Real talk: there’s little that makes me happier than watching one of the “enlightened few” drop some knowledge about how things REALLY are. You know what I’m talking about. Lizard people infiltrating society and masquerading as the rich and powerful. Huge groups of the influential and wealthy gathering and plotting to enslave and kill everyone to sate their craving for destruction. Everything being an inside job. Everything.
Look, conspiracy theorists can’t help it. They’ve got a good instinct to question authority and think critically about the world around them, but they’ve got a few crossed wires that prevent sorting good ideas from bad ones, and in turn make them big fans of “Info Wars.”
Unfortunately, it’s not all fun and games. The funny thing about democracy is that votes from people whose brains are intellectual sewers count just as much as those of functioning humans. That’s why actual policy and “missing” birth certificates can be talked about in the same election run.
On that note, here are 10 totally stupid conspiracy theories that need to go away.
10 9/11 Was An Inside Job
Oh yes, we’ve heard all about how the towers fell at “freefall speed” and that jet fuel flames couldn’t possibly have melted steel. And hey, killing 3,000 people (and many more rescuers over time) would be a brilliant ploy allowing the government to go hog wild in the Middle East.
Except we’ve already seen how wars get started in the Middle East. The government kind of just gets to yell “danger” and suddenly boots are on the ground. No demolitions or murder required. And the steel argument has been roundly rejected by just about every expert, non-expert, and generally sane person. It turns out steel loses a lot of its strength at high temperatures, allowing for things like “total collapse.”
9 The Sandy Hook Shootings Were Staged
The Sandy Hook shootings back in December, 2012, saw a gunman enter an elementary school and kill 26 people, including 20 children. It was a horrific tragedy which got lots of coverage, reignited the gun debate that had somewhat subsided since whichever mass shooting took place a few weeks earlier, and brought out the conspiracy theorists.
According to them, the whole thing was a fake, staged by the government to take everyone’s guns away.
The conspiracy got a bit more press than normal thanks to a Florida Atlantic University professor’s support for the theory. His theory had it that government and the media were in cahoots to spread the lie.
This theory is especially outrageous, but it does offer a unique opportunity to filter out the gun owners: If you’re a gun owner who believes that the Sandy Hook shootings were a ruse meant to get people’s guns taken away, you should probably have your guns taken away.
8 Global Warming is a Conspiracy
Oh, the liberal elites. Will those monsters ever stop trying to take over the world with hugs and socialism? Of course, one of the big ones in the liberal world domination playbook is the conspiracy involving just about all of the world’s climate scientists banding together to spread misinformation that somehow polluting is bad. And all to keep the little person down by making daily life slightly more difficult. How wicked.
At least, that's what climate warming deniers believe.
Ironically, one of the few credible global warming deniers was recently found to have substantial ties to oil companies. This will be shocking to absolutely nobody who actually looks at the data in support of global warming, because the evidence is substantial.
7 The Gulf Oil Spill Was Intentional
This one has a particularly ridiculous Bond villain feel to it. The basic idea is that the Deepwater Horizon accident that led to the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was not an accident at all. Conspiracy theorists allege that it was a ploy by those with interests in oil cleanup companies to make big bucks fixing up the disaster.
It gets deeper. Some people also believe this was part of a master plan to depopulate rural areas and force people inland, into crowded cities where The Man can watch your every move. And what better way to depopulate a region than to destroy an entire ecosystem and/or poison a couple of generations of people from the Gulf area... Right?
6 The Apollo Missions Never Happened
If you're susceptible to conspiracy theories, you may well believe that one of the greatest achievements in human history never happened. We're talking moon landings.
The idea that the Apollo missions never happened has been around since the Apollo missions happened, passed down from crazy grandpa to crazy uncle to crazy person who will probably reproduce more than is fair to the gene pool.
The “evidence” is based largely on inconsistencies in the photos taken on the moon. In this case, the “inconsistencies” are things that are easily explained by basic science. There are no stars in the photos mainly because the short exposure time used for the photos doesn't allow the camera to capture their faint light. The flag appears to ripple because it is rippling – a result of having its pole twisted into the ground.
There’s plenty more besides, but it’s likely that this conspiracy will survive the ages, if its staying power until now is anything to go by.
5 Project Blue Beam and the New World Order
Another one involving NASA, but this one is darker. Instead of just faking a moon landing, this one suggests that NASA is hard at work creating a religion centered on the Antichrist. You’d think that would be more prominent in the mission statement. Or in the mission statement at all.
See, it’s not enough for there to be a New World Order that privileges the wealthy the same way literally every society ever has and does. The people need to be kept in line with a new religious movement, and who better to lead that than the Antichrist? There are some other elements necessary for the plan to work – faking earthquakes and alien invasions, showing off a kicking laser show that makes people see and hear their god, using the internet of things to allow spirits to possess toasters and things – and it is all going to happen in 1983. Hmm, no. 1995. 1996? Okay, 2000. Definitely in the year 2000.
4 Fluoride in the Water as Mind Control or Poison
Because nobody likes getting lectured by a dentist, and also because many people can’t afford to see a dentist, most places have taken to putting fluoride in the water. It helps protect our teeth, which in turn can help prevent heart disease and all the other nastiness associated with having a rotting mouth.
At least, that’s what you believe if you're one of the sheeple. Conspiracy theorists know that fluoride is actually dumped in the water to poison you, so that big pharma can swoop in and save you with medicine you wouldn't otherwise need. Or perhaps it’s a mind control plot meant to keep us all docile.
It’s worth pointing out that fluoride has been used in water for decades, has been studied many, many times, and has been found to occasionally have the side effect of mottling teeth. That’s it.
3 Big Pharma Invents New Diseases
Everybody knows there's an overmedication crisis going on right now, and it’s all the fault of the doctors and scientists in bed with the drug peddlers. Sure, some people desperately need medicine to function normally, or just plain function. And other people who don't need drugs just aren't changing their lifestyle so that they can be naturally healthy. But many believe the overmedication crisis is down to all drug companies being plain evil.
There’s no question that, just like every industry, there are shady goings on in the drug industry. But the claim that drug companies are actively creating new diseases, and therefore new markets in which to sell their drugs, just doesn't make sense.
It does sound familiar, though. It’s kind of like those natural health websites that inform you about nutritional imbalances and “toxins” you never knew you had. How’s that for a conspiracy?
2 Obama Wants to Take Everybody’s Guns
There’s a reason Obama looks so damn old nowadays. It’s because on top of all the other ridiculous nonsense he has to deal with as president, he has to read about thousands of frightened, uneducated “patriots” who are afraid that he is out to take their guns. Imagine, those people without guns. What a world.
Really, Obama has said again and again that he does not want to take guns away. He does support a ban on the sale of new assault weapons, and wants stricter background checks to ensure that maniacs don't end up with guns.
The rumours that Obama has wanted to take guns away have been floating around since before he even took office, so at this point, convincing the yokels is a bit of a lost cause. You're almost done, so hang in there Barry.
1 The CIA Uses Guns And Cancer To Assassinate Musicians
Ever wonder why Pac’s murder was never solved? Or why beloved musicians keep winding up dead? It could be that the world is a complicated place, and that we all have personal struggles that, on occasion, will lead us to an untimely end. Or it could be that the CIA is offing musicians.
These assassination theories all blend together, but the main names you usually see are John Lennon and reggae icon Bob Marley. Lennon, of course, was shot four times on a New York City sidewalk. Not likely CIA, but at least plausible.
Bob Marley died of cancer that spread from his toe and infected the rest of his body. A bit of a roundabout way of assassinating a guy, wouldn't you say?