For every incredible success story an online matchmaking site brags about in its commercials, there are thousands of others that end in two unhappy daters sprinting from a restaurant slightly buzzed with alcohol and drunk with disappointment.
The online dating game isn't that much different than those not-so-distant dates of yore when men and women fended for themselves in the face-to-face dating jungle at their favorite bar or club. Match? eHarmony? Tinder? Whatever your dating platform of choice, the same basic principles apply universally. Women attempt to put their best foot forward on their dating profiles, often providing unintended clues about the kind of women they really are. Men then pursue like animals, often without any preparation, second thoughts or common sense.
In the interest of saving men precious time and money, we've assembled a detailed list of ten common female profiles found on dating sites, revealing some of the tactics they employ to lure men into pursuit. Men have behaved like Neanderthals online for too long, repeatedly throwing their hunting spears impulsively without any information about the prey they target on their screens. It's time for this behavior to change. So let’s pull back the curtain on some of the typical women dating online. Guys; you're welcome, and proceed with caution. Ladies; men aren't always dating geniuses, but they're catching on.
10 The Girl Gone Wild
Some women unapologetically love to party, and the party doesn't stop in their dating profiles. The Girl Gone Wild is attractive in a Hooters waitress kind of way, and she doesn't need any words to describe who she is. She lets her photos do the talking by whisking guys away on her wave of decadence with champagne flutes, skimpy outfits, yacht sunbathing, and dancing on tables. You can almost hear her yelling “WOOO-HOOO” in those mouth wide open/eyes shut photos. The smell of top shelf vodka, cigarettes, and spray tanner oozes from her profile through men’s computer screens.
If The Girl Gone Wild takes time from her epic life to say something about herself, you can guarantee it will include “YOLO” or a reminder that she’s ready to move on from the tribal tatted meatheads who subsidize her lavish lifestyle. She’s primed for a Motley Crue video, but thirty years too late. She makes it clear she is seeking men ages 35-60 who take home at least mid-six figures per year. She takes applications from college graduates only, even if she's only bringing a GED to the table.
9 The Magician's Assistant
Every hack magician includes the standard “saw his assistant in half” trick in his act. This illusion isn’t restricted to Las Vegas nightclubs. In fact, it’s probably the most common illusion found in some women’s dating profiles. The Magician's Assistant’s profile photos have one common characteristic. ABRACADABRA! They only show her from the waist up as if her lower body has been severed from her torso. The hidden feature is predictable — a disproportionately larger lower body hidden from view. If she includes a full-body photo, it’s taken thirty feet away and fails to show her true form.
The Magician's Assistant is particularly unfair for men, because she has a beautiful face and slim torso, which makes her instant click bait for men trolling through profiles. But upon further examination on a first date, men immediately discover why she cropped her photos. There’s certainly nothing wrong with a girl with some extra meat on her bones. Some guys like it, but others don’t. The latter deserve to know who is walking through the door on that first date so they can make an informed decision.
8 The Eat Pray Lover
For a man, being handcuffed to the couch and forced to watch the quintessential Julia Roberts chick flick — Eat Pray Love — is equivalent to being forced to witness the opening of the Ark of the Covenant and melting in heavenly fire at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. We’re pretty sure women know this. But this hasn't prevented the emergence of one of the most common species of female online dater: The Eat Pray Lover.
The Eat Pray Lover often gives her identity away by literally using the phrase “Eat Pray Love” in some capacity on her profile, usually as part of her user name, her tag line, or listing “Eat Pray Love” as her favorite book or movie. Men should be on the lookout for key phrases such as “Seeking a guy who still believes in chivalry,” and “Life’s too short to settle for less than my soul mate.” Her life is already “amazing,” but she’s just looking for a guy with whom to share it. He’ll never live up to her Jane Austen expectations, and his DVR will be always maxed out with Downton Abbey.
7 The Super Fan
At some point in the last twenty years, women recognized that only one thing occupies men’s minds other than women, money, and work - and that’s sports. Like fish crawling out of the sea, some women have become The Super Fan in the process of attracting a man. The hallmark of The Super Fan is an overly exuberant interest in sports and a misguided insistence on watching and discussing them with men.
Guys generally like it when a woman can enjoy a good sporting event and support the team. But when they take to body painting with the colors of their favorite team (or the team they worship on that particular day), and debating whether Dez Bryant completed a full catch, most men want to run for the hills. She’ll also loud mouth her way into fights with strangers at the bar during a game, and then expect her boyfriend to back up her bark.
6 The Where’s Waldo?
If The Magician's Assistant had a somewhat more forthcoming sister, it would be The Where’s Waldo? category of online dater. She sleeps well at night believing she provides profile photos of her entire physique. There’s just one problem: Her photos also include at least five of her best friends, thus making it impossible to determine which girl she is in the photos.
Only the final photo on her profile is a solo shot revealing who The Waldo really is. Not surprisingly, she is typically the least appealing woman in the group.
5 The Working Girl
There’s a reason why every woman resorts to online dating to avoid the local bars. The Working Girl’s reason is easily the most understandable, but it can also be a red flag men shouldn’t ignore. The Working Girl missed the dating frenzy of her twenties and instead opted for a successful career that intimidates some men. She has arrived on a dating site looking to make up for lost time before the music stops, and there aren’t any chairs left.
The Working Girl can be identified by dry profile phrases such as “I spent my twenties building my career and I’m looking for a guy who shares my ambition.” Sexy, right? Her photos are typically from black tie corporate and junior league parties, and her primary photo is often a head shot plucked from her company website. The Working Girl career of choice is typically medical sales, attorney, or “Vice President of Working Weekends,” and scheduling the first date means her squeezing a guy into a thirty-minute happy hour on a night she isn’t working. She'll also reschedule at least twice before the first date because of flight delays and unexpected late night work projects.
4 The Saint
While The Girl Gone Wild is taking new duck face selfies to bedazzle her profile, The Saint is at Bible study inhaling new inspiration for promoting all things religion on hers.
The Saint could be marriage material. She's sweet, sensible, and moms always love her. There’s certainly nothing wrong with a woman who possesses strong religious beliefs, but The Saint slaps online dating on the forehead and exorcises all the fun out of the process by posting her favorite Bible passages and explaining how her faith is guiding her search for the perfect guy.
3 The Pro
True love isn’t the only thing some women are searching for on dating sites. It should come as no surprise that dating sites have become the new street corner for members of the world’s oldest profession. If a woman only has one very attractive scantily clad photo, only ten percent of her profile is filled out, and/or she directs you to view the thousands of bikini and lingerie photos on her Instagram account then you might have stumbled across a, ahem, professional.
2 The Gone Girl
Most single men left the theater after watching Gone Girl feeling justified for remaining single after watching an unhappy, insane wife attempt to destroy her husband’s life by framing him for her murder.
There aren't necessarily many truly maniacal women on dating websites, but there are plenty of women who fall under the category of The Gone Girl; the jaded vixen searching for men who enjoy subjecting themselves to fiery dating hell. The Gone Girl is usually easy to separate from the normal women who won’t throw acid on a guy's car when she’s scorned. Although she'll appear normal and often attractive in her photos, her description of who she is and what she’s looking for will reveal her potential witchy ways.
At her core, The Gone Girl believes she has been seriously screwed over by an ex who is now thrilled to have escaped her clutches alive. Her personal summary is at least 500 words long, and typically begins with a detailed, genuine list of all the things she will not tolerate, often in ALL CAPS. It's safe to assume these are the characteristics of her last boyfriend or husband.
She will then rattle through a longer list of all the reasons why she believes she is the catch of the millennium. Unbeknownst to her, most of these reasons are deal breakers for a normal guy. Beware of phrases like, “I’m a really sweet girl when you get to know me, but don’t cross me,” and “I don’t need a man to be happy, but I’m still optimistic he's out there.” She may even start an unprovoked argument with a guy when he first contacts her through the dating website or app. She’ll zing guys with red flag banter such as, “Is that the best message you could think of? You can do better than that!” His punishment for her ex’s sins has begun.
1 The Unicorn
The idea of a unicorn immediately conjures an image of a mythical creature of unparalleled beauty. As we all know, of course, unicorns don’t exist, and even if they do somehow exist, one has never been seen or captured.
The Unicorn isn't the most common dating profile, but it is the most elusive and irresistible to pursue. The Unicorn is usually ages 27-36, never married, and way too physically attractive for a dating website. She has a respectable job, normal looking photos, and a minimalist description of herself that leaves guys wondering if she’s even real. She’ll most likely have a headline that says, "My friends made me do this," "I never thought I'd be online dating," or simply, "Hi." She’s embarrassed to be dating online, isn’t fully committed to the online dating process, and/or is worried someone she knows will discover her profile.
The Unicorn is particularly problematic, because guys can’t resist chasing after the rare “9” or “10” that magically appears on a dating website. She’s definitely worth pursuing if she shows interest, but it’ll take a few dates to determine why such an attractive girl is still single. She's had opportunities for marriage in the past, but she's galloped away for reasons only she knows. If a guy doesn’t fit every single bullet point on her must-haves list, The Unicorn will vanish quickly into the mystical forest from whence she came. In her opinion, she was too much of a catch for online dating anyway, and grabbing patio margaritas with her also single sorority sisters is a better use of her time.
A snub from a Unicorn isn't a complete loss though. At least the abandoned guy may come away with one important lesson to prepare him for the next time a fairy tale girl appears on his screen…Unicorns love margaritas.
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