it? Now we know why our parents were always forcing us to wash our hands after touching money as children. Ripping our tiny fingers out of our mouths just in the nick of time as they drowned us in hand sanitizer. It all makes sense now.
7. Confused Couple - wm4
“Divrced couple looking for nice and serious guy to have a baby wi - Hi everyone, we are a married couple my husband is not able to give me kids for medical reason and after researching adoption route and all we both are considering having someone meet us and potentially carry our baby. Serious guys only please reply.”
Are you divorced or married? Are you looking for a sperm donor or a woman to carry your child? Do you understand that men do not carry children and that you cannot be divorced and married at the same time? And most importantly, do you really think either you or your husband should be procreating after writing such an awfully uneducated ad?
6. When In Rome...
“handsome Man here for business matters ❤ I am actually from Europe… Im looking for a girl friend for 8 months…On the other hand i am going to give you two thousand csh every month to improve your financial situation. We will meet couple times a week and you will get paid weekly. Please respond me with couple pictures. I dont want any pro or any escrt please! ???❤❤❤”
The only question is, is that $2000 in U.S. dollars or euros? Oh, and by handsome you mean you look like David Beckham, right?
2 A Crap Shoot - m4w
“To the woman who crapped her pants in my car… We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.
I thought we had chemistry sitting sharing that basket of hot wings while drinking the chili beer. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and note that said ‘First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me’ was meant to be funny, not offensive.
I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it ‘gambling’. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…
What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call, Tad
P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…”
This guy is most definitely her soul mate. Enough said.
4. Goth Fetish - m4w
“you might say i have a thing for sexy hot young cute emo, goth, chicks. please be 17-29 thin to average and want to be in the company of an older masculine daddy. write (goth or emo) in the subject or you will fall into my spam folder.. be serious and include a pic along with your age, location, with your response..”
Yes, and we might also say that you’re a new kind of creepy with an emo chick fetish. Is it the dark makeup and dyed hair that gets you hot? Or is that they're babies and call you daddy...
3. Tarzan Must Bare Child - m4w
“WOMEN TO BARE CHILDREN - I am a 54 year old man, Looking to find a women (caucasion preferred) of child baring years, to bare my children. I am separated and looking to become a dad. she must be attractive and Around 125lbs. Must be in good physical health !!! You must not drink or smoke, (Past or Present) or do drugs of any kind !!! Marriage not required but will concider it if things go good.”
No drinking or smoking…past or present? That will quickly eliminate the three people who were actually interested in this ad. That and his inability to differentiate between women and woman. Hope things go good…
1 Train Fetish - m4m
“Want age 25-70 guy to come over and jo in my model train room. Mutual touching and stuff but nothing more than that…im not gay, its all HO scaled, then after you finish you can stomp around and kick the trains and buildings like a monster (don’t break they are my sons) we can do this until 4 am or until we get tired. Also I have lots of imitation crab meat in my freezer that I need to get rid of so you can have a bunch when you leave. Its all perfectly good we just got too much!!!”
So, to get this straight, the imitation crab meat is compensation for casually performing the act of mutual masturbation onto a child's HO scale model train set before stomping around and destroying them like Godzilla?
1. Haggish, Embittered Angry Chick Seeks Arrogant, Self-Centered Man
“Given that all the good men are taken and those left over are those who should be left over, and somehow I, in all my cuteness and perfection, forgot that marriage and family actually keeps a woman from wanting to commit suicide or dying young in an overheated assisted living facility... I still find myself half-assedly cruising the personals on CL looking for ONE MAN who's looking for something more than a [oral] in high heels…Looking for grown-up man [howl] who is NOT terrified of my stealing his soul or bank account…I estimate that this will take about 25 years to develop to the partnership- discussion phase.“
At least she’s honest…