Let’s face it people. We are all getting older. As shocking as that is all on its’ own, the signs are clearly marked. Crows-feet here, a wrinkle there, blurred lines in the distance. Reading the fine print and bending over become more of Olympic events than simple tasks. Some have opted to accept the fate that Father Time has caught up with them and change to match their age in terms of how they dress up to and including playing lawn bowling or golf. Most however choose to turn back the clock and get things done to fix how they look. Exercise, healthy diet, drinking lots of water, sure, all good things. And of course, there are those who legitimately would need to get a procedure done. For example, there are those who have gone through extreme weight loss and therefore need to get work done (since no one wants to be able to fly from the flabby bit under their arm). Or another being a type of reconstructive surgery where you regrow a part and transplant it to another part of your body because you either didn't have the original, or the original you have is damaged beyond repair. If you Google “guy with nose growing on forehead”, you’ll get why that is actually a pretty cool procedure. However, there are also those of us who are incredibly lazy, and no matter what the dollar figure is, they will gladly pay it all to be able to enjoy another 6 pieces of bacon with their morning breakfast. Or that some get so caught up in trends, they have no choice but to do certain procedures so that they can be the complete “It” Guy/Girl at the office. Here's a list of 10 of the most shocking plastic surgery procedures on today’s market.
10 Abdominal Etching
Oh yes active bacon lovers, this one is for you. So you go to the gym and you're giving it everything you got. You go numerous times a week, and still, you can’t seem to get that coveted 6-pack. And you're still not willing to sacrifice bacon! No problem. Basically, abdominal etching is where a plastic surgeon draws out what the 6-pack would look like, where it should go and essentially sucks out the fat and contours everything in your abdominal area so that it can look as slick and smooth as some of your favourite celebrities such as Christian Bale, Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman (as everyone wants to be as cool as Batman, The Green Lantern and Wolverine whenever possible). Cost? Well, the average cost is anywhere from $2000-$5000. Downside: As much as bacon lovers come in all different shapes and sizes, for this procedure, you can only have up to two centimeters of “pinch-able fat”. Anything more than that, then you will just have to settle for ordinary liposuction.
9 The Voice-Lift
Do you want to be able to hit all those high notes that people like Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and even Barry Gibb can? Well, good news for you. There is a procedure that is out called a Voice-Lift. In order to understand this though, you need to know why there would be a need for it. This procedure has actually been out for a while now and was originally used for people who were losing their voice based on a diagnosis from their doctor that they have a disease that is causing them to lose their vocal chords, or an injury that caused the loss to happen, like say, a Thunderpunch to the throat. So why is this becoming popular and how is it done? Apparently, when people get older, they don’t like the idea of a creaky or hoarse voice when they age. Also, a lot of vocal performers are seeking out this procedure to protect them in their profession so that they can shave a few years off their voice, as no one wants one sound vocally on the album and another sound vocally while seeing a live show. The how, is that the doctor would either:
A) Insert an implant through your neck to bring the vocal chords closer together or
B) Insert fat or another substance to plump up the chords as the way your voice stays so youthful is that they must keep their limberness.
Cost? The procedure can cost between $3500-$7000, however, it should be noted that the risk you take with this surgery, is that it can, instead of cure you of a hoarse voice, it can actually give you one, or make the situation of hoarseness worse. That being said, you would still have to take vocal lessons on top of that in order to hit those high notes. Maybe try the lessons first and see how that goes?
8 “Vampire” Face Lift
Ok, this vampire trend from the Twilight gang has got to stop. Although it sounds “ghoulish”, this procedure isn't that painful, or at least, it’s not described to be. What happens is that the doctor takes your blood, puts it in a centrifuge so that all that's left are the platelets from your red blood cells, which is also referred to platelet-rich plasma (PRP); hence the term vampire as this process requires blood. Add something to activate those platelets like calcium chloride or thrombin so that it can become a platelet rich fibrin matrix (PRFM) and that gets re-injected just beneath the surface of your skin where you need your lift (around your eyes, forehead, wherever there are wrinkles). This helps to kick-start your body’s own collagen production, making everything not so, wrinkly. Does it work? Well, after one or two treatments, yes it can. But it takes time! You may not notice anything for up to 12 weeks after the treatments. However, the look lasts for almost two years. Is it worth it? Well, if $900-$1500 is worth potentially two years of youth, then yes it is. *Side note: They also have a procedure called the Vampire Breast Lift. *Second Side Note: I’m not sorry for the "ghoulish" joke. Not one bit.
Can everyone tell when you are bluffin’ at the poker table? Is it costing you money? Then you can make an investment for future poker games with this procedure. Botox has been used for ages now and has been used mostly for smoothing out wrinkles in the face. However, the difference here is that instead of doing the normal amount for the injections, they would almost make the face immobile with the amount of Botox they put into your face. This has the potential to help poker players get the perfect Poker Face so that the opposing players can’t see your tell-tale signs of The Flinch, The Twitch, The Burrow, or The Frown. Is it worth it? The cost is anywhere from $600-$800 and it lasts for up to 4 months, in which you could rake in some serious dough at the table. Pokertox itself is not popular but Botox is, and because Botox is so popular, there are a LOT of imitators out there. So in other words, before you do this, DO YOUR RESEARCH and get a credited doctor; don’t cheap out for the guy with the tire sealant in the back alley who says he can do it for little to no cost.
6 The Tongue Patch
Are you tired of trying to lose weight all the right ways (since exercise is SO overrated)? Then perhaps this surgery is the way for you! Introducing the Tongue Patch. What happens, according to Dr. Chugay, the person who came up with this procedure, is that you have a plastic mesh sewn onto the top of your tongue. The mesh is made of the same abrasive material that is used in repairing a hernia, and the point of the procedure is that it makes it so painful to eat regular food and forces you to go onto a liquid diet. And no, we don’t mean a swap from cake to milkshake! However, like with any regular liquid diet, the results can come right away, but that can vary depending on the person that you are (however the claims are that you can lose almost 30 pounds in one month). The cost: Two grand plus airfare and accommodations to California as Dr. Chugay is the only doctor who performs the procedure. FYI: The procedure is no more than 15 minutes (so you can still go to DISNEYLAND)! Setbacks: Well, as like with a tongue piercing, you may have difficulties speaking with the mesh in. Unlike tongue piercings though, this can cause you to suddenly wake up from sleeping, for no apparent reason. Also, the doc recommends that you don’t keep the mesh on for longer than a month, as the mesh will then start to fuse to your tongue. And you thought I was going to be talking about plugging up the holes in your tongue from tongue piercings. HA!
5 Iris Implant
Did you ever have that feeling you have the wrong eye colour? That your eyes should have been blue or violet instead of brown or gray? Have no fear, for the Iris Implant is here! So how does it work? Well first things first: basic info:
1) It’s a totally fake implant
2) It’s made of the same stuff that intraocular lenses are made out of
3) The implant is so flexible, you can fold it. In fact, they actually fold it and insert it through a peripheral corneal surgical incision that’s no more than three mm long, unfold it, and bam! New colour!
What’s good about it? No more than 45 minutes and you are done. Plus, no rotting flesh smell that a laser can bring to the table. Also, it’s removable if you want to change it to a different colour or if it’s bugging you. Downside: You still have to wear those awful glasses that your mom bought for you. Cost: Eight grand. Think of it as a LONG TERM investment.
4 Beard Transplant
Oh…, this goes out to all the fellas in the crowd. Do you have Beard Envy? Are you the Sheldon Cooper of your group of friends when it comes to growing epic beards, in that you fail miserably bringing shame to beard-growers everywhere? Do you need help finding mountains, and campsites often and know that if you had a beard, you would be able to locate one with the greatest of ease? Fear not, for there is an answer to all your problems. Behold: The Beard Transplant.
How does it work? Who cares because you get a beard in the end! But if you have to know, it’s basically the same as a hair transplant. Generally, they take the hair from your head (as that is the closest to facial hair), and then the hair is placed on the areas of the face where the beard needs to go. Little to no pain, and you can go back to your regular manly duties in as little as two weeks such as fishing, camping, contemplating the theories of the world, among other beard related activities. Once the hair is transplanted though, you have to trim it (both transplanted and non-transplanted hair; if applicable) as you can’t have a weird looking beard after you've paid money to have a beard of awesomeness. The Cost: Up to six grand. But you better book your appointment now; years ago, there was little to no line for doctors since it was mostly certain ethnic groups who would come in for the procedure, so doctors would do handfuls of these procedures per YEAR. Now, because of the “hipster” movement, there are now handfuls being done per WEEK, so get in line.
3 Stem-Cell Face-Lift
When most people hear the term face lift, they automatically think of someone who went under the knife to improve their appearance or that they physically had their face peeled and lifted (or Joan Rivers). With a stem-cell face-lift, it’s actually quite a bit different. It starts with liposuction from an area that has some fat to spare; stomach or thighs typically. That’s the hidden bonus. And they take that fat, and it is separated so that the collagen and the stem-cells are broken up and the fat with the stem-cells is then injected into your face causing wrinkles to go away, or filling in those hollow cheeks. Sounds pretty awesome, however, research has shown that the exact same result can be achieved by doing something called a fat graph. So what’s a fat graph? It’s exactly the same as above, only without the word stem-cell in it, and the fat is put in a centrifuge for a few minutes before being injected into the face. The Cost: Looking anywhere from five to ten G’s on this one. However, you REALLY have to do your research on this one to make sure you have the right doctor doing this procedure for you may end up with someone who isn't doing the procedure fully.
2 Toddler Teeth Whitening
From the people that brought you Toddlers & Tiaras!!! In all seriousness though, this one isn't too bad. Teeth Whitening has been around for over 20 years (well, besides the Ancient Romans). All it really is…, are you ready…, TEETH WHITENING! That’s it. Teeth whitening though, for those of you not from modern society, is a procedure that can be done at home or in the dentist’s chair that brings your teeth back to their natural white colour either through paste, creams, pens, strips, or lasers. What’s shocking about this is the increasing popularity of having the procedure done on children as young as 3 years of age. Cost: As low as eight bucks if you do it from home, BUT if you want it professionally done, it’ll cost you up to $2500. For someone who is going spend twenty-five HUNDRED dollars on their toddler who will LOSE those teeth ANYWAY once their adult teeth push through. Although doctors promise that procedure such as bleaching are completely safe at any age, please, do yourself a favor and just save the money for when the have all their adult teeth in and may need braces.
1 Pubic Hair Transplant
Yes, believe it or not, this does exist. Especially for those who prefer a carpet to go with their drapes over linoleum (think about it). In North American culture, people pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars per year to get rid of the pubic hair on their bodies. As this is mostly popular in Asia, some Asian cultures see pubic hair as a sign of fertility, so having it is most favourable. Other reasons for getting the procedure done are that some people who are say burn victims, and have little to no hair on most of their body and get it done for psychological purposes. Some people, however, just want more pubic hair! This procedure is the same as any other hair transplant procedure; usually with hair taken from areas of the body that have coarser hair and then; bam! The Bush is back.