Ladies. Yes, I’m talking to you. We have experienced many types of drunks. You find the happy ones, the emotional ones, the angry ones, the extroverted ones and finally, the expressive ones. I reckon that it’s happened at least once in our lives when, while enjoying an evening at a bar or an overcrowded club, we see a girl who has clearly had too much to drink and is, let’s face it, embarrassing herself in front of everyone. A classy pre-drink at home ends up being, “hey, did anyone else bring more wine? Let’s go to the liquor store!” and many bottles later, she tries to put on her best outfits and matching makeup and thinks she is ready to go out. One drink, two drinks, three drinks more. One shot, two shots, three shots, floor. Her friends can try to get her to get down from the bar, offer her a bottle of water, but this girl is so fixated on her current mood that it is difficult to reason with her. Recognize this girl? Chances are that each one of us has, at once, been this exact person. If we haven’t, chances are we have had to babysit one of these lovely ladies. The following article will exemplify how, umm, “silly” we can be, for a lack of better words.
14. Express Your Love For Everyone
It’s logical and even rational to think that all of your emotions come out once you’ve had too much to drink. Your closest friend suddenly becomes your “best friend in the whole wide world” and deserves the excessive hugging that comes with the expression of your feelings. Chances are that the person that you just met is receiving the same amount of love. The girls you meet in the bathroom suddenly deserve the “OH. MY. GOD. YOUR SHOES! I absolutely LOVE your outfit!” You can’t keep your eyes off the hot guys you’ve been talking to all night and keep nagging them for their number.
13. Can’t Even (Literally Just CAN’T)
How is it that when we drink in excess, our IQ seems to drop 30 points? Forget the educated, posed young ladies that we are. Our vocabulary becomes scattered with “like”, “oh my God”, “but seriously”, “but actually” and, my ultimate favorite, “I can’t” or “I can’t EVEN”. I CAN’T EVEN DEAL. It’s unclear to me whether it’s done purposely to stand out from the girl crowd and be the one that will be heard above others, or to simply emphasize and express your degree of dissatisfaction. Regardless, these two words are enough to make every other non-drunk girl cringe.
12. Emotions And Bring Up Times From Past
Meet the emotional drunk. Rather than being the one standing out in the crowd, this girl would rather curl up into a ball in the corner booth of the club and drown herself in tears. Friends become emotional support systems, reassuring the poor girl that she “IS good enough” and that “well, he was just a JERK. You deserve WAY better”. Chances are that most girls have had one or more of these nights. When you start drinking and you’re already in a negative mood, there may be a tendency to become THIS drunk girl. The past is meant to stay in the past, and that’s why the present is meant to be lived fully! So quit your sulking, lady, pull it together and enjoy the current moment.
11. Makeup And Bad Outfit Choices
Props to Jenna Marbles for inspiring me about this topic. Ladies, have you ever watched her video where she decides to drink excessively, then tries to do her hair and makeup? The result is, let’s face it, disastrous. For the same reason that we shouldn’t text our exes at the end of the night, our judgment fails once we become intoxicated. Our outfits seem as though they are the hottest ones at that given moment, but let’s face it, drunk you doesn’t have the best fashion sense. Let’s not forget to talk about the makeup. Excess bronzer application, anyone? Lack of blending? Crooked eyeliner? Check, check, check. It is highly recommended to at least apply a base of makeup before the pre-drinking begins… that way, at least you have 50% less chances of messing up.
10. Nap Everywhere
We now arrive to the catatonic drunk; the one who falls asleep anywhere, at any given moment. We could be talking to a cute guy at the bar and your wing lady, drunk, suddenly becomes uninterested and decides to take “just a quick nap, just to close my eyes”. WRONG. Once you decide to take a nap, it’s GAME OVER (My sister doesn’t agree on this point; she says that a quick nap leaves her refreshed at a house party!) Even worse, if you’re at a bar and decide to do this, your reputation is gone. Bouncers will remember you as the girl they had to pick up to exit the bar as they hailed a taxi for you. Good luck returning to that bar… generally, it’s a buzz kill for those around you as well!
9. Sloppy Social Media Posts
We could also consider texting your ex in this category. Any form of posting on social media platforms should be kept to the bare minimum while inebriated. Yes, with the magic of editing, we are able to quickly correct our excessive typos mere seconds after the post has been displayed on the world wide web. But, what happens when our judgment and reflexes work at a slower speed? We wake up with tons of notifications, pointing out our sloppy spelling mistakes (if you’re lucky) or comments concerning the photo posted while our thinking was foggy. Steer clear!
8. Take Out Excessive Amounts Of Money
“Oh my gosh, I ONLY spent $20 last night! How can that be?! I’m so happy.” Well, darling, chances are that you don’t remember making that (additional) 2 am trip to the ATM. Good luck when looking at your bank statement today. Oh, and thanks for that round of shots you bought the whole bar. Remember how happy they were when you announced that? Probably not. They will, though!
7. Make Plans That You Forgot
A personal favorite of mine! Imagine this scenario: you walk into a bar, have a few drinks, are hanging out with your friends when suddenly, an old friend that you haven’t seen in years walks up to you and starts a conversation. How happy you are to talk to this person; it’s been so long! Fifteen minutes go by and you leave each other with promises to get together the following week for dinner, a movie, a drink; whatever it may be. The next morning, you wake up with this message (how did the person even end up with your phone number? We don’t know.): “Hey! It was great seeing you last night, looking forward to hanging out next week”. Uhhh, I recognize the area code, but who the heck is this person writing to me?
6. Smoke Too Much
“I’ll buy a pack in case I want to have a few tonight, with a few beers.” Well, that’s a BIG no-no. The following morning, you wake up with that thick, raspy voice. I’m not talking Norah Jones raspy. I’m talking coughing and spitting voice. Once the drinks start flowing, the cigarettes do as well. You’re going out for a smoke? Sure, I’ll join you, to continue the conversation outside. One becomes two (because, let’s face it, drunk conversations are SO intense) and suddenly, you’re on your last cigarette.
5. Steal Random Bar Items And Lose Your Own
You arrived to the bar with two lighters and you suddenly have none. Even if this applies to you most of the time, losing a $2 lighter isn’t the end of the world. Your new iPhone, on the other hand, hurts slightly more to lose. The same goes for your wallet, your new Yves St-Laurent lipstick or, in the sloppiest of situations, your shoe(s). At the opposite end of the spectrum, sometimes drunk girls have a tendency to steal the most random of objects. Fancy custom glasses? Sure, the drink cost me $18 anyway. Lightbulbs? Why not, my judgment is clearly off anyway. Signs? Posters? The list goes on and on.
4. Hook Up And PDA
One moment your best friend is on your arm, and the next, she’s sticking her tongue down some guy she’s just met’s throat. Look, we can all agree that a little bit of passionate kissing here and there is acceptable, but keep it within reasonable limits! No one enjoys watching you guys eat each other’s faces out. Save some for the private moments you’ll spend together, if that does end up happening. If it’s just a one night ordeal, try to keep the PDA at a minimum to not gross out the (more sober) ones around you.
3. Deny Being Drunk
The denial phase. We’ve all heard it or said it. “I’m SO not drunk”, says every drunk girl ever (she’s slurring it, of course). Add that to a little bit of stumbling and some stair falling and you’ve got yourself a typical inebriated girl. Come on girl, most of us are not blind. You’re not fooling anyone with your slurred speech and drifting eyes. Do you need help walking out of the bar or should I let you try?
2. Underestimate Distance
“We don’t need to take a cab! It’s only like 3 or 4 minutes away!” Honey, especially in those heels, you’re looking at a (long and painful) 20 minute walk, minimum (that’s if you’re lucky). As we all know, alcohol taints not only your judgment but your logical reasoning as well. How about you let one of your more sober girlfriends make the cab decision this time!
1. Fight Everything You See (Just Hold Me Back)
Some girls get very irritated when drunk; this is when we talk about our Angry drunk. While others are crying, or buying everyone else in the club shots, this girl is not kind with everyone she sees, because all she’s looking for is confrontation. Any girl that looks at her the wrong way is entitled to a nasty comment, an evil glare or in the worst of scenarios, a shove or even a punch! Girls, beware!
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