Spring is here, and you know what that means: Summer is just around the corner. And with summer comes long days chilling out and hanging at the beach, soaking up the sun and checking out the gorgeous ladies romping around, looking good. What could be better?
Well, it all sounds good as long as some specific celebrities don’t show up. There are a lot of celebrities out there wearing bikinis and trying to look hot when their day is long gone. Someone needs to tell them to cover up, but when someone has a big bankroll, and a big head, then that is not always as easy as it may sound. If they think they still look good, I mean they must then, right? Why else would they still be dressing this way if they didn’t? But here’s the sad thing (and you will feel sad when looking at these photos), they just look horrible.
So let’s hope that if you see a celebrity on the beach then it is someone that you actually want to see, because some of these bodies are enough to make you leave the beach and go back home and close the blinds and hide for awhile. Be ready to be amazed, and not in a good way. Here are 15 celebrities that should never go to the beach under any circumstances. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
14. Tara Reid
It used to be that if someone said the words “Tara Reid” and “bikini” in the same sentence you might be sort of intrigued as to what came next, especially since you never knew if she might “accidentally” lose the bikini top. Not anymore, though. Now if you hear those words in any sort of combination you run for the hills as fast as you can. I don’t know what happened to her body, and honestly I don’t even want to know, as that would require me spending a few more minutes thinking about this photo, and I don’t want to do that.
13. Courtney Love
We get it. Courtney is not as young as she used to be, and she has had a hard life, so there’s no real reason to be mean… Wait. This is Courtney Love we are talking about – there are all sorts of reasons to be mean. While this photo is not all that bad, unless you have some sort of fantasy that your dream woman looks like Skeletor after a hard night out on the town, you are probably not going to want to have Courtney Love sitting next to you at the beach.
12. LeAnn Rimes
LeAnn has always had a totally hot body and even this one is not so bad. But there is no doubt that she is, at least in this photo, getting way too skinny. Here is hoping that she spent the winter eating burritos and cheeseburgers so she can get off the list of worst beach bodies, and get back on the list of best beach bodies. LeAnn if you are reading this, put down your laptop and go eat some pizza, right now.
Wow, would you look at that. Kesha looks really hot right here. Well… she looks hot if you like odd-looking women wearing granny bikinis, that is. Hey I know that was mean, but if you are a celebrity and you want to go to the beach you gotta work it and make things tight. No one forced you to become rich and famous; now you have to live it, and sadly Kesha is not living the high life here in this photo, not at all.
10. Queen Latifah
Queen Latifah is cool, I get that. I get that she also isn’t trying to be hot, or to be anything but who she really is. She is talented, she seems smart, and nice – all of that for sure. But hey, this post is about celebrity bodies you do not want to see on the beach, and let’s be honest, you simply do not want to see this on the beach. In fact, it is fair to say that you really don’t want to see this body on any beach. Don’t shoot the messenger.
9. Lena Dunham
There is only one word that comes to mind when looking at this photo and that word is “no.” Okay, there is one other and that word is “why?” For the love of all that is holy Lena, put on a tee shirt or at least wear a one-piece. Although she seems a little glazed – maybe she didn’t know she was in public? Looking at this, it’s like I want to gouge out my own eyes with a rusty spoon. Okay, maybe I went overboard a little there. Actually, I just looked at it again, now I think I might not have gone overboard enough. So. Very. Bad.
8. Kelly Ripa
This is not awful, I mean she looks kind of cute even, but there are two things that really stick out. Okay, actually only one thing sticks out, and it sticks out a lot. Kelly has an outie belly button and sorry, that is just ewww… The other thing is that she is just way too skinny. Someone needs to teach some of these women that there is nothing wrong with murdering the occasional cheeseburger and large fries, if only for the sake of the beach body.
7. Josie Goldberg
Time can be cruel. Not too long ago Josie was getting paid for taking her clothes off in the pages of Playboy. Now, if she were sitting next to you at the beach, you might actually pay her to put her clothes back on. Okay, that is without a doubt an overstatement, but you get my drift. Sometimes some of these people, especially celebrities, need a little dose of reality, which is what these articles are for, and Josie, you ain’t no Playmate anymore.
6. Sharni Vinson
Sharni is the latest to join the “Oh My God will you just eat a cheeseburger I get hungry just looking at you” club. In looking at photos of Sharni on the beach, she is always kind of rolling around like she thinks she looks hot. Sharni, we have to talk. You don’t look hot. You look hungry. There is a big difference there. You go beyond skinny and head straight towards totally unhealthy. If you sit next to me at the beach you better be eating an ice cream cone. Heck, I’ll even give you mine.
5. Serena Williams
All right, so this one is a little tough. First of all, Serena is one of the best athletes in the world, and this is just how her body looks; she is not trying to be something she is not. Secondly, I would way rather see a woman that is a little thick with a nice butt on the beach than some anorexic beanpole. But with all that said, this is just a tad too much. Looking at these photos it is hard to tell whether she is chilling at the beach or if she is the bouncer at the beach.
4. Lisa Rinna
The stomach. Seriously, what is up with the stomach? Not just on Lisa but on so many of these women on this list. They look okay, not hot, but okay, and then all of a sudden your eyes hit the stomach and it is all over. I mean what is going on there? What causes that? Actually, I take that back, I really do not want to know what the cause is. Anyway, if it was not for the stomach, this would be okay….but there is the stomach, and it is not okay. Not at all.
3. Courtney Stodden
I know what you are thinking. Courtney Stodden? Seriously? What is wrong with her beach body? Well, the point is, who knows? Because no one actually has any idea what her body actually looks like. This chick has had so much work done that she does not even look natural any more. I get it, maybe you don’t care, maybe you think she looks great. That is cool, but there is such a thing as trying too hard, and Courtney is trying way too hard. The hair, the boobs, the body, all of it.
2. Rachel Zoe
Let’s just say, for fun, you made your money as a fashion designer and adviser and that your whole image was built around helping women look good, just like Rachel Zoe does. If that was the case don’t you think you would make sure you never looked like Rachel does in the above photo? What the heck is going on here? Oh and also, Rachel, seriously, you are about the tenth woman on this list that needs to eat a cheeseburger. Please go do so right now.
1. Janice Dickinson
I know Janice Dickinson is old, that is cool – it happens to all of us. No shame in that. But for God’s sake, if you are old, and you look terribad in a bikini, don’t go running around in one, waving your arms and calling attention to yourself. Janice, you stopped looking good in like 1985 and your career was over in like 1992. No one cares anymore. Which, now that I think of it, is probably why you are waving your arms around wearing a bikini in the first place.
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