You know what’s always funny to hear about? Bad one night stands. Because one night stands, as a whole, are pretty awful. Doing the deed with someone you barely know rarely leads to an amazing sexual encounter or finding the love of your life, (and if you did luck out on finding the love of your life then it technically doesn’t count as a one night stand anyway). Even if the sex was great, there is soooo much potential for it to go awry during or after sex.
Having a one night stand also ups your chances of possibly going home with a certifiable crazy person who likes to recite lines from The Godfather while he’s banging you or someone who has a weird fetish you didn’t know about until you’re doing the deed and he suddenly asks you to step on his balls with your high heels because it’s the only thing that makes him orgasm (true story). There’s a myriad of shameful, embarrassing and cringe worthy things that could happen during a one night stand and odds are at least one will happen at any given time. Which is why when we searched for horrible one night stands, they weren’t hard too find. (Fake names have been used to protect the shamed.)
10. Extra Credit
There is nothing more embarrassing than your kids catching you during or post sex. Fumbling for excuses as you try not to stand near them so that the shameful thing you just did doesn’t taint the innocent air they breath is the biggest boner killer ever. Well imagine it was a one night stand and the kid in question happens to be in your class because you’re a teacher at an elementary school who’s boinking their dad.
This very thing happened to an anonymous reddit user who confessed her awkward one night stand. In the middle of the night, she decided to grab a glass of water and as she opened the fridge, she hears a, “Ms. Galore?” Turns out, the dude she had just hooked up with had a kid who also happened to be in her preschool class. She just didn’t realize it was this kid’s father since he was divorced and the kid’s mom was the one that dropped him off and picked him up from school. Standing there in only her underwear, she tried to cover herself up and ended up making pancakes for him because he was hungry. Awwwww. Thanks half nekkid teacher lady! (reddit.com)
Sex is a lot like dancing. Everyone likes to do it, but some of us just can’t. And there’s nothing wrong with being bad at sex because you’re probably in good company. But you would at least think that even the most gullible of lovers would know the basic mechanics of sex. Especially with men, because you can’t really screw up when it comes to thrusting right? Well, not for the guy “Teri” hooked up with. She confessed to us via Facebook that her worst one night stand happened with a guy she had a long standing crush on ever since they were kids. Fast forward to college, they reunite when they go home for the holidays, sparks fly and next thing you know…. she’s struggling for breath.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t in a sexy way but more of a “oh my god, I can’t breath way.” Apparently, her “crush” literally was crushing her too… by laying his entire weight on top of her as he flopped and twitched on top of her like a dying fish. Thankfully, she got to breath again when he wiggled his way to orgasm in record time. Yay? (Facebook.com)
8. WHOA Cowboy
So this one isn’t really a ‘one night stand’ but this story is equal parts funny, terrifying and sends out a great message on why you need to be careful about who you go home with.
Reddit user “lil preying mantis” said that in college she was befriended by one her classmates, who also happened to be a little person. It was clear he had a crush on her but they were just good friends. One day, three of her classes were cancelled so she had some time to kill. He insisted they hang out at his house because it was raining and the cafeteria was packed. He also promised her that his aunt and Mother were home. By the time she got to his house, which was located in an isolated forest area (yikes!), she realized too late that he had lied about his aunt and mother, because no one was there. And if that wasn’t bad enough, her WTF meter was on full alert when she noticed that his house was covered with pictures of himself dressed as a cowboy. Apparently he used to wrestle baby cows at the rodeo and totally proud as f*ck about it. When she sat down, pocket-sized cowboy tried to get on top of her with his “chicken nugget boner” in full display. She pushed him off and threatened to slice his throat with a pocket knife if he didn’t give her a ride back to school.
I know, we can’t get the visual of his chicken nugget boner out of our head either. (reddit.com)
7. Step Away From The Chili Ring
Most guys are mostly down for whatever when it comes to sex. But that doesn’t mean they’re open to all of it. Especially when it comes to butt stuff. Although pleasurable when touched, for some guys, the ol’ chili ring is off limits during sex and “Tom” was one of these guys. He hooked up with a girl who wouldn’t stop trying to play with his bunghole while they were 69-ing. He brushed her hand away as she tried to put her digits in there and after the second try, he told her firmly to stay away. The girl was all about dat ass though and took his refusal for ass play as code to start giving him a rim job. The sexy times came to an abrupt halt after that. Tom was pissed off because he had already told her no. She was pissed because his bottom was less than savory and told him he should clean his ass better. (dry heaves) They get into an argument about personal cornhole space which ended in him stomping out. Let’s hope it ended with her gargling some Listerine. (reddit.com)
6. The Ill Equipped
The absolute worse thing that could happen during a one night stand is realizing that, up close, the treasure you thought you found isn’t as shiny as you thought it would be. One such experience happened when good friends decided to one up their relationship to ‘friends with benefits.’ This arrangement always sounds good on paper but almost always end up in drama. Thankfully, there wasn’t a lot of drama with this one night stand, in fact – there wasn’t much of anything when he whipped out his peen it eerily resembled a “baby’s leg.” “Melani’s” vajayay went into emergency shut down and she called her ass a cab and went home. (The Stir.Cafemom.com)
5. Hi Mom!
Nothing turns a wonderful one night stand into a big ball of awkward with a side of trauma than accidentally meeting your one night stand’s mom the next morning. A Whisper user confessed that the morning after her one night stand, his mom gave her a onesie to wear and talked to them for two hours.
Another Whisper user confessed she was greeted to breakfast in bed by the mother of the 28-year-old guy she had just bagged. Even if the sex had been good, having to meet their mom afterwards is like finding out that someone sneezed on the delicious ice cream you’ve just been licking. (whisper.com)
4. Requiem For A Nightmare
Sex toys can really rev up a sexual experience but you have to make positively sure that your companion is into it too, otherwise it can make for a very scary and awkward situation. So whipping out a sex toy on an unsuspecting one night stand probably isn’t the best idea. A Whisper user confessed to a one night stand that failed almost immediately because of a sex toy and how he um..wanted it to be used. An evening that started with a lot of promise after meeting a hot guy at a bar ended like a bad scene from a movie after they got to his house, pulled out a double-headed dildo and requested a little ass-to-ass action. (whisper.com)
3. The Never Mind Sex Tape
When “Jan” was a Senior in high school, she started to really get bored with her boyfriend of two years. Another guy in her class who was crushing on her hard was being very pushy about hooking up. She gave in one summer and ended up hooking up with him at his house. He was very insistent on taking the action back into his dad’s room even though he had his own room to do it in. She later thought for sure he had some kind of video camera set up. While they were undressing each other, he suddenly excused himself to go to the bathroom, then he’d come back, they’d make out and he would excuse himself to go to the bathroom again. Jan was getting seriously confused. He came back the last time and she decided to stroke him off while they kissed and noticed he wasn’t even hard. She looked down and noticed there was already cum on the tip of his dick. Apparently, he came while she was getting undressed and was excusing himself to go to the bathroom to try to get his dick to go back up again. After his third trip to the bathroom, Jan just put her clothes back on and asked him to take her home. If he made a sex tape out of that, it’s probably been taped over with a few episodes of MTV Raps because this happened in the 90s and shut up, young people. (Facebook.com)
2. Yeah, More Butt Stuff
A woman who shall remain nameless recalls a time when she met a handsome young man during a church service (!?) and ended up going home with him for a steamy one night stand. She pulled out a dildo to get a little double penetration action but unfortunately, he completely got the wrong message. Unlike Tom, this dude didn’t run out on her when he was confronted with a plastic penis. In fact, he did exactly the opposite and got very excited at the thought that she was going to tear his ass up. Not exactly what she was planning on. We hope she dropped that dildo and ran back to church to pray that this dude meets Tom’s one night stand so they can have some bunghole fun together. (Facebook.com)
1. When You’re Playing With Their Pet And You Feel Something Wet …
We’re not saying all one night stands are awful, we’re just saying one night stands are a lot of awfuls just waiting to happen, no matter how sexy your intentions are with each other, because shit happens.
And shit literally did happen to an unlucky girl who was having some blowjob fun with her first boyfriend in high school. At first, she recalls that everything seemed fine and then suddenly, she feels the sensation of something warm and wet on her chest. She looked down and realized that his ass had vomited diarrhea all over her shirt. We sincerely hope she was wearing a button-up shirt because otherwise … (jezebel.com)
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